An Amestrian Christmas
AU
Edward is a ruffian, Alphonse the Santa-believer, Roy the neighborhood pretty boy, and Santa nearly killed.
Chapter 1: You Need Help, Mr. Grinch
"Ugh! You're not getting a Christmas gift this year and that's that!"
Ed kicked up snow as he stormed off, a suit of armor clambering after him.
"Wait, Brother! I know…We don't have enough money for any, anyways, since you quit your job…"
"I didn't quit, Al, they suspended me. Who needs 'em, anyway? I'm a child prodigy; I can get a job anywhere!"
Alphonse sighed as they stopped at a damp, snow-dotted corner and waited for the light to change.
"If that were the case, we wouldn't be running from the MPs, would we?"
"Shut up! It was just a little property damage, they'll get over it. That lady's purse would have been stolen!"
"That car you drove through the radio station was stolen." Dryly replied Al.
Edward huffed and sauntered across the street as the light changed.
"I got the job done, didn't I? And I get my crummy job with the military back in January, so it's no big deal."
Alphonse put a hand to his helmet in exasperation. Now was one of those times that he'd kill for his human body, just to shake his head at his brother's thought process.
"Okay, okay. But back to Christmas-"
"No gifts." Declared Edward.
"Right, but we can at least make something, right?"
Edward laughed.
"Make something? Like what, meth? A crappy card? Yeah, right!"
While Edward chuckled to himself, Alphonse grew downtrodden.
"Brother…but it's Christmas. It's the thought that counts, right?"
Again, Ed barked a laugh as he turned left onto Battalion Drive.
"Lemme guess, you already made me some crappy card."
"No…" Replied an irritated Alphonse. "But you don't have to be so humbug! It's Christmas!"
"Christmas sucks!"
Ed kicked the snow lining the sidewalk for emphasis.
"It's a consumeristic holiday celebrating eating and buying and trespasser pedophilia."
"Santa isn't a pedophile!"
"He breaks into houses at night for little kids!"
"To give them presents! And you don't like Santa just because he drinks milk." Deduced Al.
"It's disgusting cow secretion! It's like cow pee but not!"
Al sighed, wondering how he was stuck with such a sibling as they turned onto their street. A familiar sight met them upon arrival.
"Well, well. If it isn't our little scientist. Out Christmas shopping?"
Smirking, Roy Mustang leaned on the shovel he had been scraping snow with. Ed growled, firing a glare at his former boss.
"Um, hello, Mr. Mustang!"
"Hello, Alphonse."
"Are you getting ready for Christmas? It's in two days!"
"Well, I've been pretty busy with the work I didn't get suspended from…" Edward ground his teeth. "But otherwise I think I'm all set. However, it'd be great to have someone to spend it with."
Across the street, the passing neighborwoman shot Roy a glare. He flinched as a snowball nailed him in the face.
"Ow. Tough rejection."
"Do you have a tree?"
Roy nodded as he wiped snow from his face.
"Of course. I have mistletoe too." He added loudly, barely dodging another snowball.
"Brother, can we get a tree? Please?"
Ed glared.
"No, Al. We don't need one of those heathenistic green things in our living room."
"They're not heathenistic!"
"Have you seen their prices? Those are straight from Satan."
Al groaned.
"Anyway, see ya, Roy."
"It's 'Sir' to you, Elric."
Edward shrugged as he ambled down the sidewalk.
"Whatever."
After apologizing, Alphonse ran after his brother, leaving Roy to resume his chore.
"Hey, Sir, who was that? The Elrics?"
In front of him, Heymans Breda appeared clutching two cups of coffee.
"Yep. You remember they live on this street, right?" Asked Roy, taking one of the mugs. "Since he's been suspended, Edward's been acting even worse than usual."
Evidence of this was seen down the way, where Edward was chucking snowballs rapid-fire at the little boy across the street.
Roy sighed.
"The kid hates Christmas."
As if to confirm this, Edward charged across the street, kicked over the boy's snowman, and stomped on it demonically.
Alphonse was appalled.
The little boy burst into tears.