It was a normal day in Imre, or so I thought. I was on my way back to Anker's, having completed an excruciating day of class with Elodin. He had forced us all to balance boots on our heads and attempt to lick our own spleens with our elbows, a task made triply difficult by the raging erection I developed whenever anyone with breasts entered my field of vision. I turned a corner and, to my surprise, ran smack into Denna, toppling her and sending the stack of books she had been carrying high into the air. I caught Denna with one arm, then, drawing upon the incredible talent I had developed after just one round of Elodin's boot-stacking training, I carefully caught and stacked the books on the top of my head in a neat pile. I don't know if you've heard the stories of my miraculous ability to stack anything weighing less than six stone atop my unusually flat head, but I can tell you that they don't even come close to the truth of the matter. Denna's eyes met mine.
"Kvothe," she gasped, then stopped, as if the story would be far more interesting without her dialogue. All for the better, as I was typically disinclined to actually listen to anything she said, anyhow. I steadied her, and it was then that I noticed for the first time the dress she was wearing. It was a black evening gown that hugged her form tighter than I do when I hug my lute while I jerk myself to sleep. Have I mentioned that I love my lute? I would marry it, if I could.
As she turned about for no discernible reason, I could see the perfect drumlinous curve of her backside framed against the perfect white overcoats of the two perfect men she had been walking with. It was the most erotic moment of my young life. Well, other than the time Fela propositioned me, or the time that I spent a possible eternity banging a fairy sex goddess, or the orgy I accidentally had on my way back from Ademre. Still, it was fascinating. In that moment, I was so affected by the sight that I felt my sleeping mind take hold, and despite the weight of "The Chandrian Are Our Friends" by H. A. Liacks that still burdened my skull, I stepped forward and spoke a Name. It was a short name, two words by my reckoning, but they disappeared from my mind as soon as they left my lips. To anyone nearby listening closely, it would have sounded like I had simply said the most logical thing, given the situation:
"Dat ass."
As I spoke, Denna's eyes lit up, and she seemed to look at me as if I had suddenly escaped the Friendzone. Completely forgetting her two escorts, she beckoned me towards the inn she had just exited, her lips pursed in a wry smile that said come hither just as surely as did her gesture and my rapid tumescence. I was halfway through the door to the Flaccid Draccus, eager to finally show Denna my Talent Pipe, when I noticed Elodin watching me from a nearby alley, swinging a yo-yo around his head to keep away the pigeons. An idea came to me, and I looked to the two bewildered men that Denna had left standing on the street. I spoke a Name, and they suddenly stiffened, looked toward Elodin, and began a sultry strut in his direction, unbuttoning their shirts and slowly shedding their fine clothes. Elodin looked at me, confused, then amazed, and backed into the alley with a smile. The two hunks followed.
I smiled too, and turned to enter the Flaccid Draccus, not caring as the books I had been balancing were knocked to the ground before the threshold.
Then I totally banged Denna.