Disclaimers: All characters belong to JK Rowling. (Do you seriously think I would have killed a certain character if I had any say in it?)

***WARNING***  This may contain some MILD swearing, HINTS at suicidal feelings (no one gets killed, don't worry… I'm not JKR…), and MAYBE some slash later on (though it's implied from the beginning, if you read carefully between the lines). Don't like? Don't read. Flame me if you want to, but you've been warned. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Author's Notes 1: I'm Italian, and I don't have a beta reader (not really sure how that works anyway), so I've probably made tons of mistakes (Americanisms, spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, etc.). Feel free to write me if you find any.. and I'll make sure I correct them. :)

Author's Note 2: I have the general plot all here in my head, but I still haven't written down the whole story… so, suggestions/ideas/etc are always welcome. The first chapter is pretty much just General… I'm introducing the situation. A month has gone by since Sirius' death, and Lupin still refuses to mourn him, or even acknowledge his death. In the "prisoner of Azkaban" he found his long lost friend, and thought he had a whole life to sort out certain feelings… but as we all know in the "order of the phoenix" he finds himself all alone once again. He's lost his best friend not once, but twice. Plus, he knows deep in his heart –though he's never admitted it to himself- that his feelings for Sirius were not just brotherly. Of course, he'd never talked about it with Sirius. And now he has to face the rest of his life without him. Anyways, it will all be explained in due time.  :)

Tonks appears as a friend (before converting to L/S I was a tenacious Tonks/Lupin shipper.. :)

Snape also appears (along with Lupin and Sirius he's one of my favorite characters). Will become a Lupin/Snape friendship later on.

***********************  MOONY *********************************

***** CHAPTER 1 *****

** DENIAL **

Lupin had been sitting on that chair the whole evening, pretending to read, but in fact staring off into space, when Tonks finally got tired of it, and burst out

"So, are you gonna do something or not?" It took Lupin a while to realize she'd spoken up; he turned his head towards her, who was comfortably sprawled on the sofa. They were in the living room of Grimmauld Place, the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, and they were alone. Dumbledore was at Hogwarts, as was Hagrid. Mundungus and Sacklebolt were off somewhere, each on a different mission. Tonks just happened to be free and have no place else to be.

"Do what? What do you mean?" asked Lupin, dumbfounded. Tonks rolled her eyes as she sat up, displaying her most serious expression.

"Oh, come on. You know what I'm talking about."

Lupin finally understood, but made no answer. They'd had this conversation again and again, since right after S—for a while now. Ever since 'That Day' everyone had tried to comfort him some way, but when they'd realized he just wanted to be left alone, they'd given up –even Dumbledore, busy as he was with his plans. Tonks hadn't. Instead, she kept pressuring him about—

She interrupted his trail of thoughts. "Remus, you won't get rid of the problem by avoiding it."

"There *is* no problem. I'm a member of the Order, and I'm here to do my job. I have my missions, I attend the summits, I drink the potion and lock myself up every full moon. I *am* doing my job. Nothing's wrong. So why don't you just drop it?"

He was angry for her intrusion, she knew he must be. Yet, his tone was detached, and he wouldn't let down his I'm-off-somewhere-else-do-not-disturb-me attitude of his. If any, it made her even more determined. She rose from the couch and walked up to him.

"Alright. Alright. Listen to me. Now this is what I thought…"

She watched as he hid behind that wall he'd built to separate himself from the rest of humanity and prepared for battle.

"There is nothing more to add. I already know what you think. You just remind me every single time you see me. Now, if you'll just let me—"

He made to turn to the book, but she leapt forward and snatched it off his hand, then threw it to the wall. Of course, being Tonks, she accidentally sent it in the direction of the bookcase, knocking off some goblets before falling to the floor.

"No. I won't 'let you' do anything. You cannot avoid this forever. Don't you see it? You need HELP! It's not like anyone hasn't noticed, you know… your not *that* good. They just dismiss it as some regular post-trauma thing or something, and they let you be. Now, I know that's precisely what you want… but that was exactly what got me suspicious in the first place." She paused, then decided it was no use in beating about the bush.

"I know you're hurt. Hell, I certainly don't have to tell you how *you* are feeling."

Lupin's expression was still blank, but he'd clenched his fists until his knuckles had become white, and he hoped she wouldn't notice.

"I miss him too. We all do." She said gently.

"You –don't understand…" he barely let out.

"No, Lupin. I think I do understand. Sirius…" at the mention of that name Lupin started, his eyes widening for an instant. "…was the only member of my family –besides my parents- whom I loved. He had been a kind of a big brother for me, and even though never saw much of each other, that doesn't change what he meant to me. I loved him."

Lupin shut his eyes tightly.  Go away, he thought. I'm not listening, I'm not…

"It is tough" she went on, and was so close now that she could reach out a hand…and she did. She touched his shoulder, tentatively at first, then more firmly. His eyes were a bit shimmering now.

"It is tough to live with it, knowing how easy it would have been for things to be different. And yet… somehow I feel like your sorrow is deeper than ours put together. And that's saying a lot, since Harry is included. You scare me. And I can assure you… you won't be able to keep this all inside you, not forever. You can't just bottle and bottle and bottle up. Just tell SOMEONE. Not necessarily me, of course. Go to Dumbledore. To Arthur… Please, Remus. Please. You have to find in yourself the will to move on--"

Lupin had silently listened to her, apparently untouched by her words. He had his eyes closed, but now opened them and deliberately looked at her. She fell silent. His eyes were so …sad. No. Not just sad. It wasn't just 'hurting'. It was unbearable. He didn't need to utter a single word… he just let her see it, and she found her own eyes were watering.

"Merlin, I'm so sorry…" she let out, while instinctively kneeling down and hugging him as tight as she could, not caring if she hurt him. Lupin let her hold him for a while; then he pulled away, gently but firmly, just so he could look at her again. And there he was, the same impenetrable wall was back, and she'd once again shut her off.

"I can't let go" he explained, softly. "Because if I do, I know I'll die." He paused. "Harry needs me. Or, rather, he needs me to *not* leave him like He did."

Tonks was touched beyond words, but at the same time she wanted to slap him, to yell at his that he had to do *something*, had to tell someone, had to let go. That he couldn't just wait to waste away slowly, until nothing would be left of him. She desperately wanted him to feel better. But she didn't know how. So, as his hands reached up to cup her cheeks in a caring gesture, she leaned in and brushed her lips with his. She hoped her tender kiss managed to get through to him, showing him how much she cared, how much she wanted him to be okay. She felt his lips curl up in the faintest hint of a smile, and knew he'd understood.

Suddenly, with a crack, the door slammed open, and Snape strode into the room.

"Lupin, where the hell are--" He stopped dead. His eyes darted from him, to Tonks, then back again. Tonks pulled away quickly, tripped on a nearby chair, knocking it off, and ended up on the floor, her cheeks bright red. Lupin made to help her, but she shook her head, unable to look at either of them, and stoop up. It was obvious that –after everything she'd done– whatever she said would only worsen the situation.

It was just that…professor Snape made her nervous. Extremely nervous. She couldn't help it, she was one of the million other people on whom he had this effect. Only, when she was nervous, she became even *clumsier*, if such a thing was possible, and that wasn't a good thing in situations like these.

Snape raised an eyebrow at her, misunderstanding the guilty expression on her face. He looked like he had no intention of leaving the room, so Tonks turned towards Lupin, and seeing the twinkle in his eyes telling her it was okay –or at least as okay as it could be- she excused herself and rushed out, barely leaving time for Lupin to call after her.

"Good night, Tonks."

"So." Snape's voice couldn't have possibly been colder. If you looked hard enough you could actually see the vibes of loathing radiating from him, but Lupin wasn't in the mood to argue –or to do anything else, for that matter.

'You need help…' Tonk's voice echoed in his mind, but he dismissed it.

"Is there something you wanted to tell me, Severus?" Snape flinched at the sound of his first name on Lupin's lips, but didn't answer. He was determined not to let him get away with 'what had just happened'.

"Oh, please. It's not what you think.." Lupin began, but Snape cut him off.

"Do you have any idea—"

"It is *not* what you think." Lupin said again, calmly.

"Really. Then what the hell was that?" He made no effort at hiding his disgust.

Lupin sighed. Maybe a little truth wouldn't hurt, at this point. Snape wouldn't believe him anyways.

"She was.. trying to convince me to do something I'm a bit reluctant to do."

Snape smirked mirthlessly.

"You sure looked like you wanted her to stop…" he commented.

"*YOU* need to stop that right now."

Suddenly it downed on Lupin. Maybe he didn't need 'human' help… but there *was* something he'd looked for over and over again, never being able to find it anywhere…not even in Knockturn Alley… He realized Snape was still talking, and returned his attention to him.

"..is it, then? Trying to take advantage of the fact that the poor girl –I won't waste time pointing out that she's barely *not* a student, and not particularly intelligent –has just lost a family member?"

Lupin's eyes widened in shock, snapping up at him. Snape knew then that he'd gone too far. The mere look on Lupin's eyes made him shift uncomfortably. The werewolf's gaze hardened for a fleeting instant, and he looked like he wanted to kill Snape with his bare hands –or himself, maybe, Snape realized with a certain amount of surprise. Then Lupin's expression went blank again.

"She was trying to convince me…" he said slowly, "I need…" he took a deep breath. "*She* thinks I need help."

Snape was looking down at him, his eyes unreadable. He seemed to consider Lupin's words. He had understood what it was all about. Or at least, he had a good guess, because the brat had begun pretty good at disguising his feelings. He looked so detached from the whole thing –too much, in fact– that there just had to behind that barricade. It was some kind of personal, private sorrow for him. Snape couldn't understand how one could possibly have liked Black, let alone love him, like they all seemed to –even Dumbledore, for Merlin's sake! He'd been the same bastard of the old days at school.

But. Snape understood pain. So he swallowed back a nasty comment about how nice it would be to get him locked in St. Mungo's –he felt real bad now for joking about Black's death earlier. It had been a low blow, even for his somewhat 'high' standards in that category. And as much as he was annoyed by Lupin, the werewolf looked shattered enough as it was.

"Alright then." He finally spoke, after what he realized must have been a long moment.

Lupin's hostile gaze disappeared in what seemed to be light surprise. He sure was expecting a different kind of comment. Snape made an exasperated face.

"I was looking for you." He said, careful to display his most annoyed tone. "I've been told that there was no need to, but I like to be safe rather than sorry.  In a few days there's going to be a full moon… you need to start taking the potion." That said, he produced a small glass bottle from underneath his robes. Lupin sighed.

"Severus, I can feel the full moon when it's coming. Under *any* circumstances. You already know that." But he reached out to take the bottle anyway. Snape strode forward and placed it on top of the table. Lupin retreated his hand.

"In any case," Snape wasn't finished, it seemed. "I suggest that you go talk with Dumbledore… maybe he can help." He really tried to spit it out, as he didn't want Lupin to think he was concerned about him. And yet, there it was again, that slightly surprised –and mildly pleased, but he chose to ignore it- expression.

The werewolf shook his head, as his eyes purposely met his.

"Thank you, but no. I meant I need *your* help."

"What?!" The word slipped out of his mouth before he was able to stop it. "Are you joking?" He was… *appalled*. Lupin had no right to ask–and besides, what could he do for him?

"Personally, I don't think it's necessary," Lupin was a bad liar. "Anyway, Tonks threatened to tell Dumbledore. I think he already knows it, as he knows everything else. But I don't wanna bother him any more than strictly necessary. He's definitely got more important matters at hand."

"And you think *I* don't?" Snape hid his discomfort behind a snapping tone.

"Oh, I do. That's precisely why I didn't even want to tell you in the first place. Merlin, I don't even know why we're having this conversation…" he trailed off, feeling extremely coward as he did so.

"For once the feeling is mutual, then. Drink the potion." With that, he turned to leave.

He'd almost actually managed to, when Lupin called after him, and stood up for the first time that evening.

"Severus, wait." Snape turned, a scowl plastered to his face. He *hated* to be addressed by his first name, especially by *him*. At least Black had had the decency of calling him Snape.  No, wait. He still had liked to call him Snivellus, when Dumbledore wasn't around.

"I was wondering if you… by any chance… had some extra oblivion potion..." Lupin stammered, his fingers toying nervously with the hem of his tattered robes.

"Maybe the full moon IS affecting you more than usual, Lupin. Why would *I* have some 'extra' oblivion? You know it's a forbidden potion. You can't just brew it for yourself whenever you 'feel like'. There are laws…"

"Severus, I may be a bit tired, but I'm not stupid. There are more or less a million reasons why you would keep some spare oblivion always at hand… maybe because you are a potions master, or because it's very difficult to prepare and you never know if you're gonna need it, especially in times like these…"

Lupin was careful not to mention the real reason why Snape *actually* took it, and quite frequently. Getting back to being a Death Eater, after twenty years of 'serving the enemy'… Voldemort wasn't really the 'forgiving' kind of guy…

"The problem is whether you wanna lend me some of it, or not. It's up to you. You're absolutely free to say no, of course. You know how much you must work just to brew a small amount of it… No hard feelings, really."

By Merlin's beard! Lupin had his eyes on the floor now, and he looked so broken and alone like Snape hadn't seen him –or bothered to, actually- before.

"I don't have any at the moment." He chose his words carefully. Something seemed to occur to Lupin –Snape had been on a secret mission just three days before.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to…"Lupin began, but Snape cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"I'm very busy at the moment. But. I'll see what I can do."

Seeing Lupin's mouth erupting into a small smile of gratitude, he hastily added: "I'm not promising you anything."

"Of course." Lupin nodded in agreement

Snape turned to go in a swirling of black robes, but Lupin managed to call out a heartfelt "Thank you!" before the door slammed shut behind him.

Lupin was left standing there, alone in the whole house –with the only exception of Buckbeak, of course. But Lupin never went to the room they'd reserved to the noble animal: it would bring back too many memories.

He slowly reached out a hand and grabbed the bottle of the potion. He had planned to go to Severus first thing in the morning, but Snape had been quicker.

He had kind of come to understand the potions master's attitude towards him. After all, he was being forced to breed the wolfbane potion –one of the most difficult ones-  every single month, for a person –a half-breed, actually – who just happened to be his sworn enemy. 'Well, the only *surviving* sworn enemy' he corrected himself mentally, a flash of pain passing like a shadow over his features. He shook his head firmly, and drank up the potion, screwing up his face in the process. At least some things hadn't changed: the taste of that thing was absolutely abominable. He was considering the idea of suggesting Snape to add some lemon or strawberry flavor to it, but if he did, he was sure the potions master might put some venom instead. He walked to the kitchen and up to the sink and washed the bottle carefully, then he went back to the living room and began to tidy up the mess Tonks had made by throwing the book. He took his time, choosing not to use magic.

Dumbledore only gave him missions on rare occasions now, no matter how much Lupin insisted that he *needed* something to do, to keep his mind busy. Dumbledore kept on saying he needed some rest. The old wizard just didn't understand that if Lupin slowed down just a bit, he'd just tumble down like a castle of sand when a particularly heavy wave falls on it.

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Yay! So this is the end of the first chapter…  I hope you liked it… please R/R (Read and Review!)

I hate to see Lupin so heart-broken… but believe me, I know what it feels like to miss your chance with a person you truly loved…