A/N: I was working on another story but this idea wouldn't let me go, this is me getting it out of my system. This is my first ever fic in this fandom, so I may not have a good grasp on the characters. Although I tried to keep them true to the show. I have changed a bit of their past to get the story going, but apologize for any plot holes [although I think there isn't much plot] that may appear. The title is borrowed from T.S Eliot's poem Wasteland, [he is a genius]

By the way, I'm no expert on police procedures or medicine

I'm done with this story so hopefully will be posting it regularly while I go back to the one I had started before this.

The inspiration for this story came from the song 'Broken' by Lifehouse. Listen to that while you read each chapter and I'm hoping the connection will shine through.

English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes beforehand.

Not making any money and I don't own anything recognizable in this story.

It was over; for now. Maddox – or Marks – or whatever other alias he may have used was finally dead and the mystery of Johanna Beckett's death had been blown wide open, at least for them. His friends were safe for now and for the first time since Captain Montgomery had been gunned down Kevin felt the ground settling under his feet.

Stepping into the empty elevator he pressed the 12th floor button and sagged against the back wall. Sure he had felt the sting of being cut off when he had found his three friends working the Maddox case without him, albeit off the records. But he could understand where they were coming from. He had clearly shown them where his loyalties lay and there was nothing he could do if his friends believed it to be against them.

His fist tightened around the folder he carried and he resisted the urge to punch a hole in the metal wall. They saw him as goody-two-shoes; they saw him as a stickler for rules, if only they understood that he was the biggest sentimental idiot of them all.

Kevin Ryan had learned the need to follow procedures the hard way, he had paid the entirely too big a cost of personal loyalty over proper channels once and he'd be damned if he would lose another partner that way.

If it meant that he would be labeled as a traitor and that his friends would be more cautious of what to share with him, well it was fine by him as long as were alive to do so. But deep down he wished they would understand; he wished Javier could see that he would always have his back even if it meant that he was the one standing against his best friend. Nothing, not even the partnership he held so dear would come in his way in order to keep safe the people he cared about.

They were safe and Kevin believed whole heartedly that he could survive their mistrust as long as it meant they were safe. A small smiled pulled at his lips as he stepped out of the elevator and walked to his desk at a rather slow pace. Kate had seemed happy despite the mess with Bracken. And whatever people may assume about him, Kevin was a detective, he could see she had finally realized her feelings for a certain writer and had gotten together with Castle. He thought it was cute that the couple believed they were a secret when even Johnson, the night guard at the gate was in the betting pools concerning those two.

Shaking his head in fond exasperation Kevin looked down at his cell phone that he had pulled out without a thought and stopped himself just in time to press the speed dial to the familiar number. It was instinctual by now to share an observation with Javier, to hang out together, to play Madden, to quietly share a beer, the small rituals of everyday life that he hadn't even registered until the silent wall had been thrown up in his face by his best friend.

"….Judas," Javier's voice echoed in his mind, "Judas."

Kevin shook his head in a vain attempt to dislodge the thought. His partner's face full of disdain, jaw clenched at perceived betrayal, dark eyes flashing with anger, the man fuming as he marched out of the precinct without a backwards glance, not interested in what Kevin had been trying to say. It all whirled around in his tired mind like a single track on the entire record that was his recent memory.

Curling an arm around his lower chest, he gingerly took a seat in his chair, rolled it forward towards his desk and checked the square watch-face on his wrist. He frowned at the cracked glass and the watch hands that were stuck at three fifty-seven.

"Castle!" Beckett had screamed just before he had grabbed her slipping fingers. The momentum of her fall broke abruptly and she swung a bit away from the building and then back. Kevin's wrist collided with the edge of the roof he was braced against and his watch-face cracked on the impact.

"And then time paused, balanced on the razor edge between life and death…" Kevin muttered under his breath as he channeled his inner-Castle.

God he missed his friends.

Kneading his left temple with the heel of his hand he momentarily imagined that he was home with Jenny. His love, his wife, she was the only good thing left in his life and at the time even she was out of the country. While a part of him wanted her there to sooth his nerves yet he was almost glad that she was away; he didn't want her caught in the silent treatment he was going through, he hoped it would all blow over by the time she came back home. Thinking about sinking in her embrace, he breathed in deeply and gasped at the exhale. His bruised ribs reminded him of the last night's beatings.

While most of the precinct had taken to look at him like he was the suspicious gunk stuck to the sole of their shoes, some had taken it upon themselves to get the message across more forcefully. In the last twenty-four hours he had become quite intimately acquainted with the 12th floor stairwell landing, the men's room tiled floor and the many shady corners at their floor that he had never previously paid mind to. Who knew their floor was a freakin death trap.

Squirming to find a comfortable position, Kevin started on the report for the day's incidents. The silence at the desk behind him and the empty desk across taunted him worse than the dirty looks sent his way. He knew in his heart that he did the right thing, Beckett was alive, she would soon be returning to her job, as would Javier and Castle would be back too. All of them were moving on, leaving behind the stress of the last couple of days while he was the one left with all the forms to fill and reports to file.

"It's not fair Javi!"

"Well life isn't fair newbie!"

Javier hadn't even considered the three years that Kevin had spent at the Narcotics department and adamantly dumped all the grunt work on his new partner. All he saw was a newbie who insisted on shortening his name like he couldn't find the effort to say it whole, while Kevin saw a cocky jerk who believed himself to be above the law.

It wasn't fair to either of them, Javier was still suffering from the loss of Ike, his deceased partner at the 54th and Kevin was still blaming himself for Leo's death. They had quite literally been thrown together for their first case and Montgomery had not been happy when Beckett had towed the two new detectives into his office after their first visit to a crime scene together. Kevin had been supporting a spilt, puffed lip that was still dribbling blood and Javier had a spectacular dark bruise closing up his eye. Montgomery was blowing steam out of his nose after finding out that his detectives were responsible for each other's condition.

Kevin paused the pen inches from the paper when the page in front of him started blurring. He rubbed his eyes, leaned his elbows on his desk and dropped his head in his hands. He desperately needed sleep; a solid, nightmare free sleep from which he didn't jackknifed awake every twenty minutes.

He had been so scared that day, scared that he would find his partner's body filled with bullet holes, sick to his stomach that Beckett and Javi might just get blown up. He groaned softly and curled an arm around his stomach as he felt the nausea rising.

He wasn't surprised to find that the bullpen had slowly emptied; no one bothered talking to him since he had betrayed his team and stabbed his partner in the back. Kevin looked to the side when he felt eyes on him and saw Captain Gates looking at him from the blinds of her window. She gestured for him to come into her office.

"Everything alright Detective?" she asked from where she leaned against her desk.

With her arms crossed in front of her and the stern gaze from over her spectacles, she would have fit right in with the nuns at his old school. Kevin suddenly felt like a knobby kneed boy with his hands coated in chalk dust as the familiar sensation of being a butterfly pinned onto a soft-board washed over him.

"Of course Sir," he said.

"Is there something you need to tell me?"

Kevin ignored her pointed look and straightened. Despite what his fellow officers thought of him, he was not a snitch and he didn't need the Captain to hold his hand and solve his problems.

"Everything is fine Sir," he offered her a flash of smile.

"Then what are you doing here so late?" she asked.

Kevin glanced down at his watch – right broken – he reminded himself and glanced at the wall clock behind the Captain. It said that it was nine thirty; Kevin frowned and wondered when that had happened.

"I was just finishing the reports sir,"

"You can do that tomorrow, go home detective," she said.

Kevin blinked at the thought; he hadn't been home since this entire chase started and Maddox surfaced again. It wasn't like Jenny was waiting for him; it wasn't like he was to go out for drinks with the gang and then head home for a night of Madden with Javier.

God he really missed his friends.

"I'll finish the reports and go." He said.

Captain Gates nodded as she turned around to pick up her bag and her coat. She looked him up and down when she found him still in his office staring at the wall clock behind her head.

"See that you do," she said.

Kevin started at her voice and nodded even though he hadn't caught what she had said, he was too mesmerized by the fact how time was slipping past him both too fast and too slow. Still in a bit of a daze, he followed her out of the office obediently and moved towards his desk. He really needed to clean it he decided, the wood was hardly visible under all the clutter, even his keyboard was laying on a stack of files.

"And Detective Ryan," Captain Gates stopped on her way, "Good job,"

Kevin gave her a nod in recognition and watched her leave; he stared long after the elevator doors had dinged closed. Standing in the empty bullpen he wondered how hollow the praise rang in his mind.

"No, no, no, please Javi come on now," he begged.

His friend's face was lax in his hands, it was cold and it was heavy. There was blood soaking the knees of his pants, it coated his best friend's lips, stained his chin.

Then the weight in hands fell away and he's left looking down at the edge of the building where Beckett is lying too far down on the pavement. She's in her uniform, her peaked hat rolled away from the impact with the ground and a dark stain spreads from under her.

He turns around and Castle is staring at him.

"Why didn't you save her Ryan?" he asks.

"Why didn't you save me Ryan?" it's not Castle now but Leonard Patrick.

Bright blue eyes filled with accusation, his head still shaved like the last time they had gone undercover together, but then the eyes morph into dark betrayed ones.

There's still blood on Javier's lips as he looks up at him.

"Judas…." He says in his last breath.

He sat up with a gasp and leaned forward immediately with his arms wrapped around his chest. His forehead landed with a thump on his keyboard and he groaned. The plastic buttons dug into his skin as he got his breathing under control.

He straightened slowly and pushing a hand through his hair he grimaced at the greasy feel of it. With a sigh he checked the time; three fifty-seven greeted him like a curse and blessing rolled into one.

Kevin rubbed his face and the crick in his neck as he checked his cell phone. It wasn't yet midnight he was pleased to note, still the same day, still a few hours left until tomorrow that would add to the list of his worst days ever.

He was so far gone in his own mind that it took him a while to note that his phone was ringing. He squinted at the small screen and frowned at the vaguely familiar number. He had a feeling it was someone from the force.

"Ryan," he answered it.

"Hello traitor, just wanted to know how you slept at night after getting your partner suspended.'

"You got something useful to say O'Donnell?" Ryan asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"Just wanted to tell you that no one likes a snitch,"

"Good to know," Ryan cut the call.

The phone rang again almost immediately and Kevin answered it with more force than it was necessary.

"Get a life O'Donnell." He snapped.

"Excuse me?" it was a woman and not just any woman.

"Sorry Lanie," Kevin sighed, "Is everything alright?"

"Why do you think an M.E would call an on-call Detective at this hour?" she countered.

Kevin frowned; he didn't know he was on call. It was O'Donnell's turn according to the roster. He rubbed his eyes and nodded at the phone when Lanie's voice rose up a notch.

"Kevin? Are you there?"

"Yeah, sorry you just caught me by surprise," he shrugged, "I didn't know I was on call."

"Are you ok Kevin?"

The Detective cursed himself when he heard the worry in her voice. The last thing he needed was anyone to find out that he was not on top of his game. He had a feeling that was why he hadn't been told about the swap in the on-call duties. His co-workers seemed to want to prove that he couldn't fulfill his duties.

"Message me the address Lanie, I'll be there in fifteen minutes." He said.

After a quick shower, he slipped into his gym sweats and t-shirt before heading out to the address Lanie had sent him. It was twenty-five minutes after her call when he pulled in behind the flashing blue and red lights of the patrol cars parked by the docks.

Moving past the yellow tape he nodded a greeting to the M.E crouched by the body of a young woman. His brain snapped alert and began taking notes without an effort even as he fully came upon the view, she was most likely in her 20s, fake jewelry, washed out pink dress and gaunt features that were nothing to do with the three bullet holes in her chest; no pool of blood under her Kevin noted.

"Not surprisingly, these are the ones that killed her," Lanie pointed to the bullet holes, "But this I don't understand."

She used a pen to lift up the slash in the dress over a deep wound low on the woman's stomach. It looked like someone had sliced open the girl's abdomen. Kevin motioned for Lanie's penlight and inspected the wound closely, already suspecting what he had been called upon.

He recognized the abused flesh from where the stitches had been opened and the incision made again.

"I think she was smuggling drugs," he said.

"So this is a retrieval gone bad?"

"Seems that way," he nodded, "three shots centre mass; feels like an execution."

Kevin looked around and spotted the dock master who was talking to a couple of officers in the uniform. He pushed to his feet and went to question the man. He wasn't surprised when old Mr. Trip insisted that she hadn't been there when he first walked by on his round of the area. While he didn't see a car, he did hear an engine and Kevin's working theory was confirmed that this was a dumping, the real murder had taken place somewhere else.

When he turned back he noticed the M.E watching him.

"So you're embracing the casual?" Lanie nodded as the paramedics took the body away.

"Hadn't the time to go home,"

"I bet Jenny loved that,"

"She's in Ireland at her grandmother's," he shrugged feeling the hollow sense of being abandoned creep into his shoulders.

"Well at least you've got friends here," Lanie gave him a pointed look. She had always been observant and never been one to waste words; Kevin knew exactly what she meant by her declaration.

"I know," he said.

"You don't look like you do," she raised a brow, "And I don't blame you for that."

He had to smile at that, her matter of fact tone had never felt more understanding and Kevin felt a prickling in his eyes that had nothing to do with the exhaustion that was setting in his bones. Lanie bestowed upon him her all-knowing smirk and reached out to grab his arm before he turned to leave.

"You've got friends here Kevin," she said.

He squeezed her fingers on his arm in gratitude and hurried away before she could catch the moist brightness in his eye.

By the time he was done with the preliminary investigation and made it back to the 12th, pale light of predawn had already washed the city in grey. He spent a few hours down in the evidence, collecting proof that this was not an isolated incident, just as he had suspected. Unidentified bodies like these had been turning up at the docks sporadically over the previous year.

He confirmed his findings with Lanie's analysis of the recent victim and rode the elevator up to his floor with the files of unsolved cases tucked under him arm. He frowned when he saw two men sitting at his desk. Looking down at himself, his frown deepened at how unprofessional he looked.

With a resigned sigh he moved forward and the tall dark man shot up from his seat when he neared.

"Detective Ryan?" he asked even as he extended a hand, "I'm Detective Jack Vincent from the Organized Crime this is partner Terry."

Kevin shook hands with both men and dumped the new case load of files on his desk.

"What can I do for you Detectives?"

"The Jane Doe you found at the docks, her death is a part of an active investigation." Detective Terry said, "We would like to investigate further into it."

"It's a homicide Detective and that means it's our job to solve this case."

"We can have a collaboration you know," Detective Vincent said as he leaned back a bit and crossed his arms in front of his chest, "You're Detective Kevin Ryan right?"

Kevin bit his cheek to hold in the snarky comment wanting to slip through; he hadn't expected the news of his betrayal to spread so fast. With a clenched jaw he leveled ice blue eyes onto the man before him.

"I am Detective Kevin Ryan," he spoke calmly, "Is there a problem?"

"My uncle works in the Narcotics, he told me about you," the man grinned suddenly, "Lieutenant Burke? You probably remember him from the –"

"Alisha incident," Kevin winced even as he nodded; he did not need reminding of that failure especially with what he was going through. Although they had managed to get the girl to safety, he still hadn't forgiven himself for the dumb mistake.

"Yeah," Vincent grinned wider, "And he always ends with how mistakes make the man, you and your partner are quite a legend in the new recruits down there."

Kevin had neither the time nor the energy for a trip down the memory lane, especially this one. Because no matter what his superiors had said, he still felt the weight of Leo's death on his shoulders. So he offered a polite smile and nodded for the two men to take a seat.

"Tell me about this investigation then,"

"I can't disclose much information without getting a go ahead from our chiefs but I can tell you this," Vincent said, "It's a wide ring dotted with important names and we've been trying to pin them for over a year now; lost two good men that we sent undercover."

His eyes widened suddenly and he looked at Kevin as though just seeing him. He looked to his partner who rolled his dark eyes a moment later and made a go-ahead motion with his hand. Vincent leaned forward and looked the Homicide Detective squarely in the eyes.

"You could really help us with this one," he said, "I've heard how good you are undercover; this could be what we need."

Kevin immediately shook his head, he was done going undercover; he had Jenny to think about now and that meant no silly risks. That was another reason he felt blessed to be partners with Javier, it was the best defense he could have in such a dangerous job. But then his mind pushed forward the latest interaction he had had with his partner. What if Javier refused to be his partner when he came back? No one else in the Homicide would step up for him after this particular incident and then what? He would have to transfer, but he couldn't go back to Narcotics, not after Leon. So wouldn't it be better to try carving a way for himself before he resigned from the team that he had betrayed?

"Think about it Detective Ryan, you would be saving a lot of innocent lives," Vincent got up from his seat and jotted down his number on the back of a card that he handed to Kevin, "I'll come down with my boss once Captain Gates comes in. We'll be working together to solve this murder anyway, but if you agree I can put in the word that you could go undercover for us."

Kevin watched the two Detectives leave in stunned silence, wondering if this was an opportunity offered to him to redeem himself, or to at least have something to fall back on once it was confirmed that he had no place in his team.

He didn't even register when he had dialed Javier's number and nearly started when the dial tone sounded against his ear. He walked away from his desk and to the break room, coming to stand by the window. The call went on and on, Javier hadn't answered his calls when he had rang at more human hours, Kevin mused he shouldn't be surprised that he didn't pick up this time either.

He didn't leave a message, had stopped doing that after the first few times.

Drawing a hand through his hair Kevin went in search of coffee, not wanting to dwell on how his best friend, someone who knew his so thoroughly had figured out that he was not worth his time. He rummaged around the cabinet until he found his mug and pulled it out only to find the handle broken, tucked within it. A single word on a strip of paper was there as well.

"Traitor," it said.

Calmly placing the mug back in its place Kevin flipped the card in his hand and dialed the number on its back.

"I'm so sorry Jenny," he whispered.

TBC

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