Disclaimer: I do not own the Mario Franchise. Nor did I create Bowsette; thank you Ayyk92 for the unexpected fun.
Author's Note: Nothing major here just a bit of comedy and prody for fun. Hope its fun for you too.
Ascension of the Queen
Chapter 1
She Lives!?
It started out innocently enough. Well, as innocently as any plot hatched between two suitors who had been rejected by their mutual crush. To be fair, suitor number two had suggested they get drinks as part of a plan to defuse things. But alas, booze and ranting saw him lend his support, and so a scheme was plotted, and hatched.
At first it just seemed good, if awkward, fun. True, it failed to achieve its main goal, as she saw through the ruse. But they decided to just have fun with this. Yet things had started to cease to be funny. The joke had gone on so long people began to question if this was a joke or real business. And the perpetrator, singular at this point, seemed undaunted or simply oblivious.
No hero was willing to touch this now. Literally or metaphorically. So it fell to the villains to make right this weirdness.
And it began with a cunning bait to lure the perpetrator into an ambush.
"Free donuts in the break room?! I didn't even know we had a national breakfast pastry day!" Bowsette cheered, running in her heels to the break room.
Bowsette kicked the door down, lips pulled back to reveal her sharp teeth, grinning at the thought of jelly-filled goodness. Then the tyrant of the Koopa Troop blinked, realizing two things. Her foster children and a representative, it seemed, from every branch of the Troop plus Kamek were seated in the break room. That was the first thing. The second…
"You mooks ate all the donuts!?" she roared, breathing fire.
"There never were any donuts, my liege," Kamek said. The Magikoopa wore his usual attire of blue wizard robe and hat, with round glasses that concealed his eyes, but he looked more weary than usual.
"Well if there's no jelly-filled, I'm out of here," she huffed. A Thwomp slammed down from above, making Bowsette jump as her tail was nearly smooshed.
"What's all this?" she demanded, crossing her arms under her chest. A gesture that reminded everyone just why they were here.
"Sire, this is an intervention. I read about it in a magazine in the little Magikoopa's room. This whole Super Crown thing has gone too far. We worked together and made a speech we think will let you understand how we all feel," Kamek explained. He waved his wand, and with a twinkle of magic, a scroll appeared for the mage to pluck out of the air. Tucking his wand up a sleeve of his robe, he unrolled the scroll and cleared his throat.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of- Gah!" he cried out, as a fireball engulfed the scroll.
"Hmph," Bowsette huffed, looking away with her nose up and eyes closed, "I don't need an intervention, I can quit Super Crowning whenever I want. Besides, I'm King, I can do what I want!"
"Plan B then. Tackle Their Majesty!" Kamek called out.
"Wha?" Bowsette said, before being dog-piled by the assortment of Koopa Troopas.
The pile convulsed as she struggled under it, until with a gasp her left arm burst out of the pile, followed by her head. Crown skewed but still on and her hair messed up, she was red-faced — from lack of breath or anger, it was hard to tell. Looking up as a pair of Koopa feet peeking out from under a blue robe came into view, she saw Kamek waving his wand with opalescent light coming from it.
"Not to worry, sire, this is the best exorcism spell I could cook up! It really packs a punch!" he declared, winding up for the casting.
"Uh, Kamek sir," A Hammer Brother said from his place in the pile, "Is this safe?"
"Don't worry, I'll be perfectly fine. Now, BEGONITSITOSBRR!" he declared, slinging the spell into his liege's face.
KABOOM
X X X
In the hills of Dark Land, a Koopa rock farmer turned his head as part of the royal castle's roof was blasted off. Fire didn't seem to be spreading, and a forlorn stream of smoke was rising he noted.
Shrugging, the Koopa adjusted his straw hat, picked up his sledge hammer, and resumed tending his rocky fields.
X X X
"That, was a good bit more *cough* than expected," Kamek said, waving away the smoke as the fumes ceased and dust settled. Squinting behind his glasses, he saw the pile of charred minions heave and then rise up and fall away.
King Bowser looked down at the royal Magikoopa, and he looked less pleased than usual.
"Sire, I-" he did not get the chance to finish, as a Bowser-sized fist hammered down on him like he was a nail. The fist drew back to reveal an unconscious Kamek with cracked glasses in a small crater.
"Don't do that again," the Koopa King commanded, dusting himself off. Whether it was addressed to them or not, the charred minions nodded.
"Say, where'd the Super Crown go?" Bowser asked no one in particular, patting the top of his head. The minions groaned.
Bowser shrugged.
"Eh, whatever, I think I'm tired of that anyway. Now get out of here and get me some fresh donuts," the Koopa King commanded.
"But all the donut shops closed hours ago, Your Scaliness," Ludwig remarked.
"I didn't ask for a reasonable excuse, I asked for a donut. You idiots seem to be forgetting who's the king around here!" Bowser growled, cracking his knuckles.
As Bowser reasserted the pecking order, some wondered if they had made a mistake. Others were glad, despite it all, that the exorcism had worked. And others only were bothered by the pain being painful.
But no one actually thought on Bowser's question. Where had the Super Crown gone?
X X X
The Super Crown lay where the blast had taken it, in a convenient ditch outside a Shell Station, glowing ominously with an opal aura. The eyes began to glow to match the aura, and it shook like a squirrel or something was trapped inside. A crack appeared, and a pale but leanly-muscled arm with black-painted fingernails popped out of the base of the crown. Muffled yelling was heard, and the hand formed a fist. And started beating on the crown, which started to fracture, leaking the bright light.
At last, a mighty blow was struck, and the Shell Station attendant looked up from his magazine as he sat by the dumpster, as the most colorful explosion in history swept all the litter around him away.
"Blast it, Kamek! You blasted me right out of my clothes!" A woman roared nearby. The Koopa put his magazine aside went to the front of the Shell Station and put up a poster on the glass door.
'20% Up on Ladies Shells, Today Only.'
Sometimes it really paid to be part of a card-carrying evil kingdom.
X X X
Bowsette was good and steamed, the fumes rising beyond her horns by the time she had walked back to the castle. Fortunately, she had also bought some water bottles; they had only been 10% up today.
The red lady's shell she was wearing hugged her curves a good bit, but it utterly failed to convey her regal power and awesomeness like a proper gown. Deciding she couldn't be seen wearing this, she would sneak into her own castle. Fortunately, Koopa rulers had for generations maintained a secret passage to bypass the moat, magic traps, and other cool dangerous stuff. After all, between enemy invasions and cheating on your diets, sometimes a ruler needed a quick and discrete way in and out of their own fortress.
The entrance was at the nearby unassuming rock formation. Bowestte inspected the gray rock face next to the sign that declared this "Unassuming Rock Formation Royal Landmark. NO LITTERING." and found the sweet spot, tapping it three times and activating the spell. All that remained now was to speak the secret pass phrase.
"Open up, it's me," Bowsette commanded. The king-sized door appeared and Bowsette cackled, ducking inside. Soon, Kamek would pay — after all, the passageway let out in his room. It had been the royal washroom back when the passage was built. Apparently one Koopa ruler recommissioned it as the quarters for the royal Magikoppa as a washroom was the perfect place for his chief magician's research.
The Queen cackled anew, only just now getting the burn that other Koopa ruler had pulled on someone.
X X X
Castle Bowser practically shook as the sovereign himself stomped through the halls grumbling in anger. King Bowser was not having a good day. First, there were no donuts after he was promised free ones. Then his minions disrespected him. And now, apparently a monster was beating up Kamek.
"No one beats up my magician but me!" Bowser growled, stomping down the corridor. Several Troopas and a few Goombas were clustered around Kamek's door. He could hear roaring; it sounded a bit girly, but who was he to judge?
"Sire-" One of the Koopas said, before Bowser swept him aside. Since he wan't fighting Mario, he might actually win this time! He wasn't delaying.
Then he stomped into the room and stopped, seeing he was the one beating up Kamek?
"Huhhh? Why am I over there, Kamek?" Bowser and Bowsette demanded of the bruised Magikoppa held in her claws in sync.
X X X
Soon enough, Bowser, Bowsette, 5 to 6 Koopalings and Bowser Junior were in the conference room, where Kamek was using a dry erase board to explain things, while everyone else drank coffee from styrofoam cups.
"And that is what happened. Bowsette, through no fault of mine, is her own entity now. While she has all of King Bowser's memories, and thus far his core personality, she was essentially born from the Super Crown," the bruised Magikoopa said, pointing to the part of the equation that showed his glowing wand plus the Super Crown equaling Bowsette, who was drawn flexing her arms and cackling.
"So, is she my momma now?" Bowser Junior asked.
"Er, more like an aunt, young prince," Kamek said. Bowsette hummed, tapping her chin and swinging her tail. She had changed out of her red shell into a spiky green shell and one of her black strapless gowns to complete the look.
"But I was his father and now I'm a girl. So, that does kind of make me his mother," she pointed out.
"I'm not marrying yah. You may be a lot like Peach in looks, but yer not nearly as cute and cuddly," Bowser stated, crossing his arms.
"So, she can be your sister and my momma?" Junior asked.
"Uh-" Kamek stuttered.
"Seems legit to me," Bowser nodded
"Alright then," Bowsette agreed. The two and a half royal Koopas fist-bumped, as Kamek hung his head in exasperation.
"Hey, you have all my memories?" Bowser asked.
"Yep," Bowsette said, giving a thumbs up.
"Er, don't tell anything about the thing, okay?" he asked with a drop of sweat running down the side of his face.
"Sure, as long as I get to also be King of the Koopas," she said with fang-filled smirk.
"WHAT?!"
"What? I'm not going to abdicate just because I'm a girl now!"
"There's only one King of the Koopas. Do you want a Rumble or something!?" Bowser threatened, getting out of his chair. He loomed over Bowsette, who glared back up at him, getting out of her own chair, baring her fangs and cracking her knuckles.
"Majesties!" Kamek called out. Which brought both angry royals' attention to him, making him seize up.
Koopa kingship was determined by wrestling matches, a Royal Rumble to Rule it All. While he was confident Bowser could win such a match again, Kamek was not sure. And any accord reached would likely mean her hanging around, as she was actually getting along wth Bowser, averting many cliches. One Bowser was hard enough to deal with, and he'd rather the Bowser he knew if he had to pick one.
Time for his decades of Bowser-handling experience to payoff!
"…We must consult Koopa Law!" Kamek declared.
With a wave of his wand, a large leather-bound book with a green shell illustrated on its cover with the word "Law" on it appeared, floating in the air. Kamek grabbed the book and turned his back to the assembled and flipped through the pages. Finding the right page, he quickly skimmed it, then rifled though his pockets.
"Anyone have a pen?" he asked. Lenny gave him one, earning the spiky-haired Koopaling a pat on the head.
*Scribble scribble scribble*
"Ah ha! Yes, it says right here, that there can only be one King at a time!" Kamek said, turning around and pointing to where the law was written in the margins of the page.
"Darn it," Bowsette cursed. Ludwig made to say something, but was knocked off his chair by a magic missile.
"And if Bowsette took the throne we'd have to relabel everything with Bowser's name on it," Iggy pointed out. That got a loud murmur of approval.
"So, it's settled. Bowser stays our one and only King," Kamek declared.
"Hey, what am I, a cracked shell?" Bowsette protested, crossing her arms under her chest.
"She could be Queen instead," Morton Koopa Jr. suggested. Kamek made to object, but then rubbed the bottom of his beak.
"I ain't marryin' her. Peach is the only girl for me," Bowser reiterated.
"Yea, and it'd be weird to marry myself, as I was him. Is there a word for that?" Bowsette asked.
Kamek was not answering, his back turned on the Koopas and scribbling away with Lenny's pen.
"Well, as long as she's my momma, I don't care," Bowser Junior insisted.
"Koopa law provides a guide for this," Kamek declared. Flipping the book around, he showed the law spelled out clearly around the chapter header for the Urban Zoning laws.
"The title Queen of the Koopas can be held by a royal Koopa not married to the King, but the said not-married-to-the-King Queen may not reside in the royal castle without forfeiting her titles."
"Now just a second!" Bowsette said, grabbing the book. One fang poking out from her lips, she read the law book, eyes narrowed as Bowser leaned to look over her head.
"Ah ha! Just as I thought!" Bowsette declared, stabbing the page with a finger. Bowser rumbled in agreement, eyes lifting to glare at Kamek. The Magikoopa sweated and rubbed his forehead with the sleeve of his robe.
"They missed a period!" Bowsette declared, Bowser nodding.
"…" Kamek stared as Bowsette snapped the book shut with a haughty smile. Bowser took it from her hands and brandished it at Kamek.
"Someone's not taking Koopa Law seriously enough. Kamek, force whoever writes this stuff to take grammar tests. Real hard ones," Bowser commanded.
"Any failures get turned into frogs," Bowsette suggested.
"I was going to say a pay cut, but frogs work," Bowser shrugged.
"Right, so Bowsette will be moving out as soon as possible," Kamek confirmed.
"But I want my momma around," the prince cried.
"She can visit on weekends. No, every other weekend you visit her," Kamek declared, vanishing the book of Koopa Law before he had to pen a novel worth of additions in the margins.
"You can take the dresses, they don't suit my figure without the crown anyway," Bowser said to Bowsette.
X X X
Kamek was busy with paperwork. His office was made for mystic works and a kitchenette so he didn't have to drop everything to have a decent meal. But sometimes he had to micromanage royal affairs himself to keep things on track. His additions to Koopa Law recently required this until the new editions got printed. That was not his order, but from His Majesty to fix glaring grammatical errors.
Well, it worked to the better of the Dark Land and Koopa Troop, he supposed.
Bowsette had foregone a coronation, wanting to keep an element of surprise to her new status; for a dramatic reveal, she said. And she had been thrilled at seeing her allowance from the treasury as Queen. Fortunately Bowser, and by extension her, had never bothered to check the budget. So she didn't know she was actually getting a pay cut with the new title.
She had taken it well that she'd need to get her own castle, staff, and Troop, which she had already called the Bowsette Troop. To help her get started, he'd already enlisted his son Lamek as her court wizard and advisor. It was the boy's own fault — he had graduated from college a year ago and hadn't gotten a job yet, waiting for the "right opening". Well, if he wasn't going to show initiative, he might as well follow in his father's footsteps, Kamek decided with a grin, dotting the last "i" that would seal his son's fate with the magical contract.
Putting a hand to his not easily seen ear, he listened. And chuckled when the distant scream of despair reached his ears.
Somedays, it was worth it to be the Royal Magikoopa and second-in-command of this kingdom of fools.
Days Later, Morning:
The morning mist was vanishing and the sun rising on another desolate day in the Dark Land as a small crowd assembled in the Castle Bowser courtyard.
"Lamek, looks like we're ready to roll," Bowsette said. The Queen of the Koopas hopped into the driver's cabin of the eighteen-wheeler, where Lamek was already buckled into the passenger seat. He was a shorter, unwrinkled version of his father, wearing a green robe. Same glasses though, Bowsette noted.
"It's pronounced 'Lamb'ek', Your Majesty, not 'Lame'ek'," he corrected, already sounding weary.
"Whatever, Lamek. My wardrobe is packed, the truck is fueled up, and we've got cash. What else is needed to take on the world?" she asked.
"A base of operations, independent income, a coherent plan of development, a structured organization-" he rattled off, pulling a clipboard from the glove compartment.
"Details, details. That's what I've got you for. I'm a big picture girl," she said, puling on a black trucker hat with the words "#1 Momma" written in gold on it. It was cut to slide on her head around the horns, and matched the black and gold gown she was wearing. In color scheme, at least.
"First, I'll burst onto the evil scene. Then I'll collaborate with Bowser, then usurp him as the best villain in Mario's roster! Bwahaha!" Bowsette cackled.
"Well, the world's certainly not prepared for you," Lamek admitted, as she rolled down the driver side window.
"I know, ain't it great?" she said, waving goodbye to Bowser, Junior, the Koopalings, Kamek, and assorted extra Koopas.
"Good luck Mama!" Junior called out.
"Show them even girl Bowser is still awesome!" Bowser yelled.
"Don't buy on the margin!"
"Mind the turns in that!"
"Always break for Bob-ombs!"
"Hot dogs, get yer hot dogs!"
Cackling while the others were distracted by cheap meat in a bun, Bowsette pulled the cord to honk the horn three times and floored the gas, tearing out of the Bowser courtyard in her Koopa-themed semi.
The Ascension of the Koopa Queen had begun.
Authors Note 2: That was fun, hoe you enjoyed it. We actually have a back log on this story. iwas worling on it at the same time as Shadow of the Titans. This lower intensity project really helped with blocks.
It feels good to be doing silly work again.
Expect the next chapter up in about a week.