Authors Note: hi, guys! this is my first attempt at a piece of fanfiction, so i hope you all like it! i have had a lot of muse for both Tris and Tobias, and just needed to get this off of my chest. the story is in Tris' point of view, and is mostly based on the monologue at the end of Lana Del Rey's song, National Anthem, but it also has a storyline of Tobias walking out of Tris' life four years ago and now recently coming back into it. feedback is welcome, in fact, i actually encourage it! thank you. xx
It has been four years since Tobias Eaton walked out of my life without turning back. Four years since I last heard his voice, last felt his touch. It had been four years since I looked right into his eyes while he stared straight back into mine as if he was trying to bore into the deepness of my soul, trying to figure out exactly what I was thinking, exactly what I wanted.
That was the thing with Tobias Eaton, all he ever wanted was to know every single little thing that made me, me. He wanted to memorise every inch of my body, to know the songs I listened to when I was sad or happy. He wanted to know what went ticking around my mind at early hours in the morning, what haunted my dreams when my eyes fell shut. He wanted to know things that I were not willing to share, things that made my stomach churn if the words ever dared to escape past my lips. And I suppose that was part of the reason why he left; he wanted more from me and I could not give that to him.
They say that the first thing you forget about a person is the sound of their voice, but for me, that is not true. In the past four years, there was not one day that went past where I forgot the deepness, the rustiness of his masculine voice. Everyday for the past four years I have craved his touch, his not-so-subtle stares, the way his body always seemed to fit so perfectly curved around my own, the look on his face when somebody presented him with chocolate cake. For the past four years, I have missed everything about him.
He had moved onto better things; to greater things; to things that made him happy. That was all I had ever wanted for him—for him to be happy above anything and everything else. It was just stupid of me to think that I could have played a small part in his happiness when all I really did was drag him so far down we both thought he was going to drown. He never said it to my face, but I always knew that was how he felt too.
"And I remember when I met him. It was so clear that he was the only one for me."
"Why do you call yourself Four?" My best friend Christina asks, her head cocking to the side instinctively. She has always been straight-forward with her words and towards people, but I never expected her to walk up to him without any reasoning or thought. Well, I guess the amount of alcohol she had consumed over the course of the night may have played a slight part in it. "It isn't you real name, is it? Your parents must be pretty fucked up if they decided to name you after a number."
I linger behind her slightly as she awaits his answer. My body turns away from them slightly as I take a small sip of my vodka soda, trying my best to blend into the shadows of the living room we have currently situated ourselves in. Being in the centre of the room makes me much more nervous than it probably should. I'd much rather be on the outskirts of the room, but Christina dragged me over here so she could talk to Four, and that is what best friends do, right? They support and help each other out.
"I find that to be none of your business," he replies simply, and as he does, I, for some reason I cannot explain, glance over my shoulder, only to catch his eye.
The crease between his brow deepens as he mumbles an "excuse me" before he pushing past the both of us, his shoulder bumping into my own far harder than necessary.
Christina let out a sigh, followed by her signature eye roll. "Well, he was fucking peachy."
She was either talking way to quiet, something I knew was unlikely considering she was the loudest person I knew, or I was intentionally zoning out, because the sound of her voice dimmed down as my eyes followed him across the room.
Before my brain could register what my legs were doing, I was already following his footsteps. They soon came to a halt when we were both outside, the sound of the big-college-rave (as Christina liked to call it) behind us. The wind blowing causes my hair to blow in all different directions, and I have to settle for tucking it behind my ears.
"That was pretty rude of you back there," I call out, not waiting for his response. "She only asked a simple question,"
He turns around then, and I can see a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
"I don't see the need in explaining my choice of name to everybody I cross paths with," he replies. His arms cross over his chest, and for a moment I cannot help myself but stare at his defined muscles. "Especially not with your blabber mouth of a friend. My sense of mystery would be exploited all over campus if I chose to do so."
He has a fair point. Christina cannot keep a secret to save her life.
"Well, why do you call yourself that? I can tell for a fact that it isn't your real name."
"What makes you think I'll tell you the reasoning behind my choice of nickname?" He asks, cocking his head to the side.
I think about it for a moment. He really does not have any reason to reveal that type of information to me, but for some reason that I cannot put my finger on, I want him to tell me. I want to know why it is important for him to keep his sense of mystery.
And then I realize, I want to know everything I can about him.
"Lets just say that I'm a great secret keeper." I answer simply before I turn away from him.
I only take a couple of steps before I turn back to look at him over my shoulder, and much to my surprise, his eyes are still on me, looking at me as intensely as he was a couple of seconds ago.
I think about turning back around and talking to him again, but before I know it, Christina is at the front door of the house, screaming my name so loud I almost swear that somebody on the other side of town would be able to her hear.
I'm sitting down in a small diner in town, waiting for my friend Uriah, so I almost jump out of my skin when I hear his deep voice echo from behind me.
"I'm only afraid of four things."
He must notice my look of confusion, because he decides to take a seat across from me to elaborate. His hands clasp together on top of the table as he stares at me, his eyes searching mine.
"I'm only afraid of four things. You know, four, one more than three, one less than five?" A teasing smile appears across his lips, and I cannot help but roll my eyes. "Four things, hence the nickname Four. When I left home, I wanted to leave everything behind me. My real name was a reminder of who I once was and I wanted to forget that person, so I decided to go by something else."
Before I can say anything in return, he is already out of his seat and heading for the door. I think about standing up and going after him, but by the time he is out the door, Uriah is already coming in and I have not seen him in such a long time that the idea of ditching him feels wrong, despite the fact that my mind is screaming at me to go after Four.
"We both knew it right away."
His fingertips trace small patterns over the inside of my wrist, and I cannot help the small smile that appears across my face, but I decide to turn my head away so he is unable to witness it.
I do not want him to know the power he has over me. I do not want him to know how he can melt my insides with a simple touch. I do not want him to know how weak he can make me when I am supposed to be strong. I do not, I do not, I do not.
The stars above us twinkle down, and I twist my body around so I can see him better. We are standing on the bridge, looking over the water as the stars shine. Christina, Uriah, Zeke, Marlene and Lynn have clearly had more to drink than Four and I have because they are currently having a game of hide and seek, but Christina has found herself on the ground facedown and Uriah walks over to help her up, yet has twigs stuck in his hair.
Ever since Four told me the meaning behind his name, a year ago, we have been inseparable, or at least that is what Christina claims when she wants to hang out and I decline due to having other plans with Four. I have been asked on more than one occasion if we are an item, and I know that he has been asked the exact same question.
I often wonder what it would be life to be his girlfriend. I always notice the way that other girls look at him. I cannot blame them, really. He truly is beautiful. But it always makes me wonder what somebody like him is doing with somebody like me, even if we are just friends. Other girls always find a way to talk to him when we are out together, but he always ends up finding his way back to me. Which in my eyes is completely weird. He could basically have any girl he wanted, yet he sticks with me, despite the fact that I'm not even his girlfriend.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks quietly, in his low voice that never fails to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
The sound of his voice brings me back to reality, out of my thoughts, and I twist around so I'm glancing up at him again.
"Nothing," I reply with simply, offering him a small smile. I know that he does not believe me. I know that he wants to know exactly what I'm thinking, but I'm far too embarrassed to own up to the truth. "I was just enjoying the stars."
My answer must satisfy him enough because he does not say anything else, only stares down at me, and for the first time in forever, I do not look away.
The sound of Zeke yelling, "just kiss her already", breaks our current staring session. I almost tell him to do it too, but before I know it, he's shaking his head, laughing at Zeke's words and telling him that it is time for all of us to go.
I wish that was not the case.
My body crashes against the wall as his lips find mine in the dark.
His hair is stuck and is sticking to his face, as his clothes to his body.
I do not even want to think about how I look right now. It truly is funny how the rain can ruin ones look. But on him, oh god, the rain just makes him all that more attractive.
Our bodies press together as we fall through his apartment door together, our lips only breaking away once as he takes his shirt off. A second after, his lips are against mine again and I am squished in between him and his front door, my layers of clothing peeling off one by one.
I do not remember who initiated what and how we got in this exact position, but I know it is exactly where I belong.
In his presence. In his bed. Looking up at him as he looks down at me.
I know because he mumbles "I love you" over and over into the crook of my neck, and it could just be the sex talking, but something tells me that it is more than that.
I am his. And he is mine.
We are each other's home.
"And as the years went on things got more difficult, we were faced with more challenges."
"Who were you fucking kissing, Tris?"
His voice echoes throughout our apartment as soon as I open the door. My eyes close as I take off my coat, hanging it up beside the door. All of the lights are off, but the window illuminates enough light that I know exactly where he is.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I reply. I figure that if I play dumb, he might drop the subject, but I know him too much to know that would never happen.
"Don't play stupid," he snaps, rising from the couch. "I fucking saw you this morning."
My breath catches in my throat. I may not be able to see him clearly, but I can only imagine the look of pain spread across his features.
"It isn't what you think, Tobias, I—"
"Then what was it, Tris?" he yells, and this time I can clearly hear the sadness in his voice, even over the anger.
"He kissed me," I reply quickly, taking a few steps before I am standing in front of him. I want to reach out to him, to place my hands in his, but I am too afraid that he will pull away so I settle for letting my arms dangle at my side. "And I'm pretty sure he has a broken nose for doing so. Tobias, I—I wouldn't do that to you. You know how I feel about you."
I can see him clearly now. His every move, his expressions. And, much to my relief, the look on his face softens.
"You punched him?"
"Right in the face."
A small laugh escapes his lips, and I cannot help but laugh along with him.
I listen to the beat of his heart as he draws small patterns along my left shoulder blade.
My naked body presses against his as we both try to catch our breath from our previous adventure, and it is nice for once.
There has been a lot of tension between us recently. I know it is partly my fault. I have been keeping secrets again, hiding behind a brick wall, whereas he has been shielding me away from important decisions in both of our lives.
His fingers wind up in my hair, and I close my eyes at the feeling.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks softly, bringing my attention back to the real world.
I do not want to answer, so I keep quiet. If I tell him what I am thinking, he will want to talk about it more and that is something I am not ready for.
"You can tell me, you know. I don't bite."
I shake my head, almost regretting it immediately. His body stiffens, and before I know it, he is reaching for his jeans and climbing out of bed.
"You don't trust me, do you Tris?"
"Of course I trust you, Tobias…it's just something I'm not willing to share." I answer.
"No, you don't." He mumbles, not looking at me. "If you trusted me, you'd tell me things, Tris. I'd be the first one you came to when something bothered you. I'd be the one to help you get out of trouble. But you don't!"
His gaze softens for a second, but if I blinked I would have missed it as a stern one has replaced it again.
"How come you can't tell me things? You tell Christina and Uriah things…"
"That's different," I protest, although I know it is not true. "They're different…it's different."
"How is it different? I'm your boyfriend, Tris!"
I do not what to say to make things better, so I stare down at my hands.
The sound of the front door slamming makes me jump, but I do not let it affect me. I will not cry over him, over a simple argument. I am not that weak.
"I'm just scared you'd hate me if you knew what went on inside my head." I whisper to myself, rolling over so I can look out the window.
"I begged him to stay, tried to remember what we had in the beginning."
"Where are you going, Tobias?"
"Out." He mumbles under his breath, and although it does not mean much, it feels like my world is crashing around me.
We have never been the same since our argument over trust, and I do not know how to fix that between us.
"You only just got home."
"And I'm going out again."
"Why? What's so important?"
"Nothing." He says simply. "I can't just be here right now…not with you."
My breath hitches in my throat, and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to cry in front of him.
"Okay," I mouth, and as I do, he is already making an exit for the door.
It only takes a couple of minutes before I can fully compose myself, and I am following in his footsteps. My strides turn into a small jog so I can catch up to him in the busy streets of Chicago.
"Please don't go," I whispered, my hand resting on his shoulder softly, spinning him around to face me once I reach him. "Can't we talk about this?"
His eyes search mine, and I notice that this is the first time he has looked at me like that in months.
My eyes close at the feeling of his lips pressed against my own. "I'll be back soon. We'll talk then."
I nod slightly and offer him a small smile. "Okay." I mouth.
I wish I knew that his words were a lie.
I wish I knew that would be the last kiss I would receive from him. That way, I might have treasured it more than I did.
Authors Note: && that's it for the first chapter! it's a little long, i know, and a lot of it may not make sense right now, but this is just a starting point. the rest of the monologue from National Anthem will be continued in the next chapter, and the chapter after that will be the Tris & Tobias reunion. half of chapter two is already written, so i hope to get it up by this weekend. :~)