The aptitude test was meant to determine our place within the factions. The aptitude test has been haunting me for a year now, waiting for me just over the horizon with the promise that maybe now I'll know who I am. We spend all of our school years in limbo, waiting to find out where we belong, to find out if we are selfless, brave, smart, honest, or kind. Its nearly impossible to focus on the homework and classes when you're constantly analyzing your every behavior trying to guess the answer to a question you haven't even been asked yet.
Each of us has grown up in our parents faction, held at arm's length from really being a part of it until the day we get to choose arrives. What they don't tell you is how much pressure there is to stay in the faction where you were raised. When someone chooses a faction that is different then their families they won't ever get to speak to their families again. The residence of each faction don't mingle with each other beyond what's necessary to keep our society running. A majority of inter faction relations are done by faction leaders. Faction before blood as they say. Whats worse is the way the families of defectors are treated. There are people who feel those parents raised a traitor. There are negative implications for any faction who sees a large number of defectors. When the people in charge get uncomfortable, when they feel they have been made to look bad, it's the families that are left behind that pay the price. They become social pariahs in most cases.
Knowing that wont change my decision. In fact, without even taking my aptitude test I know there isn't a chance in hell I'll be staying in Amity any longer than I have to. The aptitude test is kept secret. None of us know what will happen or how exactly they will be testing us and once it's over we are forbidden to discuss our results. You are not required to make your choice based on your results but doing anything else would be dooming yourself to a life of misery trapped where you don't belong struggling to fit in. These are all the things going through my head as i sit in my room unable to sleep in the early morning hours before my aptitude test.
There are a lot of reasons that I can't stay in Amity but right now looking out my window over the fields I can't help but realize how much I'll miss the beauty of an Amity sunrise. I have a few hours until it's time to get ready, before I'll know if my aptitude says I belong somewhere else or if I'll just be fleeing to another place I don't belong in. My whole life has been this twisted game of hide and seek. Amity is supposed to be the faction of kindness everyone regards us as the most peaceful. I guess all the banjo playing, hand holding, and free love doesn't help our reputation as a bunch of hippies. My family however is far from peaceful not that anyone sees it. My mother has a way of talking to you like your the worst thing that ever happened to her. She uses disappointment and failure like weapons to take away all of your dignity. She never physically hurt me which is why it took me so long to realize what she was doing, why she didn't act like my friends moms.
I had to try and hide in the amity community, pretending to be happy and carefree while every second here felt like I was caving in on myself, too hollow to project the kind of love and happiness I saw all around me. The people of amity know how to see people's pain they learn to recognize it in a person's posture so that they can comfort anyone who needs it. If I failed to blend in, If someone had to administer peace serum to me, then it was worse, my mother would corner me when I got home and tear me to shreds. She would tell me how I was ruining the family reputation and giving Amity a bad name, She would pull apart all of my flaws and weaknesses until I was crying in my bedroom with the door locked from the outside, She would tell the people of Amity that I was just really would say that anything could make me cry because I was emotional and sometimes she even tried to play off my tears as tears of joy. For the most part it worked. No one seemed to realize what our home was like when the curtains were drawn.
Today is the aptitude test and tomorrow is the choosing ceremony, one more day and I'll be free. Freedom is the one thing that really makes me 'Amity happy' just the thought that I can leave and never come back is all I need to get through the rest of today. Who knows maybe I'll behave so Amity my mother won't have anything to complain about when I get home. Maybe I'll finally blend in the day before I leave for good. As the sun breaks over the horizon and the pinks and purples begin to fade to a dusky blue I decide it's time to get ready. The aptitude test is administered alphabetically which means I'll be one of the first to go.
After I get dressed in my Amity red pants and yellow tank top I climb down the side of my house from my bedroom window barefoot. I leave my shoes behind so I can keep a better grip on the wooden siding with my toes. My bedroom is locked from the outside like it is every night and I know I'll have to get back before my mother comes to wake me at 7:30 for now though It's only 5 and I still have time. I head straight for the fields running through them as fast as I can feeling the dew on the grass wet my pant legs. I know exactly where I'm headed and I let the feeling of my lungs burning and my muscles aching fuel me as I close in on my destination. Back behind the fields there is a sort of invisible border. No one goes beyond it into the small patch of woods that separates the fields from the fences, no one that is except for me. Years ago I found an old run down log cabin back here, some sort of outpost for guards on the fence. For whatever reason they stopped using it and it became my early morning sanctuary instead. This is where I go to clear my mind. I run laps around the cabin and do push ups I even made a punching bag. There was a thick wool blanket in one of the closets so I filled it with loose dirt from the woods and tied it off at the top. I used the same rope that I tied it off with to hang the bag from a support beams and I have been practicing as best I could to prepare myself for the choice I'll make. The choice that will finally give me strength. All I've ever wanted to be is Dauntless.
I still remember how hard it was to hoist the heavy bag of dirt up into the air with the rope. How my muscles strained and my back hurt and sweat pooled all over my skin like it never had before. It took a long time but I managed to do it all on my own as a skinny 11 year old girl and I had never felt more proud of myself than I did that day. At first when I punched the bag it hung there like a log without so much as budging. I started keeping a closer watch on the dauntless kids, waiting for them to get into fights so I could watch how the punched. I even read a book on fight techniques that was kept in the library at school. Soon enough the bag was swaying and rocking under the force of my hits and i felt powerful for the first time, but even now all these years later I doubt my choice. Is it enough just to want it? Doesn't fleeing my mother make me a coward? Will my aptitude test even say that I'm Dauntless? Could it be anything else?
I try to shake my doubts loose and focus instead on the feeling of the punching bag under my fists. Right ,Right, Left. Kick. Right, Right, Left. Kick. I pummel and pound the bag until my breathing is labored and my shoulders ache. I swing harder now picturing my mother's disappointed face at tomorrow's ceremony. I know what she will do, she will sit quietly in the parents section and she will stick her bottom jaw out and harden her eyes just like she does every time she gets mad. Even from across the room I know I will feel her stare like daggers in my chest. She didn't know she was building a warrior. She didn't know she was teaching me to withstand pain and anger. She doesn't know I'm strong but she will know. Tomorrow she will know and so will everyone else. Everyone who believed her lies or looked the other way will see me up there and they will know I'm Dauntless. As I swing again I feel the fabric of the bag tear under my fist and all the dirt from within begins to pour out onto my feet. I lean on my knees as I try to catch my breath watching the dirt make the leap to the wood floor in astonishment. Maybe it was years of abuse that made this bag finally tear or maybe I'm getting stronger. I can't help the smile that spreads over my face or the giggle that passes my lips as I scoop up a handful of dirt. There's no use making another bag so I cut my workout short and begin the run back to my house. It's better this way, Now that my hands and feet are filthy I'll need the extra time to shower before I go in for my test. Excitement surges through my blood as I run, the power I feel helping to keep the smile plastered to my face. At least there's nothing unusual about this piece of me here in Amity. People run around smiling all the time.
I reach the house more quickly than I wanted and I begin placing my hands in their familiar places pushing myself up the side of the house towards my open window. I try not to make much noise as I tumble into my room but I knock my guitar over with my foot and it makes a loud flat sound as the strings are jostled against the neck. Footsteps outside my door send my heart into overdrive and I dive for the bathroom that's attached to my room. The door opens just as I turn the shower water on hoping to cover the sound of my labored breathing. I toss my now dirty clothes into the corner and hop into the shower straining my ears to hear what my mother is doing on the other side of the bathroom door. After what feels like the longest moment of my life there's a soft knock on the bathroom door.
"Yes?" I call to her in a fake singsong voice.
"You shouldn't leave your window open Yuna the wind blew over your grandmother's guitar."
From the safety of the bathroom I roll my eyes. My grandmother's guitar was old, the neck snapped 3 years ago. I was afraid to tell my mother so I went to my teacher with it crying mumbling through my snotty sobs that she was never going to forgive me. She tried to calm me down and she helped me find a guitar that looked just like it so that my mother wouldn't have to know. At the time I was just so glad to have help I didn't realize that my teacher had been actively helping me lie to my mother. We must have done a good job though because she never noticed the switch out. I smile as I begin lathering shampoo into my long red hair.
"Oh, I'm sorry mom! I just thought the sun rise was so beautiful and I wanted to smell the trees."
At least I know I'm not Candor. I lie like this hundreds of times a day just to hold my mother at bay.
"Alright, just be more careful with the things you've been given and hurry up I made you dessert for breakfast, today is a big day."
I hear the door click closed behind her and I make quick work of finishing my shower, making sure not to leave any dirt behind for her to see. As much as I want out of here, my mother is a fantastic cook. My stomach grumbles at the thought of her homemade apple pie waiting for me downstairs. All the running and working out I did certainly worked up an appetite. I get dressed for the second time today and hurry towards the sugary sweet smell that's spreading through the house. She eyes me suspiciously over the table as a wolf down more than my fair share of apple pie.
"You're certainly hungry this morning."
She comments coolly through narrowed eyes. I try to swallow the still hot hunk of apple in my mouth so that I can reply but it sticks on its way down. A hold up a single finger and chug some milk to clear my throat and she raises an eyebrow at my gesture. I try to recover quickly putting on my best apologetic voice before she can get too upset.
" I just can't help myself around your apple pie mom you know that."
I try to smile sweetly at her but my stomach is doing flips and the rage in the back of my head from this morning keeps trying to bubble up. I could use some of that Amity bread right about now. Just seeing her hardened eyes like I did in my mind makes me ball my fists under the table. Sometimes I wonder if everyone here needs that peace serum to keep their anger in check or if it's just me who struggles like this. She nods her head once without returning my smile then leans across the counter in a way that was probably meant to be casual but really just feels intimidating.
"No matter what your test says you're my daughter. You will always belong here with me. I know it's scary the pressures this system puts on kids like you. It's a big decision to be making at such a young age, I know you aren't ready, none of us were then. I saw so many people make the wrong choice and they payed for it the rest of their lives. I know you won't do that though, You'll make the right choice won't you?"
It may have been worded like a question but what she said was an order. the 'right choice' as she so coolly stated was Amity. She expects me to come home tomorrow after the choosing ceremony. Whether she's afraid of being alone or just determined to keep control of me I don't know. I try to sidestep lying to her with half truths and carefully chosen words.
"Of course mom. I've always known where I belong."
I try to smile at her again but I'm afraid it comes across like more of a grimace especially when her narrowed eyes begin boring into mine like she can see my thoughts. My hands are shaking now and I try to hold my head high to hide my fear. Her lips twitch towards a smirk before she grabs the plate from in front of me and tosses it into the trash.
"If you keep eating pie for breakfast you're never going to fit into the dresses I buy for you."
I hated wearing dresses and she knew it though it never stopped her from buying them and hanging them in my closet for me. She looked at me jeans with disapproval as she scolds me for eating as if she hadn't given me the pie. This was the kind of game she was best at. My stomach grumbled again but I ignored it. I knew better than to ask her for more food.
It didn't take long to walk to the building where the test was being administered and because I was so eager to get away from my house I was one of the first to arrive. The only other dependents there this early were a handful of very punctual erudite who had their noses shoved into books. I took a seat against the back wall facing the row of doors to wait. The blue of the Erudites was soon drown out as the gray Abnegation kids and the colorful Amity all began to file in. Some hugged their families tightly, others like me walked in alone. My peers sat in groups and the buzz of excitement was bouncing around the room all that was left was the arrival of Dauntless. No dauntless was ever early, they rode the trains and arrived at exactly the same time every day. I felt excitement wash over me as I approached the window on the wall to the right of the doors, the one that faced the tracks, from here I could watch them all jumping from the still moving train. I wasn't the only one by the window but I could hardly be bothered to notice. The trains loud horn was sounding and the black shapes poured from the open box cars like a thick heavy fog. From somewhere behind me I heard a soft mumble.
"I think they pump the water with testosterone there like Amity's peace bread. Why else would so many people willingly jump from a damn train."
I wasn't sure why this annoyed me so much they weren't my faction, at least not yet but it did bother me. This kid thought he was funny and judging by the snickers that followed his friends must think so too. I turned around sharply letting my ponytail smack anyone who was standing too close.
"Thats funny, looks like you could use a little testosterone limp dick."
I had to fight a blush at my own words. It was way over the line and I had never said anything like that before but there was a thrill in it for me as soon as I saw the look on this kids face. He was a scrawny looking Erudite boy with thick glasses frames that held no lenses. His button down shirt was slightly rumpled and his hair was crisp like he had tried to gel it down and only succeeded in making spikes that jutted out in every direction. His ears turned red and I could practically watch his gears turn behind his eyes that were scrunched up in disbelief. He was struggling to find something to say but he had waited to long and now nothing he said would make a difference. I began walking past him with a smirk shoving into his shoulder just to drive my point home. He stumble backwards and began an angry murmur with his friends as soon as i had gotten 3 steps away.
Once they started calling out names my gut dropped and any remnants of the high my victory brought was lost. I tapped my toe nervously from the back of the room trying to focus. It felt like every tick of the clock was a crash of thunder in the silent room. Everyone here was silent lost in their own worlds.
"Yuna Blackwood"
My head snapped in the direction my name was called. The women standing in the open door was searching the crowd now and I fought the shake in my bones as I stood to move towards her. She was a lovely Dauntless women with purple streaks in her straight black hair. She was covered in tattoos and piercings and she wore a purple and black corset top with leather pants and killer heeled boots. She didn't smile at me as I approached in fact she looked rather bored.
When I entered the room I was hit with my own reflection from every angle. three of the walls were mirrors and in the center of the room was a chair much like a dental chair. I saw her reflection beside mine, the way her hair shone under the lights while mine looked dry and dull. Her bright golden brown eyes lined with dark makeup meeting my light blue in the mirror. I was her height even though she wore those shoes but i felt so small. She had such a confident presence she was larger than life. I looked like winnie the pooh in my red shirt and yellow pants. She gestured for me to sit in the chair between us. I moved too quickly to comply knocking my knee into the edge and hissing at impact. She still said nothing just rolling her eyes with her back turned. If it weren't for the mirrors I never would have known. After I was settled into the chair she pulled a rolling office chair up beside me while she held a small glass in her hand.
"My name is Tori and I'll be administering your test 'll drink this, in it are microscopic neurotransmitters that will allow me to both administer the simulation testing and allow me to see what your choices are on my own 's happening in your mind will feel real but you won't actually be hurt by anything in the sim. Everyone receives the same choices and everyone chooses differently this will show me your base personality traits so that we can assess where you will fit best. It will take 30 seconds for it to kick in. Drink up."
I stare at the metallic liquid in my hands trying to grasp what she just said. She will be able to see into my mind while I experience something that isn't real? I held the glass under my nose only to realize the liquid was completely odorless. I stirred it around watching the shiny thick substance swirl around. I must have been taking to long because Tori rolled her eyes again leaning back in her chair with a loud sigh. I felt my anger bubbling up again and I to keep myself in check i dive head first into the testing, I throw back the liquid in one gulp slapping my lips after.
"That's the second time you rolled your eyes at me Tori."
I speak to her with a harshness that felt foreign and fantastic as I chuck the empty glass against the only unmirrored wall where it shatters immediately. Tori doesn't even blink as the glass sprays across the room littering the floor by the entrance and as everything fades to black I see her smirk.