Note: Some of you might remember seeing this way back in, uh... March. Despite tossing this up on LJ and Dreamwidth, I guess I never got around to posting it here! Oops. For those of you who haven't seen it, uh. Enjoy, I guess. Some people think it's depressing, so if you're easily saddened (like myself), you might want a handkerchief.
Veser likes girls. And really, what's not to like? Legs up to there and curves like so, and as he sits on the bleachers overlooking an empty football field, his drink in hand, he's telling Lee all about this. About that girl in that one class he has forgot what it was, something boring, I just picked stuff off the list with my eyes closed, I'll figure out what it is eventually, jeez! with hair like a lion's mane, tumbling as she turns her head, and a smile that just plunges straight in and spreads and infects until he can't help but grin right back.
Lee nods and smiles and wishes him the luck that he, as of yet, has not had a drop of. Gives him some advice, the kind of stuff Veser already knows or should know but never really seems to put into practice or even remember long enough to do so. Things like staying calm and not trying so hard to impress right away. Things they both know aren't going to happen, not with him, not with someone so impulsive it wouldn't kill you to think just a bit before jumping straight into things, you know as he is, but he accepts the advice gratefully just the same, because Lee is the only one who ever offers any, and it's generally very good advice anyway.
The conversation is going well, Veser thinks, up until Lee asks the question he always seems to ask whenever they meet alone how is she doing?, but this time Veser's answer is different I dunno man, I live here now, would've thought you'd see her before I did, though his tone is the same: annoyed and grumbling, and conveying a second message to anyone with the ears to hear it. But Veser has long since learned that Lee is deaf to certain subjects, and his message, request, goes unheard yet again.
Nope doesn't seem to be quite the response Lee expects when he asks if she calls often, and he says as much, citing the fact that you're her only son, and it's your first time out of the nest, er, so to speak at least, maybe it just hasn't really sunk in yet but once it does she'll be calling twice a day, you just watch. Veser snorts at that, but Lee, of course, doesn't hear the disbelief, not really, so he just laughs. And Lee's laughter is far warmer, far more infectious than anything else he's ever come across, even though he doesn't understand, so Veser couldn't stop his own chuckles even if he wanted to. And he doesn't want to, because it makes him happy, and making Lee happy enough to forget about pining over his mother is a constant goal, albeit a mostly subconscious one. So their soft laughter quickly escalates into something joyful and loud that carries on the wind far past their seats on the bleachers.
A bit less than a month later, and Veser still likes girls, but remember that chick with the hair and awesome legs? despite Lee's wish for his good luck turns out she already has a boyfriend, yeah, two of 'em actually he's struck out once again. Lee had offered to take him out to lunch, not that he needed to ask at all since I can't take any more cafeteria food, they fill it all with ebola or something because, woah, eat one forkful too many and yer gonna be in the shitter all day, Veser would never turn him down for anything. He doesn't think he has it in him to do that to the man, to watch his face crumble and be covered all too quickly with a well-maybe-next-time sort of smile before leaving. No, Veser doesn't want to do that. Besides, spending time with Lee's been a favorite pastime of his since, well, since always, and he sees no reason to change that now. So he tears into a chicken breast with almost no regard for cutlery or its proper usage, and laughs and talks with his mouth full and has the most fun he's had in twenty-four and three-quarters of a day.
When Lee finally gets that wistful, longing look in his eyes that Veser has grown to expect to see at least once in a visit, took him long enough, Veser has the conversation already scripted out completely in his head. There's only two ways it could start: have you heard from your mother lately? if he hasn't seen her in a while, or I saw your mother the other day... if he has, and there's only so many ways Veser can respond to either of those without starting to scream, to try and shake some sense into the man, make him realize he's pining for something that he shouldn't, that wouldn't want anything to do with him, that under normal hah! normal, right circumstances probably wouldn't even acknowledge his existence as anything beyond something to toy around with before casting away, or casting under the deepest waves. Lee deserves better than that.
Nowhere in Veser's mental script does you have her eyes, you know come into play. It gives him shock enough to set all of his actions on pause, dressings on his giant chunk of chicken plip plip plopping off of his fork and onto the plate below before he manages to croak out something in the affirmative, confused gaze set on the man sitting opposite him, staring out the diner's window. He doesn't know what was that all about? why he cares so much about that one little phrase it's just an observation, sorry, you probably already knew that not something he hasn't heard before, after all. But it's not something he's heard from Lee.
Yeah, he says, and smiles because maybe Lee is actually really looking at him for once, but it's a short lived smile because he bitterly realizes he can still only see her he's not sure why any of that matters to him, because Lee always was and will remain the only real friend he has.
Another three weeks pass and although Veser still likes girls, he's ready to start tearing his hair out over them. If it's not one thing, it's another because each girl Veser thinks he can really get to like are already spoken for or so they say or have turned him down and can you believe half of 'em say I look weird? What the fuck is this, high school? He kicks a rock down the path they walk in the campus gardens, grey skies full of clouds heavy with rain that refuses to fall, not just yet. He tries to accept Lee's advice maybe now's not the right time, wait until you find someone that can appreciate you for who you are but he's having a hard time. Sitting things out and waiting, that's just not him, not something he wants to try. But Lee has a knack for being right in theory anyway, has he been right in practice all that often?, so he nods and grimaces and resolves to try it, if only once. He can manage a month or two or maybe a couple weeks. Until tomorrow, for sure.
They walk past fading summer flowers and opening fall blossoms and under trees dotted orange and red and yellow and stop at a murky pond that Veser swears he saw a small crocodile okay, maybe just a really big turtle swim near the surface of the shallows once. They sit on the cast iron bench and watch the wind form tiny waves and ripples, moving swiftly, a precursor to the rain which, no longer able to delay its falling, drops heavily to the ground. Veser reaches into the deep pockets of his hoodie and draws out a small, fold-up umbrella that opens into one just large enough to shield the two of them completely.
Lee looks at him, shakes his head, and Veser knows that look in his eyes. That I-should-be-scolding-you-but-I-just-can't sort of look, and sure enough, Lee starts acting parental, or close enough to it anyway when he says more than asks, no gloves? your hands are going to get raw in this weather like that, but dry skin is the least of Veser's worries so he rolls his eyes and makes a pffft sound, because that's what pockets are for no, he doesn't have any gloves, just obscenely thick winter ones, too heavy and hot for early autumn. And that, it seems, is precisely, surprisingly, the reaction Lee is looking for in him as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a thin box with no markings or trimmings or tags and extends it toward Veser, taking the umbrella out of his hand.
He protests the gift aw, aww, c'mon, you didn't have to get me these even as he pulls them on, grinning from ear to ear, flexing his fingers inside the leather material. Dark brown and light, but fuckin' expensive durable by the look of them. Veser thanks him, eyes and smile still glued to the gloves, turning his hands this way and that to get a good look at them. Lee nods and smiles with every feature of his face in that way that only he can, rests his arm on the back of the bench, and breathes in the crisp air. Out of the corner of his eye, Veser sees Lee shut his, feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and wonders not at all uncomfortably if it's the wind that's ghosting along his neck or something no guesses what? more tangible.
It's the next day, and Veser doesn't have girls on his mind at all. Doesn't even have the thought that it's weird he doesn't because damn if his brain isn't usually a hive of activity when it comes to that subject. He's lounging on his bed, tossing a rubber ball up against the ceiling and catching it, tossing and catching, tossing and catching and smirking and counting the number of times the guy upstairs slams his foot onto the floor and yells down that if he throws that damn thing one more time...
And while it is abso-fuckin'-lutely hilarious provides a small amusement, it doesn't distract him from his thoughts, not entirely, not really. He's decided, well, he's decided this a long time ago actually, but now he's actually going to do something about it, that Lee is much happier when he's not bogged down by unobtainable thoughts. But what toss could he possibly catch do smirk, toss that would keep Lee from oh shit is he actually coming down shit thoughts interrupted by the sound of heavy footsteps pounding down stairs, Veser runs out of his room, doesn't stop to lock it, there's no time, and he doesn't have anything valuable in there anyway.
He hears the shouts yeah you better run and pauses at the dormitory entrance to get a look at his pursuer. When he turns, and he has to turn, has to see and know exactly who he pissed off, see the look on their face, shit did they bring him in with a forklift he's sweatin' already probably couldn't even fit through my door he grins, showing as many of his teeth as possible and raises two middle fingers into the air before calmly strolling out the door, laughing as the other student slings curses at him, rooted to the ground.
That serves as an adequate distraction, albeit a short one, and as his laughter dies his thoughts come tumbling back to him in waves, and as he walks he resolves, again, to do something about Lee and keeping him happy, after all, he deserves that fucking much, there's no way Veser is going to keep on watching Lee sit around and mope any longer.
Two weeks pass and Lee can't stay too long, don't know if I'll be able to drive home if I don't leave before the storm and I have work in the morning but I wanted to check in on you anyway, so Veser talks about liking girls and everything that goes along with it, but he's just not into the conversation. He has no idea how he's going to keep Lee's mind off his mother, wonders if this topic of being luckless in love is a step backward, if anything.
When they finish putting away the food Lee's brought, something that seems to happen on every visit ever since Veser let slip his thoughts on the cafeteria's selection, Lee motions that he's going to leave, turns, takes a step, and Veser manages to surprise himself as well as Lee when he grabs the man from behind, holds him tight. V-Veser? Lee manages to turn around, an impressive feat with Veser's arms still wrapped around him.
There's concern all over Lee's face jeez you'd think someone got hit by a truck it's not that as he repeats Veser's name, asks him what's wrong, does he need to talk about something and Veser, he hasn't thought this far ahead, hell, he hasn't thought this through at all, puts a smile on his face and lets Lee go. Counts himself lucky he can think quickly when he needs to as he laughs me, what? naw this is for you you gotta stop looking so damn depressed all the time it makes people act all sentimental and wonders if that's too much do... do I? or not sincere enough I didn't think or or...
Or maybe it doesn't matter because Lee's smiling again, smiling like the last time and returns the hug, albeit with a bit less vim than Veser had put into it but he makes up for that by patting down Veser's hair which he hasn't done that in years feels pretty good actually. He doesn't realize the hand on his head had drew him closer to Lee, held him gently there, until after they draw apart and Lee's hand lingers in place for just a few seconds more.
Lee pulls back and says his goodbyes for the second time, still smiling, almost flustered, and Veser leans against his doorframe and gives a quick half-wave, watching until he's left the dormitory, wondering why his stomach has just started doing flip-flops. Fuckin' school food.
Several visits later, when the first semester and first vacation has come and went, Veser lounges on his bed, Lee seated nearby on the desk placed next to the head of the bed. He's long since come to the conclusion that Lee seems to like touchy-feely sentimental personal contact, or at least acts like he does, but that doesn't really seem to be the sort of thing he'd be able to do. Veser thinks it had gone quite well so far, until Christmas and New Year's came along and threw a few dozen wrenches into the works. Lee had seemed happy up until then, up until mistletoe and laughter and happy ha! family moments he was always just one step removed from.
Veser sips from his mug of cocoa, half-listening to Lee as he talks about his current work project, half-thinking, no that doesn't quite cover it, half-plotting what he's going to do to recover the steps backward the holidays have inflicted on them, as he sets the now finished drink onto the far side of the desk. Leans over Lee to do so. Gives him a sidelong glance whilst frozen in place over him and he's stopped plotting and thinking entire seconds ago, so he can truthfully answer no fuckin' idea when Lee asks him that look he's got that look again what he's doing. Stares and stares and tries to figure out what he's supposed to do when that look is directed at him, that look he's only mostly seen directed toward his mother, and figures his answer is still true when he presses his lips against Lee's, because he really, really has no idea whatsoever what he's doing anymore.
The objection doesn't come nearly as soon as Veser expects it to, doesn't come until after he's almost sure Lee's returning the action, doesn't come until Veser begins to tug Lee towards him, towards the bed. That's when Lee breaks it off, looks more nervous and flustered and shaky than Veser's ever seen him before, seems to develop a debilitating speech impediment within seconds as he attempts to stutter something, not getting past the first syllable of several dozen words. Veser doesn't know how much longer he can listen to thi- I- wha- and after raising an eyebrow decides that what Lee really needs to do now is to shut the hell up, and that's precisely what he makes him do.
The second kiss is all it takes to make Lee stop talking, make him stop protesting, make him land atop Veser with no resistance as he pulls the both of them onto the bed just hard enough to land flat on his back. That's all it takes for Veser to come to the conclusion that if he's okay with this, he'll be okay with wherever he took his left hand. Back, back of his neck, waist, the very top of his hip bone. And Lee is very okay with it, if the quiet, puffy sounds he's making into and around Veser's mouth are any indication. If the way his own hands are gliding underneath Veser's t-shirt, caressing soft skin in one and pulling the fabric up, up, off means anything.
Veser watches breathlessly as Lee moves just slightly downward and kisses his chest, his neck, and notices that he never quite lingers for too long on his lips. Veser watches, while pulling Lee's belt out of its loops, while grasping for his zipper and pulling it down just enough to slip his hand through, and notices that while Lee is in turn lifting Veser's hips up slightly to help ease his pants off, he is, to Veser's great frustration and only brief confusion, not paying any attention to the part of him that really wanted it. Veser watches oh-so carefully this time as he draws Lee's face to his and kisses him, because more than he wants to, he has, needs to, though he can't quite explain to himself why, and notices that, though Lee is reciprocating, kissing back with the intensity Veser wants, though Lee is making those quiet little sounds that Veser is quickly wanting to hear more of, he's never really looking at him.
Which is when it all clicks and Veser's confusion dissipates. Which is when he thinks fuck and pulls back from the kiss, letting Lee move his mouth gently downward, down his neck and collarbone and chest, which is when Veser lets his head flop to the side onto his raggedy pillow where he laughs soundlessly because even now Lee still isn't seeing him. Just what made him.
But when Lee, flushed and nervous and stupid desperate love-sick needy idiot quiet, suggests that perhaps Veser roll over onto his stomach, or at least that's what he thinks Lee's trying to say behind all those stumbled-over words, Veser complies, flashing him a sly grin and a quip that's forgotten the minute it leaves his mouth. And it's okay. Because even if Lee isn't seeing him, he still needs him to keep his mental illusion alive, and Veser, if only once, just needs to be needed.
I made a mini psuedo-OST for this fic, and you can grab that here: seshennu(dot)dreamwidth(dot)org(slash)2357(dot)html. That URL also has the fic on it, so just scroll down to the bottom, the actual download link is there. Uhhh... I have written, and will write more HiNaBN fic in the future, but there's no guarantees I can ever get them done by a certain time and whatnot. I am horrible with that sort of thing and also I have a job now and adult responsibilities, too! So, yeah. One day I'll get done all the things I want to get done, but until then feel free to scowl at me and tell me to work faster! I won't, but the attention makes me feel loved nonetheless.