It wasn't getting any easier.
He'd told himself time and time again that he had a mission to continue; that at the very least, seeking Sephiroth would provide some sort of revenge. He could only hope that some type, any type of closure may come with it.
It was there every time he closed his eyes. Her damned smile. She'd known, she had to have, that it was coming. She knew and she still smiled. She'd accepted it with the same kind of grace that he'd never understand and likely would never fully accept.
Perhaps the bit that bothered him most was how strikingly similar it had been to losing him. Cloud had been there to see both of them become lost to him, for the sake of something bigger, and both of them had let the light leave their eyes with a smile across their lips.
Were he a better man, a stronger man, he'd maybe find peace in it. Instead, anger and frustration curdled, sitting thick and sour in the pit of his stomach.
She'd saved the planet, they'd killed the bad guy, all was meant to be well, right? Then why was there nothing but a hollow ache where the others seemed to find victory? Why was there no sense of accomplishment?
"Cloud?" A soft voice broke through the darkness, as he eyed off the familiar outline beside his tent. He remained silent in the hopes that she would leave. That she'd assume he'd found sleep some time amongst the racket of Barret and Cid bickering over battle details, over a few too many beers. He had no luck, as she sat beside him, her silhouette an ever existent presence in his life. Somehow, he found a little calm came with it.
"You're allowed to grieve," She spoke softly, wisps of her hair brushing against the canvas of his tent as she did so, "But you should know you're also allowed to accept accomplishment as well. We did good, Cloud. You did good."
He almost scoffed.
Almost.
Instead, the silence settled between them again as she tilted her head back and gazed at the stars, her shadow cast against the tent by the camp fire that most of the others had willingly curled up by or passed out beside in a stupor.
"She's watching, you know. I guarantee it. Both of them probably are," She murmured, and how she knew that he was thinking of them both, Cloud would never knew. It was one of the many gifts that Tifa possessed, that Cloud refused to question. Some things were easier to accept than others.
A soft sigh left her lips, as she turned her gaze back down, her fingers tugging on the grass by her thighs, and Cloud ached. He ached with the knowledge that she hurt as he did, and yet, was better equipped to... to keep her shit together. He ached over the fact that there should have been another face amongst them tonight, celebrating another victory against the odds, and jeering at each other's fighting techniques in good natured fun. He ached for a familiar arm slung over his shoulder, ruffling his hair, its owner bounding along with endless enthusiasm for life and a smug kind of satisfaction that only came with the title of 'First Class'.
They had gained so very much today, and yet, he could only seem to focus on the losses.
Something had to give.
"We did do good," he repeated out loud, voice weary, and he watched as her shadow nodded; could almost picture the smile on her lips as she continued to pluck at the grass between her fingers.
"Yeah," She replied softly, almost distantly, "Where to from here?"
He lay flat on his back once more, catching the barest twinkling of a star through the hole in the roof of his tent, and he realised he didn't have an answer for her. He rest his head back against his crossed arms, absent mindedly twisting a blond lock through his fingers, a memory dragged forwards by the action.
'You need a damn haircut, dude,' Zack grinned, fingers twisting playfully through the cadet's locks as Cloud scowled and swatted at the space invading SOLDIER.
'You can't really talk, backwater boy,' Cloud teased back, before Zack flung an arm around him and proceeded to give the blond the noogie of a life time.
'Where do you wanna go now?' Zack asked, as Cloud, pink faced and over-exerted flopped back onto the nearby bench and sighed. They were on day leave on the same day for once, and Cloud was at a loss for how to spend it.
'You know, you don't actually need an answer,' Zack grinned, flopping down beside him and stretching languidly, 'You can go anywhere you want and there's always gonna be people willing to follow. In this case, me. Not always going to have as great of a follower, but I still expect big things for you.'
'Whatever you say, sir,' Cloud had drawled, and Zack had proceeded to pinch him every which place until the cadet had wheezed his way to resignation. They hadn't ended up leaving that park bench for the rest of the afternoon, but Cloud came to realise that maybe it wasn't where he was meant to be going, but who he was with when he decided to go.
He sat up and leaned against his knees, as Tifa turned to face him through the tent wall.
"Cloud?" She queried, concern lilting through that single word, as a small smile crept along his lips.
"I don't really know," He replied slowly, "But I think we've all done okay improvising so far."
There was a soft sound of amusement from Tifa then, as her gaze returned to the sky.
"I think you're right," She replied quietly, as the pair fell into silence once more.
A/N: guess who's re-playing FFVII? Hint: It's me. I am.
Guess who's also trying to gradually sneak back into this cosy little fandom? Hint: Also me.
Key word gradually. Hello, though. Hi. Heyyy. How you doin'?
Anyway, please review. Cheers.