Inglorious Bastards
By Stalk Me
*
Happy Valentine's Day!
*
The door to the Slytherin sixth year's boy's dormitory slammed with an angry and resonating echo. Al Potter didn't even have to look up from his Transfiguration homework to know who had come in.
"So you finally heard the gossip, eh?" he asked. When he got no reply, he raised his head, his green eyes locking with Scorpius Malfoy's blue ones. The Malfoy boy was sitting at the foot of his own bed, his hands in his pockets as he stared, almost indifferently, at his roommate. Finally, he snapped.
"Who the hell cheats on me? ME! OF ALL PEOPLE!"
Al returned to his textbook. "So you did hear the gossip," he commented.
"AND THE DAY BEFORE VALENTINE'S DAY TOO!" Scorpius continued.
Al sighed and rubbed a frustrated hand over his eyes. "I feel for you, mate," he said. Then he paused and looked up, his brow knitted. "Well, no, I don't actually. Seeing as I've never had a girlfriend, I've never been cheated on."
Scorpius rolled his eyes. "The only reason why you haven't had a girlfriend yet is because you're anti-social. The girls still think you're attractive though." He paused and shrugged. "I'd do you."
"You'd do anything that walks," Al quipped back, throwing a pillow at his friend. "And probably some inanimate objects as well."
Scorpius raised his hands in defeat, his mouth pulling into a sideways smile that made most females swoon. "Guilty," he replied. He sighed and laid back on his bed, staring up at the green canopy. "I just can't get over the fact that I'm single…on Valentine's Day! I haven't been single on Valentine's Day since first year!"
Al sighed and let his quill fall onto his parchment; he was not going to get any homework done with his friend in such a state. "Well, let's make tomorrow fun then," Al suggested. "We can make it an Anti-Valentine's Day or something. Play pranks on all the happy couples. It's been a hell of a long time since we pulled a good prank."
Scorpius sat up in bed, smiling once again. "I like the way you think, Potter. This is why I befriended you in first year."
"No, you befriended me because no one else wanted to be seen with a Malfoy."
Scorpius waved his hand dismissively. "Minor details," he mumbled. "So," he clapped his hands together, eager to begin this new game. "How about we make tomorrow a little bit more interesting?"
Al cocked a quizzical eyebrow. "We're already pulling pranks on people. What more do you want? A goal?"
"Something like that. What do you say we turn it into a little competition? See who can out-prank the other?"
Al shook his head. "You and your competitive streak."
"Slytherin," Scorpius replied in the same tone as when he had said 'Guilty'. "So what do you say, Al? You up for it?"
"You do realize that you're going to lose like you always do when we compete against each other, right?" Al asked, one eyebrow raised.
Scorpius shrugged. "I'm feeling lucky this time."
Al sighed. "Alright, what are the terms?"
"Eh?"
"What do I get when I win?" Al clarified.
"The joy of winning?" Scorpius suggested feebly.
"Score!" Al whined. "It's no fun if there's not something in it at the end!"
"Well what do you want?" Scorpius shot back. "We're both rich and not lacking for material things! Unless…" he paused, a devilish grin spreading across his face. "What if we did one of those, loser has to…fill in the blank…things?"
Al shrugged. "Fine. What do you have in mind?"
"Day after Valentine's Day, loser has to wear female knickers – and nothing else – to class."
"And where are you going to find female knickers to wear?" Al asked.
"I can easily talk a girl out of her knickers," Scorpius answered. "But it doesn't matter because you're going to lose, and luckily for you, you have a sister and a whole school full of female cousins to steal from."
Al couldn't help but smile at his friend's confidence. "Game on, Score," he said.
Scorpius smiled happily back. "Game on, Potter."
*
"Oh a Valentine's Day present? For me?"
Scorpius turned and gave Al a sly smile. It was 8 AM, Valentine's Day, and the boys, along with a vast majority of the school, were having oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast. The usual morning din of breakfast was interrupted, however, when an early owl swooped in with a large, red and pink box for the loudest girl in school, a self-centered, seventh year Gryffindor named Cathy. Scorpius had picked her to be his first victim, knowing that she'd make sure the whole school knew about her present.
Al raised his eyebrows, intrigued, as he watched Cathy unwrap her box and pull out a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
"From your secret admirer!" Cathy read aloud. Several of the professors up at the staff table 'awwed' and appeared to be commenting on how cute young love was. Scorpius' smirk grew.
"Three…two…one…"
"AHHHH!"
The largest flower, located in the center of the bouquet, had just emitted a pink slime that oozed down the front of Cathy's robes and smelled so horrendously that half of the Gryffindor table had to get up from their seats and take cover on the other side of the hall. Several Ravenclaws followed suit.
Scorpius grinned widely at Al and leaned back in his chair. "The Puking Pansy, native only to South America. Had it flown in last night," he explained while Professor Sprout led Cathy out of the Great Hall and the others returned to their breakfast.
"Impressive," Al nodded. The normal owl post was coming in now, and Al's eyes found a large tawny owl and followed it to the Hufflepuff table. "My turn."
Scorpius leaned forward, curious as to what Al could possibly do to trump his puking flower. He watched as Olga, the only known annoying Hufflepuff, unwrapped her white box and pulled out a small, cuddly white bunny, equipped with a red ribbon around its neck. Olga wasn't as loud as Cathy, so the boys could not hear what she was saying, but judging by her smile and her willingness to bring the bunny to her shoulder and hug it as one would a newborn, they gathered she liked it.
"Three….two…one…" Al counted.
"AHHHHHH!"
Olga pulled the bunny away to reveal two small streams of blood running down her neck from two small bite holes. She held the bunny at arm's length, staring at it in complete horror for a moment before dropping it upon the table and scooting her chair back. The bunny bared its fangs and lunged at her, aiming for her neck once again, and causing her to scream bloody murder, bat it away and stand up from her chair. She took off running, the bunny quick to follow her, all the while hissing as it chased its prey.
Pandemonium was mounting in the Great Hall as the bunny chased Olga, and students stood on their chairs – and some on the tables – in order to get away. Professor Flitwick, always willing to help, was running down from the staff table, yelling instructions to Olga. Olga, however, was too panicked to hear her professor, and when he got in her way, she picked him up and threw him across the Great Hall.
Defeated, Scorpius turned back towards Al.
"Vampire bunny, fresh from Transylvania," Al explained. He stood and grabbed his schoolbag, swinging it onto his shoulder and leaving the Great Hall with the air of someone who had come out on top.
Scorpius grabbed his own bag and followed his friend.
"Not bad," he conceded. "But remember what we said. It's not how many pranks we pull, or who has the better prank. It's whoever gets the last prank in before midnight. That's how we win this one."
"I'm well aware," Al replied lazily.
Couples laced the hallway, most of them talking in hushed whispers, the boys trying to find ways to touch their girlfriends without getting slapped for public indecency. Scorpius saw an opportunity and pulled out his wand.
"Imperio," he whispered, nudging Al so that he would pay attention. Al's green eyes followed Scorpius' wand to a fifth year couple standing just outside the Charms classroom. Scorpius grinned as the girl, for no apparent reason, suddenly slapped the boy across his face.
"I'm sorry!" she apologized at once, reaching out to her boyfriend. "Really, I don't know what came over me!" But the damage had been done; Al and Scorpius both heard the boyfriend mumble 'bitch' under his breath as he walked away, his right hand rubbing at his swollen cheek. Scorpius grinned at Al.
"Child's play," Al replied, pulling out his own wand, pointing it at a random couple and muttering "Imperio" under his breath. The boy, who had been keeping a respectable distance from the girl, suddenly grabbed her and started dry humping her leg like a puppy. Her slap resonated loudly down the hallway, and Scorpius grumbled under his breath.
He was going to have to up his game.
*
Al sighed wearily as he finished his lunch. His and Scorpius' pranks had escalated during their first class, but both were beginning to grow unimaginative by the end of their second. Al had even resorted to using his uncles' Fever Fudge to break up a happy couple kissing. It was pathetic, and he was already growing bored with the whole game.
"Hey, mate! How's lunch?" Scorpius asked suddenly, appearing out of nowhere and thumping Al on the back as he sat down beside him.
"Lackluster," Al replied drearily.
"You don't say," Scorpius mentioned, digging happily into his own lunch.
'At least one of us is having fun,' Al thought derisively.
"What happened to Sally-the-Slut?" Scorpius asked through a mouthful of bread, nodding towards the school slut, who was dressed in a baggy school uniform; the skirt went well past her knees.
"I placed her under a Chastity Charm," Al replied lazily. The boys watched for a minute as Sally told her most recent admirer to piss off.
"Nice," Scorpius complimented. "I did better though." He nodded towards the Gryffindor table. "You know how your cousin, Fred, is a famed sweet-talker?"
Al's eyes immediately sought out his cousin and watched, half horrified, half impressed, as Fred's newest girlfriend slapped him.
"You bastard!" she exclaimed loudly.
"I'm sorry, honey, but your breath stinks!" Fred shouted back.
"I put Veritaserum in his soup," Scorpius explained happily.
Al's jaw dropped as he slowly turned to face Scorpius.
"And that third nipple is really unattractive!" Fred continued, against his will.
"I didn't realize that our families were fair game!" Al exclaimed, ignoring his cousin's embarrassing dilemma.
Scorpius shrugged and continued eating. "Yours is," he replied. "I don't have family at this school."
"True," Al agreed, but the wheels inside his head were already turning, his interest in the game growing stronger. Scorpius didn't have family at the school, that was true…but he did have loved ones. Al suddenly stood up from the table. "I'm going on ahead to Divination," he said. "See you there?"
Scorpius nodded, unknowing of the evil plans that were already forming in Al's head. Al turned on his heel and walked out of the Great Hall, a smirk on his face as he pulled out a box of Chocolate Cauldrons filled with the strongest potion known to wizardkind. And lucky for him, Scorpius' most recent ex-girlfriend loved chocolate and always showed up to Divination early.
*
"Honestly, what the hell is going on?" Scorpius asked loudly as he pushed through the crowd outside of the Divination classroom. "No one's ever this excited for Professor Trelawney's bull shit!"
He continued to push through the students, some of whom moved out of the way rather readily, until he saw just what the commotion was about: Albus Severus Potter, the boy who had never dated in his life, had Scorpius' latest ex-girlfriend pressed up against the wall as he kissed her fervently. And the worst part was that she kissed him back, one hand knotted in his hair as she wrapped one leg around him and drew him closer.
Al opened his eyes and managed to grin at Scorpius as the girl continued to kiss him.
"Oh, you are going to wish you didn't do that, Potter," Scorpius threatened.
Al pulled away, just enough for the girl to transfer her kisses to his neck. "I don't know about that, Score," he said happily. "It's already mid-afternoon, and you're running out of ideas. I think I'll be fine."
"Alright, students, time for us to gaze into our crystal balls and…goodness, what's going on here?"
Scorpius grinned at Professor Trelawney, who was staring at Al's public make-out scene with wide, shocked eyes.
"Bet you didn't see that one coming," he commented as he turned and parted through the crowd once more.
"I…where are you going, Mr. Malfoy?" Professor Trelawney called after him. But Scorpius didn't reply. Instead he ran through the halls and down the staircases until he entered the Slytherin dormitory he shared with Al. He made a beeline for Al's trunk and opened it, rummaging through his friend's belongings as though they were his own.
"Come on, I know it's your week to have it, Al. Where is it?" he muttered as he continued to search through Al's trunk. Finally he found it, at the very bottom: The Marauder's Map. "Yes!" he exclaimed, sitting down upon his bed and opening the ancient parchment.
"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," he announced, touching his wand to the map. His eyes searched frantically until he found her. "There you are," he said, his lips twisting into a devilish grin. "Al's going to be pissed."
*
Scorpius Malfoy was the last person Lily expected to see sitting on the bathroom counter when she exited the stall. She stared at him, blinking in confusion for a moment, as though she thought her eyes were playing tricks on her.
"Hullo, my favorite girl Potter," he greeted.
"Malfoy, I'm the only girl Potter," Lily reasoned. "And this is a girl's bathroom!"
"I know," Scorpius replied airily. The door to the bathroom opened and a gangly second year entered, freezing as soon as she saw Scorpius sitting on the counter. He smiled jovially at her and held out a cylinder-shaped object. "Tampon?" he asked. The second year 'eeped' and ran from the room.
"What do you want, Malfoy?" Lily asked, crossing her arms and leaning against the stall. She was cautious; Scorpius rarely talked to her when Al wasn't present.
"Actually, I have a business proposition for you, Lily," Scorpius replied.
Lily narrowed her eyes. "And what's in it for me?"
"The pleasure of seeing your dear brother running around in women's knickers in public tomorrow."
One of Lily's eyebrows disappeared into her fiery fringe; she was interested. "And what do I have to do?"
*
Al had to bite back a curse as James grabbed a hold of the front of his robes and shook him angrily. "What did you do?" his older brother demanded.
"I don't understand the question, James," Al replied, prying his brother's fingers off of his robes.
James grabbed Al's shoulder fiercely and led him into the crowded Great Hall. He pointed to the Slytherin table, and Al looked to where his brother was pointing, only to see his baby sister sitting on his best friend's lap, her tongue down his throat.
"Scorpius would never make a move on Lily unless one of us prompted him to. So. What. Did. You. Do?"
Al didn't answer. He merely stared as his best friend snogged his little sister, his shoulders slumping, but not in defeat. He had a secret weapon, one which he didn't want to use but had no other choice. He slowly turned and walked out of the Great Hall.
"Hey!" James called after him. "Where are you going?"
"To the library," Al called back.
*
By early evening, the February clouds had parted just enough for the sun to tinge the snow-capped mountains pink, as if offering a bit of festive decorations before disappearing for another long, winter night. Scorpius frowned at the beautiful sight as he made his way to the janitor's closet. His hand clutched a note from his ex-girlfriend, asking him to meet her there, and he had no idea why he was really going. To gloat, most likely, though he didn't really feel much like gloating that evening.
Lily was pretty enough and a good kisser, but it had still felt almost incestuous to Scorpius, and it left a bad taste in his mouth, as though he knew he had gone too far. There were rules that best friends had to live by, and snogging little sisters was one of the big ones.
'But so is snogging ex-girlfriends,' he thought derisively as he stopped outside of the closet. He took a deep breath, braced himself, and entered.
"Look, Jenny, I…" He paused and nearly jumped out of his skin when the girl turned around. "Rose!?" he asked. She was the last person he expected to find.
"Malfoy," she replied icily.
Scorpius immediately turned to run away, but it was too late. The door was already closing, and he just barely caught Al's sly grin before it shut completely and locked. Panic welled in Scorpius' chest as he stared at the locked door. He tried to open it, even used magic, but to no avail. Al had outsmarted him. He turned back around, saw Rose standing in the corner, and groaned outwardly.
"As charming as ever," Rose muttered under her breath.
Scorpius racked his brain for some witty comeback, but ended up jumping as something burned his leg. Rose raised a quizzical eyebrow at his antics, no doubt questioning his sanity, but he ignored her, reached into his pocket, and took out the small, handheld mirror he used for communicating with Al.
Al's face grinned at him in the mirror. "I won, Score!"
Rose was watching curiously, so Scorpius turned away and hunched over the mirror. "The evening's still young, Al," he hissed. "Once you let us out, I'm going to prank you so bad, you'll be begging to be re-sorted into Gryffindor just to get away from me!"
Al's grin widened. "You see, that's the thing, Score. I'm not going to let you out. At least not until midnight."
"What!?" Scorpius was holding the mirror so tightly that he was surprised that it wasn't cracking.
"That's right, Score. You're trapped in that closet with the one girl you can't stand for the rest of Valentine's Day."
"You. Bastard. You would do this to your own cousin?"
Al's grin was irritating. "See you tomorrow, Score."
"No! No, you let us out right…Al? Al!" Scorpius swore when he only saw his own reflection in the mirror. His stomach twisted once again. Al was right; he had won. Scorpius was trapped for the rest of the evening with the one girl he could not get along with. He turned and saw said girl sitting quite comfortably on an overturned bucket. She was smiling pleasantly.
"You're going along with this?" he asked, leaning against the wall furthest from her and slowly sinking down to the floor in his despair.
Rose shrugged. "I owed Al one," she said nonchalantly.
Scorpius rolled his eyes. "Owing him one means writing an essay for him or something. This must be torture for you, agreeing to spend," he looked at his watch, "six hours with me!" He groaned at the very thought of spending six hours locked in a closet with Rose Weasley.
"Yes, Al was quite surprised that I agreed to it too," she admitted.
Scorpius knitted his brow in confusion. "Wait, Al didn't think you'd do this?" he asked.
Rose shook her head. "He was going to ask that Hufflepuff girl, Olga, if she would do it, but asked me first because he knew I'd annoy you more. He asked me, and before I could even reply, he was walking away to find Olga. I had to stop him to tell him I'd do it."
Scorpius glared at her. "Why are you doing this, Rose?" he asked slowly. "Really? And don't say you owed Al one; I know that's bullshit."
A corner of Rose's mouth pulled into a smirk, and she got off of the bucket in favor of sitting on her knees on the floor, right across from Scorpius.
"You silly boys," she said. "Neither of you suspected me of having my own plans."
"You're scaring me, Weasley," he said. "And yet I'm oddly intrigued. What are these plans you speak of?"
Rose's grin widened as she reached into the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a small bottle of Veritaserum. She then reached into her schoolbag, which Scorpius hadn't noticed lying on the floor, and pulled out a bottle of Firewhiskey. She poured the Veritaserum into the Firewhiskey and shook it up well.
"We take a drink, then say something about ourselves," she explained. "They'll have to be truths and the more we drink, the more…interesting…our truths will be."
Scorpius scowled. "And what makes you think I'll play along?"
Rose sent him a slightly exasperated look. "Because you're stuck in here for six hours. And because…" she paused and smiled slyly at him. "You're intrigued that I would do such a thing, and now you're wondering what else about me you don't know."
She held out the bottle. Scorpius eyed it for only a moment, then took it and took a sip. "I hate peas," he stated, handing the bottle back.
Rose rolled her eyes. "How original."
Scorpius shrugged. She sipped.
"I hate peas too."
*
Ten at night and Al was sitting up in bed, trying to focus on his homework and failing massively. He couldn't focus. While he had felt jubilant as soon as he had locked his best friend in the closet with his bossy cousin, he was now starting to worry. Rose and Scorpius were both smart, and just because they were locked in a room together, didn't mean they couldn't figure out some way to get back at Al. And Al did not want to wear his sister's knickers to class the next day. Even though he was at least fairly certain that she had some boy shorts that would at least hide his dignity to some extent, he still wouldn't look good in them, and he was starting to realize that he wouldn't have the guts to go through with it anyway. Scorpius would give him hell for years if he backed out though.
He looked at his watch. Two more hours.
*
"I didn't lose my virginity until two months ago."
"What!?" Rose sat up straighter, a lock of her curly hair falling into her face, which she drunkenly swatted away several times before she managed to get it behind her ear. "Everyone said…back in third year…"
"I started those rumors myself. Truth was that I was scared of sex. I only lost my virginity to rid myself of it so that it wouldn't scare me so much."
Scorpius hated that he was sharing so much with her, but it was a necessary evil. While he couldn't fight the Veritaserum, he was famed for being able to hold his liquor, and while he was admittedly slightly more drunk than what he would have liked, he was still in control, able to choose his truths carefully in order to win Rose over.
And it was working, too. As the hours progressed, Rose had moved closer and closer to him, until she was sitting right next to him, their arms and legs touching. Scorpius had a plan. He hadn't lost yet. And he hated to admit it, but he was actually having more fun than he expected. She was alright, that Weasley girl.
"Your turn," he slurred, handing the bottle over to Rose. He purposely let his fingers brush hers a little longer than a simple bottle-passing allowed. She stared at him, biting her lower lip and then threw her head back as she finished off the last of the Firewhiskey. Scorpius gazed at her inquisitively.
"I've had a crush on you since first year," she admitted.
Scorpius' eyebrows disappeared into his blonde locks in honest shock. He had expected the crush ever since she admitted to agreeing to be locked up with him; but to hear that she had harbored it for so long… He swallowed hard as she turned towards him, her hand resting on his shoulder.
"Really?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly. "That long?"
She was slowly climbing into his lap, her face mere inches from his and her lips parted. "Yeah," she whispered. "That's why I always did those horrible things to annoy you. I liked you too much."
He smiled and rested one hand on her waist, pulling her closer, while his other hand reached into his pocket and pulled out the mirror.
"If I had known that, Weasley, I would have had Al lock us in a closet together ages ago." The admittance scared him because it had to be true. He brushed his fear away though. Five minutes to midnight, he had to act fast.
He leaned forward slightly, gently brushing Rose's lips with his own. She kissed back, very gently at first, then wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and deepened the kiss with an intensity that shocked Scorpius.
He tapped the top-right corner of his mirror with his finger, turning it on, knowing that somewhere in the dungeons, Al was getting burned.
*
Al jumped when his leg suddenly seared with pain. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the mirror, half expecting to see Scorpius' angry face, demanding to be let out of the closet now that it was almost midnight. What he found, however, was something he never expected: Rose was kissing Scorpius fervently, and Scorpius was staring straight into the mirror, smiling up at Al.
Al watched, stupefied, as Scorpius turned his face slightly away from Rose's mouth. Rose, oblivious to the mirror, merely started kissing along his jaw and down to his neck. Scorpius' eyes shown with triumph as he mouthed 'I won' to Al, then turned the mirror off.
Al was left staring, incredulously, at his own reflection as the clock struck midnight.
"That. Bastard," was all he could say.
AN: I love Valentine's Day. So much so that I'm starting celebrations early. This one shot was incredibly fun. I thought it up and wrote it out all in one day a few weeks ago, and I had to restrain myself from posting it too early. But seeing as Valentine's Day is next week, I think I've waited long enough. I hope you all enjoy it!