"You know, you-you can, right?" Yumiko's feet moved slowly forward; the raven haired found herself once again being drawn to making yet another attempt at small talk with her once rescuer.
Miko swallowed, her brown eyes observing the brunette as she sat: back stiff against a tree; knife in hand; guarded eyes cautiously scanning the parameter.
"I can what?" The raven haired's questionable form of greeting left Magna un-phased, and Yumiko quietly chuckled at the seriousness—catching as her guarded eyes continued to survey their immediate surroundings. It was getting dark.
"You can join them. Go over there. They...they don't bite," Yumiko's feet stopped instantly beside the brunette, garnering attention. Miko sensed as her brown eyes looked up and fixed upon her in judgment.
...
"Shit. That, uh, that was a bad joke," the raven haired scrunched her face in self-deprecation and she shook her head, her hand running though gritty locks of hair.
"Well, acceptance is the first step."
"Ha ha, real funny," Yumiko lowered to sit down onto the ground next to her, her head still shaking.
"No, not really."
"Yeah, I actually agree with you on that," Miko deadpanned as her fingers nervously tore at pieces of grass at the short responses and overall lack thereof.
Yumiko could feel the heat on her face and could hear the pops and crackles from their small, lit fire. She could hear the sounds of light laughter as Connie and Kelly attempted to teach their newest rescuee sign language 101; Yumiko's lips pushed upward at Luke's eager display to learn.
"Really, you should go over there. Luke even has a bottle of bourbon that was stored in one of his music cases. He-"
"Seeing as to how somebody should be alert and keep watch while everybody else lets loose." The raven haired paused at the underlying tone, carefully contemplating.
"If...if that's the case, then...I can take watch for a while if you want," Yumiko turned her head, eyeing her un-chatty conversation partner.
"No, it's okay. I'm fine right here." Miko was met with Magna's iron defenses.
The raven haired watched as the brunette redirected her gaze—her eyes staring intently at the bright flickers of flame; the fire's warm shadows moving across her stoic face in mesmerizing patterns.
Yumiko bit her lip, deciding to put forth one last, ditch effort.
...
"Are you afraid that you'll have just a fraction of fun?"
"A fraction of fun? Wow, uh, no. I guess you could say I'm just not a-a social butterfly like you." Miko fully anticipated the brunette's sarcastic deflection. What she didn't anticipate was the chink in the iron mask. Yumiko caught the small bobble in Magna's throat; she saw as her lips pulled downward into a microscopic frown.
Magna could feel a pair of eyes train upon her.
...
...
...
"What?" She turned to look at Miko.
...
"You are, aren't you?" The raven haired's brow furrowed in question.
"What?"
...
...
"Afraid."
"Of going over there?" A preposterous tone colored the brunette's words—was etched across her face.
"No."
"Of what, then?"
Yumiko cleared her throat, daring to continue in the quickly heated engagement.
"Well, having traveled with you for a while now. And, seeing as to how you're always—always—on guard; never one to disclose any real information about yourself—past, present, or hopes of future. I'd guess. Tell me if I'm wrong. No, I-I know you will, actually. But, you're afraid...to open up; let people in; to feel."
"I feel annoyed right now," Magna quickly turned her gaze back towards the fire. The raven haired could see the outline of her tightly clenched jaw; she caught as her hand gripped hard onto the handle of her most trusted knife.
"It's not what I meant, and you know it," Yumiko pressed carefully.
...
...
"Magna, you...you are allowed to experience a win; to enjoy just a little semblance of happiness since they're few, far, and in between these days."
"Is that what that is?" Magna's hand moved and pointed in the direction of the others. "I thought that was a-"
"MAGNA," Yumiko's surprising firm tone managed to stop the brunette right in her tracks, and Miko watched as her younger comrade chewed heavily on her bottom lip—her brow furrowed deep in thought.
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"What if...w...what if I don't deserve it?" Miko was caught off guard by the unintended confession—barely registering the soft spoken words over the crackles of the fire. The raven haired shook her head, unmistakably taken back by the brunette's sheer, open honesty and by the haunted look in usually steeled eyes.
"I...I don't...I don't know what you're talking about. Deserve? What are y-"
"Look, Yumiko. Like you said, we've been traveling together for a while now, but I...I really-really don't know anything about you. You...you don't know me. Fuck, y...you don't know all the bad things that I've done," Magna's voice dropped into a pained whisper, her jaw jutting and her eyes cut low to the ground in shame.
Miko eyed as the brunette rubbed heavily at her gloved hand. She released a heavy breath.
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"Magna, I'm pretty sure we've all had to do our share of things we're not proud of. That's life—the world we live in; we do what we have to do to survive. But I...I don't think it's worth torturing yourself over day in and day out. If you cut yourself off from feeling anything, then what really separates us from them?"
Yumiko sensed that her words fell on deft ears, seeing as the brunette shook her head—her lips turned downward into a deep frown.
...
"What if I said 'm not a good person—was a-a good person?" Magna winced at her whispered admission—at the heavy weight at her chest from all of her former trespasses...from all of the many marks in her ledger.
Miko's brow furrowed at the weighted confession. She licked her lips.
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"Look, you're right. I...I don't know you. I'm trying to get to though, but...but what I do know is this: you risked your life today for a complete stranger. You didn't have to for him, for Connie and Kelly, or for me—however long ago that was—that of which I'm grateful," Yumiko scooted closer towards the brunette. "But the way I see it: it doesn't matter who you were be...before the world went to shit; what things you did or didn't do, it...What fucking difference does it make? All that matters is what you choose to do in the present—in the here and now. Who you want to be in the moments you have left—however long or short they may be."
Magna was hearing all that Miko was saying, and while it sounded good in theory, the brunette knew that it just...it didn't apply.
Magna knew that only good people—good people—truly deserved happiness. And, well she...she wasn't one of them. And so regardless—regardless—of all of the good things that she would try and do, the brunette knew that it would never be enough for real redemption—for happiness. There would always be a penance to pay.
Fuck this.
The brunette struggled in choking down the rising lump in her throat, opting to forgo any more of their fucking conversation.
"Wow, that was deep. Did you get that from a fortune cookie?"
The brunette decided that deflecting was ultimately better than dealing—than being reminded of all of her many-many failures. It was better than feeling. Her plan backfired though—cracked and crumbled to ash—by just a single, unmistakable look.
Shit, Magna's chest twinged unexpectedly with guilt—her brown eyes looking up from the ground to meet brown eyes. Why did she have to-? Maybe she shouldn't have-.
The brunette shook her head, her stomach twisting.
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"'M...'m sorry. You...you we're just trying to be nice, and I-"
"It...it's okay." Though seriously taken aback by her conversation partner's abrupt change, Yumiko had sensed a real, genuine remorse—thinking there may actually be hope for her yet. Miko tried to dispel the situation the best she could.
"You don't get this far into the apocalypse with having thin skin, regardless of what color it may be." The raven haired's remark was effective as Magna stopped shaking her head.
"That was another bad joke," Miko acknowledged softly.
...
"Yeah"
The two women sat still in awkward silence, both avoiding looking at the other and both staring at the glowing embers of fire. Yumiko bit her lip, though still feeling a pull.
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"And I'm...I'm Japanese, by the way—not Chinese. But I moved to England with my family when I was younger." Yumiko didn't know why she was revealing all of this to the brunette. It was probably because of the same reason why she had attempted time and again to talk to her in the first place.
Miko saw as Magna turned her head to look at her, this time in genuine interest.
"And how did you end up here? I mean...You know what I mean."
Yumiko paused at the question, feeling her lips curl upward into a sad smile.
"I studied abroad. Fell in love, and well, that...that's enough on that...for now," Magna watched as the raven haired's lips slowly morphed into a frown; the fire's shadows dancing across her melancholic features; the pull of a too painful memory evident in her soft, brown eyes.
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"Fair enough."
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"Yeah," Yumiko breathlessly agreed, moving to stand up from her seated position;her calloused fingers tucking loose strands of hairs behind her ear. The raven haired was just about to go and join the others, but she stopped—instead looking to the brunette.
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"And...and for what it's worth, Magna, I...I think that you're a good person...Except for when you're being a complete ass."
Magna looked up at Miko in the moment and her eyebrow raised at the open remark; at the hint of a smirk written across her face.
"What? Somebody's gotta keep you grounded."
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"Maybe," Magna acknowledged her quietly, her own lips pushing upward into a small smile. The raven haired swallowed at the sight, unable to refrain.
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"You know, it...it looks good on you."
Magna's head tilted in curious question.
"What?"
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...
"A smile. You should do it more often," Yumiko nodded to the brunette in subtle gesture; her feet then turned to walk back towards Connie, Kelly, and Luke.
Magna watched intently as Miko signed to the others in greeting and took a glass bottle away from Luke's hand—slowly taking a drink; Magna's lips ghosted upward at the sight.