Title: Won't Jump For You Anymore
Author: Silverkitsune
Warnings: Um…magic?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Tina Cohen-Chang is nobody's back-up dancer, and if she has to cut the strange/marvelous/horrible chord connecting her to Kurt Hummel to prove it she will. Mentions of Klaine. Guest staring Marley and Unique.
Author's note: So many thank-yous to wonderful tumblr users shesanoddoneisntshe and Luckyjak for betaing this for me! I own neither Glee nor any of its characters.
Comments and critique are welcome.
Tina's flight had been far too smooth. Not one pocket of turbulence the entire way from New York to Chicago and with only twenty minutes left she glumly suspected that they were in the clear.
In the distance she could see lightning wiggling across the dark sky chasing its tail like an energetic cat. She leaned her forehead against the plane window and willed the storm to come closer. She'd never been able to sleep on planes, cars or trains and without so much as an irritating seatmate she had nothing to distract her from her own thoughts.
Her black Doc Martins felt too big with only her tight-clad feet in them, and as she tromped down the stairs to Kurt's bedroom she was hyper focused on her foot falls. Brittany was behind her and having a Cheerio at her back made her skin itch. She'd half expected to see Santana marching after her checking her cell phone or chomping on gum, ready to eviscerate them with a look and a splash of venom.
Despite being in the basement Kurt's bedroom was so bright it almost hurt Tina's eyes. The walls were white with every fixture and stick of furniture chosen to match. The couch Tina sat on (and received a look of slight irritation from Kurt as a result even if he hadn't said anything about sitting on the furniture) was like a fluffy cloud on a chilly December day, and as Tina unlaced her boots and pulled on her heels her eyes searched the room for a scrap of color. The glitter of Kurt's black sequined vest drew her eye, the click of Brittany's heels against the linoleum floor entertained her ears, but that was it. The room was so clean it felt sterile. Tina took a sniff, expecting the sickly sweet smell of air freshener layered over disinfectant. Instead she got a nose full of vanilla.
"It's like being born all over again," Brittany announced, twisting her pony tail around her fingers. She gently poked the delicate looking wicker chair. "Can I see the room with all the babies?"
Kurt didn't answer, just motioned them into formation.
The streets around O'Hare Airport were messy with black slush. Fresh white snowflakes, newly born and excited to be in the world danced under Tina's nose as she waved for a cab. The cold was ridiculous, and she buried her nose under the knitted red scarf. Her bag vibrated; she winced but didn't check the text message that has lit up her phone like a new star in the inky black space of her purse.
Inside the taxi was sweltering, and she shrugged off her coat in preparation for the ride into the city.
Her phone buzzed again and again, the vibrations nudging it across the lining of her purse like an erratic planchette on a Ouija board. She waited until the taxi hit the highway before checking to see what messages had arrived from the great beyond.
Her black clunky boots were the first things to be tossed into the bag. Then a pair of bat wing earrings and the vampire cape she regularly used to scare principal Figgins.
A future was trying to crystallize around Tina. She could feel it tickling the shells of her ears, carefully weaving around her shoulders and neck. It ghosted over her kneecaps as she walked to class, and slipped into her mouth to poke at her back molars while she was on dates at Breadstix.
It had been nothing to worry about at first. Whatever the possible future was it was as delicate as sea foam and just as easily discarded. Nothing more than a tickle of possibility, and during those long months were Kurt had been at Dalton it had even disappeared completely.
Tina stretched her hand through a pair of long black and purple tights. The ones that made her feel like a gloriously odd Tim Burton character and then shoved them into the bag.
Ever since prom, the feeling had been back, but it was stronger now. While she'd sang with Brittany swaying behind Blaine at Kurt's request it was as though she could have reached out and physically touched the strings and threads that were weaving around her. It felt like she was being preserved, put in stasis. The very thought made her hair stand up and rage bubble in her stomach.
The black ripped sweatshirt with its silver skull brooch went in the bag, a bottle of blue hair dye, a plaid skirt and the goth girl cheerleader outfit. She paused when her hands wrapped around the tiny top hat that had completed her prom ensemble, her fingers rubbing along the edges, but in the end she firmed her resolve and added it to the mix.
Whatever was happening, whatever was trying to grab hold of her, she needed to escape it. To disguise herself, and throw it off her scent. She'd been due for a wardrobe change anyway. Sulky goth girl just -didn't fit her anymore.
Once the bag was full she double knotted the bright red plastic and tossed the bag over her shoulder. Her parent's car keys jingled in her hand as made her way to the car. She had shopping to do.
Marley opened the door in an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants that spilled over the tops of her feet. Sleepy eyed and slow moving she rubbed her eyes as though Tina were a ghost.
"Tina? Hi?"At some point she'd chopped off her long brown locks in favor of a pixie cut. It made her features look even tinier and more elfish than before. Marley waved her inside, and Tina left the frigid Chicago air for the not quite warm, but out of the wind atmosphere of the other woman's apartment.
The door shut with a click and Tina shoved her phone into Marley's hands. "Don't let me look at it. I can't afford to lose it, but if I have to hold it I'll throw it into the river."
Marley eyes widened even as the rest of her body froze. A rabbit like reaction that Tina had grown so used to during their year with New Directions. The phone buzzed and Marley jumped a foot. Tina felt like shrieking.
"I just need some place to hide," Tina said, breathless and more than a little panicked. "I needed someone who wouldn't take his side! Everyone else will take his side and make me turn back! Brittany, Santana, Rachel, Mercedes, Sam, Mike! You were never so invested that you'd take his side so that's why I ran here."
Marley's eyes dropped to the phone screen. "You have like 15 texts from someone named Kurt." She paused. "Oh! Blaine's boyfriend, Kurt? How is Blaine? Why aren't you in New York?"
Tina stood in the entry way, her lower lip trembling and her eyes growing alarmingly wet, at the sight of Unique sitting at the breakfast bar with a bagel in her hand and a question in her eyes.
She didn't really start to worry until Kurt dismissed her from one NYADA audition, and then summoned her for a second one. Mostly because he hadn't even asked her to prepare for the second one. She'd just found herself thinking the flashy gold dress she'd been stitching together as a possible regional outfit would be nice to wear that day, and well she'd made two extra to try against the skin tones of the other girls in New Directions so why not bring them with her. Then she'd found herself wandering over the auditorium at 5 p.m. When she saw Brittany and Mercedes it had just felt right that the three of them would be meeting, as though Tina had been looking forward to it all day. Even if all they were doing was flanking Kurt in a song Tina was sure she'd never heard before.
At the end while Kurt was beaming and bouncing, Mercedes was clapping and Brittany was serene as a cat who'd just finished a sizable bowl of cream, Tina was elated. She felt as though she'd been filled with light. She was drunk on the happiness shooting through her veins.
It wasn't until later, days later, as she stormed through the Lima mall with a bolt of fabric under her arm, and determination powering her feet that the words "I had my swans on standby" started playing through her brain. The words made her stomach tighten.
There was salt on Tina's face. Even after she whipped the tears away she could feel the stiffness of her skin from where it had sunk into her pores.
"Hey girl," Unique said, softly. She approached her with the caution of someone trying to capture a frightened bird. "Don't cry. What's wrong?"
The tears brought along a wave of frustration and rage. "You're not supposed to be here!"
"She's my roommate," Marley said, puffing up and ready to defend Unique if need be. So much better at protecting everyone except herself, but as deadly as an irritated kitten. Tina rubbed her eyes with her fists willing them to stop leaking rivers across her cheeks.
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do," Unique said, looking affronted. "Unique is all about free will."
"Yes, you will!" Her voice was starting to get shrill and Tina died at little inside at the sound. "You like him more! Of course you will! You're going to make me go back to New York and sing with Kurt!"
Gods had helpers. Ravens sat upon the shoulders of Odin. Cats happily pulled along Freyja's chariot. Nymphs bounded through the woods after Artemis on a hunt. Hades had Cerberus his three headed dog.
Tina closed her laptop and leaned back in her chair.
Witches had familiars. Cats, dogs, rabbits, even frogs that kept them company and did their bidding. Wizards had owls and there wasn't a Disney princess created without a talking animal companion.
She wondered which one Kurt was. Did Kurt even know what he was doing? She wondered if he'd care. It was hard to tell with Kurt sometimes, and none of the entries mentioned the helper in question being asked. She dug her toes into the carpet and her thoughts snapped and crackled through her brain.
No matter what Kurt was it didn't matter. She was done. Even if he asked her, and especially if he didn't, she'd fight it. She refused to come when called like a well-trained dog. Not anymore. She was no one's back up dancer. Not anymore.
Tina paced in front of the couch her boots click-clacking against the wood floor, and bits of snow melting in her hair. When Marley joined Unique on their dilapidated couch Unique broke her bagel in
half, handing it to Marley as they watched Tina bounce back and forth across the room.
"I wrapped your phone in one of Unique's scarfs and then shoved it under my pillow," Marley said. "Are you okay now?"
"No," Tina wailed. "I thought it would go away, but it's like there's this rope attached to my bellybutton. The farther I run the tighter it pulls."
"Tina," Marley said, her hands stretched out to placate the ruffled feathers of her friend. "I'm not really sure what you're talking about."
"You sound crazy," Unique added.
Tina pounded over to her suitcase, and unzipped the bag so quickly that the zipper jumped off the track and only the top half could be opened. She shoved her hand inside and groped until she felt the cold silky material. Ripping the garment out she threw it onto Marley's lap.
"Are these-" Marley lifted the ball of blue silk away from body. The sequins Tina had stitched up the sides of the half-finished project twinkled. "Okay I don't what these are. What are they?"
"I don't know!" Tina said. Her fists clenched. "I'm sick of not knowing. I just started making them. I have other projects. I am barely sleeping trying to do my own work, but suddenly all my energy went into making these. Then Brittany showed up out of the blue, and Kurt started going on and on about this audition, and then Blaine told me Kurt had been watching the Genie in a Bottle music video on repeat, and I knew it was happening again. But I'm done. I'm cutting the chord. I do not want to be one of Kurt Hummel's swans again! No more!"
The hot Florida sunshine completely encased Tina's body as she lay on the sand. She sighed happily when the ocean raced up her legs, tickling her thighs before pulling back. The salt made her hair stiff and clumpy, and there was sand in her swim suit.
Her parents were back at her aunt's condo claiming heat exhaustion so she was blissfully alone.
Laying in the ocean it was easy to forget that she and her parents were in the midst of a cold war over her college acceptance (specifically that she hadn't accepted any of the offers). That this magical Florida vacation was always going to be tinged with her father's worried sighs and her mother's pointed stares.
Tina had other plans. They involved New York, an apartment with Blaine and Sam and a distinct lack of school. No more Asian F's to worry about. Not for her. Now she only had to convince her parents that this was the right decision. But for right now she was sunlight and sand. She didn't belong to anyone or anything.
She was wiggling out of her bikini bottoms, fully intent on knocking skinny dip in the Atlantic off her bucket list, when there was a jerk in her stomach so strong that she sat straight up.
It didn't hurt. It tugged and insisted. She pulled her bathing suit back up and stood. She turned north and stared down the length of beach the sunlight dappling the salt water. Her skin itched. As though pure electricity had been shot through her veins. There was one clear thought in her brain. A need that pulsed through her body and clouded her mind.
She was needed in New York.
"So Kurt's like, the pied piper?" Marley asked as they hurried across the sidewalk the air cold and wind tugging at their hair. "But just for you?"
"I guess," Tina answered stepping quickly around a hunk of gray snow. Her fingers were throbbing from where she'd chewed her nails down to the nubs and then gnawed at her cuticles.
"You ever tell him about this?" Unique asked.
Tina shook her head. "I open my mouth and I can't! I don't think he knows he's doing it! He never even says thank you. He just expects me to be there. Once I told Sam, all he did was give me a lecture about blaming other people for my problems and learning to use the word, 'No.' Blaine listened, but he's got blinders on when it comes to Kurt." Tina shoved her fingers through the hole in her pocket's lining. "He wanted to know if it was really so bad if it made me so happy."
That was the hard part. How fun it always was. The rush of electricity. The flush of performing. It was like a drug and while she was still high on it she never thought about how none of this was actually her choice. It wasn't until later when she was dealing with angry parents screaming about how she'd abruptly left their family vacation to jump on a plane to New York without so much as a good-bye that she would think logically again.
"I guess he notices when you don't show up," Marley said.
Tina's phone was still back in their apartment probably buzzing and buzzing and buzzing. The hum was under her skin and it made her teeth rattle. As Marley ushered them into a small brick building she wondered what kind of punishment she'd get for refusing a god.
"What time is his audition?" Unique asked.
Tina could feel the answer in her bones pumping through her blood. "Noon."
Noon. Noon. Noon. You have to be there by noon!
"We have three hours," Unique said. "You're going to sing. You're just going to keep singing. Music, fashion, art, it's all magic, and you got some of it."
"That's not true," Tina responded. "Nothing ever works out the way I want it to!"
"When I got to McKinley there were all these crazy rumors about what lurked in the halls after hours," Unique said.
"Coach Sylvester?" Tina asked.
Unique shook her head. "Vampires. Whole school was terrified of staying after hours because apparently a vampire came out after dark."
Tina snorted.
Marley was nodding rapidly. "I heard them too, except that I heard it was like some kind of witch. Even the football team wouldn't go farther than the locker room after games."
"What does that have anything to do with this?" Tina asked.
"Whatever is going on with Kurt, you've got something too," Unique said. "So you're going to conjure your own and fight back."
Marley slid the sticky karaoke binder across the table to her.
"Pick a bunch of songs," she insisted. "I know the DJ. He lets me practice in here all the time so I know how to work the booth."
It was easier when she was focusing on something, and so Tina flipped and pointed at song after song until Marley had a sizable list. Then she headed for the stage even as her entire body leaned toward the door.
The lights came up and Tina sang.
This damn bean won't jump for you anymore. Jumping bean won't jump for you anymore. Keep on moving.
She was sweating under the light.
I won't be your jumping bean anymore. I can't be your beauty I won't jump for your team anymore.
Her entire body felt like it was on fire, and when the first song ended she moved right into the next.
Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand
The silence between songs was defining, and in those beats of silence she would start to move away from the stage. Bright yellow taxis filled her mind and a text that she would send to Kurt declaring she was coming and she was so very sorry.
She started crying in the middle of the third song, but she powered through it. If Rachel Berry could cry sing while falling apart then so could she! She could pick up her own pieces.
But I don't feel like dancin'
No sir, no dancin' today.
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
Even if i find nothin' better to do
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
Why'd you pick a tune when I'm not in the mood?
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
I'd rather be home with the one in the bed till dawn, with you,
Not all of the lyrics matched up exactly to what she needed, but she'd spent her teenage years with New Directions and close counts.
It´s time to leave,
if I´m to live
because I have no more,
there´s nothing left to give.
I watch you rise,
I watch you fall
while I am standing with my back
against the wall.
It was every solo she never got in New Directions. Every chance she had to sing that she'd messed up all on her own, and every chance she never let herself take. Song after song until her throat went raw, but she couldn't stop. If she looked back now it was all over.
What you cannot quench, you must burn down,
Lose one house to save the town
It's better still that one should fall
Than by its burning risk them all
Water water
The pull to leave only got worse as the clock ticked onward, and when she started shaking she hooked the microphone to the stand.
You'll dance to anything! You'll dance to anything!
Oh I confess, I confess, to the rumor of us
'Cause you didn't come and speak to me or put my heart at ease
And I believe that half the time
I am a wolf among the sheep, gnawing at the wool over my eyes
When the silence between songs wasn't interrupted after only a few seconds Tina realized she'd finally run out of music. She made it as far as the edge of the stage before Marley appeared on her left and Unique on her right.
They led her back to stoplight and the microphone, and Marley pointed to the prompter. "It's one of my favorites."
Black clouds are behind me
I now can see ahead
Often I wonder why I try
Hoping for an end
Sorrow weighs my shoulders down
And trouble haunts my mind
But I know the present will not last
And tomorrow will be kinder
Tina had never heard the song, but she stumbled along following the slow melody. Clinging to it like it was the last song she'd ever sing.
Tomorrow will be kinder
Its true, I've seen it before
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
Unique and Marley were a warm weight on either side of her, her head buzzed, but she held her ground. Refusing to give up and run the way she used to. Her hand wrapped around the base of the microphone and then Unique's hand was on top of hers and Marley's to the side.
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
Her bones ached and her teeth chattered so badly she could hardly push the song out. The last snippets of guitar faded from the room and the song was over. Marley and Unique kept their hold on Tina's arm, and Unique met her eyes.
"We done here?" Unique asked.
Tina whipped her wet cheeks. Her knees buckled, and she swayed before Marley grabbed her hard and held her up, and led her off the stage.
The club had been dark, empty but warm, and when they ventured outside the light hit her eyes like a flash momentarily blinding her. She felt like she was falling, and she wonder how much of her would be broken when she finally hit the ground.
Tina woke to the smell of burning cookies. She flew up eyes wide and frantically took inventory in her body. When she realized she was fine she flopped back onto the bed and covered her face with her hands.
The mummer of voices in the other room caught her attention as she curled to her side under Marley's comforter. She stretched and when her fingers bumped against something soft and slick she grabbed hold and pulled her scarf wrapped phone into the light.
She turned her phone on as the door opened and Marley and Unique walked in with a tray of cookies with burnt edges.
"You're awake!" Marley chirped. "We made you cookies"
"Marley made you cookies. I ate the dough," Unique corrected.
They crowded on the bed next to Tina, chewing together. Unsure of what to say.
"You going to check your messages?" Unique finally asked.
Tina did. Text after text from Kurt and Blaine and Brittany and Sam.
"When it all started he asked," Tina brushed her fingers over the screen. "He would ask, and it was fine. I could say no. I don't know what happened. The longer we were friends the more it was like I didn't have a choice. He'd need back-up or a costume and suddenly it was all I wanted to do. I loved it. I loved that someone wanted me to perform. It all got so messed up."
"Are you going to tell him?" Marley asked.
Tina sighed as she read the first message. "Do you think it even matters?"
Unique snorted. "How do you even explain this?"
"Kurt might understand," Tina said. "But he's still not going to react well to being-". She glanced at the line of texts and read the last one aloud. "Abandoned and betrayed in his hour of need."
Unique smiled. "You can always stay here until he cools off."
Tina pried a cookie off the sheet and nibbled at the burnt edges. "No, I have to go back to New York."
Outside the wind howled as though chastising her.
"It's my home too," she said, stubborn and a little unsure. "They're my friends too."
"I'm sure he'll understand," Marley said softly. "I'm sure everyone will."
"He probably will eventually." Tina paused to swallow. Her throat still raw from the actions of the day. "But if he doesn't..."
She didn't finish. Just flopped back onto the pillows head filled with the traditional punishments dealt out by irate deities.
Tina's Deity Break-Up Playlist (In Order Of Appearance)
"Jumping Bean" by Tracy Bonham.
/tracybonham/music/album/down-here-17452
"Control" by Poe
watch?v=g6kBZNToS5Y
"I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by Scissor Sisters watch?v=4H5I6y1Qvz0
"Take It All" From the musical Nine
watch?v=WLX-Ko7XMis
"Water Water" by Kris Delmhorst
watch?v=zHlGcOBRzXc
"Hurricane" by Panic! At The Disco
watch?v=fgW4w3OY1kM
"Tomorrow Will Be Kinder" by The Secret Sisters (From The Hunger Games)
watch?v=3rsD4orsMFw