I've had about half of this written for a while. Then I watched the recent episode and it upset me quite a bit but also inspired me to finish this.
Trigger warnings: For self harm and attempted suicide and obviously talk of depression.
I see this set around Asian F time. Only I'm not following canon. I mean I am in some ways but I'm ignoring the whole bit with Shelby coming back. And Quinn's feelings are a lot more severe in this than they are in canon. Also Blaine's past I made up, for obvious reasons.
I borrowed some of the things included in On My Way (you'll see.)
This is basically Quinn and Blaine friendship. I feel like they could help each other in so many ways. Talk of Klaine.
I do NOT own Glee.
Empty
Quinn couldn't describe her feelings.
It had been a long, long, long time since she'd talked about them, so long in fact that she felt like she no longer existed. Oh sure, she existed in body alright, she woke up in the morning and talked to her mom and sister and went to school and sang in glee club and went to class. But inside, she felt like there was nothing there, just a hollow empty shell where everything should be, where everyone else had love and strength and sadness and joy and ambition, Quinn Fabray just had layer after layer of painful emptiness. It felt unfair to her that despite feeling so hollow all the time she still hurt, it still ached and burned, like there was a ghost of what she once had there, but it was just that, a ghost, a spirit.
A ghost of a feeling can't save you.
And to be honest, Quinn felt well past saving. She had these thoughts as she sat in glee club, at the back in the corner, away from everyone. This feeling of total, complete, all encompassing loneliness, she'd never known this before, and would never be able to explain how it felt if she lived to be one hundred. It felt...like even though there were twelve other people in the room who she knew would help her if she was in trouble, or even could just have a light hearted conversation with her, she still felt so unbelievably alone, like they were all on a different level from her, a higher one with hope and happiness and joy ahead of them.
All Quinn saw when she looked ahead was pain and emptiness and most importantly, darkness. Looking into her future felt like looking into an endless tunnel, and she knew no matter how far she walked, the tunnel wouldn't ever end.
The thought crippled her, but she didn't let it show, couldn't. It wasn't even like she was trying to hide it. Maybe if it showed on her face, if she had some kind of 'breakdown' people might notice, they might have a go at saving her (even though she knew deep down she was beyond being saved) but she couldn't show it. Whenever she looked in the mirror she saw the same girl she always did, blonde hair, hazel eyes, clear skin. She looked almost mockingly healthy and content, but somewhere deep inside there was a different Quinn. A Quinn who was pale and wan, with sorrow darkened eyes, and she was screaming and beating her chest and sobbing 'save me' over and over again.
She was too deep to be heard.
She felt the sobs rise in her throat, felt like they would choke her, but as they always did they fell away before they reached her mouth. She felt like she'd spent so long building a wall to hide her feelings and emotions from anyone who might try and see them that she was no longer capable of showing them at all. She felt hopelessly afraid that she'd permanently damaged herself because she had always been terrified to lose things.
She was afraid to lose her place in the cheerios when she'd gotten pregnant, but despite every effort, every way to try and hide her pregnancy, every diet she went on to keep her bump as small as possible, she still got kicked off.
She was afraid to lose her family, her home, but despite every effort to make her mother think she'd just gained weight, every extra chore she did at home, every drink she brought her father, she still got kicked out and given fifteen minutes to pack.
She was afraid to lose Finn, but despite every effort to keep him, every sneaky conversation with Puck and attempt to keep their affair a secret, he still dumped her the week before sectionals.
She was afraid of so many things, but she knew she didn't help herself with the way she acted. It was like no matter how scared she was of losing them, maybe, just maybe if she pushed them away first it wouldn't hurt as much when they eventually left her.
Like Sam. Like Finn. Like Puck. Like her father.
They'd all loved her in their own messed up ways, but she couldn't accept that, had shoved them all away. She'd much rather hurt someone first than even give them a shot at hurting her.
It had been pointless. They'd all hurt her anyway, without even trying.
And then she lost Beth. Again. Sure, she'd given her away, but that wasn't because she didn't love her. Oh god, she loved her. She loved her daughter from the moment she first held her, but she knew she couldn't give her everything.
She wanted Beth to have everything. Every good thing life had to offer, and so much more. She knew she couldn't give her that.
So she carried on in the same way, broken and silent, not saying a word as she retreated further and further into herself.
Quinn Fabray was running.
Running where, she had no idea. But she was out of the choir room and down the hall and out of the school before she knew she was even up.
She didn't even realise it was raining until she got half way down the road and realised she was soaking wet. It was like all her sadness was rising up, had finally exploded out of her, and it was as bad as it had been caged for so long and it felt like the depression that had been choking her for months and months, since way before Beth was born was finally clawing its way out of her.
She fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around herself and wondered if this would kill her, if this sadness would destroy her, because she felt weak and vulnerable and like her body couldn't possibly sustain this much sadness, and it wasn't like anything had even happened, not one thing had triggered this, it had just got too much for her to bear and the idea that it had ever not hurt like this was so alien...
"Quinn." A car had pulled up, and suddenly people were piling out. She saw Rachel, Kurt, Blaine, Puck and Santana and she didn't even try to hide anything she was feeling. There was no point. This was it, no more hiding. They all knew, and they\d probably reject her, think she was crazy...
"I...I..." Quinn stammered, and surprisingly Blaine was the first to approach her. He bent down in front of her, his curly hair plastered to his head, his voice low and quiet and soothing even in the fierce wind and rain, like a port of calm in a horrific storm.
"Quinn, sweetheart." Blaine started, on his haunches, his hand resting on her cheek. "You're ok. You need to breathe though, honey." She only realised when Blaine mentioned it that her breathing was raspy, the air catching in her throat as she began to hyperventilate. "In and out, you can do it."
"I...can't..." She croaked, clutching the sleeve of the boy she barely knew, had barely said two words to, but suddenly felt like the only person in the world who could possibly save her right then.
"Yes you can! You've survived this far and you can do it now. Do it, Quinn. Breathe. In and out." Blaine's voice was fierce but still soothing and after a couple of minutes she managed to maintain a regular breathing pattern again.
"How..." Quinn murmured, leaning against Blaine, "how did you..."
"I've had my fair share of panic attacks." Blaine pulled her close. "We need to get you out of the rain. Can you stand?"
Old Quinn would have nodded that she was fine, would have sucked up the pain and stood. This Quinn, this strange girl who had unwittingly laid herself and her pain bare for her friends to see shook her head.
"It's ok." Blaine put one arm around her waist and scooped her up gently, putting the other arm under her legs. He walked towards the car and then she was vaguely aware of another person's arms around her, Puck, she realised, even through her half closed eyes and foggy thoughts.
Then she felt someone stroke her sodden hair and tuck it gently behind her ears and she realised it was an uncharacteristically gentle gesture from Santana.
"Sssh, Quinn." Santana soothed gently, and Quinn realised she was whimpering out loud. "We've got you."
After a few minutes the car stopped and she again felt herself be lifted, low voices above her probably discussing her, then the slam of a door and the gentle drop as she was put on a couch. She felt the heat of the house she was in, it felt soothing and warm on her rain drenched skin.
"I'll handle this." Blaine's voice. She felt too tired to open her eyes for a few minutes, so other than shifting a little (and receiving a gentle hand on her damp shoulder for it) she didn't respond.
"Are you sure? I can stay but I feel like you can help her more." Kurt's hushed tones. "I know what you've been through...how hard it was for you."
"I know. I love you." Blaine replied, and Quinn fought off more tears as she looked up and saw Kurt's lips gently brush Blaine's forehead, before glancing down at her.
"We all love you so much, Quinn." Kurt whispered, taking her hand and squeezing it. "Never ever forget that."
Quinn nodded softly and blinked tearfully at him as he kissed her fingers before leaving the room.
Then Blaine sat down beside Quinn. She sat up as much as she could find the energy to and shifted so she could face Blaine.
There was a long silence, and Quinn guessed Blaine was waiting for her to speak. Eventually she did.
"Kurt said 'I know what you've been through'" Quinn murmured after a while, and Blaine looked faintly surprised. "What did he mean? If you don't mind me asking...I mean...you just seemed to know how to handle me when I..." She looked down and blushed, "fell apart."
"Quinn," Blaine said, sliding a hand under her chin and forcing their eyes to meet, "don't be ashamed of what just happened to you." Quinn nodded, and eventually Blaine spoke again. "And of course I don't mind telling you."
There was another pause as Blaine chewed his lip and ran a hand through his rain soaked hair. Quinn and he realised in the same moment they were both shivering from the storm, and Blaine stood up and returned a few minutes later with two blankets. Quinn wrapped one round herself and Blaine did the same, returning to his position beside her.
"You can probably guess I was bullied." Blaine began, and Quinn nodded. She knew what Kurt had been through and it didn't surprise her to learn Blaine had faced the same ignorance and prejudice. "I came out when I was thirteen. Not through choice, I was forced out. I wasn't brave, not like Kurt." Tears shone in his eyes and Quinn wanted to contradict him, but he carried on before she had the chance. "And every day from the moment I came out, I was bullied. I didn't go to Dalton back then, I was at a school in Westerville. I was pushed and kicked and verbally abused. I had no friends. I always had to work alone when we split off into groups." Quinn knew this feeling all too well and she reached out and held Blaine's hand unconsciously.
"I was clinically depressed at fourteen years old." Blaine whispered. "I was so so lonely. My parents were so absent. I know they love me, but I've got a brother who's ten years older than me. I think they feel they've done their job as parents. I was a teenager therefore I could look after myself. But I couldn't. I wasn't an adult, I was fourteen years old and coming home from school with a bloody nose and bruised ribs and no one there to notice." Quinn stroked his fingers softly, her heart going out to him.
"I guess you know how it feels." Blaine smiled sadly, and Quinn swallowed. "That all encompassing feeling of loneliness. People say they feel sad, but I didn't feel sad. I hurt, I hurt all day every day but more than that I was numb. I felt cold and emotionless and empty. I didn't even feel human. I felt like a worthless, emotionless robot."
"I do know. That's exactly how I feel." Quinn's words fell through her unmoving lips, a lump in her throat. "What happened?"
"A new kid came to the school. He came out before he was aware how homophobic Westerville was. There was a school dance and he asked me to go. We weren't close but we stuck together because he was the only person at school who would talk to me civilly." Quinn nodded in understanding. "We went together." Blaine's hand began to shake under hers and she knew what was coming wouldn't be good. She thought of Blaine and Kurt at prom, remembered Blaine asking Kurt to dance with a shake in his voice, his outstretched hand trembling slightly.
"It went fine until we were waiting for his dad to pick us up after." Blaine continued. "Then three guys...the biggest in our year...they beat ten shades of shit out of us. I don't really remember it. They got my head pretty bad. All I knew was I woke up in hospital two days later with a severe concussion, a shattered pelvis, four broken ribs and a ton of bruises."
Quinn gasped, tears shining in her eyes once again. She couldn't speak, her throat felt closed off. She had never imagined Blaine had gone through anything like that.
"Of course it heightened my depression. I was at my worst." Blaine's voice trembled but at the same time it was strong. "I was released from hospital after a couple of weeks, but I was still off school. I was...bad. I was emptier than ever before. I couldn't sleep without nightmares, I couldn't eat without vomiting. I was just...this shell of a person." Blaine closed his eyes, then opened them again. "I began to self harm. Usually with scissors, I'd cut my upper arms and thighs until they bled. I didn't want my mom to see. I just...it gave me a rush, it made me feel for the first time in years. But one day...it wasn't enough. One day I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, I hated the life I lived, the person I was and the way I'd been born." Blaine took a deep breath. "I took too many pills."
"Blaine..." Quinn said softly, clenching his fingers tighter still.
"My brother found me. He was visiting for the weekend and came home super early. He called an ambulance, they pumped my stomach and put me on suicide watch. Then I got put on anti-depressants and started seeing a counsellor. I healed up from the attempt and from the attack and then my parents used their savings to send me to Dalton Academy. I got better there. It took time and I was still a mess but I got better. Suddenly I was in a place where no one would hurt me, no one would tease me. I was accepted, but better than that, I had friends...for the first time since I turned thirteen I wasn't alone.
"Every day was still a struggle though. I haven't cut since before I tried to kill myself, but at Dalton I was often tempted. It's an addiction, and the high I'd get after I did it was...well I didn't do it again but I thought about it. I was off the anti-depressants but still seeing the doctor for counselling. I don't even have to go to that anymore." Blaine said softly.
"When did you last see the counsellor?" Quinn asked gently.
"Two days before I met Kurt." Blaine looked up at Quinn with watery eyes, and she felt her heart swell. "Dalton built me back up, the pills helped, my doctor was amazing, but Kurt...Kurt saved my life in every semblance of the word. I met him and I just knew that I'd met someone who would be a big part of my life. I didn't know how big at the time." Blaine laughed softly, and Quinn realised she was actually smiling. "He made me realise all the things I'd have missed out on if I'd been successful when I took all those pills. He's given me everything. Love, friendship, adventure, new friends, wonderful times...Quinn you will have all those things and more, you just have to stay strong."
Quinn swallowed. "It's so hard. It doesn't seem right me complaining when you've been through so much worse, but..."
"Hey. No." Blaine said sharply, and she looked up. "Quinn we're all human. Everybody hurts and nobody else's pain will ever void yours. Pain is pain and no matter who you are, you deserve to feel good and full and happy. And you will feel happy again, Quinn. It'll take time, but you will."
"When you said...about feeling empty. It's like you were describing me." She sniffed, wiping her wet cheeks with her free hand. "I just feel like this hollow shell all the time, and I don't know why. And that's the worst part. Why am I not happy, Blaine? I've spent so long trying to hide my feelings, I don't even know if I can show them anymore. I think I'm broken."
"Quinn you are not broken. Today you let your walls down, you showed us all your pain, you opened up. That's not a broken person. That's a brave person. You've obviously been feeling like this for months and yet here you are. You're hurt and you feel hollow but you're alive. You've been through hell and you're still breathing. Don't you realise how brave that makes you, sweetie?"
Quinn suddenly flung her arms around Blaine and wrapped them round his still damp torso tightly.
"Thank you." She whispered as tears began to rain down her cheeks again. "Thank you, thank you." There was a pause as they hugged, and after a while Quinn asked a question, softly and hestiantly. "Will I get better?"
"Yes. One hundred times yes. You'll more than get better. You'll get happy." Quinn cried harder and Blaine began to rock her. "Sssh, honey it's ok. It's going to be ok." After a while they broke apart, Quinn still sniffing. There was a silence before Blaine spoke again.
"There's this thing me and Kurt do when we're feeling low, do you wanna do it?" He asked.
"If it involves sex then no, Anderson. You're taken and you don't swing my way." Quinn joked, faintly realising it was the first time she'd joked about anything in months. Blaine laughed out loud.
"Ok, it's the other thing we do when we're feeling low." He snorted, pulling her closer. She nodded in agreement.
"Ok, basically we sit and we just talk about things we're excited for in the future. I wish I'd had someone to do this with when I was at my lowest, because it helps so much. It makes you realise that even though all you can see is darkness, eventually there will be light, and it'll be bright and you'll have a wonderful life outside of this town, outside of these years that have hurt you and thrown everything at you." Blaine explained. "Shall I start?" Quinn nodded. "I'm excited to be able to stand in front of my friends and family and tie myself to Kurt in every way possible. I'm excited to tell him that I'll love him forever, no matter what happens to us. I'm excited because I know one day, all over the world, people will be able to do that with their other half, man and man, woman and woman or man and woman. Because I know one day that will happen, and I'm so glad I'll be alive to see it."
Quinn smiled softly, leaning into Blaine so she fitted securely under his arm.
"My turn." She whispered, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. A start. "I'm excited to get out of Lima and never, ever come back here. I'm excited to go to college and meet new people in a wonderful new place that's full of hope and open minded people. I'm excited to all the places I've always wanted to see, I'm excited to go to Paris and Rome and London and Australia. I'm excited to see my children grow up in a place so different to where I did, to have a happiness I haven't had. I'm excited for...the future." She ended, feeling a lightness in her heart she hadn't experienced in months.
"See?" Blaine said, and though she couldn't see his face from her position leaning into him she could hear a small smile on his lips. "There are so many wonderful things still to come for you, Quinn. You are eighteen years old and you have this incredible, adventure filled, love and hope filled life to live. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard. We'll find you someone to talk to, someone who will properly be able to help you. I'll talk to you day or night, whenever you need me. The rest of the glee club...they all love you so much. It'll be hard and some days you'll wonder why you're even bothering to get better because it seems so hopeless. But we'll be there. Every single day. Then one day you'll realise you're a little better than you were. That'll keep happening, and then you'll go through an entire day without feeling that hollow empty sensation."
"I will?" Quinn's tone was hopeful, begging almost.
"You will. I promise." Blaine replied, and she snuggled into him again, tiredness overtaking her.
"Thank you, Blaine." She whispered thickly. Tomorrow would be hard; the start of getting better, of recovery and probably pills and talking about her feelings to someone who wasn't Blaine.
But he was right. She had at least a dozen people who loved her, exactly the way she was. They'd get her though.