Summary: Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The idea came from the song "I'm Coming Over" by Chris Young, lyrics also by him and of course it had to be a Jay and Erin story. I hope you all enjoy this! Please review!
Still Burning
We say goodbye, see you around
We turn our backs then turn back around
We break up, we make up and we make love
We can't seem to let go girl
"So you fight? Get over it. Isn't that what marriage is about?"
"It's a bit more complicated than that, Will." Jay rolled his eyes and chugged the remainder of his now room temperature beer. "We have the kids to think about."
"More reason to fight and have make up sex." Will winked teasing slightly. "Maybe pop out another one?"
"Not gonna happen." Jay adamantly stated. The three kids they had were enough for him. "I think this time is different. Like its officially done. She's got a lawyer, of course Voight's paying for it."
"Utter bullshit if you ask me." Will voiced his opinion. "You two fight? So what. Move on to the next thing. Don't hold the grudge."
"It's just not the fights, Will." Jay played with the tear in the label.
He didn't exactly know how it got like this. Jay remembers the good times. This time last year they were in their own little world, happily in love with each other and now they couldn't stand to be around each other. The fights got worse and worse, beginning over stupid little things that shouldn't have been a fight in the first place.
But now here he is, a month after being kicked out after another little stupid fight that escalated into something that ended with her saying "I want a divorce". That left Jay homeless, marriage less and now residing in his younger brothers guest bedroom.
"Then what was it, Jay because you and Erin were the image of perfection."
Jay just shrugged because he wasn't really sure what it was exactly. Maybe it's the late nights he's been working trying to support his kids and wife or maybe it was her being resentful that he told her that he rather she didn't take the job with the FBI just so the kids have someone home with them at all times. Or maybe it was when he came home with a motorcycle even though Erin was dead set against him having one. He didn't exactly know and she won't exactly inform him of why.
He was speaking from his own past were being a child of an Emergency Department Doctor left him happy that his mom was home with them growing up. He wanted at least one parent with his kids as they aged. They were still young; only ten, six and five and needed a parent there.
"Do you two even talk?" Will was getting to the bottom of this now. He didn't care what his brother thought nor did he care if he was crashing at his place till things calm down but he wanted what was best for him and that was Erin.
Erin brought out a side in Jay that Will hasn't seen in years since they were kids. She made sure his was laughing and happy all the time.
Shelby, Aidan and Lola did that but in another light. They were why he pushed himself all day long. He wanted to give them everything they could imagine in life and tried his best too.
"She called earlier letting me know I can have the kids tonight. She's going out with Kim and if I don't want them Voight will watch them." Jay glanced at the clock on the stove. He had to leave in ten minutes if he wanted to be there on time. "I hate this Will. I shouldn't have to call and ask permission to see my own fucking kids."
"Then try and make it work?" Will didn't know what other advice to give. He's seen how low Jay's been lately. He walks around moping all the time. "Because if not you won't be seeing them every day. Maybe every other weekend."
"Shelby won't even talk to me. A ten year old is dictating a relationship with me. Aidan is acting out in school and Lola doesn't know what's going on. And you know what's worse? Erin blames it all on me. Like this is all my problem." Jay hissed. "It's not my fault she asked me to leave. I didn't want this, she did and yet it's all my fault."
"Because she's angry man, pissed off probably and you're there as an easy target." Will became the voice of reason. "And the kids will come around...I think." Will shrugged. "I'll see you later. I have a hot date tonight. At least one of us will be getting something tonight."
"Nice talking to you." Jay rolled his eyes quickly walked out of the apartment. He was thankful for the cold weather that hit him hard while he walked the four blocks to his old apartment. It gave him time to think and clear his thoughts.
The holiday's were around the corner and Jay had no clue how they were going to deal with it. Voight usually invites everyone over or they'll have everyone over but this year he knows he won't be invited. It will be one lonely Christmas; his kids most likely won't be around, his brother is working and his parents haven't spoken to him in years.
"You're late." Erin said the minute she opened the door. "I told you 6, not 6:05"
"Five minutes late is not bad, Erin. Nice to see you too, by the way." Jay rolled his eyes at her attitude, trying to ignore it.
"Shelby, Aiden, Lola!" Erin called out quickly handing Jay their over night bags. "I'll pick them up tomorrow morning."
"I can keep them for the till Monday, Erin. I'm perfectly capable to get them to school."
Jay didn't know why, maybe it was Voight's ideas, that Erin was purposely keeping his kids from him. What did he do to deserve that?
"I think it's best they stay in their home on a school night, Jay. Who knows what Will is doing and I rather not have the kids around his behavior to much." She stated too coldly for his liking.
"So now because you kicked me out and I had no where to go but to Will's, my brother and their Uncle, and now you're saying that's not acceptable? And for the record Will won't even be there tonight"
Jay waited for her to respond but when Lola's screamed for him Erin shut her mouth.
"Daddy you here's!" Lola's tiny little feet ran at full speed towards Jay who waited with open arms. "You really here's!"
Lola Adeline Halstead was the perfect definition of Daddy's little girl. She could do no wrong in Jay's eyes, especially when she batted her long eye lashes and her bluish green eyes sparkled back at him.
"I told you he would be, Lola" Erin rolled her eyes and Jay just stared at her. "Shelby, Aidan come on!"
"Do we have to go?" Shelby Anne stood in the hallway, arms crossed and a pout placed on her angelic face. She was Erin down to her stubborn personality and her looks.
Jay waited this time for Erin to say something, but she just looked at Jay and kinked a brow causing Jay to let out a sigh. "It will be fun, Shel. We will get whatever you want for dinner and even a movie."
"Whatever." Shelby insisted rolling her hazel eyes.
Jay had to remind himself that she was only six because at this point he felt she was fourteen or fifteen with her attitude. "Shelby please," he warned.
"Aidan!" Erin yelled. She wanted Jay gone because the more time she spent with him or around him the angrier and sadder she became. "I think you have enough toys."
Two seconds later Aidan Voight Halstead joined his family dragging his dinosaur backpack used for first grade filled to the limit with toys. "I need to bring them all, Mommy. I don't know which ones I wanna play with and what if ones here that I want?"
"Then you could wait till the morning when I pick you up." Erin smiled softly. "But this one time I think it will be okay."
"Coats on, shoes on and we are out of here. I think Uncle Will is waiting for you three." Jay smiled trying to get out of the apartment as fast as he could. Too many memories that he didn't want to remember.
"Daddy can we get nuggets and nu nu's for dinner?" Lola asked brushing her curly dirty blonde hair off her shoulder.
"If that is what you want. I'm almost positive your Uncle hasn't eaten it all." Jay teased. "Now come on."
"Be good and I'll see you three in the morning, okay?" Erin gave a quick hug and kiss to the three kids before shoving them out the door gently.
Before the door closed, Jay turned to her "we need to talk about it, Erin."
"That is what the lawyers are for, Jay. Discuss it with them." Erin rolled her eyes frowning.
"That doesn't solve anything. I have a right to get these answers Erin." Jay huffed out loud. "One day you can't decide to just kick me out of my own house."
"I do not need to speak with you. I'm doing you a favor allowing you to see them. I don't need to let you see them." She hissed with such anger, a kind that Jay has never seen in Erin before.
"They're my kids!" Jay huffed. "I don't need your permission to see them. Better yet maybe I won't allow you to have them back tomorrow? You can get them from school on Monday."
"I'll be there tomorrow morning for them, Jay." Erin closed the door not really wanting to get into it at this moment. It went too far already with the kids witnessing it. She didn't ever want to discuss it, it was something that drove Jay even crazier because he wanted to know why. He needed those answers and Erin was so closed off.
"Daddy?" Aidan looked up at Jay nervously.
"Come on. I think we have dinner and a movie waiting for us." Jay plastered a fake smile on his face before guiding them away from the door.
"Why's Mommy mad?" Lola lifted her head off Jay's shoulder. Her eyes were filled with tears. "Daddy don't make Mommy mad please. Mommy always mad lately."
"Well it is Dad's fault." Shelby spoke with such disgust for her father.
"I don't know why Mommy's mad, Lola." Jay sighed. Even for him that went too far. He deserved to know why and Erin should have the decency to tell him. "And Shelby, I'd appreciate it if you don't put all the blame on me right now."
"Daddy is everything okay?" Aidan asked staring up at Jay in the elevator. "Is mommy gonna be okay?"
"I think so, bud." Jay lied threw his teeth. He knew something was up, what it was exactly had him second guessing everything. "Push the button so we can go."
The elevator ride was silent as Lola hung tightly to Jay, Aidan hung onto Jay's hand and Shelby gave Jay the death glare. He knew this was going to be a long night but it was a good starting point.
"Shelbs, what's wrong?" Jay asked curiously. "You can talk to me, you know?" Shelby use to come to him all the time when they were all living together.
"Nothing." Shelby mumbled not even making eye contact with her father.
Jay just dropped it because Shelby was a lot like her mother; she held things in tightly till she physically burst with her emotions. "Stay close to me, Shelby" Jay yelled over the crowed street. It was a Saturday night and the hustle and bustle of the city streets were coming alive. "At least hold on to your brother's hand please."
"I'm old enough that I don't need too." Shelby stated so seriously that at that moment Jay forgot he didn't have a teenager.
"I'll deem it appropriate when you are old enough. Till then Shelby Anne hold on to Aidan's hand please and do not make me repeat it."
Jay was never the disciplinarian in the family. He was way too soft with his kids causing Erin to take on the role. One look from here all three kids knew to stop immediately what they were doing. It was strange for him to raise his voice but he rather not have anything happen to Shelby.
"Daddy can we still pick a movie?" Aidan asked quietly as they almost reached Will's brownstone apartment. "Like you told Shelby?"
Jay nodded his head with a sigh, guiding the kids into the brownstone that occupied Will's apartment. "Shelby has a final say this time. Next time it will be you and then Lola"
"I don't want a movie. I want to go home." Shelby gritted her teeth, stomping her tiny foot refusing to enter the building. "I want to go to Mom, not you."
"Well Shelby, you cant always get what you want. If you don't want to watch a movie then you can go to bed earlier." Jay wasn't going to give in to her childish demands. They weren't worth the time or his energy to engage. "Aiden I guess you can pick tonight."
The way Erin said everything made Jay feel like maybe this was going to be official. Maybe it was time for him to invest in his own place where the kids had their own rooms or room to share instead of sleeping in his bed and him on the couch. But somewhere inside he didn't want to give up home; give up the hope that shortly he'll be back home where he belongs.
"Daddy guess what?" Lola asked placing her hands on Jay's cheeks so he could turn and face her.
"What is it?"
"Yesterday we spent the night with Grandpa cause Mommy went out with Aunt Kim and he let me watch as many Barbie videos as wanted too. Can I do that tonight too?"
Now Jay felt something else was going on. There's no way that Kim Ruzek would go out two nights in a row leaving Adam in charge of their kids. No one would leave him in charge for that long. Last time he was, their son had a mohawk.
Voight wasn't helping this situation either. He never approved of them getting together, even if he said he was 'okay' with it, and then their wedding in Vegas had him not speaking to either for a good week or two. Now he's watching Jay's kids without Jay even knowing. At work Voight is silent to him. Giving him the slum work to do like paperwork and what not while everyone else is actually out in the field. Jay was getting to the point were he believed Voight was gonna switch him to another division so Erin could come back to Intelligence.
"We will see, Baby Girl. Okay?" Jay didn't make any promises pushing the front door open. "You guys go watch TV and I'll get dinner ready." Lola and Aidan agreed, but Shelby refused.
"I'm not eating that." She pointed the microwaveable chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese that Jay was preparing. "It looks gross."
"Well that's what dinner is. You can eat it or starve." Jay didn't really buy anything else for dinner. He had some frozen meal that he'd eat later but besides that, this was the kids dinner.
"Wait till I tell Mom that you made me starve."
"You know what, Shelby." Jay grew tired of it. "I know you're hurt and all because of whatever your mother has said about me but I do not deserve this."
"You did this, not mom." Shelby continued her glare.
"I did this? I know you this you're an adult and can decide everything in the world but it doesn't work that hat way. I'm your father, you treat me with respect. If you can't do that then go sit in the bedroom till you think you can."
The look on Shelby's face indicated that she was in her break down mode. Jay patiently waited for it to happen and it did. Shelby bursted into tears, crying "You don't get it Dad! Mom is hurt! Do you know she cries every night?"
Jay was unsure where this was all coming from. Shelby was young, too young to really notice anything going on between her parents, at least in Jay's eyes. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe they all know something is going on and are doing their bests to ignore it. "Shelbs," Jay walked around and just wrapped his daughter tightly in his arms. "This is nothing for you to worry about, understand? This is on me and your mother."
"But,"
"No buts," Jay kissed her forehead. "Baby, what's happening has nothing to do with any of you. This is a mess that your Mom and I need to figure out and we will. If that means we won't be together so what."
"Dad you need to be together. Mom is too sad."
"Then let me deal with it, okay? Don't worry your pretty little mind, Baby. Things will work out if they are supposed too. You worry about kids things and let me deal with this."
But how he would deal with it was beyond him. In the mean time he texted Erin informing her about Shelby's breakdown.
She didn't respond, so he just went along with the nightly routine of dinner and a movie.
"Off to bed you two." Jay spoke softly as Lola was out cold in his arms. "I let you guys head to bed later than normal and your mom will kill me if she knew."
Plus Jay was hoping to catch the rest of the basketball game and drink a beer in the fridge that he desperately needed.
"But daddy," Aidan let out a complained. "I'm not tired," He yawned.
"Oh really bud? Then you can just lay there and not sleep." Jay smiled softly. "Off to bed, go."
"But it's early and I'm so much older than him that I should get to go to bed later than him." Shelby sat in her chair that usually occupies Will. "It's only fair. He's a baby after all."
"I'm not a baby! I'm six!" Aidan huffed. "Lola's the baby!"
"Neither of you are babies and both of you are going to bed, now!" Jay gave them a little shove to the guest bedroom. It was a tight fit. Aidan and Shelby sleep on the full sized bed with Lola crashing on the floor on a make shift air mattress. It was small but Jay did what he had to do. "Good night you two."
"Night." They both responded with a yawn that mumbled their voices.
Now it was time for his night.
"I'm all alone, but you're on my phone
Tellin' me you miss me and that you're at home
Who knows what we are in the mornin'
All I know is I want you
"What the fuck, ref he was there!" Jay yelled at the television knowing all three of his kids sleep through anything.
Jay's attention was on the televised sporting event that he didn't realize his phone was vibrating on the kitchen counter until he walked to get his fifth beer of the night. He was coherent to help his kids but it was enough to relax him.
Looking unsurely at the phone, Jay hit accept bringing the phone up to his ear. "Hello?" He spoke questioningly, unsure of really why the person will be calling him in the first place.
"Hi," Her voice was shaky and soft. "I'm sorry."
Jay just looked even more confused. "Sorry? Erin what is really going on."
"Come see me?" She questioned. "Please Jay? I need you."
Jay knew right there Erin was upset and or drunk. Her words were mumbled and she stumbled slightly over some of them, everything she does when she's upset. "Erin don't do this." Jay sighed. He wanted to run, quickly as he could, to wherever Erin was at this exact moment in time but he had three sleeping kids with him. "Don't string me along and not even give me an exact answer."
"I can't give you one, Jay." Erin let out a deep sigh, "One that is good enough."
"That's not good enough. I'm not doing this back and forth, no matter how hard it is for me not to go there right now. Give me one damn good reason why this isn't working?"
"I need you, isn't that enough, at least for now?" Erin pleaded sighing at his discontent to do as she said. "Please, Jay."
"Erin don't do this to me. Don't fucking do this to me."
"Can't I just apologize and we go back to how it was?"
"Nothing will be back to the way it was. You didn't even give me one fucking reason, Erin. Just stated you wanted a divorce. You know how much that fucking sucks? You can think of all these reasons but in reality they're just assumptions because I may never even know the truth. So don't fucking string me along in some drunken stupor because you can."
"I'm sorry, Jay, God, I'm so fucking sorry. You just don't get it."
"Don't get what? I just don't get how my wife one day just keeps drifting further and further away. I fought, and fought hard but nothing is good enough for you, Erin, is it? Nothing's good for you unless Voight approves."
"Don't bring him into this." Erin mumbled, "Please he's trying to help."
"Help? Instead of asking me to have the kids you gave them to him. Instead of discussing things with me, you went to him. Everything goes back to him."
"I needed someone there, Jay."
"Because you wouldn't let me, Erin." Jay knew they were getting no where in this conversation. "Just I'll see you when you get here tomorrow."
"I didn't want to depend on you." Erin huffed out her answer, "I depended on you enough, I wanted to do this myself."
"Do what exactly, Erin? As far as I can tell nothing has really been done and what was done was definitely not done independently."
"You don't get it, do you?"
"Don't get what? I'm not sure what I don't get because you won't tell me, Erin."
With a giant sigh and trying to control her emotions Erin continued, "I was independent growing up. Then Voight came around and I had to depend on him. Then I got on my feet and got into the academy and finally into the Intelligence Unit. Then I get my dream job. The job was the one thing I did myself. I worked my ass off for the opportunity for the task force and instead of congratulating me you told me to turn it down just like that. I left work because of the kids- and I enjoyed that- but after ten years of being home I wanted to do something for me and I tried. I got that job and I turned it down because of you."
"Erin," the guilt hit Jay hard. He knew he should've just listened to her when the whole FBI job came on the table but it was a shock to him. He wasn't prepared, especially if it meant Erin leaving them for sometimes more than a week.
"No," Erin interrupted him. "I get to speak." She paused gaining her thoughts back. "Everyday you get to do it. You got to go out there and do what you love to, Jay. I was stuck inside being surrounded by all these cookie-cutter, private school mother's who loved that they didn't need to work and I hated it because I wanted to work. I wanted to be back in the field and the one opportunity I got, you took it from me without even considering it."
"Because the kids.."
"They would be fine with it." Erin stated calmly, "They would've been fine because they don't need us as much anymore. They're independent and I know you would pick up some slack if I had to go away. This was my one chance to get back into it and I wasn't even good enough for it in your eyes. I grew resentful. Wouldn't you?"
"Growing resentful does not end up with you kicking me out, Erin."
"It does when things build, Jay. Things pile on top of other issues. I am sorry for my role in that, truly I am. Talking to Kim made me realize that, and other things."
"Like what? Just continue to knock down everything I think?"
"That's not what I'm doing, not at all. Just listen to me, okay? I just.." She paused, "I need to be more than just a mom. I love being a mom but I need more than it. I was the girl on the streets, I was Voight's daughter, I was a detective and now I'm a mom. Can't I be more than one?"
"So come back to intelligence instead of having Voight shove me out of it." It was a simple idea because in reality Voight never replaced Erin in the team. There was always a spot for her to return.
"I don't know if he'll let me." Erin nervously spoke. "He's gone a little protective lately, but I think I'd like that." After moments of silence on the phone, Erin spoke again. "I want you to come home, Jay. I need you, I miss you. The kids need you here."
"Maybe, but we need to do this slowly." Jay chugged another beer. The request for moving things slowly was purely for his benefit, and no one else. He needed to have some confirmation that she was on board with it all again. "Promise me this isn't some drunk confession time, Erin."
"I had like three drink tonight Jay. I'm buzzed, yes, but drunk no. I needed the little ping of confidence to do this." Erin laughed softly. "Check your phone."
Quickly and curiously, Jay pulled up his messages and almost dropped his phone right there. "Do not do this to me, Erin." He gritted his teeth trying to calm his emotions. "You can't send shit like that anymore."
Erin knew what she was doing though. She was teasing him to the extreme. Maybe it was a form of payback but Jay would never complain about it. "What? I thought you like me in red lace."
"I do when I can take it off you." Jay hissed. "You should be glad Will's not here?"
"And why may I be glad? I mean there's no kids here and an apartment to myself. What shall I do?"
"Fuck," Jay mumbled. The extreme hot and cold behavior he was use to, but this form of make up- when they should be working on their relationship- was different. Jay knew their sex life depleted a little. They, before kids, fucked everywhere their heart contented them too. Then kids came along and someone always needed something and alone time was non existing. Just then Jay's dream came true. Will came walking through the door. "I'll be right there."
"I'll be waiting." Erin stated with a bit of confidence.
"Will I need a favor." Jay knew he'd need to plead with his brother, "Can you watch the kids? They're sleeping so it will be easier."
"Why?" Will smirked knowing it had to be extreme especially since he heard the last part of the phone call. "Is a little lady friend wanting you at her beck and call?"
"Erin wants to talk, so I said we can go talk." Jay left out about the other shit. Will did not need to know that part. "Please? I'll owe you one for this."
"Fine. At least one of us will get laid." Will stole the rest of Jay's beer.
With a quick thank you, Jay was out the door sprinting almost to the apartment he and Erin bought with their family in mind.
By the time Jay made it to his once old now once again new home he was antsy, a little buzzed from the beer and scared of what will happen. He was nervous about the what ifs. What if Erin wakes up in the morning and nothing changed from how it was already? What if it was a mistake? What if it makes it all worse? But those thoughts went out the window the moment Erin opened the door greeting him in a silk robe that landed at her upper thigh.
"Took you long enough." Erin responded opening the door further and taking a sip of wine from the wine glass in her hand. It was that slight boost of confidence that she needed to make things work, to take the time to actually discuss her 'issues' with Jay without anger or hurt.
"Well I had to be responsible and find care for our children." He shot right back in a not as nice tone. "Will was nosey." He shrugged. "Sorry."
"Want something to drink?" Erin questioned being polite to her 'guest' like Hank and Camille always told her to be.
"Can we just get down to this talking, Er? Enough with the dilly dally." Jay walked up behind her. It's been months since he's actually seen his wife standing in front of him like this. Lately, before the separation, pajamas consisted of over sized shirts and her hair pulled into a messy bun- nothing like how Erin was now.
"Someone's feisty." Erin chugged the rest of her wine, allowing it to burn her throat as she swallowed it. Again, she needed more confidence.
Now with this confidence she made her move. Moving over to where Jay was leaning against the countertop of the kitchen island, she attacked him with her mouth, kissing his with such passion that they lacked in their relationship for months. She wanted to make up for it, to erase the last month or so from her memory and go back into a time where they were happy.
He shortly followed her, being the one dominating their kisses as he lifted her up into his arms and placed her on top of the island. "You sure about this Erin?" Jay pulled away. "I need to know that this isn't just a random hook-up and that tomorrow things would go back to me living with Will and you here. I want to be back here, with you and with them. I want our family back."
"I'm positive, Jay." Erin nodding in agreement kissing him again. When her lips are on his she feels this spark, this ignition, that drives their relationship. Kissing him right there and then gave her that spark again.
"Then I'm not going anywhere." Jay smiled softly before lifting her up and guiding her towards their bedroom and slammed the door with great force behind him.
Try not to think about you
But it ain't workin'
Why put out a fire that's burnin'