Refusing To Accept Acceptance
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the story!
A/N: This is just a one-shot that came to me while listening to my iPod. This is all set to Yuna in first person. It takes place after Final Fantasy X and during Final Fantasy X-2. Hope you guys like it. Review and let me know, good or bad! :)
Denial and isolation -
I hear them in the distance – I always do. Their words are soft at first; pity and a certain amount of understanding, teetering, as those very words spill from their lips.
"I know she misses him – we all do. But she has to learn before it consumes her, as well."
No matter how much I walk, how much distance I put between us, or how far I run, I just can't seem to get far enough away. I try to analyze them, digging deep within myself to sympathize, but I just find myself becoming dizzy – drunk with those same words wound deep inside, clutching at my throat.
Rooms have never seemed so small, you know? It's almost like this world is no longer big enough, or wide enough to hold me. There's too many people seeking my company, or searching for words of wisdom from the one who stood up against all we've ever known. How can I give them what they want or seek, if I can't seem to find what it is I want? How can I hope to set their feet upon the path of knowledge, if I'm not even sure what it is I live for now?
"She has to let him go. He's not coming back. If we keep indulging her, we might as well wield the weapon of choice that ends her life."
The designs etched in the sand beneath my feet crumble with the on coming tide, and I only allow a tear – one single tear to fall. Those words that spill from their mouths, those voices that used to comfort me in my time of need, those chosen few I had sat upon a pedestal, have fallen from my graces.
It's times like this, when I walk along the surf, that I find myself stopping; I'm listening for your whistle.
Anger -
"Not until the end; always."
I allowed myself to be wrapped up in you. I told myself over and over again, that in the end, it would be you that kept my world turning. I gave in, I accepted, I believed. I allowed your words to become true, if only deep inside myself. I gave all of myself...to you.
"I love you."
So here I sit, wiggling my toes deeper into the sand. I can't help but to relive that memory over, and over, and over again. I had spoken those three words, didn't I? I had given you all I was able to at the time, didn't I? Maybe it just wasn't enough – maybe it never had been enough. I can't even think about whispering your name anymore, and I've tried to forget your face that haunts my dreams every night.
You promised me always, and I had believed you – I had trusted you. But in trusting you, I found that I had become the fool.
Bargaining -
The more I gather the scattered pieces of thoughts in my head, the more I wonder what it would have been like had I continued on. What if I hadn't been selfish? I had the opportunity – I had the means to finish what I had started. That's what my Guardians were for, right? If nothing else...what if I had kept my promise? What if I had given my life instead? I would have been able to follow you into the rapture of the pyreflies that had gathered that day. If nothing else, I could be with you right now.
Wherever you are...
Depression -
It used to be that I could walk – one foot in front of the other; taking each day as it came, and smiling when I felt sad.
But now?
The more I take in the air around me, the harder it is to breathe. I struggle to even sit up in my bed as the sun and moon revolve around me. When I'm around people, I feel that I just stand there, watching the world move forward without me. Your light is fading, and as it happens, I slip further into the darkness.
Where are you?
Were you ever there to begin with? Sometimes, I truly think my heart just wants to stop beating. Maybe...I want it to. Maybe if I just stop, everything else will, too. The hurt, the sting, the pain, the loneliness that only you could purge...if you were still here with me.
I've come to find that my dreams are the only true escape besides death. There, you can hold me. In my fantasies, I can lull myself into the days where you would laugh, and into the nights when our secret love would grow under the silvery glow of the moon. Maybe, just maybe, that's the answer to my longing and solitary prayer.
If I long for it enough, Death will wrap me in his merciful embrace, carrying me to you on silver wings that only the moon can supply. Death...in my slumber.
Acceptance -
It seems stubbornness and a bit of selfishness , isn't so bad after all...
"Are you real?"
"I think so."
There are five stages to grief and loss
"Do I pass?"
"Mm."
I was in denial, and I had isolated myself from a world where you no longer existed.
"You're back."
"I am back."
I had been angry at you for leaving me behind and breaking your promise to me.
"I'm home!"
"Welcome home!"
I often thought if I had bargained my life away, we could be together again.
"Yes, home."
I had given in to the depression that sought to take over, believing that maybe it could comfort me in a way nothing else could.
"You know, you've changed!"
"Well, you've missed a few things!"
It seems that out of the five, I managed to miss a step. I refused to accept the fact that you were gone from my life forever. To everyone else, accepting your fate meant that I still stood a chance at living my life. But for me, acceptance would have meant that my faith in you had failed – I would have failed you, as well. I had the choice to skip that step – the world doesn't.
They have to accept your return to Spira.
Ta da! I gotta say, I like how this turned out. The song that played while writing this was Inuyasha's Lullaby. I thought it fit the emotion really well, and I hope I did a good job getting into Yuna's psyche. :)