Don't Say Goodbye

This is a quick one shot for a challenge over at sn.tv. It's about the night that Sam left the hunting for a 'normal' life. Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, neither is the show… just the words on this page.

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"Sa-am!" Dean moaned.

He was hovering. He'd been hovering over Sam since the kid had gotten home that evening… he'd been hovering over the kid since Sam had revealed his plans to him and he'd been hovering over the kid since Sam had revealed his plans to their dad…

"What Dean?" Sam all but snapped, tearing open his duffle bag and grabbing for the clothes that lay spread across the bed and floor.

"You don't have to do this." Please don't do this.

"You heard the boss, if I go I stay gone… that's the way it's gonna be." Sam hissed, chancing a look behind him at the apartment door, through the open doorway, which had been slammed ten minutes before as John Winchester left the room.

Dean sighed and dropped onto his bed, watching Sam as he crammed everything into his bag, "He didn't mean it Sam. He's just pissed…"

Sam paused and looked at Dean, a sardonic smile tracing his features, "The guy's always pissed Dean. He just wants to control us… use us in his stupid crusade and because I wanna do something different, he won't accept that. He won't accept that I don't want to live like this… I don't want to live the rest of my life like this!"

"So you're running away? That's it? You're just gonna leave?" Dean asked helplessly, his stomach twisted and his heart clenched with the realisation that there really was no getting through to Sam… and as there was no getting through to John either… "I don't want to lose you Sammy."

"You're not gonna lose me." Sam's gaze fell onto his duffle, his hands were shaking with rage and frustration and maybe even a little bit of fear.

Dean looked away, his gaze wandering as he tried to stop the tears from spilling over his already sore eyes. He was sure Sam didn't see and that's the way he wanted it to be.

"Yeah, I mean… between hunting ghouls and nasties, I'm sure I'll still have weekends to drive all the way over to Stanford to see you."

"There's the phone Dean." Sam said simply in reply to Dean's sarcasm, refusing to look up from his still shaking hands, refusing to let Dean see the fear that was shining so brightly through his eyes.

"I know…" But you won't have time for me anymore…

"Damn it." Sam swore out loud, throwing his duffle a little way off the bed, "Why does he have to be like this?"

Dean shook his head, unable to offer an answer, unable to give his brother the words that he needed. "Stay another week, just patch things up with Dad then go… you shouldn't leave like this. What if i-"

But the words fell dead on Dean's lips and he stood up to pace, scrubbing a hand through his hair and across his face as he did so.

"You know I can't do that. If I stay… it's so far beyond being patched up now. He's…" Sam started to answer his brother's request, only just now registering the last part… the what if.. "What if what Dean? What were you gonna say?"

"I just don't want something to happen and then be left regretting that things were left like this. We could get hurt hunting… you could get hurt somehow. I couldn't stand knowing that the last words you and Dad shared were bitter and resentful."

"No one's gonna get hurt Dean. Hell, you should know better than anyone that there's more chance I'll get hurt staying and hunting." Sam shrugged, sitting on the bed and facing away from the pacing Dean, "And Dad… the guy just keeps on ticking. He's like the friggin' Duracell bunny." And you… you can't get hurt. It would kill me...

Sam was still staring straight ahead when he heard Dean rush up behind him and felt him leaning on the bed to grab the duffel. He span around and looked at his brother wide eyed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm helping you pack…" The words weren't angry, they weren't sad… they were just acceptance. They were Dean deciding that no matter what he said or did, Sam was still gonna leave and Dean would rather his brother know that as angry as their father was, and as scared to hell Dean was, he'd still be there.

"Dean…" Sam started, unable to stop a stray tear from rolling down his cheek. He knew if Dean had kept pushing and pulling the right strings, he would have broken and then there'd have been no way he could have made it out the door. He had expected as much but this… was a surprise.

He smiled, thankful.

"Dude, you wanna check your mascara before we go?" Dean quirked an eyebrow, burrowing the aching in his chest and fighting against the lump in his throat.

Sam shook his head in dismissal, his smile widening a little, just enough for a dimple to show on one side. He continued to watch as Dean rummaged through a drawer and pulled out several items that were definitely not normal college material.

"Promise me Sammy," Dean began as he burrowed the knife among the clothes and laid the holy water out flat, "Promise me you'll look after yourself and you won't forget what's out there…"

All I wanna do is forget what's out there. I just want to live a normal life. But Sam didn't voice his thoughts, he was at least gonna be considerate that much. "I'll try."

Dean eyed his brother carefully, looking him up and down with scrutinising eyes. "What times your bus?"

"In an hour." Sam replied, barely able to believe this was happening… it was actually happening. He was going to college. He was leaving the hunting life behind, leaving all those fights with his dad behind, leaving all the pain, the bruises, scars and emotional torment behind… leaving his father and Dean behind. His heartbeat quickened and his eyes took on a sheen similar to that of a deer caught in the head lights.

I can't do this. I can't do this on my own. What the hell was I thinking? He turned away from Dean quickly, trying to mask the fear no longer just shining brightly in his eyes but probably illuminating the whole frickin' room too. Then Dean said it…

"I'm proud of you Sammy."

It was barely above a whisper but Sam heard it and his heart eased a little, breathing became natural and steady once again and he nodded. "Thanks Dean."

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He leaned against the wall, well hidden in the shadows, just watching and waiting. Dean came out first, followed by Sam and John felt like his chest was being torn apart as he saw Dean throw Sam's duffle into the back. He hadn't wanted it to be this way. He didn't want Sam to be just leaving like that; he didn't want Sam to be leaving at all.

He watched as the Impala tore away in the direction of the bus station. It wasn't that he didn't want Sam to have a better life… he wanted Sam to be safe. And if Sam was away from his family, John couldn't make sure that would happen.

He was proud of his sons. He was proud of the way they handled themselves, the way they looked out for each other… he was proud that Sam had the courage to go to college and to try and he was proud that Dean had the courage to sacrifice his chance of the same taste of normal life when he'd had the chance them few years back.

He'd lost Mary… he didn't want to lose his sons too. And sometimes he knew that maybe he held on too tight… then there were other times when he didn't hold on tight enough.

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Thanks for reading!