Author's Note: This is very short and a bit Crackficcy, but I couldn't resist writing it! Someone asked me to write Snape in a strip club, and, well, you'll see how that turns out...
Beauty and the Bat
Severus Snape walks into strip club, his back as rigid as a board. An attractive woman wearing very little approaches him as he enters.
"Hello there, gorgeous, how can I help you tonight?" she says, licking her lips suggestively.
"Good evening," he says softly, his eyes betraying no emotion.
"Ooh, that voice gives me the shivers," the woman replies, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. "I may just have to keep you for myself tonight."
"Madam…I-" Snape is cut off abruptly as the woman wraps her pink feather boa around his dark robes and pulls him closer to her.
"Shh, it's okay, Miss Suzie is here for you now," she purrs.
In one fluid movement, Snape ducks and escapes from the boa easily.
"Thank you, but what I really need is-"
"Ah, you want the House Special, don't you? I like a man who's direct." Miss Suzie grabs his hand in a surprisingly tight grip and begins leading him down the hall.
"No, that is not what I require."
She stops and turns, her eyes growing wide with understanding.
"Oh, my," she squeaks, "you are a dirty man, aren't you?"
Severus looks down at his robes and frowns. "I do not believe so, madam."
She changes direction and begins leading him towards the stairs instead.
"Madam, please. Wait."
"If it's about the payment, we can decide upon that after I…evaluate your abilities," Suzie says.
Snape's eyes widen with understanding and he stops so abruptly that Miss Suzie jerks backwards on her three-inch heels and nearly falls on her arse.
"Madam."
"Yes?"
"Would you please point me in the direction of your pay phone?"
Miss Suzie deflates visibly and points to a small alcove hidden by a beaded curtain.
"Thank you."