XxX

Sorrows for the Damned

Chapter One

The sheets of the bed were shadowing his body, revealing what he had known for the past few hours: he wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. He sighed, bunching up the pillows, and turned over to his side. In the lingering darkness of the pod he slept in, all he could manage to make out, all he could fumble through the lurking depths of black, was the fact that as soon as he closed his eyes, he would see his life flashing before him again. It scared him into opening those unfocused eyes again, his breathing laboured, the air around him hot and sticky. Which was no surprise.

He wasn't at home.

Yet.

He was at base, which housed over a hundred of the men from NEST, who had gathered after the events of the Egypt attack. Tired as they all were, none of them were able to make it home that night, and so they stuck it out here, Autobots bunking in beside humans among the separate pods and floors. Too sleepy to even ring home and tell their families they'd be back the next morning. All had gone quiet among Autobot and humans over three hours ago.

Sam sighed, deciding if he didn't wake anyone on his way out of the building, he'd go for a quick walk.

He pulled the covers off, and carefully, ever so silently, he tied his shoes, and padded over to the hall. His hand played with the door, before opening it and in the deafening silence around him, he sought solace in seeing the Autobots, all recharging, before him. No one uttered a sigh in sleep, no one even snored around them. Everyone was as quiet as he was breathing. It was a peaceful sight to take in: these guys really were brothers in arms. Where the NEST men had set up their sleeping rolls right beside the Autobots, the exit to the hangar itself was shielded by the SUV, ambulance, the red and blue truck, and yellow Camero. It was as if they were guarding the sleeping men, which caused Sam to smile.

It was when he took that first step out into the hangar, that Optimus flared his lights, nearly causing Sam to yelp. He couldn't even move without them noticing! He stared at the truck, knowing his steely gaze was going through to Optimus' spark. The truck flared it's lights again, very briefly, and Sam smirked. They couldn't move without causing a ruckus, but he as sure as hell could. Without causing a hitch in breath from any of the men he had to walk over, he made his way past the unmoving cars.

Next thing he knew, the yellow Camero revved, as if warning him. You try getting out of here, and I will turn on my engine very nosily. And then we'll see who will be paying the price for waking up a few tired men, huh? Bee was taunting. While Optimus would never do such a thing, that wouldn't stop Bumblebee. He'd wake up all of base, before letting his charge out of sight.

But what could he do? If Sam so much as moved back to that bunker, he'd scream. He couldn't sleep, and lying in that bed was driving him crazy. He needed fresh air. He needed to move in order to fall into some sort of fitless sleep. "I can't sleep in there, Bee. I need to go out for a while. Stay here, and don't even think about following," Sam hissed, aware he was being overheard by the other Autobots. "You really want to wake up all of base?"

The engine was taunting him again, anyway. The lights were going on and off, and Sam nearly let out a wail of frustration, as he heard one of the men stifle a murmur in his sleep. He looked over his shoulder, to where Optimus was, and made out Lennox, his still form lying next to the Autobot leader, Epps was right next to Rachet, and then there was Ironhide, placed directly in front of the open exit, shielding everybody from the cool, slight breeze. Could he really risk waking them up?

Bee was revving, almost noiselessly, but it was growing, each rev becoming more and more audible. At last, Sam knew he couldn't do it, and threw his hands up in defeat, looking in Bumblebee's direction. "Stop!" he mumbled, "Jesus, Bee, stop! What the hell do you want me to do? I can't sleep, and it you make me go bac-"

The Camero's door opened, and Sam suppressed every other word he wanted to say. He closed his eyes, breathing out an angry sigh, which came out more like a groan, and walked over to his car. As he got inside, the door closed behind him, locking him in. He didn't say a word, putting his head back against the headrest. The radio switched on, and out through its speakers, he heard the almost inaudible words-

"Everything I cherish is slowly dying or it's gone."

"What do you mean? Everything is right here, Bee." He was confused, and having to use his brain at this time in the morning meant he was coming up with cows jumping over fences instead of understandable answers.

"Tell the kids that I'm okay,

And if I'm forgotten,

You'll remember me 'fore today."

The quality of the song itself caused him to feel sad, and in each word the singer sung, he felt a tie toward the radio, toward Bee himself, that not even Sam could deny. His eyes were burning from sleeplessness, and he put his cold hands on his forehead. It was like a lullaby, one he couldn't shake from his bones, and in the haziness of what he knew and what he couldn't comprehend, Sam started to feel the tears prick his eyes.

"Stop, Bee."

"I don't wanna be a cornerstone-"

"Bee, stop."

"I don't wanna be aholdin' on-"

"Please, stop singing it. Stop saying these things. Stop making me feel-"

"Can you feel it?"

The tears were free falling now, the tears that hadn't come when Optimus had died, the tears that hadn't fallen when he was scared of what would happen to the whole world, the tears that were begging to fall down his cheeks, just so that they wouldn't be bottled up for any longer. He wanted to escape it all right now, and in a vain attempt, he tried at opening the car door, knowing it would be locked. He leaned his head against the glass.

"Please stop this, Bee. It hurts too much-"

"Once the show gets started it's bound to be a sight to see-"

He closed his eyes, listening to the ebbing and flowing of music, the tilt in the chorus, and the growing crescendo of each ending to the verses. He tensed his shoulders, tightening his grip on reality, biting his lips. He banged his head against the head rest, letting it sit there.

"Hurts-" he whispered.

"I won't ever be your cornerstone-"

"Stop Bee, please, this is- this is killing me-" he whimpered, grabbing fistfuls of his hair, and giving into the whispers of letting it all go, just for once, letting everything be his fault, all his fault, everything, everyone, blame him, for all of this in the first place. He whimpered again, letting the teardrops fall onto the steering wheel, as he lay across it, arms folded in a pained embrace. "Please," he pleaded, one more time, and the song died away, replaced by something more like an opera piece. He stayed silent, his mind racing through the fact that they could hear everything he said. After a second, he sighed.

"What's. Wrong?"

"Nothing. It's nothing," he mumbled in reply.

"Do. You. Want. To. Talk. About. It?"

"If I do, then… Then I'll hate myself for it."

"Why? No. Need. To. Be. Sad."

"It's my fault this started in the first place, so just please, let me go and slowly kill myself for a little while longer, Bee."

Bumblebee let out a muffled squeal in answer to that, his processors trying to understand what Sam really meant. Sam couldn't have really said what he meant, could he?

"No," Sam mumbled, "I'm not even brave to do that, Bee, I promise."

He meant suicide. Sam meant suicide.

Sam didn't see it, but all of the Autobots had flashed their lights, as if in alarm also. What could be burdening his heart to cause him to think so drastically? They all wondered.

"I died in my dreams,

What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know, Bee. I really don't know."

"Then. Don't. Say. Such. Crazy. Things. Okay? Don't. Scare. Us… Don't. Scare. Me."

Sam smiled. "Sure thing, Bee."

"So. You. Can't. Sleep?"

Sam sighed again, pushing himself off the steering wheel, looking at the dashboard vacantly. His mind was elsewhere, lost in those flashing images he kept getting as he closed his eyes each time he tried to sleep. Everyone was screaming his name, calling out for him to come back. But for some reason, even though he knew he was alive, he kept thinking he wasn't. He still felt as lifeless as he had lying down on the sands of Egypt. He kept feeling like he wasn't really here, like everything here was only just one hell of a long dream, like he was still…. dead. He listened to the song playing on the radio, knowing Bee was waiting patiently for a reply. He squeezed the leather seat below him, wondering if Bee could feel any of it.

The song's lyrics flew back to him, and he knew Bee was prodding at him to go on, and finish the question, "Watch her run, Can you feel it? I won't ever be your cornerstone… I don't wanna be aholdin' on…"

"I'm just… I'm fine… Okay?"

Abruptly, the seat fell back, and Sam yelped, his hands flying out in front of him. He felt a jolt of pain sweep up his side, and he winced. He was lying down, facing the ceiling of the car.

"Suffice to say, We're leaving things Unsaid, We sing ourselves to sleep, Watching the daylight dawn instead…"

"Bee?"

"Lost and insecure, you found me, Lying on the floor, surrounded-"

"I'm not lost or insecure, Bee-"

"Well then, if you're so sure, why aren't you sleeping like every other normal human being outside?" The sound of Bumblebee's British accent filled Sam's ears, and when he looked over his head, still lying down, he was greeted by the face of Bumblebee himself, whose face was close to his from where he sat in the back of the car. Sam nearly jumped out of his skin, the face of his friend in human skin causing him to scream in surprise. While Bumblebee chuckled, sitting cross-legged in the back, a grin on his open face, short blond hair bobbing in time to each small chuckle he uttered, Sam was having a hard time controlling his fast paced heartbeat. He gasped out each breath he tried to calm down, one hand placed over his chest, the other grappling at the steering wheel, knowing Bumblebee was trying not to laugh any harder.

"Eh, come on! You know we can project ourselves in human format if we wanted to! Although, thanks for brightening up my night… That was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my entire life!"

Sam looked over his shoulder, slowly. Yes, he was dreaming, yes, he would prefer the nightmares now, thank you very much… Come on, give him a nightmare… Come on…. Please, oh please, get him out of here….

"So, now are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to literally tie you to the seat in order for me to get anything out of your mouth?" Bumblebee continued, crossing his arms, and looking like a smug teenager. His blue eyes shone with a tiny fleck of sliver in them, and Sam noted how he could use them as torches in the dark if he wanted. He averted his gaze away from Bee, and continued to look out of the windshield. "I swear, Sam, I will do it. Don't think that I won't." Bumblebee climbed into the front seat, and he put his hands behind his head, watching Sam.

"I'm a coward, amn't I?"

The question was there, looming over them, and it was like for a second Bumblebee hadn't heard him as he processed the question. Then his eyes widened in confusion, and he jerked closer to him, "Huh? What the hell do you mean by that?" It dawned on Sam how easy it was to understand what Bee was saying now he used normal, everyday language. "Was I the only one here that actually saw you bring Optimus back to life?" There was an uneasy chuckle at the end of that sentence, and Sam said nothing. "Okay, well then, you know what's really wrong here? You haven't had any sleep whatsoever in the past twelve hours or so, and you are just slightly crazy-"

"I swear, Bee, if I was, then I'd be in Dreamland right now." The hopelessness in Sam's voice haunted Bee, and he sat up, leaning forward. Sam shoved his head down on the steering wheel, both of his arms going around it in order to protect himself from everything, and everyone, around him. Couldn't Bumblebee tell how much it hurt? "You really don't get it, do you?"

"No, so please, enlighten me."

Sam could hear Bumblebee breathing, which made him wonder at how easy it was for him to become human, if he ever wanted to try. Instead of blurting out his feelings like the troubled teenager he was, he said- "Could you ever walk outside of the Camero with that on you?" The way he changed the subject was so completely obvious, that Bee cocked one of his eyebrows up.

"Nope, I can't," Bee looked out of windshield, settling his eyes on Optimus sitting in front of them, "Rachet's working on it, to let us interact with humans, so we can walk freely among them. Without the height difference," he added, from sarcasm's sake. "Lennox thinks it'd be a great idea."

"Yeah, it would be. Once it's ready."

"Which should be soon, considering we are way faster than you when it comes to technology," Bee cackled, and Sam smirked. "So, back to what we were discussing… Look, tell me. You can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Sure, I know that, but this is something I want to keep to myself, okay?"

Bumblebee rolled his eyes. "You do realise that makes you sound like a tragic soldier we usually see in those movies your mother makes you watch?" Sam sniggered, unable to control it.

"Yeah, I know. But you see, the difference is that this is real. All of this, compared to those movies… We are real, and this-," he pointed to his chest, before closing his eyes, "-is real." Bumblebee waited in the dark for him to continue, before putting a hand on Sam's tense shoulder, sensing his distress. His eyebrows knotted in misperception, as he watched how Sam had shifted under his touch. He didn't say anything, until Sam suddenly, frantically, murmured, "I thought I'd never see anyone again, and that everything we'd worked so hard for, was all going to disappear into those grains of sand. I thought that what I was doing, while I was running, for that brief second, before being killed, was what I was meant to do. And then, to hear the explosions, before being pushed off the ground, before feeling my heart stop, made me want to scream in frustration. Nothing. That was all I could feel. And then I heard everyone calling my name, and I just thought, for that one second, that it didn't matter how loudly they shouted for me. I wasn't going to make it back."

The tears were falling again, and Sam closed his eyes, trying, again, to ignore everything, to make it all go black, where he originally wanted white. He still lay on the steering wheel, and he breathed out. "All of this was my fault in the first place. Everything. So please, keep blaming me. I don't really mind. Really."

"Well, that's a lot of crap, obviously," Bumblebee kept his hand on Sam's shoulder.

"You may think it, but I don't."

"Hmm, well then, lie back and close your eyes, and keep blaming yourself then. But just to let you know, you saved the lot of us, you helped bring our leader back, and you saved the world in the process, so just think about how much you are not a coward, and how much you are a hero. See if that makes you sleepy."

"No, Bee, I can't."

That was it. Bumblebee had had enough. With the one hand still placed on Sam's shoulder, he rushed the other one around his waist, and forcefully pushed him down onto the seat behind him. Sam, unsuspecting, gasped in pain, the scars from the battle still tender after what had happened. He stiffened under Bumblebee's arms, and Bumblebee flinched in return.

"Oh God, Sam, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-"

Sam was breathing fast, and even Bumblebee could feel the trembling heart beat beneath him. The side facing Bee was the side Sam was most hurt, and he had forgotten. Sam's eyes were squeezed tightly together, and Bumblebee murmured out more apologies-

"Primus, Sam, why didn't you say you were still in pain? Rachet would've given you something stronger to nullify it! Sam-"

"It's my own fault, not yours-" Sam wheezed, slowly feeling the agony ebb away, and he started to relax, his eyes opening, tired, still filled with pain.

"So? Rachet would've sewn you up better than the humans could have! Primus… I'm sorry-"

"Stop saying sorry, Bee," Sam breathed, feeling the last of the tension ease out through his limbs. Bumblebee couldn't let it be though, and he put an icy cold hand on Sam's side, where it was burning. Sam supressed a sigh.

"You didn't take anything to ease it, did you?"

"I did, a while ago."

"How long ago? You should know how to take care of yourself, Sam."

"They didn't give me anything more than a few painkillers, Bee. I have to wait till morning for the next batch." At that, Sam tried to turn over onto his good side, but Bumblebee stopped him.

"No, stay on you back. The pain will ease better if you lie flat."

"Hm," Sam replied, feeling how cold Bee's hand was. "Do you always feel this cold?" Bumblebee looked at him.

"Yes. Unfortunately, Rachet hasn't worked out the simple problem of body heat yet." Sam muffled a laugh.

Bumblebee moved his hand away, carefully, only to feel Sam's warm one gripping him, and pulling it back to its original spot over his shirt. "Sorry, it just feels better when there's something cold on it."

In the darkness, Bumblebee could make out an almost inaudible shiver coming from Sam's body, and he mimicked exactly what his mind had told him, "You have a slight fever, Sam."

"S'okay," Sam replied.

"It's not okay! Stop-Stop saying it's okay! When you keep saying these things, I keep worrying more and more, you know!" The anxiety in Bumblebee's voice caused Sam to look at his face, biting his lip. It had become the norm now, this biting. He couldn't keep himself from doing it. It was annoying, and he needed to stop it.

"Sorry, Bumblebee." He peered in at his face, under the ruffles of blond hair, and past the blue eyes, right down into Bee's very spark, and Bumblebee stared right back. "I didn't mean to-"

"Yeah, well, you'd better stop it, because every time you say that it doesn't matter, or that you are fine, or there is no need for me to worry, every time you turn around and start to bully yourself over the slightest or things, like how stupid you are, or what a coward you are, or how you can never do the job bloody right, then you make me feel like I'm letting you down. I try harder, and harder, to make you feel better, but you can never seem to understand: you are freaking human, Sam, and if things work out the way they do, then that's just the way it happens, and there is nothing that can undo them. I'm your guardian, Sam, I am your friend, Sam, I am your-your best friend: I care! I care about you, and I want you to stop hating yourself for it," he finished, huffing slightly. If he could cry, he would. If he could bleed, he would, for Sam. Always for Sam. Always.

Sam watched him, silent, feeling the cold hand of his partner seeping through the fabric of his shirt and right onto the wound. There rest of him was warm, and yet this small part of his waist was cold, freezing cold. Maybe he should've asked Bumblebee to move his hand to over his heart, because that's where it was needed most.

He gulped, watching Bee sigh, and move slightly. "You need to sleep," he whispered quietly, turning his face away, obviously torn.

It was amazing what Rachet had done. Every movement of Bumblebee's mimicked exactly what a human could do, every single thing he saw before him was real, very real, and yet it wasn't. Every single crease in Bumblebee's denim jacket could be seen in the dark, and in even his touch, Sam could feel. He felt every single slight touch Bee had given him, every rough gesture he felt there a few minutes ago. Bumblebee was human, before him, right now. Bumblebee was here, and-

Before Bumblebee had turned his head to the slight movement, there was a gentle pull, and, without any hesitation, Bumblebee was lying beside him, the driver's seat cramped with both bodies lying across it. There was a gentle hush, and Sam leaned in toward him, listening to Bee's quiet breathing, closing his eyes. The hand had left his side, and Sam winced, feeling the heat rise up again, the jab causing him to jerk slightly. But by that time, Bumblebee had placed both arms around Sam, keeping one comfortably around his waist to stop the agony, the other had gone around his shoulders, and had lifted him off the seat altogether. Sam grabbed fistfuls of Bumblebee's jacket, wondering what on earth he was doing. He'd settled on top of Bee, and both of his arms were wrapped around him, the cold body of the holo snaking through to his skin, causing him to shiver. Against his will, he felt his eyes start to close.

"Sleep, okay? You'll feel better in the morning," Bumblebee whispered into his ear, and Sam started to calm down, his achy muscles feeling, for the first time in a while, relaxed. He didn't realise how warm he was in comparision to the guy below him, and he started to breathe faster, his heartbeat hitching up a few notches. In reply, Bumblebee only clutched him tighter, and Sam sighed. "Sleep."

"I-"

"Sam, just give in. Let yourself fall asleep. Close your eyes, and let yourself give into tiredness," Bumblebee soothed, caressing Sam's arm, which lay on Bumblebee's arm. "There won't be any nightmares, I promise."

Sam nestled into the crook of Bumblebee's neck, and slowly, softly, quietly, he fell into the world of dreams, knowing, trusting, hoping that by the time he woke up, there would have been no bad dreams to report, and nothing to recall from last night, nearly driving him onto the edge of despair.

A/N:

Hello! A lot of you guys wanted me to come up with a SamXBee fic, so I decided to go along with it, although, since this is my first time trying, please go easy on me...

This is meant to be multi-chaptered, but tell me if you want me to continue, 'cause I don't know if anyone wants to try reading something like this... I've never really considered Sam and Bee as a gay coupling- sooo, whatever goes with your thoughts- I suppose... As I say on my page, there are non-consent sex scenes, and other horrible things I don't wanna explain...

Poor Sam is all I'm gonna say...

This is definitely the kind of fic that makes you wanna cry, or scream... You'll either like it, or you'll wish it was never, ever written, sooo...

Thanks for reading, and tell me what you think!

xoxoxox

Thanks for reading