'And When He Left'
Disclaimer: I don't own GH...
A/N: This little thing can be considered a kind of tangent from the events that happened before the story 'And Then Came A Duke' – it can be read as a stand-alone as well but it's easier to get into the emotions when you know the story itself.
Inspired by Elm's suggestion for a prequel thingie – I hope that this is good enough Elm!
Also to those who have read my story ATCAD – I'd like an opinion guys, since you know that in ATCAD, Yasu and Masako are a couple as well, so I was wondering if I should write their series as well (since Gene also makes an appearance in it – a lot of times actually :D). So if you have any opinions do tell me! I know that not many people ship this couple but hey – I wanna give it a try. What say? Anyways – read and comment. I'd be happy.
'I can look into your eyes and I'll swear that I will change
But tomorrow is tomorrow so forgive me if I stay
You can hide beneath the covers while I hide behind the pain
After all, only so much we can say
Words can lose their meaning, once you walk away…'
-Lion/Hollywood Undead
It had been the quietest day of his life…
"Noll…"
There was a stillness to everything that his eyes beheld, an unexpected silence that chose to strangle him; much like a never-ending void in which he was lost, stumbling to find a place out.
But he couldn't live here – not amidst this remembrance, not in this mourning where he woke up every day, knowing that he was failing someone.
This wasn't a life meant for him.
"Noll…" His voice was torn, hoarse. "Please…"
Oliver didn't turn around, he just stood facing the window… seemingly lost in his own world – but Gene knew better.
Look at me! His mind screamed at the reticent twin. Face me, damn you!
And when Oliver looked at him, finally… he almost wished that he hadn't…
His twin's face was pale, tired bags under his eyes – but even in this exhaustion, Gene could see the anger of his twin, in the pursing of his lips, in the clenching of his jaw, in the tautness of the skin over his fisted knuckles exposing the blue coloured veins that ran through him.
But he still had to tell Noll, he owed him this much truth.
"I'm leaving…" His words were caught in the knot that was rapidly forming in his throat but Noll still understood, he still understood what he was saying. "I can't stay here."
Say something…
"I'm eighteen." He added, staring his twin in the blue orbs that reflected him. "I want to be free. I want to see the world. I can't stay because I'll ruin everything…"
Noll closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, Gene saw something very different in them… it wasn't fury, it wasn't hatred, it wasn't even pity but it was something worse.
Coldness.
But why couldn't he understand? If Gene stayed here, he would hurt everyone – he had always been a failure when it came to handling things, he could do everything but duties… no matter how good his intentions were, he could not be entrusted with the welfare of his tenants, their children, their lives. He couldn't be the Duke…
Never…
"This isn't a life for me." The words were strictly private but he was saying them, explaining the situation to Noll, letting him know his deepest fears. "I can't be a Duke, Noll. I'll make a muck of everything and then – "
Indifference.
That was when Noll finally spoke, the harshness in his eyes making him flinch.
"I apologize, Eugene." His words were worse than any stab, they pounded against his head, making everything a dull haze. "But I can't bring myself to pity your situation…"
"Noll – "
"You say that you'll make a mess of everything." The coldness in Noll's eyes was unnerving. "But did you ever stop to think about the mess you'll be leaving behind?"
"I – "
"It is always about you, isn't it." The volume of Noll's monotonous voice was rising with each word but his voice was emotionless. "It's always about your dreams and your duties and your wishes."
Gene averted his eyes, too frustrated to string proper sentences together; he had no wish to argue with his twin, not when Noll was in such a mood.
And to think that he'd once been proud that they never fought.
His pride was shattering before his eyes when Noll clutched at the collar of his shirt, tightening his fist over it.
"It was never about Mother, was it?" His voice was so low, so painful to his ears. "It was never about the way she mourned for Father, you never heard her cry every time she remembered something about him."
It had been a year since Martin's death.
And his mother… still cried -?
Silence… it covered them, unwavering until Noll's low, sharp voice sliced through it.
"You did not because you never cared."
Gene looked up, eyes wide, startled.
"You never cared for her happiness." Noll's short laughter was mirthless, dry. "What will she do after you go? Perhaps clutch at your shirts and cry."
He let go off his collar, his hand clutching nothing but air and Gene stumbled back, his eyes unfocused as he drew in a shaky breath.
"Noll…" His own voice sounded tired, scratched. "You're not trying to understa-"
"I despise your selfishness."
Eugene could only stare at his mirror image in shock.
"And I," The words from his twin were the final blows, they struck something in him, something vital. "- despise you."
And that part died…
"I hope I never see you again."
His twin said nothing more but just brushed past against him, striding out of the library – the last sound he heard was the slamming shut of the oak door.
So he stood there… in the middle of the library, trying to swallow the hurt, the betrayal the anger.
But it was too late to turn back, too late to change his decisions…
All Eugene Davis, Eleventh Duke of Shibuya could do was stare around the room as the words from their conversation whirred past him in a blur of sound and colour, making his head throb.
I despise your selfishness…
Would Noll ever forgive him?
I despise you…
He wouldn't…
But he was going to return, and as he collected the scattered pieces of composure, he silently promised something to himself.
I hope I never see you again.
He was going to return. He was going to return after he'd gathered himself, after he could be trusted with the responsibilities of a Duke, after he'd achieved a modicum of respectability – he would return. He wouldn't let Noll down, he wouldn't let his mother down, not for anything in this world.
So he left…
But when he boarded the ship, he couldn't bring himself to shake off the feeling that he was doing the wrong thing, even if his decision was a right one – after all, he was going to return… he had promised to himself.
And he kept his promises – always…
What he didn't know was that some promises were made to be broken.
That you couldn't keep some promises even if you wish, that you left pieces of yourself behind when you walked away, that those pieces breathed even after you stopped. That they always haunted the people who knew them, that some things were unpredictable, inexplicable, fickle.
Like life, like existence…
So he left – only never to return…
"We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there."
― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon
A/N: Comments and suggestions are more than welcomed :)
P.S: My exams end tomorrow but the second round starts almost simultaneously, I just wanted to say thank you to all those who reviewed on ATCAD and wished me good luck. You have no idea how that helped! :D
Love & Cookies~
-borntoflyhigh-