This is for Gunner4life who's been hella patient while I came up with a fic for their request. Anyway hope you guys and, of course, Gunner enjoy it.
I'm pregnant and we don't talk about it. I mean, I shouldn't be surprise 'cause that is, after all, what we do best. Every time a crisis appears, we have this instinct to hide our heads in the sand and pretend is not there. I cannot say that this instinct has been right more than it has been wrong.
I wanted kids, she didn't. We didn't talk about it, not really anyway. She had seemed surprised, not in a good way, and shocked. And at her reaction, I had been devastated. She wanted vacation in Spain, me in a bikini on a beach, and sangrias, where I wanted to build a family. We got back together after the shooting both claiming that we wanted whatever the other wanted as long as we were together without ever really talking about the things that broke us up in the first place. She got a grant to go to Africa for three years and surprise we didn't really talk about it. Which caused an epic meltdown on both of our parts in the middle of an airport. And now, I'm pregnant and can't help but fear whatever the future has in hold for us.
Standing in the elevator; with no chance of escaping our new reality or of taking everything back; enveloped in silence, we had no other choice but to confront the truth. Truth being, that while she was gone, I've slept with Mark and was now having his baby. The only answer I've received, after that declaration and asking her if she was still in, was a faint yes. Then she swiftly got out of the elevator throwing a soft see you later over her shoulder.
We always have the same patterns with little variables. The first being us talking at each other, never listening what the other person is saying. We only hear so we can respond and defend ourselves from the accusations but never taking into consideration how the other might be feeling inside. The second is us bottling our feelings inside until there's no more space. So we end up exploding and letting our feelings out in the most inappropriate ways. You would think that we would have learned from our past mistakes but here we are making the same errors all over again.
After giving her the night to think it over, she said to be in it for the long haul but that she still needed time. Time I would have gladly given her. But in the end, it didn't seem she needed it all that much. Everything changed after the first ultrasound where we listened to the baby's heartbeat. Arizona came to the apartment, we once shared, carrying a boxes of my belongings. I tried to protest this sudden and rushed development but I was quickly shut down by her semi angry rant. After her impassion speech, we ended up having sex. Which now insight, wasn't probably the best idea. Lying in bed, all I can think about is her talking about how she loved me, I loved her, that we were together and that nothing else mattered. But doesn't everything else matter? How can we advance in this next phase of our lives together without discussing all the things that are not functioning in our relationship? How is it so easy for us to just bury every single one of our issue and to hide behind a false sense of security? Why does it always take an epic meltdown for us to finally confront the struggles in our relationship? Even though every single one of these queries are excellent questions, I know they will not be answered tonight nor tomorrow. If ever really.
Turning my head to look at her as she sleeps, I cannot deny the fact that having her besides me is making me extremely happy. All I want is to keep living in this pretty bubble without having it explode in our faces for once. Although, I know that wishing away our problems won't make them disappear, I cannot help but pray that they would. We have so much to talk about and so much to face that it seems that we won't ever get over them. But perhaps, it would be better if we just burst the abscess and deal whit all the crap so we can finally achieve our happily ever after if such thing exist.
Lightly tracing my finger over her face, I sigh hoping to exhale the stress that has settled in my stomach. I have to trust that we are stronger than this and that we'll find our way through this mess.
We love each other, we are together and none of the rest matter. Anyway that's what I have to believe.