Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.
Dan searched the cupboard for the needed painkillers.
"Phil?" No response. "Phil!"
Phil appeared in the doorway. "Sorry, I was filming. What do you need?"
"Where are my painkillers?" Phil's face darkened.
"I have them." He said blankly. Dan groaned.
"So where are they Phil?" He slammed the bathroom cupboard shut, and turned to look at his boyfriend.
"I dunno."
"You lost them?"
"No, I just... I dunno.." He leaned against the doorframe and stared at the ceiling. He was an awful liar.
"Phil."
"Dan, you take em way to often. I really think you should lay off for a while, you know? It can't be healthy."
"And who asked you?"
"You did. Three years ago, when you asked me out." Phil retorted.
"I asked for a boyfriend, not another mum." Dan replied, sifting through the cabinet once more. "My stomach really hurts, Phil. I won't take anymore today if you just give me one now." Dan pleaded. Phil studied him.
"I don't believe you." He replied. Yet, he still dug out a small orange container, and tossed it to Dan, the pills in the bottle rattling.
"Thank you." He responeded, taking a swig of water.
"You should really see a doctor, Dan." Phil said.
"I've already have, remeber. He gave me these pills." He held up the bottle.
"Not that kind of doctor, Dan..."
Dans face darkened.
"I'm never going to anywhere like that agian. Okay? Those people get into your head, it just made everything worse as a kid."
"Yea, but you're an adult now. Maybe you could handle it."
"I'm fine."
"Dan-"
"I said I'm fine!" He repeated louder. Silence filled the bathroom, and for ehat seemed like hours, the boys just stared at eachother.
Phil raked a hand through his obsidian hair. "Sometimes you worry me." He turned and walked back into his room. Dan felt his stomach bubbling in response to the pills. Maybe he really did need a doctor.
Dan on his couch, absent mindedly scrolling through tumblr. Liking fan posts, commenting on funny pictures, answering wuestions, and just connecting with phans in general.
Phil walked in and sat next to Dan, leaning his head on his shoulder, watching what he did.
"He phil." He kissed the top of his black hair.
"Hey Bear." He responded. And they just sat there, tumblr post after tumblr post. Quietly.
Usually Dan and Phil's little bickerings ended that way, they'd just sort of find eachother again, without words.
They're loud silence was broken by Phil's phone going off.
"Who is it?" dan asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.
"Oh... um... PJ. Yea... PJ."
Liar.
"Ok, who is it really."
Phil looked up at him pleadingly.
"Phil?"
"You worry me too much, Dan."
Dan stood.
"You called a doctor." He said quietly, unbelievingly.
Phil stood as well.
"Dan, I couldn't just let you... drown in your own stress and depression! You really need help!"
Dan shook his head hard.
"Phil I specifically told you not to-"
"And what was I supposed to do, I'm really bad at this Dan!"
"You weren't supposed to-"
"And when you're sad, I'm sad. I care Dan, really."
"Phil-"
"I'm just afraid that one day, you're gonna..." Phil stopped.
"Kill myself?"
Phil didn't respond.
"Phil, if I wanted to die, I would have done it a long time ago." Dans hair shaded his face as he stared at the floor.
Phil shook his head. "I don't believe you." He replied softly. Dan rolled his eyes. "Why do you always say that?"
"Because I don't. We never even tell eachother the truth anymore. We just lie! You're not fine, Dan. I can tell. Its always on your face, you're sad. You're always sad." Phil was crying now. It really did hurt him to see Dan like this.
"Phil. I'm fine. Alright? I'm happy." Phil shook his head.
"Dan, you need to stop that."
"What do you want me to do Phil?"
"I want you to be honest." He said.
"Alright. I'm deperessed. I'm sad and stressed and tense and just downright depressed. I grew up with a homophobic and uncaring mother, and an even more homophobic, drunken, and abusive father. I met you.. and... and I wasn't depressed anymore. But now I am again, and I dont know why. Its all very simple see."
Dan ran out the door and slammed it behind him, leaving a very shocked Phil alone.
Dan kept runnig. Faster and fast. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. All he knew was that he hurt Phil, which is something he'd never want to do.
Running faster and faster, his legs started to cramp. He couldn't see straight, and he was getting dizzy. Finally he stopped at a park, about a mile and a half from their house. He leant over, his hands balanced on his knees. Taking deep breaths.
His breaths turned into coughs, and his coughs tunred into sobs.
Phil probably hated him now, or was just crying on the couch. Dan has been making Phil cry lately. Phil would be so much better off with out him. Phil would find a good, nice boyfriend. One who wasn't depressed. Who didn't overuse painkillers.
A goodd boyfriend.
Dan cried just as much as Phil. If not, more. But Phil didn't make Dan cry like Dan made Phil cry. Their relationship was just a pit. Every participant was sad.
Dan lay there, as the sky started getting dark.
The Attack on Titan theme started playing on Dan's phone. The ringtone he had set for Phil.
"Hello?" Dan tried his best to keep his voice steady.
"Dan! Where are you?"
At the sound of Phil's voice, Dan started crying all over again.
"Dan, i'm in the car. Where are you? Dan?"
"I'm sorry Phil."
"What?"
"I'm a nuisance."
"Don't say that, you're just sad. I get it, It's not your fault. Just... Where are you?"
"I'm..." He looked around.
"I'm at the z-zoo."
"The zoo? Dan! Thats twenty miles away! How did you get there?"
"I r-ran."
"That can't be healthy. It must've taken you at least two hours of running!"
"Y-yea."
"Dan, I'm coming to get you. Okay? Wait there."
"I'll wait. Bye." Dan abrubtly hung up the phone.
"Dan?" Phil said into the empty phoneline.
Dan had to lie. The zoo was the opposite direction of the park, and Dan needed to get home.
Because at home, Phil was gone.
And at home,
Well, that was where his razors were.