Disclaimer: Not mine, no copyright intended
A/N: Written for Casy Dee's birthday, she prompted me with "I want some angst back story, Connor style. I want a secret to be uncovered, a confession, and pain, glorious pain... that ends happily." With thanks to iEvenstarEstel for her help.
Abby lay back on the bed and squirmed as the cold gel was spread over her stomach. Connor squeezed her hand reassuringly and then turned to the nurse.
"Is this your first?" the nurse said, switching on the monitor at the side of the bed.
Connor nodded. "We didn't plan on having a baby so soon after getting married, but you can't fight nature eh?"
The nurse smiled, then explained what the ultrasound entailed. Abby knew exactly what it entailed; ever since she'd found out she was pregnant, Connor had made it his mission to gather every single shred of information he could. She was torn between being grateful and being annoyed; with neither of them having family or friends outside the ARC, they were both going into this virtually clueless. Abby had never really known anyone that was pregnant, so had no idea if what she was experiencing was normal or not. Connor's knowledge from his hours of research on the internet had been useful so far, but she knew eventually she was going to have to tell him to shut up and listen to the doctors.
"I'll just move this around a little until I get a good clear image for you, and then I'll explain what you're looking at," the nurse said, flicking on the screen and placing the handheld scanner onto the slight swell of Abby's abdomen. "Here we go!"
Connor and Abby blinked at the screen, tears welling in their eyes. Neither could speak; the lumps in their throats wouldn't disappear. Connor squeezed her hand even harder and then he let out a happy sob. "Wow, that's our baby! Bloody hell, Abby. I actually did something right!"
"Yeah." Abby kissed his cheek. "You did."
"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" The nurse asked, moving the scanner a little and noting a few measurements.
"No. Connor and I discussed this already. We're just happy to be having a baby," Abby said quietly. She was fighting her tears, blinking at the slightly grainy image on the screen. The nurse was pointing out where the head was, it's arms and legs and a pulsing in the chest that was the heart. This was real; they were having a baby. All fears about whether she would be a good mother disappeared; the love she already felt for that life on the screen was stronger that any other emotion she'd experienced and she knew she'd not make the same mistakes her own mother had.
The nurse's expression had changed and she looked at Abby. "Can you excuse me a moment?"
Abby nodded and looked puzzled as the nurse moved over to the other side of the room and picked up the phone. Dread swept through her and she turned to Connor, panic also evident in his face. "There's something wrong with the baby!" she said.
Connor wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly on the lips. He couldn't speak. The joy at seeing his baby was turning to a real fear that it could be taken away from them. The nurse put the phone down and made her way back to the bed, and then a doctor appeared at the doorway. Something was horribly wrong.
"What is it?" Connor demanded to know. "We can take it."
"I'm Doctor Ravi, and I'm sorry if we've worried you. Everything's fine, Josie here asked me to just confirm something for her." He took the scanner and placed it back on Abby's abdomen, moving it around and peering very closely at the screen. After a few moments, he turned to them both. "Mr and Mrs Temple, if you look at this area here," he indicated a white area in the centre of the screen. "This is the baby's head, and this is the spine... we can see the arms and legs here and here...the heartbeat... and the size is pretty consistent with the date your doctor estimated, you're 12 and a half weeks on."
Connor nodded, but Abby sensed there was more. "But?" she said.
"No buts, Mrs Temple. If I just move the scanner a little this way, you can see there's the head and body of the second baby."
"Second baby?" Abby's mouth dropped open.
"Yes. Congratulations Mr and Mrs Temple! You're expecting twins." Doctor Ravi smiled. The relief was overwhelming, and Abby almost didn't hear what the doctor and nurse were saying. They talked about her needing extra scans to make sure both babies were growing at the same rate and so on. They handed her a bundle of leaflets and told them both to take their time and read them, and contact their own doctor if they had any questions or concerns.
"Can you tell if they're identical yet?" Abby asked. She was already picturing two identical sets of dimples and two pairs of brown, puppy dog eyes.
"A little early yet; a later scan will help identify if they're sharing a placenta or if they're two separate ones... but the best indicator would be your family history. Do either of you have twins in your families?" Doctor Ravi said.
Abby wrinkled her nose; the less said about her family the better. She couldn't recall any twins when she was growing up. "Not that I know of," she said. "What about your family, Connor?"
Connor had so far been unusually silent. Ever since the doctor had pointed out the second baby, he'd not said a word. Abby was slightly concerned at the expression on his face too; he'd been so happy earlier, grinning from ear to ear, but now his face was solemn.
"Connor, I asked if there are twins in your family?"
"No," he replied simply. Abby reached up to stroke his cheek and asked if he was OK; he brushed her hand away and looked incredibly uncomfortable. "We should get going; we were only supposed to be away from work for an hour." He was almost out of the door before Abby had even got off the bed, and didn't wait for the nurse to give him the two small folders containing their copies of the scan photos. She shook her head and thanked the doctor and nurse, taking the photos and sliding them into her bag.
-o-
The journey back to the ARC was in silence. This wasn't quite how she'd expected this to go; this morning, Connor couldn't wait to have the scan photos so that they could finally tell everyone. They'd planned to tell Lester first; as their boss he needed to know so that their leave could be arranged, but he was also the closest thing either had to a father and despite his protests to the contrary, Lester was fond of Connor and Abby. Now Connor was just sat staring out of the window at nothing in particular; a million miles away.
"It's OK to be a bit freaked out you know," Abby said eventually. "It's a huge thing to get your head around."
"Stop the car, Abby!" Connor said. "I want to get out."
"Pardon?"
"I said, I want to get out. Pull over just here." Abby did as he asked, and looked concerned as he opened the car door and got out. "I just need some time to myself."
"Connor, are you OK? We can forget going back to work if you need to talk."
"I don't need to talk!" Connor snapped back. "I just want to be on my own for a while. You go to the ARC and start telling people if you want. I'll be in later." He turned on his heels and almost ran along the pavement to get away from the car. Staring after him in disbelief, Abby blinked away tears.
-o-
Abby shut herself away in the small office at the side of the menagerie. She'd expected to be in Lester's office by now with Connor, and then preparing to share their wonderful news with the rest of the team; not sitting here alone and wondering what the hell was going on. She tried to busy herself; reading the notes left by the overnight security guy that kept an eye on the creatures for her, but after a few minutes she felt like she was being watched. Glancing up, she saw Matt, Emily, Becker and Jess stood in the doorway.
"So?" Jess said, an anxious smile on her face.
"So, what?" Abby replied.
"Oh come on, Abby! We all know where you've been this morning." Jess laughed. "You are pregnant, aren't you?"
Abby sighed. "No secrets around here then, and yes, Connor and I are expecting in February; twins in fact."
Jess practically squealed and ran over to hug Abby, almost crushing her.
"See, Becker! I was right!" Matt said. "Congratulations, Abby. We kind of guessed from the way Connor's been treating you as if you were made of glass these last few weeks – and the fact you keep disappearing off to the ladies to be sick!"
"Twins?" Becker said. "That's pretty amazing, you and Connor must be pretty excited? Where is Connor?"
Abby felt her heart sink, and Jess spotted the change in Abby's demeanour straight away. "Abby? Is everything OK?"
"Connor's a bit freaked out by the news, I think." she shook her head. "He went off; said he needed to be on his own."
"I think I'd be pretty freaked out too," Matt said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Give him a bit of time and space to get his head together and he'll be fine. Try not to worry."
But Abby did worry; she worried all day when he didn't turn up at the ARC, she worried when she got home and there was no sign of him, and she worried into the night when he didn't answer his phone. She'd called Matt and Becker in case he'd turned up at one of their flats, then tried Jess and Lester – no-one had seen him at all. Next she phoned the local police and the casualty department at the hospital, convinced he'd been hurt and would be sitting waiting for someone to come and get him. All drew blanks.
She watched every single hour pass on the clock; her mobile phone next to her on the pillow and her hand clutching at the empty space in the bed usually filled by Connor. Why was he doing this? It should be the happiest time of their lives – didn't he want to be a father; was that it? Now he'd seen the reality on the screen, had impending fatherhood finally hit him properly and he couldn't handle it?
The morning didn't bring him home either, and Abby couldn't contain her tears any longer. She'd lost count of the voicemail messages she'd left for him and she sat staring at the phone, willing it to ring or at least beep with a text message from Connor saying he was OK.
Somehow, she managed to get herself to the ARC. On the way she'd driven slowly, looking for him walking in the street where she'd left him yesterday morning. Then she expected to find him at the ARC waiting for her when she arrived. Instead, she met with a concerned looking Jess, Emily, Matt, Becker and Lester.
"No word from him at all?" Matt said. Abby just shook her head and let out an anguished sob. Emily's arms were around her straight away and she was ordering Becker to go and make a good strong cup of tea. Jess turned to her computer and began searching footage from various CCTV cameras she had hacked into around the locality in the hope she'd see Connor on one of them. Matt too was searching computer records.
"Jess, can anyone else access the ARC using Connor's bio-tag?" Matt asked.
"No, if someone else is wearing his tag it won't work. The security system checks the data on the tag with the actual person wearing it. Why?"
"Connor used his to gain entry into the ARC just after 11.30 last night, and as far as I can see he hasn't left."
Abby wiped her face. "He's still here? But where?"
"If he'd accessed any of the offices, it would show on the security log wouldn't it?" Becker said, looking at Jess and Matt.
"Yes, except one. The Prospero lab." Matt said. "That's where he'll be."
Abby moved to go to the lift that would take her up to the lab Connor used to use when he worked for Burton, but Lester stopped her.
"Why don't you let me speak to him?" he said softly. "As the only person here that has actually experienced what its like to become a father, I'm probably the best qualified to deal with this. I have an idea how he's feeling right now; maybe I can get through to him."
Abby nodded gratefully; it made sense. It was obvious something was seriously bothering Connor and he needed the reassurance of someone with experience now. They all watched Lester walk across the main room and hoped if anyone could get through to Connor, it would be Lester.
-o-
It was just as he suspected; Connor was sat at the desk leaning on his elbows. From the dark circles under his eyes and the fact his clothing was creased, Lester deduced that Connor had attempted to sleep here rather than go home. It took him back to a time not long before Connor and Abby had been stranded in the past; back then he'd taken Connor under his wing and offered him a home when he'd found him sleeping in the ARC. He'd felt a fatherly concern for him then, just as he did now.
"Connor, we need to talk." Lester said, standing in the doorway. "Can I come in?"
Connor nodded silently, and Lester came in and sat on the spare stool opposite Connor. Connor stifled a yawn and blinked at him. "What can I do for you?"
"I hear congratulations are in order."
"Abby told you?"
Lester nodded. "She also told me that you didn't go home last night." Connor felt his face burn with embarrassment. "She's worried about you; she thinks you don't want to be a father."
"That's not it!" Connor said angrily. "It's just... it's personal!"
"When my wife first found out she was pregnant with our first child, I freaked out too. Disappeared for 15 hours; I just walked and walked and ended up 20 miles away. Charlotte was frantic; she was convinced I'd been in an accident." Lester paused and held Connor's gaze. He had his attention. "Becoming a father is a huge deal, and I can completely sympathise with you."
"With respect," Connor spat. "You haven't got a clue what I'm going through."
"Try me," Lester said. "We've been through three pregnancies and a miscarriage; pretty much every emotion you can imagine."
"Did she tell you it's twins?"
Lester nodded. "I must admit that I don't know much about twins, but there will be plenty of people who do and will be able to support the pair of you with..."
"Oh, I know all about twins, Lester." Connor's face twisted as he fought his emotions. "I was one."
"Was?" Lester's felt a lump in his throat.
"My brother Callum died when we were 14." Connor sniffed and looked away.
"I'm so sorry, Connor." Lester closed his eyes. It made sense now why Connor was freaking out. "Abby carrying twins must have brought back some very painful memories for you."
"I killed him."
Lester's mouth fell open and then he composed himself, "Don't be ridiculous, Connor! Something like that would be on your records and believe me, I've been through everyone's with a fine-toothed comb."
"I was never charged over it, but it was all my fault. If I hadn't been so bloody stupid!" He slammed his fist down on the desk and then bit down on his bottom lip, fighting back the tears threatening to flow from his eyes. He was not going to cry in front of Lester.
"Does Abby know this?" Connor shook his head. "Connor, she needs to know."
"She'll hate me; just like all my family do."
"You have to tell her. She's your wife; she loves you and her worrying about you is not good for her health or the health of your babies. Do you want to be responsible for something happening to them too?" Lester touched Connor's shoulder and the two men shared a moment of understanding. Connor nodded and Lester smiled. "I'll go and tell her you're ready to talk shall I?"
Connor nodded again, and as he watched Lester leave he prepared himself to tell Abby something that could end their marriage before it had barely started.
-o-
Abby sat facing Connor; struggling with a roller coaster of emotions. She was angry with him for making her worry so much; worried about what could possibly be wrong and scared he had changed his mind about them having a family. Lester had told her not to be too hard on him, "He's dealing with some pretty difficult memories right now. He needs you to listen and be as understanding as possible." She'd been there almost five minutes and he hadn't even looked up yet; his face was buried in his hands.
Eventually, she leaned over the desk and stroked the back of his hand. He looked up; tears staining his cheeks. "Connor, what is it? Lester said you were ready to talk."
He took a deep breath and looked her straight in the eye. "I don't want to lose you Abby, but after what I'm about to tell you I won't blame you if you want to get a divorce."
"What? Connor, that's crazy! I love you, and whatever it is; we can deal with it together." She took his hand and placed it on her stomach. "And these two need you as well. The four of us together can get through anything, right?"
Connor closed his eyes; he had to cherish this moment because he firmly believed it would be the last time Abby would want to be this close to him. "I had a twin brother... Callum."
Abby stared at him. "Why have you never told me before?"
"Because I was ashamed of what I did to him; what I did to my family." He leaned back and turned away, but Abby placed her hand on his cheek and forced him to look at her. "You really want to know?"
"Whatever you did, it won't change anything between us. I promise you. I just need to know so that we can deal with it rationally." She moved back and waited for Connor to open up. She'd told him so much about herself whilst they were in the Cretaceous; things she'd never told anyone else, and assumed that Connor had told her everything too.
"Callum and I were identical twins; we had the same thoughts, the same interests, the same everything. We did everything together and lived up to all the twins stereotypes – playing tricks on the teachers, stuff like that." Connor smiled weakly at the memory. "We had our differences too of course; Callum was always more confident than I was and I tended to hide behind him a lot."
"Sounds wonderful," Abby said softly, stroking her stomach. The image she'd had earlier of two pairs of puppy dog eyes grew stronger. "But it all changed?"
"After our dad died, we both went off the rails a bit. Mum struggled to cope with two teenage boys and we walked all over her; taking advantage of the fact she was still grieving. We got into a bit of trouble; nothing serious really, a bit of graffiti, fighting, smashing stuff up... then Callum got into shoplifting." Connor could hear his voice changing; the words straining to come out. He'd never spoken of this to anyone else, and piecing together the events that led up to Callum's death were painful.
"Take your time, Connor," Abby said.
"I got jealous of him," Connor continued. "He was a bit of a hero at school; centre of attention and had girls practically begging him to go out with them. It was like I was invisible and I hated him. Then one afternoon, I found him playing football in the park with his mates. His rucksack was at the edge of the pitch, so I stole it. I thought I was clever; hiding his rucksack full of the stuff he'd nicked from the shops earlier – he wouldn't be such a big hero then would he? I hid it behind some bins at the cricket pavilion and then went off to find my mates."
"Half an hour later, one of Callum's mates came running up to me. He was yelling and screaming, frantic about something. He said Callum was having an asthma attack and they couldn't find his inhaler. We both had asthma, but whilst I'd pretty much grown out of mine and didn't need regular medication, Callum still had bad attacks and he'd been hospitalised a couple of times. I knew where his inhaler was; it was in his rucksack that I'd hidden, so I ran to go and get it – but the bins had been emptied and the bag was gone."
Abby nodded. She was starting to understand what had happened. Connor was sobbing now, and she got off her stool to go around to his side and hold him, but he pushed her away.
"If we'd had mobile phones back then, we could have got the ambulance to him so much quicker." Connor choked on his words, tears streaming down his cheeks. "They kept him on life support for ten days, but his brain had been starved of oxygen for too long." He finally broke down and allowed Abby to wrap her arms around him.
-o-
He had cried non-stop for almost half an hour, clinging to Abby so hard she thought she would be left with bruises; but she didn't care. Connor had carried the blame for his brother's death for all these years and had clearly never had any kind of counselling. She stroked his thick, unruly hair and gently rocked him; allowing his tears to fall. In her head, she was trying to work out what to say to him – yes, his actions had led to his brother's death but he didn't actually kill him; nor had he set out to kill him when he hid that rucksack.
"It was a schoolboy prank that went wrong," she said out loud. Connor looked up, squinting through his sore, red eyes. "You can't spend the rest of your life letting this eat you up inside."
"But it was all my fault, Abby! That's what everyone said when they found out what I'd done. Callum's friends all hated me; they would wait for me after school and beat me up and I just let them because I deserved it. Mum could barely bring herself to even speak to me most days; I'd just disappear up to my room, do my homework and then lose myself in dinosaurs, Science Fiction and computers. She'd make my dinner, iron my shirt for school and tell me to turn the light off when she went up to bed, but that was all. We were just two people who happened to live in the same house for two whole years."
Abby blinked; so that explained why none of Connor's family came to the wedding. He'd always said his mum was ill and lived in a nursing home and she'd had no reason to not believe that; although she did find it odd that he never visited her. Abby knew the rest of the story; Connor had moved out of home when he was 16 and supported himself through his A-Levels by working in the local computer games shop in the evenings and weekends. It was that that had made her realise just how much she and Connor had in common; she'd done exactly the same.
Connor was wiping his face and trying to compose himself. "You're not angry with me?"
"The only thing I'm angry about is you not telling me all this before! It was an unfortunate incident, that's all. If your mum has continued to blame you all this time then that's wrong, but it doesn't change anything between us. Here and now is what matters, Connor. Us and our babies." She took his hand and placed it over her stomach again. "And you'll be the best one equipped to deal with twins and make sure these two don't make the same mistake you did."
"I'm sorry I worried you," Connor said, pulling her into his arms. "There's no way I'm going to let our boys do what I did."
"Oh, they're boys are they?" Abby teased. "Did you see something on that scan that I didn't?"
"No, I just have this feeling." He smiled and kissed the tip of Abby's nose.
Abby sighed, then took a deep breath. "Does your mum even know she has a daughter-in-law? Or that she's going to be a grandmother?"
Connor shook his head. "It doesn't matter. She made it clear what she thought of me; as far as she's concerned, she lost both of her sons that day. Like you said, here and now is what is important."
"But maybe something like this could bring you back together? It's been, what... 13 years since Callum died? Isn't it time you both..."
"Drop it, Abby," Connor said. "The past is the past; and now it's all out in the open I just want to put it behind me and get on with my life."
Abby nodded; she understood – but something inside her was telling her not to drop it. She was about to become a mother herself, and she thought that she would want to know something as important as her son getting married and having a baby. She had to do something.
-o-
Connor stood back and admired his handy work. Painting and decorating wasn't usually his thing, but since Abby had suggested turning the spare room into a nursery sooner rather than later he'd got quite engrossed. Abby had a nice pregnant glow about her now; she'd passed the feeling sick stage and looked positively beautiful. Right now, she was out shopping for an outfit for Jess's birthday party – something that didn't make her look 'fat', so Connor had taken advantage of a quiet couple of hours to paint the walls of the nursery.
The doorbell rang and Connor almost thought about ignoring it; he was in his scruffs and covered in paint, but it rang again and he called out, "Won't be a minute, hang on!"
Wiping his hands on his jeans, he opened the door and his mouth fell open. She looked a little older than he remembered, maybe gained a few pounds, but he recognised her straight away. "Mum?"
"Oh, Connor! You look just like your father!" Mrs Temple smiled. "Is it OK if I come in?"
Connor nodded, puzzled and terrified. Why was she here? How had she found him? She sniffed the air and smiled, "You're painting? Getting ready for the twins?"
"How did you know?" Connor snapped.
"Abby. She called me a couple of weeks ago to introduce herself and we've spoken a few times since. Have to say it was a bit of a surprise; finding out my son had got married and that I'm going to be a grandmother."
"Abby had no right to..." Connor felt his blood boil.
"Don't be angry with her, Connor. She has every right – she loves you and wants her children to have the best."
"They will; we don't need you in our lives. I've lived with the guilt for too long and now I'm trying to move on." Connor blinked and stared angrily at his mum.
"You're not the only one that's felt guilty, Connor. Abby told me that you think I blame you for Callum's death – you're so wrong. I blame myself." She blinked her own tears. "Can we talk? Properly?"
Connor nodded. "Only if you help me finish that last wall," he laughed. "I promised Abby it would be done by the time she got home."
"Sounds good, except I'm in my good clothes."
Connor found her one of his old t-shirts and a few minutes later, the pair of them were stood side by side painting the wall opposite the window in the new nursery. Neither spoke; each just wanting to focus on the task whilst they tried to think what to say. It was Mrs Temple that finally spoke; continuing to paint as she did so.
"When it first happened, I was angry at Callum. I couldn't believe that he'd be so stupid as to play football and not have his inhaler with him. Then you confessed that you'd hidden his bag, and I was angry with you. But after that, I was just angry at myself for letting things get so out of hand."
"What do you mean?" Connor asked.
"After your father died, I watched my two, lovely, innocent little boys suddenly change. They had to grow up, and I saw them drift apart and slowly become enemies. I should have put a stop to it there and then; if I'd been a good mother... none of it would have happened." She paused and stepped back, wrinkling her nose as she tried to decide if she'd painted evenly or not.
"You were grieving for dad," Connor said. "Callum and I just stayed out of your way and dealt with our own grief."
"But I should have been there for both of you. Yes, I was hurting; but so were you and Callum and you needed me. Perhaps if I had been there, Callum would still be with us."
"It wasn't your fault, mum."
"It wasn't yours either."
There was an almost stunned silence. Connor couldn't quite believe what he had heard; all this time he'd thought she blamed him and hated him, when all the time she'd blamed herself. He felt his bottom lip tremble; he was going to cry and all he wanted was a hug. At almost the same moment, his mum moved forward and folded her arms around him. He returned the hug; almost crushing her and over 13 years of missed love flowed between them. It was a hug neither wanted to break, and they wouldn't have if it wasn't for the sound of the front door opening and closing and a familiar voice calling.
"Conn? I'm home. Where are you?"
"The nursery," Connor called back, grinning at his mum.
Abby's voice grew louder. "I know we said we'd buy baby stuff together, but I saw the most adorable..." she stopped in the doorway, greeted by almost identical smiles. Mother and son, grinning at her. "You came."
"You must be Abby? Look at you! You're blooming!" Mrs Temple held out her arm for Abby to join them, and then pulled her into the embrace with them. She whispered 'thank you' into Abby's ear and then broke apart from them. She wiped her damp cheeks and grinned happily. "You are such a lovely couple!"
"Mum!" Connor felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment, but smiled back at her. He'd missed her so much; longed to be loved by her again, and now he had her back thanks to Abby. He slipped his hand into Abby's and stroked it; gazing into her sparkling eyes. Right now, he thought he loved her more than he had ever done; if that was possible.
"I'm sorry I went behind your back," Abby was saying. "I just wanted our children to have something I never had when I was growing up."
"I'm glad you did," Connor said softly.
"So am I. Now, let's all go and get cleaned up and I'm going to take you both out for dinner. We have 13 years to catch up on! I want to hear all about how you two met and everything!" Mrs Temple was looking around for the rag to wipe her hands on.
Abby laughed and looked at Connor. This was going to be a very long evening.