A/N~ The story and characters in it belong to Shakespeare, not me, but the dialogue is mine (except where noted). R&R, please!
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As You Like It, Abridged
Act I
Scene 1. An orchard near OLIVER's house.
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.
ORLANDO: (whining) Oliver's being meeeeeean. He won't give me any money.
ADAM: Shut up. Here he comes.
ORLANDO: Oooh! Go hide somewhere and watch, okay? So I can show you how utterly mean he is.
Enter OLIVER, who says MEAN THINGS to ORLANDO. ORLANDO grabs him by the THROAT.
OLIVER: Gurk!
ORLANDO: I WANT MY MONEY!
OLIVER: Fine! Fine! I'll give you your stupid money! Just go away!
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM. OLIVER cackles demoniacally and informs the AUDIENCE of his EVIL PLAN to KILL ORLANDO and KEEP his MONEY.
OLIVER: Hehehehe…Yo! Dennis!
Enter DENNIS, a RANDOM SERVANT with only TWO LINES in the WHOLE STINKING PLAY.
DENNIS: You called, sir?
OLIVER: Is that guy Charles here? You know, the /Duke's champion wrestler/? *dun dun DUN*
DENNIS: He's at the door, sir.
OLIVER: Let him in.
Exit DENNIS. Enter CHARLES.
CHARLES: Yo.
OLIVER: Yo. 'Sup at the court?
CHARLES proceeds to give a LONG and TIRESOME EXPOSITION.
OLIVER: (randomly) So you're /wrestling tomorrow/, right? *dun dun DUN*
CHARLES: Yeah. And your puny little bro wants to come wrestle with me. You sure that's such a good idea?
OLIVER: Oh, yeah. Him. Well, see, I /tried/ to talk him out of it, but no dice. So I guess I'd better let him. In fact, I really wouldn't mind if you broke his stubborn little neck, because he's mean and evil and wants to kill us all. I'll love you forever if you do it…(displays LARGE BAG of GOLD)
CHARLES: (staring hungrily at GOLD) Sure.
Exit CHARLES.
OLIVER: YES! YES! I'm finally rid of him! Now all my lingering, subconscious jealousy issues will go away!
Exit OLIVER, cackling demoniacally.
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Scene 2. In front of DUKE FREDERICK's palace.
Enter ROSALIND and CELIA.
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!
ROSALIND: (pouts)
CELIA: Pleeeeeease?
ROSALIND: Oh, okay. Hmm…(randomly) What do you think of falling in love?
A DUEL of WITS ensues. Enter TOUCHSTONE.
CELIA: Heyyy, it's the fool! Yo, Fool.
TOUCHSTONE: Lady, your father wants you.
MORE BATTLING of WITS, during which TOUCHSTONE's MESSAGE is COMPLETELY IGNORED.
Enter LE BEAU.
CELIA: Hey!
LE BEAU: (stuffily) Fair princess, you have lost much good sport. [line unedited]
CELIA: Sport? What color is it?
LE BEAU: ……
ROSALIND, CELIA and TOUCHSTONE proceed to CONFUSE the HECK out of LE BEAU.
LE BEAU: (finally getting to the point) Um, well, there's this /wrestling/ going on. *dun dun DUN*
ROSALIND: Cool! Where?
Enter DUKE FREDERICK, ORLANDO, CHARLES, and various random ATTENDANTS and LORDS.
LE BEAU: (belatedly) Here.
CELIA: Ah.
ROSALIND and CELIA go over to meet ORLANDO. ROSALIND and ORLANDO fall in LOVE at FIRST SIGHT.
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)
CELIA: A/hem/. (drags lovestruck ROSALIND off ORLANDO)
ORLANDO and CHARLES, after EXCHANGING INSULTS to each other's MANHOODS, proceed to WRESTLE. CHARLES loses BADLY. ORLANDO flexes MUSCLES.
DUKE FRED: How ya doing, Charles?
CHARLES: X_X
DUKE FRED: MEDIC!!!!!
CHARLES is dragged OFFSTAGE.
DUKE FRED: (to ORLANDO) By the way, what's your name?
ORLANDO: Orlando, sir. And my daddy was Sir Rowland de Boys.
DUKE FRED: (growls) I hated the guy.
Exeunt DUKE, LE BEAU, and random ATTENDANTS and LORDS. ROSALIND and CELIA go back over to ORLANDO.
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)
CELIA: NOT THE TIME. (drags ROSALIND off ORLANDO again)
ROSALIND: Bye bye, sweetie pie…
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA. Re-enter LE BEAU, who proceeds to tell ORLANDO in an extremely LONG-WINDED MANNER that he should GET the H*** OUT of HERE, because the DUKE is majorly PISSED. Exit LE BEAU.
ORLANDO: Dangit, now I've gotta go back to my evil brother again…ooh, that Rosalind girl is soooooo hotttttt…
Exit ORLANDO, in a lovesick daze.
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Scene 3. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.
Enter CELIA and ROSALIND.
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!
ROSALIND: (pouts)
AUDIENCE has ATTACK of DÉJÀ VU.
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS.
DUKE FRED: You! Rosalind! You're banished.
ROSALIND: Wha? Why?
DUKE FRED: Uh…because…because…(searches for plausible-sounding reason) because you're your father's daughter.
ROSALIND: Huh?
DUKE FRED: JUST GET THE H*** OUT OF HERE!
CELIA: Nooooo! Rosalind's my veryvery bestest friend and I love her and you can't do this to me! (wails)
DUKE FRED: Idiot.
Exeunt DUKE FRED and random LORDS.
CELIA: (still sniffling) Oh, Roz, what are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Hellllp! I'm scared!
ROSALIND: Hell/o/? What is with all this "we" stuff? I'm the one your dad just banished, right? /You/ aren't going anywhere.
CELIA: But I could /never/ be separated from you, my precious sweetie Rozzie poo! You're my veryvery bestest friend, remember? And I'm not leaving you.
ROSALIND: (sighs) All right, where are /we/ going to go?
CELIA: Um…um…why don't we go look for your dad in the forest of Arden? Yeah! Let's go!
ROSALIND: Do the words "rape" and "murder" ring a bell?
CELIA: Good point. (thinks) Well, we could make ourselves look like ugly peasant women…
ROSALIND: (inspired) Hey, yeah! And I could dress up like a guy, since I'm all tall and everything! (swaggers around looking MACHO, while CELIA dissolves into GIGGLES) Oh, and we could take Touchstone too, in case we get bored along the way or something.
CELIA: Wheeee! Let's go pack!
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA.
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As You Like It, Abridged
Act I
Scene 1. An orchard near OLIVER's house.
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.
ORLANDO: (whining) Oliver's being meeeeeean. He won't give me any money.
ADAM: Shut up. Here he comes.
ORLANDO: Oooh! Go hide somewhere and watch, okay? So I can show you how utterly mean he is.
Enter OLIVER, who says MEAN THINGS to ORLANDO. ORLANDO grabs him by the THROAT.
OLIVER: Gurk!
ORLANDO: I WANT MY MONEY!
OLIVER: Fine! Fine! I'll give you your stupid money! Just go away!
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM. OLIVER cackles demoniacally and informs the AUDIENCE of his EVIL PLAN to KILL ORLANDO and KEEP his MONEY.
OLIVER: Hehehehe…Yo! Dennis!
Enter DENNIS, a RANDOM SERVANT with only TWO LINES in the WHOLE STINKING PLAY.
DENNIS: You called, sir?
OLIVER: Is that guy Charles here? You know, the /Duke's champion wrestler/? *dun dun DUN*
DENNIS: He's at the door, sir.
OLIVER: Let him in.
Exit DENNIS. Enter CHARLES.
CHARLES: Yo.
OLIVER: Yo. 'Sup at the court?
CHARLES proceeds to give a LONG and TIRESOME EXPOSITION.
OLIVER: (randomly) So you're /wrestling tomorrow/, right? *dun dun DUN*
CHARLES: Yeah. And your puny little bro wants to come wrestle with me. You sure that's such a good idea?
OLIVER: Oh, yeah. Him. Well, see, I /tried/ to talk him out of it, but no dice. So I guess I'd better let him. In fact, I really wouldn't mind if you broke his stubborn little neck, because he's mean and evil and wants to kill us all. I'll love you forever if you do it…(displays LARGE BAG of GOLD)
CHARLES: (staring hungrily at GOLD) Sure.
Exit CHARLES.
OLIVER: YES! YES! I'm finally rid of him! Now all my lingering, subconscious jealousy issues will go away!
Exit OLIVER, cackling demoniacally.
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Scene 2. In front of DUKE FREDERICK's palace.
Enter ROSALIND and CELIA.
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!
ROSALIND: (pouts)
CELIA: Pleeeeeease?
ROSALIND: Oh, okay. Hmm…(randomly) What do you think of falling in love?
A DUEL of WITS ensues. Enter TOUCHSTONE.
CELIA: Heyyy, it's the fool! Yo, Fool.
TOUCHSTONE: Lady, your father wants you.
MORE BATTLING of WITS, during which TOUCHSTONE's MESSAGE is COMPLETELY IGNORED.
Enter LE BEAU.
CELIA: Hey!
LE BEAU: (stuffily) Fair princess, you have lost much good sport. [line unedited]
CELIA: Sport? What color is it?
LE BEAU: ……
ROSALIND, CELIA and TOUCHSTONE proceed to CONFUSE the HECK out of LE BEAU.
LE BEAU: (finally getting to the point) Um, well, there's this /wrestling/ going on. *dun dun DUN*
ROSALIND: Cool! Where?
Enter DUKE FREDERICK, ORLANDO, CHARLES, and various random ATTENDANTS and LORDS.
LE BEAU: (belatedly) Here.
CELIA: Ah.
ROSALIND and CELIA go over to meet ORLANDO. ROSALIND and ORLANDO fall in LOVE at FIRST SIGHT.
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)
CELIA: A/hem/. (drags lovestruck ROSALIND off ORLANDO)
ORLANDO and CHARLES, after EXCHANGING INSULTS to each other's MANHOODS, proceed to WRESTLE. CHARLES loses BADLY. ORLANDO flexes MUSCLES.
DUKE FRED: How ya doing, Charles?
CHARLES: X_X
DUKE FRED: MEDIC!!!!!
CHARLES is dragged OFFSTAGE.
DUKE FRED: (to ORLANDO) By the way, what's your name?
ORLANDO: Orlando, sir. And my daddy was Sir Rowland de Boys.
DUKE FRED: (growls) I hated the guy.
Exeunt DUKE, LE BEAU, and random ATTENDANTS and LORDS. ROSALIND and CELIA go back over to ORLANDO.
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)
CELIA: NOT THE TIME. (drags ROSALIND off ORLANDO again)
ROSALIND: Bye bye, sweetie pie…
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA. Re-enter LE BEAU, who proceeds to tell ORLANDO in an extremely LONG-WINDED MANNER that he should GET the H*** OUT of HERE, because the DUKE is majorly PISSED. Exit LE BEAU.
ORLANDO: Dangit, now I've gotta go back to my evil brother again…ooh, that Rosalind girl is soooooo hotttttt…
Exit ORLANDO, in a lovesick daze.
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Scene 3. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.
Enter CELIA and ROSALIND.
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!
ROSALIND: (pouts)
AUDIENCE has ATTACK of DÉJÀ VU.
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS.
DUKE FRED: You! Rosalind! You're banished.
ROSALIND: Wha? Why?
DUKE FRED: Uh…because…because…(searches for plausible-sounding reason) because you're your father's daughter.
ROSALIND: Huh?
DUKE FRED: JUST GET THE H*** OUT OF HERE!
CELIA: Nooooo! Rosalind's my veryvery bestest friend and I love her and you can't do this to me! (wails)
DUKE FRED: Idiot.
Exeunt DUKE FRED and random LORDS.
CELIA: (still sniffling) Oh, Roz, what are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Hellllp! I'm scared!
ROSALIND: Hell/o/? What is with all this "we" stuff? I'm the one your dad just banished, right? /You/ aren't going anywhere.
CELIA: But I could /never/ be separated from you, my precious sweetie Rozzie poo! You're my veryvery bestest friend, remember? And I'm not leaving you.
ROSALIND: (sighs) All right, where are /we/ going to go?
CELIA: Um…um…why don't we go look for your dad in the forest of Arden? Yeah! Let's go!
ROSALIND: Do the words "rape" and "murder" ring a bell?
CELIA: Good point. (thinks) Well, we could make ourselves look like ugly peasant women…
ROSALIND: (inspired) Hey, yeah! And I could dress up like a guy, since I'm all tall and everything! (swaggers around looking MACHO, while CELIA dissolves into GIGGLES) Oh, and we could take Touchstone too, in case we get bored along the way or something.
CELIA: Wheeee! Let's go pack!
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA.