AN - I love Jessie J and all of her music but this idea has been running through my mind all day and night so I had to get it down! Please read and review and tell me what you think because it really means a lot! *If you haven't listened to the song I recommend you do*
It's not fair
I'm talking to You upstairs
Are you there?
You know I care
So please don't tell me that this is an empty prayer
Oh no
Dear God, I need your help more than ever, I can't lose Sam not now, not after everything we have been though. You know she told me she loved me for the first time last week and I will never forget that because I love her too. I know we have been friends since forever but I do need her, I need her more than ever and I can't believe it took until she was here lying in front of me hooked up to all these machines for me to realise, why is she there god, why is she not awake and walking around like the other involved in the accident. She didn't deserve this, Not Sam not my best friend Samantha Nicholls, Please God if you are listening let her be alright I can't go on without her. Amen
I have never been religious and Sam knows that but right now praying seems like the only think that may wake her up, I would never expect her to be pushed into the ED on a trolley. She went out to help people after a shooting, her and Iain. Of course Mr Jordan would recommend that they went out and it hardly seems fair that Iain is standing her next to me and looking over Sam's lifeless body. She was shoot by the mad man who was caught lucky enough, shoot right in the chest which sent her petit body falling through the air and she must have hit the floor with some force as she cracked her head open. She is now lying here in front of us in an induced Coma, Mr Jordan agreed with the Neurology that it was the best option to help her because the swelling on her brain is too much for her and so here she is.
'Cause all she has and all she's lost
I wish she could remember
I watch her fade and slip away
It's hurting more than ever
I wish she knew I was here with her they say that people can hear while in a coma but I just can't bring myself to say anything to her, I wonder if she knows that she is even lying there. She had such a future ahead of her and now here she is lying here in front of me with not even a 30% chance of survival. I know they are doing everything for her but I just can't bear to think about how much she might lose if she even wakes.
I'm by myself now, Dylan, Mr Jordan, Zoe, and Tom they have all been up to see her but no one could stay and I don't blame her if you could see how pale she looks deathly pale not her normal self with her little rosy cheeks and the tiniest bit of colour. I swear she gets paler every time I turn back to her. The colour is fading along with Sam and I just really can't stand it I need her it feels like a big chunk of my heart has been ripped out!
I miss her even though she's still here
You need to listen
Don't let her disappear
I'll give her my forever
If it meant for a day she could really be okay
'Cause I miss her
Even though she's still here
Oh Sammy, If I could give you anything I would to help, I would even give my life just to see your smile again. Her body is lying in front of me but it isn't her, it's not the beautiful, feisty doctor we all know and love. I don't want that part of her to disappear as that is Sam not this shell of a person in front without her personality she is no one, but that's the same with all of us, our personalities are what make us who we are today.
Please let there be something I can do, I have begged the Neuro's but they have told me we just have to wait, I can't wait I need to know she is going to be okay. Why can no one see that? I miss her so much even though she is still here in front of me but until she is awake I will never know if that body still belongs to Samantha Nicholls, My best friend since we were three. I have been through so much with her, her marriage, her army training, her affair, the shooting of Salah, her devoice, her new job and life back in Holby and there is no way I'm giving up now.
Is this pretend?
Will she really not know my face?
In the end
If You're a friend a friend a friend
Show me how to heal it when she can't even feel it
Please... show me
I still can't believe this is really happening it's been another hour and still no improvement Neuro now reckon that even if she does wake she will have no idea who any of us are. No memory of anything yet they say no matter what your memories are yours and no one can take them away but somehow Sam's have been stolen from her. I still remember so much of what he have been thought together all the parties, sport matches, school days, school plays… our first Christmas play will always be one we can look back on and laugh about, we were both 5, Sam played Mary and I was a wise man but the play wasn't completed that evening because as soon as the curtains were drawn and I saw the waiting audience of parents, teachers, siblings and everybody else who was there I lost the contents of my stomach all over the stage and all over the choir, it's safe to say that was the first and last play I ever had a role in the rest of them I was just left to sing in the choir, everyone laughed at me but Sam she just looked at me as if to say it will be okay but It's not going to be alright is it because she won't be able to remember that, or any of the other times we spent together.
I see this happen to so many patients ad there friends just walk away but if you're a friend you're a friend for life and no matter what I'm not going to leave Sam she needs me more than ever now and forever, I will be here for you Sam and if I could heal it for you I would but this is something they don't teach you in medical school, how to fix a broken hear because even though you have all these different injuries this is the worse one is the way there is now a very big Sam size hole missing from my heart I have asked everyone to show me how I can heal your pain Sam but no one knows, I'm so sorry I can't do more but I will be here for you forever and always, nothing will ever change that.
'Cause all she has and all she's lost
I wish she could remember
I watch her fade and slip away
It's hurting more than ever
A wonderful, talented young doctor is what most people would tell you if you asked them to describe Samantha Nicholls because that's true that's who she is, that's her legacy and to think that if she loses it no one is going to miss her, none of these patients she dedicated her life to will ever really notice she has gone, she has lost everything and I wish there was some way to not just let Sam remember but to let everyone else who she ever treated remember her by as well, maybe just the warm smile on her face that could light up even the darkest of times, just to see that smile again would be more than enough for me.
She is still fading away each time I turn to her another hour another check over by Neuro, maybe this time she is improving maybe they have good news for me but they just told me the same as last time what I didn't want to here she is slipping away why can't they do anything for her, I guess I should phone her parents, Mr Jordan had offered but I told him I would, I slowly pulled out my phone from my pocket and the first thing I see is a message from Zoe with a link in for some website but I really cannot be bothered to click it but something made me, maybe it was that fact that whenever something like this happened it would be all over the news, I knew that the shooting and the fact that the man held responsible for all this had be caught but nothing could prepare me for what I saw next, it was a picture of Sam, standing in the entrance to the ED smiling that warm smile with one hand on her hip and the other holdings her famous orange stethoscope. I knew deep down that it was likely to have hit the news but I just didn't want to believe it. There was a statement from Zoe underneath the text that read about Sam's condition but I didn't want to read it already knew what had happened to her.
I miss her even though she's still here
You need to listen
Don't let her disappear
I'll give her my forever
If it meant for a day she could really be okay
'Cause I miss her
"Mr Nicholls?" I asked when the ringing had stop and someone answered the phone.
"Mrs Nicholls, Mr Nicholls is driving is it possible to take a message?" the voice replied and how it sounded so much like Sam's it just made my heart shatter again.
"Afternoon, it's Adrian Fletcher here" I said trying to sound professional but hoping she would remember my name.
"Adrian, it's been a while how have you been, if you hoping to speak to Sam your out of luck we haven't seen her in a while, if you go down to Holby city you..." Mrs Nicholls started but I interrupted, I couldn't bear to listen to her talk about memories when Sam had lost hers.
"Mrs Nicholls, you need to listen to me, I know where Sam is, and it's you I want to talk to you." I explained.
"That sounds ominous" She said her voice changing a little.
"Sam, was involved in a shooting and is currently in a coma fighting for her life, I wish it wasn't the case but there is really nothing I can do to help her, I know this is a lot to take in but it would be really nice if you could make it down to Holby City hospital" I explained again my voice breaking at the end.
"My Sammy, my beautiful Sammy?" she questioned.
"I wish it wasn't true" I said through tears.
"Oh Adrian, are you by yourself with her? Of course we will come down, Sam needs us and so do you" Mrs Nicholls replied.
"Thank you, I'm sure she will benefit from having you around, we are in the intensive care unit, I will explain more when you arrive" I said with no emotion in my voice.
"We shouldn't be too long, please don't leave her side" Mrs Nicholls said and the phone line went dead.
Sam I wish there was so much more for you that I could do but phoning your parents seemed to be the only think I could think of, please wake up Sammy I miss you.
And promise me this
When she goes
Everything she sees will set her free
Thirteen and the colour green
Promise me this
That she knows
That the people that she loves
Will love her in the skies above
Another hour had passed since I phoned Sam's parent's and Neuro had been back in and told me I should consider turning off her life support because if she does wake up she won't have much of a life anymore but I couldn't do that, I told him it was not my choice and that her parents are on their way down to visit her and it should be down to them, but I know that there is no chance they will ever agree to turning off the machines they need her just as much as I do and even if she isn't the same girl she used to be she will still be our Sammy but if there is no other way and she does leave us promise me that you will set her free from all of this and erase the memory of how it happened I want her to be free, I want her to remember what it was like when we were Thirteen, free without a care in the world running though the fields bare footed and just having fun.
If she has to go please let her know that we will love her up there as much as we loved her down here as no matter where she is she is still our Sammy and I know no matter what I will never be able to forget her I will love Sam forever and always. Please Sammy I need you, I miss you, I love you yet all they want to give you is four hours, that's all it has been since you were shot, four hours may not have normally felt like much when I was on shift with you but now four hours seems to feel like forever if only you know how much I need you Sammy.
I miss her even though she's still here
You need to listen
So don't let her disappear
I'll give her my forever forever forever
If it meant for a day she could really be okay
'Cause I miss her
Even though she's still here
She's still here oh
Sam's parents are here but ever since I explained what happened and what the Neuro said all they have down is cry and I don't blame them it's all I want to do how can she be here even though they say no matter what that she isn't Sam anymore but it can't be true surely that can't be true they sit here telling me I need to listen to them but I can't, I can't sit there and listen to them tell me she is slowly disappearing in front of my eyes.
If there was anything Sam, anything at all I could do to help you wake up but I know deep down in my heart that there is nothing I can do to help you medically we just have to wait and see how your body copes. I promise you Sam you can have everything, I will be here for you forever once you wake up to help rebuild those memories and to help you rebuild your life, even if it does take forever I won't give up on you, because if the tables were turned I know you would do the same. How I wish it was the other way round and it was me lying in that bed instead of you, it really isn't fair I swear I saw your eyes flicker then and I saw those beautiful deep blue eyes of your but maybe I'm just imagining it but I miss you so much it just seemed so real, please Sam just show us a sign, your parents are connived that no matter what you are still going to be the same Sam that you fall asleep as, I wish I could share my medical knowledge with them because when you wake up as a complete different Girl they are going to be so shocked, oh Sam even that makes me want to cry even more you where the one who convinced me to follow my dream and become a nurse.
It's been five and a half hours and I swear I have seen those eye's flicker again Neuro are about to come back in so show them, show them you are still here because they don't believe me Sam and it is killing me because I know you are here even if they don't.
I miss her, miss her miss her
I just miss her, miss her miss her
I miss her even though she's still here
"Mr Fletcher, Mr and Mrs Nicholls, I believe we have done all that we can for Miss Nicholls and it is not fair if we leave her on the machine's for much longer as she won't have much of a life if she wakes, but the decision is up to you, just bear in mind that she is going to need around the clock care if she does wake" The Neurosurgeon explained.
"This can't be it, I won't let you turn those machines off, Jonathan, Adrian did either of you see Sam, her eyes where flickering, She is still here and I'm not ready to give up just yet" Melissa explained.
"I saw her, I saw her eyes, I thought I was just going crazy because I want her here so badly, I just want her to be alright. I will give Sam all I have got to be with her, I will even quit my job to care for her because without her by my side it won't be the same" I told them and I saw the look of shock run across Melissa face.
"Adrian you don't have to do that, you can't quit your job you need it, besides Jonathan and I can look after Sam" Melissa said.
"You don't understand I made a promise to Sam that I would look after her forever when we were younger and I'm going to keep it because I know if it was the other way around she would be right by my side" I admitted and Melissa nodded.
"Right well it looks like you have made your decision and that it is to leave Miss Nicholls on the life support" The Neurosurgeon said and was about to walk out of the room when we heard a scream and turned around to face Sam….
"Who are you all and what are you doing in my room?" She asked really out of breath. Melissa ran over to try and comfort her but It wasn't working she had no idea who anyone was, she didn't even know who she was, I took a deep breath and remembered I was in my nurses scrubs so I went up to the side of her bed and tried to talk to her to calm her breathing down, I knew this was going to happened, she wouldn't know who we are but it just hit me harder and made me realize that I am going to miss her more than ever now even though she's still here.
"Samantha, I'm Nurse Fletcher, but you can call me Fletch, Everything is going to be okay" I told her but my voice broke towards the end knowing full well that it wouldn't be okay…