Change
Nabikanai nagasarenaiyo
Ima kanjiru koto ni tsunao de itai no
Atashi wa atashi rashiku
I WANNA CHANGE

- miwa, chAngE

After the last speck of dust had disappeared - and all of them had evaded her fingers - Orihime started to scream.

Looking at the world that suddenly seemed different, she could see only what was not to seen any more. Like after having looked at the sun, you're left with its image under your eye-lids, before her eyes, like a ghost image, there was a shadow, a very essence of emptiness that was no longer there.

For the first time in her life, Orihime saw, reflected in the dark surface of nothingness, herself, just as she was. And she started to scream, for it was already too late to escape it.

Up till now, she couldn't even scream. Her lungs and mouth, her heart and soul, her mind and will had kept silent. Her words had been quiet. Her gaze had been furtive. Her feelings had been repressed. Orihime Inoue had always known what kind of person she should be, how to behave and what she had been expected of. She had been a master in playing a part others had put her into. She couldn't have imagined anything better. Nothing else would have suited her better.

Everything she had been done so far she had done for others. Doing everything for others had been the only reality she could accept. She could not agree for anything else. Stand up, bow, smile. Make a meal, clean your room, do your homework. Cure, fix, save.

If they hadn't wanted anything from her... if she had been capable of nothing... she wouldn't have ever existed. A mirror would have reflected nothing... Right?

Still, Ulquiorra had turned to dust, ashes and oblivion, and never before had she been so aware of his existence.

Her reflection in his eyes, underlined by a smile as magic as the eternal moon of Hueco Mundo, had shown her the whole truth of her being. She had been in his eyes because she had been. No need to be anyone else.

Now even those eyes were gone.

She kept screaming because she couldn't do otherwise. Self-pity, sadomasochistic mortification and constant, never-ceasing reproaching herself for being week... Now she realized they had served only as a background for Kurosaki-kun's one look - and Kurosaki-kun's one look had obtained magical power indeed and driven away all evil of world, for many hours. The more she had sunk into her own futility, the happier she had turned due to a small gesture. And everything had been al-right again.

After all, there had never been anyone else in her world. In the end, it had been her good that had mattered.

She kept screaming because she couldn't run away. Oh, she could, of course she could. There was nothing easier than that. And she knew this voice like she knew her own reflection - and she knew those words it whispered to her. You're good. You're kind. You're brave. No-one will hurt you. It's not your fault. Be as you are. Let them take care of you. Don't worry about it. It can pain you a bit, but everything will be okay. Forget it. Don't take it to heart. It doesn't matter. Oh, you may cry. It will all flow away with tears.

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to change. You don't have to think.

She kept screaming because she couldn't - was not allowed - didn't want - couldn't believe this voice. The first time in her life.

In the end, everything had turned against others. In the end, it was others that suffered.

It was her fault. Only her.

One had lost his soul and mind, and life, and heart, and everything that he had ever hold dear - for her? No, because of her. He was standing there, not so far, breathing heavily and trying not to give in to the madness - this well understood one, this evoked by the madness that had been imposed on him. He was left with the consciousness he had done something he had never wanted, never intended, never could do. He was left with yet another wound she had never been aware of. Staring in his eyes, she had knowingly ignored his gaze - for it hadn't been what she had desired to see. Her lust had devoured her and him, and what had once been beautiful had been reduced to the most primitive instincts.

She had only wanted him to save her.

Another was lying nearby, curled, catching his breath and only trying to catch his life that was flowing from him along with blood. For he had agreed to her and hadn't agreed for anything else. He had been repaid with a betrayal that had hurt him more severely than the Zanpakutō . His figure had always been there - useful, helpful, supporting. Offering an arm and a wise word. Staring in other eyes, she had been indifferent to his look. Her pride had devoured her and him, and what had once been beautiful had been trampled and threw away like an used up handkerchief.

She had only wanted him to follow her.

Third one had turned to ashes. The only one that had looked at her with his own eyes and seen her as she had been. His eyes had seen everything, but she had pushed him back as well.

She hadn't wanted anything from him. She hadn't even seen him.

Now, for the first time in her life, she saw everything. Once, she would have shed a tear, smiled and continue living with no afterthought and no need to change. Once - a moment ago - Kurosaki's one breath would have set the world going round again. As if nothing had happened.

Now she could apprehend it had happened. Only now she could really change.

Her scream ceased. She looked at him, swaying and looking around and inside of him with the eyes of a lunatic. Arigatō . She looked at him, whose eyes, filled with pain, were fading every minute. Arigatō . She squeezed the invisible hand, feeling a pulsating heart under her fingers. Arigatō ...

She looked inside herself, saying goodbye to all her roles, poses, smiles, bows, instructions, and orders. Above all, saying goodbye to all the futile promises that had always been so easy to make.

Now she wasn't promising any more.

I want to change.

"Kyozetsu suru!"