Phil4Sam competition piece, set after episode 436 (Sam and Phil investigate a man who is found dead in his freezer and Sam reveals that she may be pregnant). A one-shot full of thoughts from Sam's POV. Hope that you like it! Please review!
Today Something Changed
I lie awake in my bed, thinking about the day that I have had. I wriggle around trying to get comfortable pulling the blankets tighter around myself. But there is someone else in my bed and he has hold of the blankets too and he isn't letting go. I turn over and find myself face to face with him, there isn't much light in my room, but I can just make him out. He is sleeping peacefully, snoring every so often, completely unaware that I am awake, with no real sign of being able to rest like he is.
My head is full of thoughts, thoughts of today, thoughts of the man next to me, thoughts of the women's friend that has not yet visited me this month and perhaps there is another thought there, the thought of another man. Today it was like the old times, the times BS, or Before Stuart. Is that the right thing to be thinking, remembering the past with fondness, when the person who wasn't there for those old times and who I didn't share any of those old times with, is supposed to be my serious boyfriend, who lives in my house, who is there every second that I open my eyes.
Today something changed, or perhaps they changed yesterday when the idea of being pregnant first crossed my mind. But something has happened, Stuart and I we seem to be moving faster than ever and it is beginning to scare me. At first it was fun, even flattering to have a man who is ten years younger than me wanting to take me out, but then he wanted to move in and I decided to let him. I didn't realise that him moving in meant him bringing a load of junk, and cluttering up my house which I'd only just got back.
But then there is that other man, who today I spent the day with, investigating a body in a freezer. Keeping Stuart away at every opportunity, I didn't want to work with him today, not really a good sign for our relationship, that I would rather spend the day with my friend who I almost dated, than with the man that I am dating. Earlier on this friend he didn't seem interested in working on the case, every so often he would check the time, I wondered, well thought that he most likely had a date, but there was no date, just time with his son, his son who had inherited his eyes. Eyes that I have gazed into many times before, eyes that I tried to stop looking into, because sometimes I felt that I could lose myself in them, eyes that today I looked into when I asked him not to tell anyone that I could be pregnant.
Today was the first time in a long time that I had been alone with him, alone with Phil. Today he made me laugh, his usual joking self, his usual jump on top of the suspect who was brandishing a lighter, our usual comments made to one another in fun, the ones that others don't understand. Especially Stuart, he doesn't understand my relationship with Phil, that it runs deeper than just friendship between work colleagues. To him Phil and I have no reason to be close now, because I have him, but no matter how much he tries, he isn't Phil. He can't ever be, Phil and I have shared too much to forget, the time when we couldn't stand the sight of each other, the time where I saved his life in those tunnels and the time that he helped me through one of my darkest hours, when Abi decided she wanted to stay with Hugh, instead of returning to me, her own mother. Stuart doesn't understand these things and it is unrealistic of me to think that he would, he wasn't here, it is the history of Phil and I that forms part of my life, part of my time at Sun Hill, it isn't easily forgotten, especially on days like today.
I stare at the clock, watching each minute tick by. My stomach grumbles quietly, Stuart took me out to dinner, but I wasn't hungry then, there were too many thoughts in my head, I just pushed the food around my plate. He ate his meal though, not really noticing that I didn't, he was more concerned with the fact that I was late back to the station and might have affected his reservations. He didn't notice that I was a million miles away, thinking about the prospect that I am having another child and that I have no idea how I feel about it. He doesn't notice that, but one quiet conversation with Phil and he is asking me all about it. I close my eyes and hope that they will stay closed, but I can see Phil's smiling face, I turned around as I followed Stuart, to look back at him, I don't know why but I did. Perhaps as a thank you for being there for me today, for being the friend that I feared that I had lost when I decided to go out with the one person who he cannot stand and who cannot stand him either. But today showed me that he isn't gone, he is still there for me, I can still tell him my secrets and perhaps trust him not to reveal them. I feel Stuart move next to me, I wonder if he is awake, but he makes no sound and soon enough I hear him start to snore again, I still haven't told him about the baby possibility. I don't know what he would say, I don't know what I want him to say, because I don't even know how to tell him. But I could tell Phil, I think it is the past, me being pregnant is nowhere near as much of an issue as it was to find out that my former lecturer had abducted my daughter so I would feel the pain of rejection, the pain of losing someone that I loved. But telling someone who wasn't there for those moments of my life, this does feel like difficult news. How do you tell someone who you aren't really sure about that you might be pregnant? Glen was different, I loved him, I never expected him to hurt me, I thought he was my soul mate, my prince, my one true love, the man that women spend their whole lives looking for, I thought that I had hit the jackpot, finding him so early, but my world had come crashing down around me and I was left alone with a child, a daughter who I never managed to put before my career, who now has a child all of her own and made me a grandmother.
I am scared of telling Stuart about the baby, I am scared that he will run a million miles as soon as I open my mouth. But what perhaps scares me most of all is that something did change today, something which I thought had run its course, had been long forgotten, but somehow they reappeared today, my feelings for Phil haven't wandered far, they are still there underneath the surface, I want to trust him, perhaps he is the one that I want to have sleeping next to me at this moment, then perhaps I would be asleep too, instead of laying here, with too many thoughts in my head.