8/22/00
"The List" is one of my favorite episodes. It really shows the loyalty and love that runs deep between the two brothers and how, when it comes down to it, they will always be there for each other. Rather than using Rick's famous last words as a title for this story (since I think that has already been done), I decided, instead, to title this after the melancholy blues song that A.J. and Amanda both loved. So, here's my version of "Stormy Monday." I hope you like it.
*****************************************************************
Stormy Monday
by Loraine
"They call it stormy Monday,
but Tuesday's just as bad
They call it stormy Monday,
but Tuesday's just as bad
Wednesday's worse,
and Thursday's also sad..."
"Stormy Monday"
-T. Bone Walker
***********************************************
I knew she was trouble the minute I laid eyes on her, and I didn't need to be Phillip Marlowe to figure it out. Just the way she came walkin' out of the fog that night like a damn ghost made my hackles rise. She was a dark-haired, dark-eyed mystery woman in a trenchcoat who could've come from straight outta one of those detective novels A.J. was always readin.' And judgin' by the look on my younger brother's face, I had the feelin' the trouble was only gonna get worse.
Everyone has a story, and we've heard them all, but somethin' about her's just didn't sit well with me. A well-known, but by no means well-regarded, magazine publisher by the name of Hy Elton had been murdered, and she was about to become one of the prime suspects. And it was all because of some silly "list" he'd put her on, namely, "The Ten Sexiest Women in San Diego." While I didn't see a problem with this, the girl was adamantly against the whole idea. As far as she was concerned, it was nothin' but a nuisance. She felt her privacy was bein' invaded, and she was fed up with people sneakin' around snappin' pictures of her. Determined to get herself taken off the list, she went to Elton's house to plead her case--and found him dead.
When I asked her why she didn't just go straight to the police, this really seemed to spook her. She got real uptight and started insisting she couldn't do that, and that we couldn't ask why. While I was gettin' a real bad feelin' about her, my brother, on the other hand, seemed to be hangin' on her every word, gazin' at her like she was some enchantress from another world. Somethin' about her had him mesmerized, and I could tell the kid was completely taken with her.
My instincts tellin' me to put the breaks on this, and fast, I told her I didn't think we could help her. But A.J. wasn't about to give this one up and decided we needed to have a quick conference in the living room, which was just fine with me.
I told him point blank to let her go, that she was trouble, and that I didn't want any part of it. But my younger brother had learned years ago just how to pull my strings when he really wanted somethin'. And he wanted this case in a big way. And as he stood there starin' at me with that little-boy grin and that "pretty please" look in his wide, blue eyes, I knew I didn't stand a chance. My resolve crumbling, I felt myself goin' along with him, and Amanda McKay became our new client.
But that didn't mean I trusted her. Even if she hadn't committed the murder, she was still hidin' somethin', I was sure of it.
And in between investigating the other female suspects who'd made the "list", I decided to do a little investigating of my own--on her. And I didn't like what I found out. Neither would A.J. But like it or not, he had to be told.
He wasn't too happy, though, when I showed up at his house and laid out my suspicions. A.J. had fallen for Amanda, and fallen hard, and he didn't want to hear that she might not be the woman she claimed to be. Not a minute later, the beautiful mystery woman came downstairs from the bedroom. The two of them were wearin' bathrobes and it wasn't even dark outside yet, and I didn't need to be a rocket scientist to realize that she and my brother had gotten awfully cozy, awfully fast.
I was ticked off to begin with, but just seein' her standin' there all innocent and sweet, and knowin' of her little deception, I lost it, and started shoutin' at her, tellin' her I'd paid a little visit to her job. She started screamin' back at me, sayin' she wasn't payin' me to investigate her, and that she didn't want her boss to know what was goin' on. I told her I could understand that just fine; what I couldn't understand was why on earth the guy she claimed to work for had never even heard of her! I wasn't sure just who I was workin' for here, but I sure as hell wasn't gonna risk my neck for her because she was sweet on my brother! I never meant for that to come out, at least not the way it sounded, but it did, and it made A.J. so furious he nearly slugged me.
I took a deep breath and restrained myself. I felt lousy enough; the last thing I wanted to do was have a fistfight with my own brother. Maybe I was outta line, and he had a right to be angry. But, hell, I was angry, too. And worried. Couldn't he see that whatever trouble she was mixed up in could get us all killed, and that I was only tryin' to prevent that? A.J. was my little brother, damnit, and there was nothin' I wouldn't do to protect him. Least of all, I didn't wanna see the kid get his heart broken. But, somehow, I almost knew it was gonna happen. I could see it comin', and there wasn't a damn thing I could do
except hope that my instincts turned out to be wrong.
Our investigation came to an end a few days later, and, as it turned out, a man named Klein was responsible for both the murders of Hy Elton and a photographer to cover up his wife's sordid lesbian affair-- a scandal that would've destroyed their lives. So, Amanda had been tellin' the truth about one thing--she was no murderer. And it seemed she really loved my brother, and since I loved him, I knew I had to set things right between the three of us. It wasn't easy, but I managed to muster up the best apology to Amanda that I could, and even gave her a big hug right in front of A.J.
But things were far from over, and neither one of us was prepared for what we were to learn about her a short time later. We'd just met with the police in our office when in walked none other than the man Amanda claimed was her boss--the same man who'd told me he'd never heard of her. Truth is, he wasn't really her "boss", but a government agent whose job was to keep Amanda McKay alive. Her situation was far more desperate than either A.J. or I could've ever imagined, and that awful feelin' I had about my brother gettin' hurt was growin' stronger by the second.
I'll never forget the look on A.J.'s face as the man in the dark suit revealed the startling truth about Amanda--his every word shattering my brother's hopes and dreams to pieces. It seems that three years ago, Amanda had been a key witness in an organized crime case and had been in the witness protection program ever since. She'd been moved twice already, and now, because of that damn "list," and the resulting murders, the publicity would destroy Amanda's cover and put her life in grave danger. At that very moment, she was already on her way to a new location, and a new life, and no one was privy to that information--not me, and not my brother, no matter how much he loved her. Having briskly informed us of this, the man offered an abrupt "I'm sorry," and rushed out of the office, leaving A.J. reeling in stunned disbelief.
But he wasn't about to let it go at that. "Hey! Hey you!" My brother shot up out of his chair and started goin' after the guy. "Hey...I'll find her!" he shouted, "just you wait and see...I'll find her--"
His threats fallin' on deaf ears, he turned around and rushed over to me. The shock and anguish I saw on my little brother's face was enough to break my own heart. He couldn't accept this; he wouldn't!
"I'll find her, Rick!" He cried, a wild look comin' into his blue eyes. "I will find Amanda!" My brother was frantic, talkin' all at once, and I didn't know who he was tryin' harder to convince, me or himself.
"I...I know what kind of music she likes," he stammered, "...a-and that she has a couple of brothers...and--hell, I even know that name of her damned cat! Rick, I can find her! You know that, don't you!?"
Growin' more agitated by the minute, A.J. was startin' to lose it, and I gripped him hard by the shoulders.
"Of course I know that," I said, tryin' my best to reason with him. "If there's anyone who could find her, it's you. You're the best there is."
I paused a moment, knowin' what I was about to say next wasn't gonna make him feel any better. "But think about it, A.J.," I said softly, "if you find her, then so will they." His face paled as my words destroyed the tiny shred of hope he'd been clinging to. "And when they do, they'll kill her."
God knows I hated havin' to say these things to him; he was torn up enough as it was, and I couldn't bear to cause him any more pain. But one way or another he had to face the truth. I knew it was one hell of a bitter pill to swallow, and I wished with all my heart that I could've made it go down easier, but I couldn't. Nobody could.
Without another word, my brother jerked out of my grasp and stormed out of the office. This wasn't fair, damnit, I sighed in frustration. A.J. didn't deserve this. I would've done anything to take away his pain. But I wasn't a magician and I couldn't just snap my fingers and restore his world to perfect order. No, I was only his big brother. And the best I could do was stand by him and be there to pick up the pieces.
***********************
"Lord have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
My heart's in misery
Crazy 'bout my baby
Yes, send her back home to me"
"Stormy Monday"
- T. Bone Walker
*********************************************
My little brother was startin' to worry me. A.J. had the blues, and he had 'em bad. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he hardly said a word to me unless it pertained to a case. And lately, he'd taken to the notion that the only way to ease his heartache was to drink himself into oblivion.
A.J. wasn't exactly a drinkin' man, and the few times he did get drunk was usually because he was tryin' to keep up with me. But for the past week, he was doin' one hell of a job all by himself. When I tried to tell him that he wasn't gonna find comfort at the bottom of a bottle, he gave me a dirty look and started yellin' at me to get off his back, and that I was a fine one to talk. As he seemed to recall, I did have quite a fondness for Tequila. Or had I forgotten that?
Well, maybe he did have a point, but I wasn't about to argue it with him. Right now, A.J. wasn't himself, and as difficult as it was, I knew I had to step back and give him some room. He was so consumed by the pain of losin' Amanda he couldn't see that I was only tryin' to help him. The kid was my brother, my partner, and my best friend in the whole world, and I loved him with all my heart. What hurt him hurt me, and I couldn't bear to stand there and watch him slowly sinkin' lower and lower into despair.
A.J. wasn't home, tonight, either, and I had a feelin'I knew just where to find him. I didn't take me long to track him down. I knew the place, it was a local joint. And sure enough, my brother was there, slumped over the bar, tryin' desperately to dull the pain the only way he knew how. God only knows how much he'd had to drink, and he seemed to be slurrin' somethin' to the bartender. As I stood a ways back for a moment, the sight of my little brother steeped in such misery brought tears to my eyes. He was eatin' himself up inside and it was killin' me to have to watch it. I had to do somethin' to help him.
Suddenly, he turned, and saw me. "Hi, Rick," he said, a blank look on his face. I walked slowly over to him. "I think it's time we said goodnight, don't you, A.J.?"
He just nodded impassively, and offered no resistance as I lifted him up from his barstool. Our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, we slowly made our way out of the bar. I even managed to get him into the power wagon without either of us breakin' our necks.
As soon as we got back to the house, I helped A.J. over to the couch. He sank down on it, leaned his head back and closed his eyes. But if he thought he was gonna just sleep it off again, he was very much mistaken. He couldn't go on like this, or he was gonna destroy himself. I'd backed off, tried to give him space, but things were only gettin' worse. And I couldn't stand around much longer watchin' my brother throw his life away. I was gonna make him talk to me, get him to face up to his pain instead of tryin' to bury it.
My mind made up, I sat down on the couch next to him.
"A.J. look at me," I said firmly, shaking his shoulder. "Come on, sit up and listen to me."
"Huh?" Blinking, he slowly turned to me with weary, bloodshot eyes. "Too...tired...R-Rick," he slurred, trying to wave me off. "Not now--I jus' wanna go t'sleep."
"No, A.J., you are not just gonna go to sleep!" I yelled. Surprised, he managed to push himself up a little straighter. "We have to talk. You gotta let this out and get on with your life. And drinkin' yourself to death ain't the answer!" A look of pain flashed across his face. God, I hated being so rough on him, but I was just so damn scared of losin' him I didn't know what else to do.
"I know it's gonna hurt like hell, A.J.," I said softly, "but I'm gonna be there every step of the way with you--you know that."
A.J. sat up and started shakin' his head, his blue eyes suddenly widening in fright. "I can't, Rick," he whispered. "Please...I can't talk about...Amanda. Don't make me. Hurts...too much."
He sure as hell wasn't makin' it any easier for me, I thought. Sliding closer, I put a hand on his shoulder. "I know, kid," I sighed, "believe me, I know. But the pain's never gonna go 'way if you keep it locked up inside."
For a moment, he just sat there starin' at me. "I loved her, Rick," he said finally, his voice starting to quiver. "I really loved her."
"I know you did, A.J." I squeezed his shoulder, tryin' to swallow down the boulder-sized lump that had suddenly formed in my throat.
"She said she loved me, too, y'know," he went on, tears shimmering in his blue eyes. "She...left me a note. She loved me, Rick." A.J. slowly nodded, his lower lip starting to tremble. "She loved me. If I could just see her once more, hold her--"
"It hurts so much," he said, his voice filled with anguish. "I can't stop thinking about her. I see her everywhere...I dream about her. I love her." He raised his hands helplessly, his tears starting to fall.
"God, Rick, I love her...what am I gonna do?" He looked at me, his eyes pleadin' for answers I didn't have. All I could give him was the truth.
"There's nothin' you can do," I sighed, "except to let go. A.J., you just gotta let go."
He knew I was right, and just nodded silently as tears spilled down his face. It was as if the bottom had dropped out of his world. Exhausted, and overwhelmed with grief he could no longer contain, my brother leaned against me, buried his head in my shoulder, and started to cry.
"I'm sorry, A.J.," I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. "I am so damn sorry. Just let it out. It's gonna be okay. I'm here." I didn't know what else to say or do to comfort him, so I just sat there holding my little brother tight, pattin' his back and talkin' softly as he sobbed his heart out over a woman he loved but could never have. He cried and cried until I thought his heart would literally burst, and before long, the poor kid wound up cryin' himself to sleep.
As gently as I could, I eased my sleeping younger brother over my shoulders and carried him upstairs to his bedroom. I laid him down on the bed, took off his shoes, and pulled the covers up over him. I'd sleep downstairs on the couch, just in case he needed me.
Feelin' a thousand years old, I just stood there watchin' over him for a moment, makin' sure he was okay. It was second nature to me, and somethin' I'd been doin' his whole life, it seemed, in some way or another. From the first day mom laid him in his crib, I promised I'd always take care of him. And I didn't expect it was somethin' I could ever stop doin'. I guess when you were a big brother, it just went with the territory.
"I love you, Kid," I whispered. "Everything's gonna be all right." Yep, in about a hundred years or so, everything was gonna be just fine, for all of us.
End.
**********************************************
I really appreciate your feedback. It keeps me writing!
Of course,if you don't like something, or I take the guys
too far out of character, please let me know.
Thanks!
Loraine
Sonraie@aol.com
"The List" is one of my favorite episodes. It really shows the loyalty and love that runs deep between the two brothers and how, when it comes down to it, they will always be there for each other. Rather than using Rick's famous last words as a title for this story (since I think that has already been done), I decided, instead, to title this after the melancholy blues song that A.J. and Amanda both loved. So, here's my version of "Stormy Monday." I hope you like it.
*****************************************************************
Stormy Monday
by Loraine
"They call it stormy Monday,
but Tuesday's just as bad
They call it stormy Monday,
but Tuesday's just as bad
Wednesday's worse,
and Thursday's also sad..."
"Stormy Monday"
-T. Bone Walker
***********************************************
I knew she was trouble the minute I laid eyes on her, and I didn't need to be Phillip Marlowe to figure it out. Just the way she came walkin' out of the fog that night like a damn ghost made my hackles rise. She was a dark-haired, dark-eyed mystery woman in a trenchcoat who could've come from straight outta one of those detective novels A.J. was always readin.' And judgin' by the look on my younger brother's face, I had the feelin' the trouble was only gonna get worse.
Everyone has a story, and we've heard them all, but somethin' about her's just didn't sit well with me. A well-known, but by no means well-regarded, magazine publisher by the name of Hy Elton had been murdered, and she was about to become one of the prime suspects. And it was all because of some silly "list" he'd put her on, namely, "The Ten Sexiest Women in San Diego." While I didn't see a problem with this, the girl was adamantly against the whole idea. As far as she was concerned, it was nothin' but a nuisance. She felt her privacy was bein' invaded, and she was fed up with people sneakin' around snappin' pictures of her. Determined to get herself taken off the list, she went to Elton's house to plead her case--and found him dead.
When I asked her why she didn't just go straight to the police, this really seemed to spook her. She got real uptight and started insisting she couldn't do that, and that we couldn't ask why. While I was gettin' a real bad feelin' about her, my brother, on the other hand, seemed to be hangin' on her every word, gazin' at her like she was some enchantress from another world. Somethin' about her had him mesmerized, and I could tell the kid was completely taken with her.
My instincts tellin' me to put the breaks on this, and fast, I told her I didn't think we could help her. But A.J. wasn't about to give this one up and decided we needed to have a quick conference in the living room, which was just fine with me.
I told him point blank to let her go, that she was trouble, and that I didn't want any part of it. But my younger brother had learned years ago just how to pull my strings when he really wanted somethin'. And he wanted this case in a big way. And as he stood there starin' at me with that little-boy grin and that "pretty please" look in his wide, blue eyes, I knew I didn't stand a chance. My resolve crumbling, I felt myself goin' along with him, and Amanda McKay became our new client.
But that didn't mean I trusted her. Even if she hadn't committed the murder, she was still hidin' somethin', I was sure of it.
And in between investigating the other female suspects who'd made the "list", I decided to do a little investigating of my own--on her. And I didn't like what I found out. Neither would A.J. But like it or not, he had to be told.
He wasn't too happy, though, when I showed up at his house and laid out my suspicions. A.J. had fallen for Amanda, and fallen hard, and he didn't want to hear that she might not be the woman she claimed to be. Not a minute later, the beautiful mystery woman came downstairs from the bedroom. The two of them were wearin' bathrobes and it wasn't even dark outside yet, and I didn't need to be a rocket scientist to realize that she and my brother had gotten awfully cozy, awfully fast.
I was ticked off to begin with, but just seein' her standin' there all innocent and sweet, and knowin' of her little deception, I lost it, and started shoutin' at her, tellin' her I'd paid a little visit to her job. She started screamin' back at me, sayin' she wasn't payin' me to investigate her, and that she didn't want her boss to know what was goin' on. I told her I could understand that just fine; what I couldn't understand was why on earth the guy she claimed to work for had never even heard of her! I wasn't sure just who I was workin' for here, but I sure as hell wasn't gonna risk my neck for her because she was sweet on my brother! I never meant for that to come out, at least not the way it sounded, but it did, and it made A.J. so furious he nearly slugged me.
I took a deep breath and restrained myself. I felt lousy enough; the last thing I wanted to do was have a fistfight with my own brother. Maybe I was outta line, and he had a right to be angry. But, hell, I was angry, too. And worried. Couldn't he see that whatever trouble she was mixed up in could get us all killed, and that I was only tryin' to prevent that? A.J. was my little brother, damnit, and there was nothin' I wouldn't do to protect him. Least of all, I didn't wanna see the kid get his heart broken. But, somehow, I almost knew it was gonna happen. I could see it comin', and there wasn't a damn thing I could do
except hope that my instincts turned out to be wrong.
Our investigation came to an end a few days later, and, as it turned out, a man named Klein was responsible for both the murders of Hy Elton and a photographer to cover up his wife's sordid lesbian affair-- a scandal that would've destroyed their lives. So, Amanda had been tellin' the truth about one thing--she was no murderer. And it seemed she really loved my brother, and since I loved him, I knew I had to set things right between the three of us. It wasn't easy, but I managed to muster up the best apology to Amanda that I could, and even gave her a big hug right in front of A.J.
But things were far from over, and neither one of us was prepared for what we were to learn about her a short time later. We'd just met with the police in our office when in walked none other than the man Amanda claimed was her boss--the same man who'd told me he'd never heard of her. Truth is, he wasn't really her "boss", but a government agent whose job was to keep Amanda McKay alive. Her situation was far more desperate than either A.J. or I could've ever imagined, and that awful feelin' I had about my brother gettin' hurt was growin' stronger by the second.
I'll never forget the look on A.J.'s face as the man in the dark suit revealed the startling truth about Amanda--his every word shattering my brother's hopes and dreams to pieces. It seems that three years ago, Amanda had been a key witness in an organized crime case and had been in the witness protection program ever since. She'd been moved twice already, and now, because of that damn "list," and the resulting murders, the publicity would destroy Amanda's cover and put her life in grave danger. At that very moment, she was already on her way to a new location, and a new life, and no one was privy to that information--not me, and not my brother, no matter how much he loved her. Having briskly informed us of this, the man offered an abrupt "I'm sorry," and rushed out of the office, leaving A.J. reeling in stunned disbelief.
But he wasn't about to let it go at that. "Hey! Hey you!" My brother shot up out of his chair and started goin' after the guy. "Hey...I'll find her!" he shouted, "just you wait and see...I'll find her--"
His threats fallin' on deaf ears, he turned around and rushed over to me. The shock and anguish I saw on my little brother's face was enough to break my own heart. He couldn't accept this; he wouldn't!
"I'll find her, Rick!" He cried, a wild look comin' into his blue eyes. "I will find Amanda!" My brother was frantic, talkin' all at once, and I didn't know who he was tryin' harder to convince, me or himself.
"I...I know what kind of music she likes," he stammered, "...a-and that she has a couple of brothers...and--hell, I even know that name of her damned cat! Rick, I can find her! You know that, don't you!?"
Growin' more agitated by the minute, A.J. was startin' to lose it, and I gripped him hard by the shoulders.
"Of course I know that," I said, tryin' my best to reason with him. "If there's anyone who could find her, it's you. You're the best there is."
I paused a moment, knowin' what I was about to say next wasn't gonna make him feel any better. "But think about it, A.J.," I said softly, "if you find her, then so will they." His face paled as my words destroyed the tiny shred of hope he'd been clinging to. "And when they do, they'll kill her."
God knows I hated havin' to say these things to him; he was torn up enough as it was, and I couldn't bear to cause him any more pain. But one way or another he had to face the truth. I knew it was one hell of a bitter pill to swallow, and I wished with all my heart that I could've made it go down easier, but I couldn't. Nobody could.
Without another word, my brother jerked out of my grasp and stormed out of the office. This wasn't fair, damnit, I sighed in frustration. A.J. didn't deserve this. I would've done anything to take away his pain. But I wasn't a magician and I couldn't just snap my fingers and restore his world to perfect order. No, I was only his big brother. And the best I could do was stand by him and be there to pick up the pieces.
***********************
"Lord have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
My heart's in misery
Crazy 'bout my baby
Yes, send her back home to me"
"Stormy Monday"
- T. Bone Walker
*********************************************
My little brother was startin' to worry me. A.J. had the blues, and he had 'em bad. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he hardly said a word to me unless it pertained to a case. And lately, he'd taken to the notion that the only way to ease his heartache was to drink himself into oblivion.
A.J. wasn't exactly a drinkin' man, and the few times he did get drunk was usually because he was tryin' to keep up with me. But for the past week, he was doin' one hell of a job all by himself. When I tried to tell him that he wasn't gonna find comfort at the bottom of a bottle, he gave me a dirty look and started yellin' at me to get off his back, and that I was a fine one to talk. As he seemed to recall, I did have quite a fondness for Tequila. Or had I forgotten that?
Well, maybe he did have a point, but I wasn't about to argue it with him. Right now, A.J. wasn't himself, and as difficult as it was, I knew I had to step back and give him some room. He was so consumed by the pain of losin' Amanda he couldn't see that I was only tryin' to help him. The kid was my brother, my partner, and my best friend in the whole world, and I loved him with all my heart. What hurt him hurt me, and I couldn't bear to stand there and watch him slowly sinkin' lower and lower into despair.
A.J. wasn't home, tonight, either, and I had a feelin'I knew just where to find him. I didn't take me long to track him down. I knew the place, it was a local joint. And sure enough, my brother was there, slumped over the bar, tryin' desperately to dull the pain the only way he knew how. God only knows how much he'd had to drink, and he seemed to be slurrin' somethin' to the bartender. As I stood a ways back for a moment, the sight of my little brother steeped in such misery brought tears to my eyes. He was eatin' himself up inside and it was killin' me to have to watch it. I had to do somethin' to help him.
Suddenly, he turned, and saw me. "Hi, Rick," he said, a blank look on his face. I walked slowly over to him. "I think it's time we said goodnight, don't you, A.J.?"
He just nodded impassively, and offered no resistance as I lifted him up from his barstool. Our arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, we slowly made our way out of the bar. I even managed to get him into the power wagon without either of us breakin' our necks.
As soon as we got back to the house, I helped A.J. over to the couch. He sank down on it, leaned his head back and closed his eyes. But if he thought he was gonna just sleep it off again, he was very much mistaken. He couldn't go on like this, or he was gonna destroy himself. I'd backed off, tried to give him space, but things were only gettin' worse. And I couldn't stand around much longer watchin' my brother throw his life away. I was gonna make him talk to me, get him to face up to his pain instead of tryin' to bury it.
My mind made up, I sat down on the couch next to him.
"A.J. look at me," I said firmly, shaking his shoulder. "Come on, sit up and listen to me."
"Huh?" Blinking, he slowly turned to me with weary, bloodshot eyes. "Too...tired...R-Rick," he slurred, trying to wave me off. "Not now--I jus' wanna go t'sleep."
"No, A.J., you are not just gonna go to sleep!" I yelled. Surprised, he managed to push himself up a little straighter. "We have to talk. You gotta let this out and get on with your life. And drinkin' yourself to death ain't the answer!" A look of pain flashed across his face. God, I hated being so rough on him, but I was just so damn scared of losin' him I didn't know what else to do.
"I know it's gonna hurt like hell, A.J.," I said softly, "but I'm gonna be there every step of the way with you--you know that."
A.J. sat up and started shakin' his head, his blue eyes suddenly widening in fright. "I can't, Rick," he whispered. "Please...I can't talk about...Amanda. Don't make me. Hurts...too much."
He sure as hell wasn't makin' it any easier for me, I thought. Sliding closer, I put a hand on his shoulder. "I know, kid," I sighed, "believe me, I know. But the pain's never gonna go 'way if you keep it locked up inside."
For a moment, he just sat there starin' at me. "I loved her, Rick," he said finally, his voice starting to quiver. "I really loved her."
"I know you did, A.J." I squeezed his shoulder, tryin' to swallow down the boulder-sized lump that had suddenly formed in my throat.
"She said she loved me, too, y'know," he went on, tears shimmering in his blue eyes. "She...left me a note. She loved me, Rick." A.J. slowly nodded, his lower lip starting to tremble. "She loved me. If I could just see her once more, hold her--"
"It hurts so much," he said, his voice filled with anguish. "I can't stop thinking about her. I see her everywhere...I dream about her. I love her." He raised his hands helplessly, his tears starting to fall.
"God, Rick, I love her...what am I gonna do?" He looked at me, his eyes pleadin' for answers I didn't have. All I could give him was the truth.
"There's nothin' you can do," I sighed, "except to let go. A.J., you just gotta let go."
He knew I was right, and just nodded silently as tears spilled down his face. It was as if the bottom had dropped out of his world. Exhausted, and overwhelmed with grief he could no longer contain, my brother leaned against me, buried his head in my shoulder, and started to cry.
"I'm sorry, A.J.," I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. "I am so damn sorry. Just let it out. It's gonna be okay. I'm here." I didn't know what else to say or do to comfort him, so I just sat there holding my little brother tight, pattin' his back and talkin' softly as he sobbed his heart out over a woman he loved but could never have. He cried and cried until I thought his heart would literally burst, and before long, the poor kid wound up cryin' himself to sleep.
As gently as I could, I eased my sleeping younger brother over my shoulders and carried him upstairs to his bedroom. I laid him down on the bed, took off his shoes, and pulled the covers up over him. I'd sleep downstairs on the couch, just in case he needed me.
Feelin' a thousand years old, I just stood there watchin' over him for a moment, makin' sure he was okay. It was second nature to me, and somethin' I'd been doin' his whole life, it seemed, in some way or another. From the first day mom laid him in his crib, I promised I'd always take care of him. And I didn't expect it was somethin' I could ever stop doin'. I guess when you were a big brother, it just went with the territory.
"I love you, Kid," I whispered. "Everything's gonna be all right." Yep, in about a hundred years or so, everything was gonna be just fine, for all of us.
End.
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I really appreciate your feedback. It keeps me writing!
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too far out of character, please let me know.
Thanks!
Loraine
Sonraie@aol.com