The Legend of Link
Once Upon A Time, in the mystical, imaginary land of Japan,
A young man named link was on his way to Bob's Sword emporium
And Sushi Bar to buy a new sword with which to chase away the creepy
Goth kids that always hung out at the hot topic where he worked.
All of a sudden, he heard a scream coming from a nearby alley.
He dashed towards the source of the sound, and saw a young woman
Being mugged by a tall, muscle-bound man who looked like a pig.
He shouted at the man to go away, but the man just faced him and brandished a knife.
Link wondered what the woman was doing in the alley, but he had no time to think.
He picked up some chickens, which were conveniently located nearby and began throwing them at the man, because ever since link was a young boy, he had a mysterious power over chickens.
He gave the chickens a telepathic command to attack, and they pecked out
The man's eyes, blinding him, and then they killed him and feasted on his entrails (those are guts.).
Link thought nothing of this, and continued walking, because he wasn't very bright.
He came across a bunch of police tape that said, "Construction ahead. Danger." but he couldn't read very well, so he just slipped under it and continued walking. Out of the blue, he fell down a manhole
And knocked himself unconscious. He floated down the river of human waste for a while,
And when he came to, he could see that he was in some sort of underground cavern.
From the next room, link could hear a bunch of people who sounded like 1960's surfers arguing about the last piece of pizza. Link walked in, and saw 4 huge turtles in a brawl. He watched for a while, but due to his short attention span and the fact that he was hungry, he lost interest and ate the pizza conveniently located on a table next to him. Link had what the doctors called short-term memory loss. At least, I think he did…
All of a sudden, the turtles stopped fighting and looked at him, then all 4 of them picked him up and started carrying him above their heads. They walked along until they came to this big cool-looking black hole,
Then threw him in. Link was once again knocked unconscious, this time by a miniscule rip in the time-space continuum. When he came around again, this time he was in a grassy field. There was a cave to the northwest, so he went in and found an old man with a long beard and a bathrobe staring intently at a wooden sword. He asked the old man for help, but he continued staring at the sword. He tried to get the old man's attention, but the old man just kept looking at the sword. Eventually, he picked up the sword and whacked the old man with it, at which point the Torches on either side shot jets of flame at him, engulfing him and making him black and jagged-lined, like in cartoons. The old man began laughing maniacally
And threw a smoke-bomb on the floor. When the smoke cleared, he was 3 feet from where he was before.
Link watched as he clumsily made his way to the far-side wall, then a secret door opened and the old man went through. Link followed him through a lengthy passageway, then came out in a huge castle.
He wandered around for a while looking for the old man, until eventually he came to a huge set of double doors. He opened the doors and came out in the throne room, Where a blonde woman saw him and walked over to him. She told him that her name was princess Zelda, and that he was the "Legendary Hero Of Time™". He supposed she was right. After all, the woman was royalty, and he also thought she was good-looking. She told him about how an evil man named Ganon had stolen the Legendary Triforce, a source of great power forged by the goddesses into the form of three golden triangles. Or something. Link was too busy looking at a bird outside the window. All of a sudden, the huge stained glass window at the back of the room burst open and a Giant Pig-man jumped through. He grabbed the princess and flew back out through the window. Link tried to follow him, but he couldn't because he wasn't able to jump high enough.
Link began to feel bad about no being able to save the princess and sat down on the floor. He thought about how he would ever manage to get back home, about if he would ever see his friends, family, or Nintendo GameCube© again. Then he thought about butter. He didn't know why, but like I have said, he wasn't very smart.He got depressed and gave up. He walked out the door that was conveniently located just below the window discouraged. Then he saw Ganon standing outside in front of a sweet-looking sword that was blue
With carved wings, a golden triangle on the handle, and a long blade that was carved really awesomely. Ganon looked up and saw him, and instantly he flew into a rage that the Hero Of Time™ had come to stop him. He redoubled his efforts to pull the sword out of the pedestal, but couldn't. Link decided to help the Pig-man because he forgot all about how he had kidnapped the princess. He drew it easily and held it out to Ganon, but it glowed with a blinding light and Ganon cringed in pain. He jumped back, and with a wave of his hand, transported them all to a dungeon-looking place. He pulled out a big spear and came at link with it, but Link threw the wooden sword he got before at Ganon, hitting him in the eye and causing him to drop his weapon, Link dashed Frantically towards the spear lying on the floor, and picked it up. He threw it away from Ganon while the pig monster was blinded, then slashed him across the back with the Master sword. Ganon let out a scream of agony, then knocked Link flying with a mighty sweep of his hand.
He rushed to pick up his dropped spear, then stood up and shot a fireball at Link. Link blocked it with the master sword, but the impact sent it shooting out of his grip like a greased olive. While he scrambled to pick it up, Ganon kicked him in the ribs sending him sprawling. Link grabbed the sword and slashed him with a quick barrage of Attacks, then swung his sword hard… and missed Ganon. However, the sword was jerked around behind him from the force of his swing, and All of a sudden it started glowing.
Link spun around, sword extended, hitting Ganon and knocking him back. Then He jumped high in the air as he could feel his courage well inside him. Link came down onto Ganon's head, Jabbing the sword through his skull, through his brains, and down into his body. Ganon turned into stone and the dungeon began to collapse. The floor began to crumble away from the center of the room out, revealing lava underneath.Stones crashed down from the ceiling and the tower threatened to collapse into itself. Link grabbed the Triforce and the unconscious princess Zelda, and sent out a desperate final plea to the chickens of the world. They came in droves, bursting through the ceiling and tunneling through the subterranean walls. Link grabbed the master sword from Ganon's granite Skull,
Then grabbed the leg of the biggest chicken there, his pet Coco puffs. Coco was a flying roster, and they lifted off through the ceiling and out into a tunnel. Link saw a light at one end and could hear screaming and yelling from the other, so he opted for the end with the light. Coco Puffs flew down, and as Zelda awakened, he went into the light and saw…
The ceiling of the hospital. He asked what was going on, and the Doctors told him that he had washed
Up on the shore of the harbor near a sewer pipe. He told them his story, but all the doctors laughed. None of them believed him at all. Link jumped up out of the hospital bed, leapt out of the window, landed in a pile of raked leaves, and ran to the beach. He looked around, trying to find the Princess, the Triforce, and his sword, and eventually found the sword in the shallow water amongst some seaweed and pieces of driftwood and garbage. He picked it up, then began to walk back to the manhole he fell down in the first place. He had some unfinished business to complete…
Epilogue
An employee at Nintendo heard Links' story,
And decided to make it into a video game, but he added all kinds of crazy crap,like
"levels" and "enemies". It proved ridiculously popular and spawned several sequels
chronicling Link's further adventures in The sewer pipe Hyrule, and with all the royalties Link
retired early. He to this day continues to be richer than Bill Gates.
People now believed his story.
Zelda married link and they have 47 children, all named Link.
Hyrule became open to tourists until it became polluted and littered and several tourists got killed
By the indigenous monsters.Then it was magically sealed to all except Link and the Royal family.
And some weirdo named Tingle.
The Crazy Old man Lived to be 500 because he was too stupid to remember to die.
Link bought the Hot Topic chain of stores and started a new No Goths or Bags of Potatoes rule
Because he had had an innate, irrational fear of potatoes ever since he was a small child and a potato ate his father at a barbecue. Link is just so crazy.
Ganon came back to life… again and again and again and again and….
The End…Or is it? Yeah, probably.