Authors Note The things that are written in this story are the views that Auron would most likely hold, and are not necessarily the same as mine. I don't own Final Fantasy X or any of the others. The characters aren't mine either, nor will they ever be. I don't feel like being sued, so please take note of that. Anyway, on with the story!
Greetings From The Farplane
By: Angel Wings-008
Hello everyone. Fans, writers, whoever happens to be reading this. Surely you haven't forgotten me. Mr. Badass stoic dead guy. Ringing any bells? You all probably remember me as steady and calm, always able to keep a level head and keep his mouth shut, but nevertheless didn't take crap from anyone. Well, quite frankly, I'm damn tired of keeping my mouth shut. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show because I'm about to say so much in one sitting you'll wonder if it's really me.
I know I have a lot of fans. I 'd better after all I've been through, but lets be reasonable here. Some of you have gotten a little carried away with the fanfics! Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have people interested, however I have to wonder what the holy hell some of you were thinking when you wrote them. It's not just you, don't worry. I have some issues to work out with our good friends at SquareEnix as well, whom I must admit I can't help but loath at times…
So I daresay I must whine and complain my dead, corpselike ass off about the great injustices that have been piled on top of me. I suppose I should have gotten around to this sooner but it's kind of hard to get your thoughts together when you've got Jecht singing karaoke tunes at the top of his lungs, and Braska making out with his wife on the couch next to you. And, ok, I might have been a bit drunk. What can I say? It's been one huge party here. Who knew being dead was so much better than life? Anyway, that's definitely a story for another time…
Getting back on track, I've been to busy goofing off to sit down long enough to do this. I guess being so serious and stoic in life is catching up with me. Or maybe it's all Jecht's fault. Somehow it's easier and so much more fun to blame him.
I suppose I could have done something briefer than this but somehow I don't think a postcard would have had the same effect. Oh well. If I'm going to rant, it might as well be about my issues, since I never did work it out in therapy. I guess I'll start things from Final Fantasy X. Here it goes.
What were they thinking?
You know I had to start with this one. My death. Of course Braska died after summoning the final Aeon, and Jecht, I guess you could say, died than too. It makes perfect sense that I should perish soon after them due to the fact that my loyalty and honor will not allow me to do otherwise. It shows that we are bound together by friendship and fate. I understand why I had to die. But did it really have to be Yunalesca?There I was, ex-warrior monk, deprived of any pleasant female attention, having gone on a journey to stop Sin where I watched both of my best friends die, and then having to find a way to get to some fake dream city to baby-sit Jecht's son. As if that wasn't bad enough, you have me killed by some 1000-year-old, hooker-esc, dead bitch? Is that some kind of a sick joke? An extra slap in the face? I'd encountered things that would make your worst nightmares pale in comparison, fiend that were 10,000 times my size,and I encountered Sin. And what happens? A completely pointless death surrounded by zombies, decaying flesh, and Yunalesca! Hell, it took me a minute to realize she was actually wearing anything at all! She might as well have been naked for all the good that did her.
I've thought about it, and there really was no point in dying by her hand. Except maybe my finding out that Sin always comes back, but did I really have to know that too? Hadn't you piled enough on my shoulders? It's not like I ever shared that bit of important information with Yuna and the others at story time. But anyway, couldn't Jecht have just killed me along with Braska, so in a way I would be dying at the same time as both of them? It would have been much more symbolic that way, don't you think? Certainly would have saved me a little more pain, and everyone's child still would have been taken care of, so what's the big deal? Of course, then you never would have seen that dramatic little speech I made before she kicked my ass, but it really wasn't that important.
Come on…
Speaking of kicking my ass, apparently she kicked it all the way down Mt. Gagazet, because there is no way I could have dragged myself all the way down there, outside of Bevelle, if I was that close to death, I don't care how badass I was. It's just not possible. I guess you were determined to drag on my pain for as long as possible. You could have at least tried to make it seem realistic. It is a video game, so I guess it doesn't matter that much but it still pisses me off. Yes, some things actually do piss me off. Surprise, surprise….
A Real God?
That brings me to my next point. You did include a God in FFX. No, I'm not talking about Yevon, and if you don't know why, then what are you doing here? Let's describe Gods, shall we? They are mighty and powerful, right? They direct those that have lost their way and seem to know everything, right? Lets just face it, I am the God of Final Fantasy X. Seriously, I know I probably sound like an arrogant jerk, but think about it. I was always telling everyone what we should do, and I seemed to know everything that was going to happen before it happened. Occasionally I would give out random words of wisdom, and the people loved me as much as they would love a God. Everyone prancing around calling me "Sir Auron," and mentally placing me on top of some pedestal in their simple little minds. Especially that one loser Guardian of Dona's, whatever his name was.
You people have pretty much made me a God, and I do appreciate it, but were you not paying attention when you created my character, then put me in that position? Do I strike you as the type who wants to be a God? Or to put it in better words, did you create me to be that kind of person? I don't, and you didn't, to answer both questions. Of all people, you of SquareEnix should know that. If I really wanted that kind of power I could have just become a Maester. Thanks a lot for trying to give me a God complex. I thought that was Sephiroth's job, but maybe you decided to switch it up a little. I don't even want to know. You did kind of throw me a bone though, in a half-assed sort of way. I suppose it's better than nothing.
Games, Games…
At least there's no card game in this one. I have to give you credit for that. Blitzball isn't all that great either, but at least its fun to watch, and anything is an improvement over a boring game of cards in the middle of a crisis. Congrats on getting that straight.
I think that about wraps up my game issues. There really isn't all that much wrong with it, besides how grossly unfair my life, and death was. I'll get over it. Here's where you guys come in. The fanfics. Oh, the fanfics…Where should I start?
Sexual Escapades
I suppose now is as good a time as any to talk about the big one. My sexuality. According to some…shall we say…imaginative…writers, my favorite pastime is to hop into bed with various male companions. Do I even need to say it? That is grossly untrue. I have nothing against those who do, but please leave me out of it. Granted, I haven't been laid in longer than I care to admit, but I still very much enjoy the company of a female. And I have no wish to stereotype, but do I really look it? On sight, would you think me the kind of guy who would do highly X-rated things to my best friend's underage child, who also happens to be a guy? Come on now people, isn't that stretching it a little? I don't think that's what Jecht meant by "take care of him."
You're kidding, right?
Sadly, that isn't even the worst of it. I'm disgusted just saying this but apparently some of you writers out there like to think that Jecht, Braska, and I were not just fighting Sin and gathering Aeons on that journey, if you catch my meaning. I didn't want to have to spell it out for you, but here it is. I guess they figured we had to occupy each other in some way, and they came up with the disgusting notion of this very strange gay threesome. I don't know if that's insanely imaginative or just plain sick. Never happened. Sorry to disappoint you.
Here We Go Again…
There's also the whole idea that Jecht and I were more than just friends. After talking about things like this, I'm sure you know what I mean. I probably don't even need to say it but I will anyway. No, no, and finally, no. And I though Spira was filled disturbed souls. Great job planet earth, I believed you've just topped Spira by a landslide. Hope you're proud of yourselves. I'm probably crushing the dreams of many writers, but sorry people, I just don't swing that way. I am not gay. Maybe you can try for Wakka though…I thought I caught him staring at my ass several times before. Maybe the wife and child thing is just a cover up. You never know.
Finally!
Some of you were merciful and gave me a female counterpart. A favorite seems to be pairing me up with Rikku, and though it would be barely past calling me a pedophile for being with her, it's better than nothing. At least she's a member of the female part of the races. I've realized it could be much worse. However, I much prefer the idea of being with Lulu, for a number of reasons. She's a lot like me actually, in terms of personality. She's almost as stoic as I am, and we are usually the one's with the most control. She has a bit more of a temper than I do, though. She scares even me when she's pissed off about something. And lets face it, she literally has bigger boobs than any other living creature in Spira. I'm not even exaggerating. She could poke someone's eye out with those things.
Life After Death
There have been some fanfiction that involves me getting a second chance at life. First of all, I want to say that I love you all for doing that (yes you, screaming fan girl). But, I am dead. And I like it just fine that way. Sure life was pretty decent at times, and it was alright while it lasted but I'm not so sure I'd want to return to the world of the living. I know after reading this it doesn't seem like it, but it really is rather peaceful here. The fact is, I've never been so happy before in my life, or death, or afterlife, whatever you want to call it. "This is your world now." I said that for a reason. Thanks a lot for caring, I mean that. But if you love me, you'll let me go. Wow, that was corny, but that's just the way it is. You'll be in my thoughts.
I think I'm finished venting now. Not that this hasn't been barrels of fun, but I really must get back to my blissful existence here on the Farplane. I have to go smash a certain ex-Guardians karaoke machine before I go completely insane. He really should have stuck to the Hymn of the Fayth. Other than that, singing really isn't his forte. I'll be in touch. Or maybe I won't. You'll just have to wait and see. Farewell to you all.
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So, how'd I do on my first attempt at a humor fic? Reviews are much appreciated! Thanks!