A one shot based on an idea that wouldn't go away. C: Random piece of info, I'm writing this at 2:17am. Bizarre things may ensue. You have been warned.
If I owned Naruto, Akatsuki would have their own spin-off show.
Pet Hates
As soon as the Akatsuki pair had wandered into their room at the B&B, soaked to the skin from the less than pleasant weather, Hidan fell heavily onto the top mattress of the bunk beds, sighing loudly. His partner, Kakuzu, gave him a quick glare and sat with a lot more composure than the immortal asshole on his bed for the night, the lower of the bunks.
There was a good reason that the two no longer fought over who slept where while they were on missions. If Kakuzu happened to take the top bunk, Hidan would complain, rock the bedposts, kick the wire mesh above him and do everything else his childlike temperament would allow until Kakuzu consented to let him sleep on the top bunk. Kakuzu would normally agree to this set-up within a few minutes, not just because it shut the idiot up, but also presented him with an ideal chance for revenge. His feet now had access to the bottom of Hidan's mattress, and whenever the immortal got particularly irritating, a well aimed kick would send him hurtling across the room.
This arrangement had been put into place so many times, that it was built into their routine, and neither thought anything of it.
This night, however, fate was determined to show them that sleeping in the same room could not work when both occupants hated each other's guts.
It had been a very long and exhausting day. Though already on a mission from Akatsuki, Kakuzu had taken the opportunity to indulge in his other job, much to Hidan's chagrin. He'd heard tell of a 60,000 ryou bounty lying low in the village hidden in the mist, which just happened to be where the Jinchuuriki they were tracking was. Unfortunately, the bounty was trickier than expected to catch, and after several hours of vainly chasing it, angry and sore, they had given up.
Wordlessly, Kakuzu lay down and tried to forget their latest misadventure. Throwing the sheets over his head, he prayed that oblivion would come soon. Dimly he heard Hidan tossing and turning above him, springs creaking noisily. Frowning, he buried his head further into the pillow. A couple of seconds of silent bliss, and he relaxed.
Krick.
Kakuzu's eyes shot open. What in the world…? He froze, alert for a few moments, trying to catch it again.
Krick.
A shiver ran down his spine. That noise! He lifted his head slightly, and squinted into the darkness. Nothing. Turning, he tried not to think about it.
Krick, krick.
This time, Kakuzu sat up, glaring at the mattress above him.
"Hidan, what are you doing?" he hissed.
Krick.
Kakuzu kicked the mattress.
"Hidan!"
The bunk shook slightly as the younger man threw his head over the side.
"What the hell's your problem, Kakuzu? Thought you were asleep?"
Kakuzu grunted.
"How can I when you're making that stupid noise!"
Hidan arched an eyebrow. Kakuzu didn't drop his glare.
"What, this sound?"
He cracked his fingers. Krick. Kakuzu winced.
"…Stop that."
Hidan looked unfazed.
"What, you don't like that sound? Pussy."
He rolled away.
"I can crack my toes too."
Kakuzu didn't like the sadistic tone of Hidan's voice. Sure enough, it was soon followed by a volley of cracking joints. Kakuzu pressed his hands to his ears.
"Hidan, I swear if you don't stop I will kill you."
The noises stopped, but Kakuzu could have sworn he heard a snigger. He waited for a while, but when no other unpleasant sounds met his ears, he relaxed into the cheap motel mattress again.
Sleep, wonderful, sweet deadening sleep was so close, so tantalisingly close he could almost grasp it when-
Krick!
Kakuzu jerked awake, to see Hidan's foot, inches away from his face. Angrily, he whacked it away, almost sending the immortal off the bunk. The silence was destroyed by Hidan's raucous laughter, and Kakuzu's audible fuming.
"Where're all your threats now, Kakuzu-chan?"
Hidan was evidently rejoicing in this new way to make Kakuzu's life a living hell. In answer to his partner's jab at his dignity, Kakuzu placed both feet firmly on Hidan's mattress and pushed with all his might. Hidan's laughter was momentarily cut off as he clung to the bedposts in his effort not to fall off. Kakuzu cursed inaudibly. Hidan had gotten wise to the mattress ploy, he need a different approach. Kakuzu sat back, racking his brains for anything that Hidan had said or did that betrayed a particular phobia of his own. He held his head in his hands, skin rubbing gently off his many stitches, He opened an eye to gaze at his hand. Perfect.
Krick.
Kakuzu fruitlessly tried to suppress the shiver of disgust. And not a moment too soon. Hidan was still laughing at him, satisfied as long as his pranks got a response. Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, and the threads in his right arm loosened.
He sent them up by the wall, eyes ever on the mattress, waiting for a sign.
"Aaaah! Fucking-!"
Kakuzu could help but smile in triumph. The bunk rocked dangerously as the top occupant jumped away from his threads. As Kakuzu was preparing for another assault, Hidan's outraged visage appeared over the side again.
"If you fucking go near me with those things again-!"
Kakuzu met his furious gaze evenly.
"That's strange, they've never bothered you during the day."
Hidan pointed an accusing finger at him.
"You KNOW I fucking HATE being tickled!"
Kakuzu frowned.
"And you know just as well I hate that sound."
Hidan huffed.
"So it's a war you want, is it?"
He rolled away.
"Go ahead asshole, make my day!"
Kakuzu groaned. That wasn't how it was supposed to end. But sure enough-
Krick! Krick!
Kakuzu needed no further goading, and the battle began. Threads flew, and Hidan danced around the room cracking every bone he could think of. Within minutes, the bunk toppled, and the fight took over the entire room. All notion of sleep forgotten, they continuously fought for the upper hand, knocking over the rest of the furniture, doing as much damage as they could with their chosen weapons of annoyance, whiling away the hours.
Hidan paused in the middle of fending off a fresh attack.
"Hey Kakuzu-"
Kakuzu looked up. Hidan jerked his neck violently to the side. Krick! Kakuzu seized the opportunity to tickle under Hidan's arms. He cried out in humiliation and leapt away. Kakuzu ran after him, just in time to see Hidan jump off the wardrobe and onto his toes, almost breaking them. Krick! The sound was like a gunshot through Kakuzu's head. He dived at Hidan, threads waving wildly and pinned him tightly against the wardrobe. Kakuzu smiled evilly as the blood drained from Hidan's face.
"No- get the fuck away from me-Kakuzu!!!"
"I win, Hidan."
A small gasp made them turn their heads in unison. A maid had come in with fresh towels and a clothes bin, which she promptly dropped upon seeing two half naked grown men shoved up against the furniture. They paled, acutely aware of their proximity.
"I-I'm sorry- I didn't see anything!"
.. .. ..
That's as close to KakuHida as I'll go. And it's now 4:00 am. Oh dear. Review if you like what happens when I write when sleep deprived.