It was settled. There was nothing left to debate or think over. Renji had already made up his mind and there was no going back now. With a spontaneous burst of courage he had told Ichigo that he would pay him a visit, conveniently leaving out his intentions.
He'd been in a deliriously victorious state for days after, overjoyed by the courage he didn't know he had. He'd taken the first step which he thought was the hardest, but the second step - meeting Ichigo as he had arranged - was ultimately harder.
But it had to be done now, and though he thought of many an excuse to wriggle out of it, in the end, he couldn't.
The feelings were eating him alive, gnawing away at his insides. It wouldn't be long before he would be completely empty. He had to tell Ichigo; that was the least thing he could think of to alleviate the pain.
It made him feel weak, that someone could have this kind of tremendous power over him, but it was Ichigo. And so he didn't care. In his opinion, there was no one better suited.
The deciding night had arrived, and he slipped into the gigai Urahara kept for him.
Alternating between a brisk, determined pace and dragging his feet in a dead crawl when the resolve ran low, he was finally standing outside of Ichigo's house. It loomed above him, tall and threatening, and made his knees quiver.
His hands that grasped his sword and rush into battle without hesitation were sweating and trembling. Where was his strength now?
shit.
He could hardly breathe, barely move, and doing the best he could to keep the contents sloshing around in his stomach there.
"Is someone out there?"
He wasn't sure who called out -- Ichigo's neighbors? One of his family members? The sudden shock of the voice nearly made him jump out of his skin. He didn't. But he scrambled up the nearby tree, his hand clapped over his mouth.
Reflexes?
He hoped dearly that when he looked back on this night he could laugh about it though it was doubtful.
The curtain at Ichigo's bedroom window flapped from the night breeze, revealing a glimpse of the boy as he sat on his bed. Renji's heart did a number in his chest. He sat on a branch, amazed that he could achieve this considering how heavy he thought his gigai to be and not to mention he still hadn't mastered it fully.
He watched for a while, his heart escalating every time he saw a flash of Ichigo when the curtains parted.
Was he becoming a stalker?
The notion brought a nervous smile to his lips.
He wasn't a stalker. He was Abarai Renji, 6th squad vice-captain and afraid of nothing, not even death.
With a skilled jump, he was stooping on Ichigo's window sill.
The boy was lying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling with a blank expression.
"Ichigo…"
"R-Renji?!" Ichigo sat up quickly, shock and something else written over his face, his eyes widened. "Don't do that, you scared me!"
Renji rubbed his neck sheepishly, but was surprised by Ichigo's somewhat subdued greeting. "S-Sorry… did I disturb you from doing something?"
Obviously he hadn't but his throat felt so dry that he just wanted something to say to keep things from getting too awkward.
Ichigo shifted, shaking his head vigorously. "No."
Seconds passed in painful silence, and none of them wanted to look at the other and the nausea swept over Renji again.
Ichigo, brave as he was, attempted to break the mind-numbingly awkward silence that had descended. "Is something wrong, Renji?"
The red-haired man shivered involuntarily at the sound of his name on Ichigo's lips. It was softer, whispered, as if too fragile to be said any other way than with the utmost care.
Very different, so different that Renji wondered momentarily if Ichigo already knew what he'd come for.
"I… I need to tell you something."
The look of mild surprise sat quite pleasant on Ichigo's face – a rare sight - and Renji felt his own cheeks heat up.
His gaze shifted to the open window, contemplating escape to the safety of the outside and forgetting that this had ever happened before it was too late.
Why did he need to tell Ichigo anyway? It could be his secret. Locked up and stored away in his heart.
No one needn't know of it.
But why didn't he want Ichigo to know?
The answer hit him like a ton of bricks and he sunk into the softness of the other's bed.
He was Abarai Renji, 6th squad vice-captain and afraid of something even worse than death.
Rejection.
He feared that Ichigo wouldn't return his feelings. That their friendship would be strained because of his confession and eventually crumble. He feared Ichigo's disgusted look at the utter idea, or his pitying look at the ridiculousness of them.
Renji couldn't bring himself to face Ichigo but the mattress shifted and sunk down from the weight now beside him. Ichigo was focused on the spot in front of him, a furious blush painting his cheeks. There was never a more beautiful sight, in Renji's eyes than what he was seeing now and he knew that no matter what he said, he couldn't go back.
He wouldn't go back.
"Renji… I-"
In a moment borne of longing and relief, he reached across and embraced Ichigo, inhaling his scent and savoring it. He considered himself lucky that he wasn't pushed away immediately but Ichigo tensed and Renji reluctantly let go.
Even if he was rejected, he would tell Ichigo. At least he would have that satisfaction. To know that he wasn't a coward.
He tilted Ichigo's chin and looked into the kind brown eyes he'd come to love. Ichigo didn't respond but Renji could sense his noticeably faster breathing.
Something in his eyes told Renji that he was conflicted. There was uncertainty but there was also something there, that he was sure mirrored his.
"I've loved you for so long … Ichigo, I…"
Ichigo stopped moving altogether and for a long moment they just looked into each other's eyes until Ichigo smiled sadly and ran the back of his hand over Renji's lips, feather light touches across his jaw.
He removed the thin ribbon that held Renji's hair up and watched as it fell over his shoulders, letting the silky strands ghost over his fingers.
Renji lost his control, the romantic gesture and Ichigo's beautifully sad expression pushing him over the edge. Without hesitancy, he brought their lips together chastely, running a hand around the boy's waist to pull him closer. He wanted-- no, he needed-- to feel him.
He needed to feel the heat he radiated, the warmth that drew him to his side at all times.
He almost forgot to close his eyes in his anxiety, but he did when Ichigo gently sucked on his lower lip and ran his tongue along his mouth. His lips were so soft, impossibly velvety, just as he'd dreamed and pictured and fantasized them to be.
Renji allowed him entrance, tongues and breaths mingling together, slowly, passionately, satisfied moans escaping them both. Admittedly, he'd never expected his friend to be this gentle, not that he was in any way complaining.
The kiss ended but Renji found that he didn't want to pull away, he wanted to be close to Ichigo as long as he could, and from his hesitation, it seemed Ichigo felt the same. He nuzzled Ichigo's face with his nose, enjoying the closeness that he had longed for and was now granted.
Their eyes locked, and Ichigo's held so many things that thrilled him and hurt him at the same time. Joy, relief, sadness and he wouldn't admit it, but a tiny tinge of guilt.
How could he never notice how transparent Ichigo was before?
How all his emotions and feelings were reflected in his eyes? Maybe he was never this close, or never this interested.
Renji kissed him again, and again, and when Ichigo backed off a little, eyes heavy lidded and panting heavily through swollen lips to say, "I've always loved you, Renji-kun," he nearly exploded. Something in his voice, told Renji that he had meant it.
He embraced the boy in his arms again and laid him back, applying soft kisses on his face and down his neck. He didn't see the silent tears falling and melting into the softness of the sheets.
Ichigo sighed softly and continued to jump from rooftop to rooftop, searching for Renji. The red-haired man had been so frantic and jittery when he said he had something to tell him, that Ichigo couldn't help but to be a little worried since he couldn't fathom what it could be that could have Renji so nettled.
He had come out to meet him, after curiosity and impatience got the best of him but he hadn't seen him for the entire night.
He was searching and waiting all evening and was getting hungry. Maybe Renji would come by when he was ready. That bastard, making him waste a perfectly good evening.
Ichigo shrugged and sprinted in the direction of home for dinner – if there was any left- and sleep.
And because even after all this time, he still felt uneasy about leaving his body in Kon's hands.