A/N Hello people of the internet. I am writing this fanfic as an errant thought. If you enjoy it, I'd appreciate responses and feedback.

Thanks, I hope you enjoy

I wonder sometimes, what you thought when you first heard of me.

Did you question what they told you? Did you assume they were right?

Did they give you my profile, the history of all my perceived wrongs.

Full of all my actual sins.

Did you shudder when you read it?

Or was it just expected. From the son of my father.

I remember the first day I saw you.

Of course, infamous as you are I had already SEEN you.

But this was the first day I really saw who you really were.

I was inhabiting my seventh level of hell. The deep one, that no one except you has ever seen. The one only you can get me out of. I was running from my demons. Using the fail-safe method of drowning them in alcohol.

Maybe next time I should light them on fire.

A thought for the future.

The dingy corner of the dingy corner has always been my safe place. I can hide and blur with the grime on the walls.

Astromo. The home planet of alien dropouts. The home of lowlifes who don;s have the balls to handle Omega. The arseholes on this arse end of the galaxy stayed here during The Reaper War. Apathy saving their lives in this case.

The Reapers weren't bombing under-evolved planets after all.

Altogether, the perfect spot to assimilate with my fellow bastards.

You have to understand, these people weren't my friends, but they weren't my enemies. The devolved cretins of that rock were merely comforting. A lack of a feeling.

The krogan who sat next to me at the bar were I basically lived, didn't give a shit about me.

There was no fucking expectations at all.

The bottle was my therapy. My toxic, beautiful therapy.

I'm telling you this, not to invoke pity, I merely wish to be honest. Honest for you, and for her. So you understand.

Understand me.

Maybe I'm just trying to fake a relationship with you to make my life feel less pathetic.

Because you, your soul and your thoughts. They soothe my scars and still my blood.

And you may not believe me, God knows I've given you plenty of reason to doubt, but I get you.

Your craving for someone, anyone, to understand you. But at the same time, that fear you have, that amongst all the bullshit and all the shitheads you know who will never get you, there might actually be one who does.

And then rejects you totally.

Would I let myself stop worrying I wonder? If this was our final day alive, and whatever the next day brought didn't matter because we'd be fucking dead.

And that's were the uncertainty lies.

Is whatever we have between us nothing but a convenient lie?

Even though you are so addictive to me.

And all this shit is fucking with my head.

Because there is no shame in you, cause your fucking perfect.

I knew that, the moment I laid my eyes on you.

The REAL fucking you.

The vid screen in the top corner of the packed and noisy club had crackled to life. For the first time in for months, the fucking thing got a bloody feed.

Needless to say, pins could be heard dropping.

A bulletin was flashing on the screen.

WE WON! COMMANDER SHEPARD SAVES US ALL!

But my fellow drunks didn't cheer for the victory. An audible sigh of despair almost ran through the room. The very inevitability had freed us you see. It gave our purposeless existences reason. We were given a deadline and the subtle nod that if we were going to fuck up ourselves, it might as well be now. We were all supposed to end up dead and for once their lives, my life, actually made sense.

Then you, the galactic hero, stopped the inevitable.

And in that moment, I hated you more than I hate my father.

But then I saw you.

A single photo. A still of your brittle, bruised and near dead body. Lying in a hospital somewhere.

And life suddenly felt clear.

You were nothing like what my father had told me.

I didn't any misguided idealism on your face. Your brow wasn't weighed down by your allegiance to aliens.

I didn't see the evil I had been trained to see.

My father had always told me that humans who betrayed Cerberus, by extension humanity, only deserved one thing.

A bullet between the eyes.

And you.

Commander Shepard.

You were the biggest traitor of them all.

You asked me once, what I felt when I found out my father was dead.

Too busy to notice I had said.

Truthfully, my father is never dead. He exists within the corners of my mind. Lurking ever more, with any sent of bourbon or cigarettes triggering his brow to lift as he examines me. A silhouette surrounded in suspended light and dark.

An Illusive Man to everyone, but none more so than me.

His son.

He didn't think much of you towards the end of his delusional fantasies and his descriptions of you... Make me want to resurrect and kill him again.

But still, I never expected you to be so human.

So... perfect.

The day I first saw you...saw your pain, was the start of the end of us both I think.

It was two weeks after the first vid feed had come through. Two soldiers, Alliance, in full uniform walked in the door. They gazed around the bar; pinpointing the barkeep in their harsh gazes. Striding towards him, one of them raised a picture on their omni-tool and near shoved it under the man's face.

'Have you seen this man?'

The keep's gaze flicked to me for a second and the officers followed his line of sight.

For a second the stare off lasted before I biotically burst out of my chair charging out of the front door upturning tables and chairs in my wake.

Only to find myself surrounded by a line of guns pointed at my head.

The air thickened with the tension, and I realised I was still holding a tequila bottle in my hand. The armour joints on the soldier's limbs barely creaked as they lined me up.

The hatred had rolled off them in tidal waves.

After a few seconds that lasted a lifetime a woman stepped forward clad in a skin tight catsuit.

I recognized her straight away.

It was Miranda Lawson, your favourite XO.

And at the time my least favourite fan.

'Get on your knees'

I, of all things, laughed at her grim expression.

'And why' I chuckled 'Would I do that?'

She scowled at me, I'll remember that look forever, and cocked her gun at my head.

'You are under arrest for terrorist activity.'

I gasped at her serious tone.

I didn't understand why they were coming after me. My father was the leader of Cerberus.

I didn't understand, how they knew who I was.

My father made sure that I didn't exist.

I cocked my head at her and grinned slyly.

'You have the wrong man.'

She just contemplated me in silence before she replied.

'Your father is dead. The Council has access to all of Cerberus' records. They know who you are and what you've done.'

My father was dead. They knew who I was?

They knew... Everything?

And at the time, I had a bit of an anger management problem.

A red haze clouded my sight.

My father had fucked me over once again.

My biotics rolled off me, shaking the men who were formed around me.

Miranda tried to reach for me, but I was beyond reasoning.

I... Exploded the air around me.

The skycars, the men, Miranda, the buildings... They all flattened and flew away from me.

And suddenly I was standing in my own, empty and silent crater.

And I did what I always did.

I ran.

I ran from the screaming, the crying, the sirens.

A ran from the illusive ghost on my heels.

I ran towards you.

Later that night, as I sat hunched in the pouring rain waiting to jump on the back of a cargo ship to Omega the only thing I could imagine was what your eyes looked like.

And they how they would burn through my soul.

I am the son of the Illusive Man.

My name is Alex Harper.

And I love you Commander Shepard.

A/N I would love reviews, so please feel free!