Bowser Claws is Comin' to Town
The annual Toad Town Christmas party is underway, so, naturally, Bowser comes to spoil the fun.
By The Purple Wind
Mario, Luigi, and Peach were all standing in the center of the Toad Town Square, enjoying glasses of Mushnog as snow gently fell to the ground. This stuff tastes better and better every year! Mario thought, tossing back the last of the thick, creamy, pale red drink. Towering over them was a 200-foot tall Christmas tree, cut fresh from the Forever Forest. It took the citizens two weeks to string up all the lights and ornaments, but it would all be worth it when the tree was turned on in about thirty minutes' time. When that happened, as tradition dictated, the gift giving would occur. In the castle, thousands of gifts that the residents of Toad Town planned to give to each other were locked up in a vault, not to be opened until the tree was turned on.
This cache of goodies was a perfect target for Wario, the Mario Bros.' money-hungry cousin. The yellow-and-purple clad vulgarian, who was both very fat and very strong, was prowling the castle grounds, attempting to find a way into the vault. Wario, who had never done an honest day's work in his life, was almost drowning in riches. He had amassed his fortune through both his video game company, WarioWare, Inc., and his continual robberies of the Black Sugar Pirates. Although he had more money than the entire Mushroom Kingdom Treasury, Wario was never satisfied. After all, why settle for less? Why be content with huge amounts when you could have it all? Besides, isn't unchecked greed the true meaning of Christmas?
"Alright, folks, it's time to turn on the tree!" Peach yelled into a microphone. She was elevated up to the very top of the tree by a huge crane. Wario scowled at this announcement. Once the tree was lit, it wouldn't be long before the presents would be distributed. He was running out of time. At the top of the tree, Peach began to speak again,
"Ready, everyone? On three! One…two…three!"
"STAR SPIRITS, LIGHT IT UP!" As the people in the square below bellowed this customary calling, the Star Spirits, Plit's resident kindly deities, appeared above the tree. Eldstar, Mamar, Skolar, Muskular, Misstar, Klevar, and Kalmar all smiled warmly at the townsfolk below, shining brilliantly in the night sky. When they appeared, the crowd clapped and cheered. Luigi's distinctive voice could be heard among the applause,
"Whooh! Yippee! Star Spirits! Luigi! Yeah!"
Eldstar, grinning broadly underneath his thick gray mustache, settled himself at the tree's apex. As he did so, the other six Star Spirits formed a ring around him, channeling their energy into the tree. The thousands of multicolored lights blinked on, twinkling and reflecting on the ornaments. Iridescent Mushroom and Yoshi Egg ornaments reflected the light so dazzlingly that even Wario was taken aback. H-e considered stealing the shiny ornaments, but decided that those presents would likely be more valuable. When the cheering died down, Peach once again resumed he speech.
"Another Christmas, which means that we have all survived another year. And what a year it was! I am so honored to be here right now, performing this most spectacular ceremony with you.
"But, I'd hate to delay everyone's - or at least my - favorite part: the opening of the gifts! So allow me to wrap this up - no pun intended." The crowd chuckled appreciatively. "Here's to another wonderful year!"
With that, a final explosion of applause erupted and several carts filled with thousands of presents were wheeled out into the town square. Those who had volunteered to distribute the gifts began handing out the boxes to the people who originally wrapped them so that they could deliver them to the intended recipients in person. A Toad handed Luigi a small box wrapped with red-and-green fireball paper.
"Thanks. Hey Mario, let's find Wario! Won't he be happy when he sees what we got him!" Mario laughed as the two brothers plowed through the crowd in search of their obese cousin. Finding him eyeing the passing caravan of gifts, Luigi handed Wario his present. Wario's face lit up with delight as he snatched the box from Luigi's hands.
"Remember, Wario," said Mario, "When Captain Syrup stole that moneybag from you?"
"Grrrrr!" Wario growled. Less than a year ago, he had worked his butt off to save the Shake Dimension and their stupid queen so that he could get his hands on the greatest of all treasures: the Bottomless Coin Sack. After beating up a bunch of bad guys and stealing a ton of treasure, he finally got his hands on the sack, only to have it stolen from under his nose by the leader of the Black Sugar Pirates.
"Well," Mario continued, "Luigi and I figured that for once in your life, you did a good deed. Even if your motives were…uh…less than charitable, you did the right thing by saving Queen Merelda, and you earned that treasure. It wasn't really fair of Captain Syrup to take it from you, so we decided to hunt her down and take it back."
As he was saying this, Wario tore through the wrapping paper and uncovered a small turquoise sack. His beady eyes lighting up with pure, unadulterated avarice, Wario began to shake the bag violently. Gold coins spilled out every which way.
"It's mine! It's all mine! Finally! Yes! Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney!!! I got it back! I'm the greatest!"
Without as much as a "thank you", Wario resumed his shaking, stuffing the coins into his pocket. Those who did not know Wario as the Mario Bros. did may have been shocked by this appalling display of rudeness and greed, but Mario and Luigi had come to expect, and even enjoy, this from their cousin. While the two were laughing themselves silly at Wario's antics, Peach approached the brothers with two parcels wrapped in pink, heart-patterned wrapping paper. Before she could hand over her gifts, however, a deep rumble shook Toad Town to its core. Heads turned and fingers pointed upwards as a massive Doomship sailed overhead. The hull of the Doomship was draped with boughs of holly and clumps of silvery tinsel.
"Uh-oh." Mario whispered apprehensively. "Looks like Bowser's getting into the holiday spirit."
"Yeah," Luigi replied, equally worried. "And I think he's about to give us the gift of an air raid!"
From the Doomship emanated Bowser's deep, baritone voice,
"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, pitiful partygoers! It is I, the one and only Bowser Claws! I'm here to deliver a present to the lovely Princess Peach: an indefinite, all-expense paid stay in one of the luxurious deluxe suites of King Koopa's Kastle-O'-Fun! Don't bother packing your things, gorgeous; everything'll be provided for you at the castle!"
With that, a metal crane, much like one that would be found in a claw machine except much larger, descended from the Doomship's underside. The claw caught Peach by the head and hoisted her up into the air while she screamed for help. The claw was not a precision instrument, though, and it also managed to snatch the Bottomless Coin Sack right out of Wario's hands. Wario roared with fury and tried to grab it back, but both the moneybag and the Princess were too high up. When the claw had fully retracted into the Doomship, the aircraft sailed back to Bowser's Castle, while the Koopa King himself tauntingly called "Merry Christmas!" to the terrified townsfolk below. Mario at once turned to Luigi.
"C'mon, Bro! We've gotta get to Bowser's castle and rescue Peach!" Luigi flashed his brother a thumbs-up when Wario cut in,
"Forget about the stupid Princess! I want my coin sack! I didn't get to shake it enough!"
A few bystanders looked scandalized at Wario's dismissal of the Princess as "stupid", but Mario grabbed his arm and shouted at him,
"Well, I want to rescue the stupid Princess. If you want to get back your moneybag, you're welcome to tag along." Mario was not angry, but he did want to get a move on. Luigi had already begun running, so Mario and Wario hurried after him towards Bowser's Castle.
It took the trio about an hour to fight through the wilderness of the Mushroom Way before they reached Vista Hill, right next to the Mario Bros.' house. From there, it was a quick run down the Vista Docks. Mario hurriedly explained to a customs official that they needed a speedboat to rescue Princess Peach. The customs official interrupted Mario's explanation, saying that if the Mario Bros. needed a boat, all they needed to do was ask. Mario, Luigi, and Wario hopped into one of the speedboats and blasted at top speed across the Vista Sea. Wario, perhaps more committed to getting his money than Mario and Luigi were to saving the Princess, took the lead when they reached the castle. Quickly dispatching to two armed Koopas standing sentry at the front gate, he bashed down the castle's front doors with his patented shoulder block, the Booty Shuffle. Wario had named the move that because he found it incredibly useful for bashing open treasure chests and snagging the loot within. Looking down at the splintered fragments of what used to be a grand set of doors, Wario threw his hands up into the air and guffawed,
"Wahaha! I'm-a Wario! I'm-a gonna win!"
The Mario Bros. were surprised to see that Bowser was actually taking Christmas seriously. The walls entry hall were lined with wreaths and multicolored lights. A dusting of fake snow coated the gray stone floors. The usually dank and depressing interior of Bowser's Castle now looked positively cheerful. Wow, thought Luigi. I'd never have thought that Bowser cared so much about holidays. Maybe he's more like us than we give him credit for.
A lone Goomba who was affixing ornaments to a wreath toppled off his stepladder when the three mustachioed men broke down the door. Wario stomped over to him, towering over the dumpy Goomba. The Goomba gave a terrified squeak as Wario suddenly thrust his large belly forward. The force of his fat-filled stomach launched the small underling halfway across the entry hall and sent him careening into a string of lights. Four of the lights shattered and the poor Goomba slumped to the ground, unconscious. Mario and Luigi raised their eyebrows as Wario grunted enthusiastically and charged forward.
The next ten minutes consisted of negotiating lava pits and Thwomps and knocking the occasional castle guard out of their way - typical fare for the Mario Bros. Wario was thoroughly disappointed by the lack of valuable items to steal (although he did sneak a few shiny ornaments into his pockets.) Finally, they reached a set of gigantic wooden doors that Mario and Luigi knew to be the entry to Bowser's throne room. Wario gave this set of doors the same treatment that he did to the initial set. When the doors were blasted off their hinges, Bowser, sitting on his throne, yelped with shock.
If the entry hall was ornately decorated, it was nothing compared to the throne room Real snow was falling from the ceiling, probably the work of Kamek, Bowser's top advisor. Every inch of the walls was covered with lights, wreaths, and holly. To the right of Bowser's throne was a large Christmas tree, underneath of which was a large stack of presents. Those must be for his kids, Luigi thought. Unbelievable. He really is in a giving mood. Bowser himself was also decked out for the season. A fuzzy Santa hat was perched jauntily on his head, and his spiked shell was draped with holly and silver and gold tinsel. A bright Christmas light stood on every tip of his shell's spikes. Princess Peach stood next to the throne, reaching out to her rescuers.
"Ah!" he began enthusiastically. "The Stupid Mario Bros. and their tubby cousin have come to-"
"Shaddup, loser!" Wario interrupted. "Where's my Bottomless Coin Sack? Huh? Where is it?"
"Oh, you mean this thing?" Bowser replied, producing Wario's stolen moneybag from his shell. "Why would you even want this dumb old rag? It's empty!"
"You gotta shake it, dummy! Now hand it over!"
Bowser began to shake the turquoise sack furiously, causing hundreds of gold coins to spill out. Wario was outraged.
"HEY! NO SHAKING! THAT'S MINE! GET YOUR GRUBBY CLAWS OFF IT!"
Bowser laughed and stuffed the bag back into his shell over Wario's vehement protests. Wario charged at the massive Koopa, who knocked him away with a quick swipe from his claws. Bowser clapped his hands together and called out,
"Alright, you guys! Get out here!"
A door next to the tree opened up, and from it Bowser's seven children trudged, all wearing ridiculous forest-green elf costumes. The sight was too much for Mario and Luigi, who instantly doubled over, laughing.
"Daaaaaaad! Do we have to wear these dumb costumes?" Iggy griped.
"Of course you do! I'm Bowser Claws, and I need my Koopaling elves!"
"But Daddy," Wendy whined. "This green looks hideous with my PrettyGirl© Bright Pink Lip Gloss!"
Though the two colors did in fact look awful together, Bowser waved off her complaint and barked a new order.
"Kids! Come here and surround this fat oaf! Then we'll eject those moronic plumbers from the castle!" The Koopalings, however, refused to budge. "OK. If you kids do this for Daddy, I'll get each of you another present tomorrow!" Satisfied by their father's bribe, the Koopalings eagerly hopped over and formed a ring around the spot where Wario stood. Each punched their fists into their hands menacingly, advancing so as to make the circle ever tighter. Mario and Luigi started to save their cousin but, as they quickly discovered, Wario had everything under control. He leapt up high into the air and, at the peak of his jump, flipped his body into a sitting position. He yelled, "Butt smash!" as he careened down to the floor.
The awesome force of the Booty Slam caused everything in the throne room to topple over, including the tree. The eight Koopas around him were sent flying in all different directions, though they all had painful encounters with a wall. A delighted Wario dashed to the dazed Koopa King, delivered a sharp kick to his head, and yanked the Bottomless Coin Sack. Once again reunited with his beloved treasure, Wario began an elaborate victory dance that involved a great deal of shaking, both of the moneybag and of his rear. Mario grabbed Peach's hand, but before he could liberate her from the castle, Bowser called out,
"Aarrgh! Curse you, Mario! You swiped Peach and you busted my tree! You always ruin everything! It isn't fair, it just isn't!"
"Serves you right, you-"
"Wait, Mario," Peach cut in gently. "Bowser, is the real reason you did all this that you wanted to join the Mushroom Christmas party?"
"Pfff! As if! Why would I ever want to go to one of your parties?"
"Well," said Luigi, scratching his chin and looking up at the ceiling, "there was that one time when you weren't invited to go on that cruise with us, so you came along to mess things up."
"…OK, I did kinda want to come along that one time…but that was only once!"
"Bowser," said Peach, kneeling beside him. "If you want to come, you're welcome to."
"As long as you don't cause any trouble." Mario added firmly.
"R-Really?" Bowser realized that he was starting to sound slightly grateful, so he quickly stood up and composed himself. "I mean, since you really want me there so much, sure. After all, I'm such a popular guy, who wouldn't want me at their party? Kids! Get over here! Grab all your presents! We're having a Christmas party at Toad Town. KAMEK! Where are you?"
A door on the left side of the room opened, and Kamek stepped out. The blue-robed Magikoopa was about to enquire why he was summoned when Bowser, furious, cut him off.
"Kamek! Where's your Christmas spirit? There isn't a speck of red or green on you!"
"Well, Sire, I-"
"No excuses, Kamek! No more being a grouch during the holidays!" With that, Bowser tore a wreath from the wall and jammed it roughly around Kamek's neck. "Perfect!" Bowser pronounced happily as the Magikoopa tried to dislodge his new necklace, the needles of which were pricking he neck and face. "Alrighty! We're all ready here! Lead the way!"
With Peach in the lead, all thirteen of them marched out of the castle.
"Geez, what's gotten into him?" Mario whispered to Luigi as Bowser broke into a chorus of "O Come, All Ye Koopas" behind them.
"I don't know," Luigi whispered in reply. "I guess no one, not even Bowser, can resist the joy of Christmastime!"
At the rear of the line, Wario was showing off his coin sack to Kamek. The wizard only raised an eyebrow at the scoundrel's absurd preoccupation with something as trivial as money. The whole party took a Doomship back, and by the time they had arrived at Toad Town, scarcely two hours had passed since Bowser's initial attack.
Many were alarmed that the Koopas were being brought to the celebration, but Peach gave a short speech in which she said that since it was Christmas, one should forget silly animosities and come together for a night of fun. Most of the crowd seemed to concur, because Bowser was being greeted as jovially as anyone else was. The thirteen that had journeyed from the castle settled themselves at one of the long tables that would soon be used for the feast to unwrap gifts. Peach was watching the eight Koopas with great interest. Much to her surprise, Peach discovered that Bowser was actually a very caring, involved father despite the tough-guy show he always put on, for he gave his children gifts that fit perfectly their own enthusiasms.
For the botanist Larry, a book entitled Exotic Plants of Plit and packets of rare seeds; for the talkative Morton, a collection of videos called Great Political Speeches Through the Ages; for the vain Wendy, a make-up kit complete with every imaginable form of cosmetics; for the perennial punching bag, Iggy, a video called Self Defense for Wimps ("Just try and beat me up now, Roy!"); for the bully Roy, a set of black wristbands with large, menacing metal spikes to make him look even tougher; for the ice-loving, circus connoisseur Lemmy, a Freeze Ray Gun and a brand new set of colorful balls upon which to ride; for the scientific Ludwig, the promise that a high-tech science lab would be constructed in the castle as soon as possible; and he even gave a gift to Kamek: a large, ridiculous, dark blue wizard's hat, patterned with stars and stitched with the words #1 WIZARD in gold. Kamek tried to keep his expression neutral as he settled the hat on his head, but Peach noticed a faint smile on his face. Peach also saw that he had magically altered the color of his typically blue robes to red and green. The Koopalings had chipped in and bought their father the complete line of Super Mario Bros. Adventures playsets. There were large models of Bowser's Castle, Peach's Castle, and Toad Town, complete with miniature figurines of Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Peach, and everyone else. Bowser, tears in his eyes, proclaimed that this was a wonderful gift and that he would use it for his battle plans.
Up on the Christmas tree, Muskular was talking to Kalmar about the events that had transpired.
"Isn't Christmas great? Mario and Bowser, though constantly at odds, set aside their differences for one night to celebrate together!"
"It is a great thing to see; however, I fear that this peace is only transient and that they shall be at each others' throats again in no time."
"You fear?" Muskular laughed. "Of course they'll be enemies again! There's no avoiding that! It's just how the world works. It makes things more interesting, I think."
"Still," Kalmar sighed, "I always hope that one of these days, everyone will be able to coexist peacefully. I do hate conflicts."
"Eternally optimistic as always, Kalmar. So naïve."
Kalmar shrugged his left and right points and gave a small laugh. "I suppose you're right. Still, it's nice while it lasts."
Down below, Luigi was wondering whether the nights' events had taught Wario anything.
"So, Wario. Did you learn anything about what Christmas is really about?"
"Heck yeah, baby! If someone steals something of yours, beat 'em up and take it back!"
"No, I mean…look around you, Wario. Everyone standing together, talking, laughing, sharing…"
"Sharing's for losers! I want it all! I'm not giving my hard-earned treasure away as chump charity!"
Luigi laughed and shook his head. "You're a real piece of work, you know that, Wario?"
"A real RICH piece of work! WAHAHAHA!" Wario stuffed a whole clove of garlic into his mouth and continued to shake money out of the Bottomless Coin Sack. Meanwhile, Bowser and Mario were both laughing at what was apparently a very funny joke, Peach and Kamek were talking about the intensive years of study he had to go through to be such an accomplished Magikoopa, Larry was reading his book, Morton was talking to no one in particular, Wendy was applying makeup, Iggy and Roy were brawling, Lemmy was attempting to balance on two balls at once, and Ludwig was trying to figure out how exactly Lemmy's Freeze Gun worked.
All of this was observed by Eldstar, who was perched on the very top of the tree. Ah, Christmas. Such a wonderful day. All the Plitian people come together, whether seeking fellowship or the acquisition of things. It does not matter; either way, they are all united. It is such a beautiful sight.
Through that whole night, everyone, including the Star Spirits on the tree, laughed and shouted and carried on. Tomorrow, everything would return to normal, but for that one night, Mario and Bowser could join together in a raucous and woefully out of tune round of carols. Finally, deep into the night, Princess Peach was once again raised up to the top of the tree and offered a final toast.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! What a night it has been! I think I can safely say that this has been the most memorable Christmas ever, partly thanks to our good friend Bowser." The King of Koopas received an enthusiastic round of applause from the Mushroomers. On any other day, they probably would have pelted him with garbage. But not on Christmas. "I am so glad to have been able to celebrate this great holiday with all of you. And so, before we part, let's all raise our glasses in one final toast: Merry Christmas!"
"MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!" everyone, even Wario, shouted.