Night creeps in, followed closely by him.
I don't remember when he first started coming. It's been a while, but I haven't let him know I know yet.
Not yet.
He sits next to my bed, every night when he comes in. Cross-legged, I think, not his usual catlike lounge. That's only what I like to imagine, though. I never see his face.
But I know he's there.
A creak as the window opens, a rustle as he settles himself in the chair.
There's silence for a long time. Just like every other time.
Then, a sigh.
"I killed a child today, Edward." He always calls me by my real name when he comes in the night. I note the difference.
"He was six years old, lost sight of him mother on the Main Avenue. He wandered into the alleyway while I was finishing off the last of the men. I killed him for what he saw."
A wry smile is heard in his voice.
"I know, I know. Why should I care? I've never cared before, have I?"
Quiet. I breathe.
"It's fun, killing. Some people like guns, but to use a knife, to stab, to strangle… You wouldn't understand, I suppose. It's an intimate death. You see them at their very best or worst, with a death like that."
Breathe in.
"So why should I, of all people, feel guilty? I've killed children before. Hundreds. Thousands. I've enjoyed it."
Breathe out.
"I mean, what's the loss? He was just another human, after all. He'd only have grown up to make more humans. Just another smelly, whiney, half-assed human, like all you beasts."
Breathe in.
"Except you, Edward."
Breathe out.
"You're not like that."
Silence.
He returns the next night.
"I don't really have a true form, Edward."
Quiet. I breathe.
"Well, I do. I mean, I think I do."
Breathe in.
"But it's all relative, you know? This talk of forms and personas. I mean, you wake up one day on the cold stone floor, and you take what you can get, I guess. No room for introspection in the test tube."
Breathe out.
"But how do I know it's not all in my head? I revert, yes, I prefer, yes, and I think it's the right one, the first one, but how do you know?"
Breathe in.
"How do I know if any of this is real or not?"
Breathe out.
"How can any one know?"
He returns again the next night.
"You know what I thought about yesterday?"
Quiet. I breathe.
"Everyone has a purpose."
Breathe in.
"Everyone except me."
Breathe out.
"We're to repopulate the earth, he says. Wipe out this land and replace it with a new one, he says."
Breathe in.
"Well, what if I don't want to? What if I just want to be left alone? How do you explain that to some one who's shaped their entire life to the cause? That's his purpose."
Breathe out.
"I used to think I was like that, too. But I saw the eye of the gate, now, didn't I? And I can't go back to that. And that's what it'll all come back to… If you see what I mean."
Breathe in.
"Uncertainty. That's my purpose. Want what I don't have, and stew myself into silence over my hatred. And that's… all."
Breathe out.
"You, on the other hand…"
Breathe in.
"You've got it all. You move in the light, while all the world watches. Hero of the People. Savior. Or something."
Breathe out.
"You're beautiful."
Breathe in.
Sigh.
"I never asked to be created."
Breathe out.
"…you don't know how lucky you are, Edward."
I see him the next day, through the dust of a battle. He's perched on a pile of rubble, with all the elegance he possesses, just like every other time I see him.
"What up, O-chibi-san?" he calls down to me, cheerfully, jeeringly. "Couldn't see you down there, what with all the debris hiding you from above."
"Who did this?" I scream, standing over the bodies of the soldiers. I knew these men. They were good men. "Was it you? Was it Father?"
"Now, now, Chibi. Ask nicely."
"Tell me!"
There's blood on my chest, and bile in my throat. I lunge at him, and he ducks with ease, knocking me sideways into the wall.
"Don't get angry, shorty. It doesn't suit your complexion."
I stare up at him, crumpled up and crying.
"Fuck you." I scream. "Fuck you. Just leave me alone."
He's not standing over me anymore. I can see the sky.
"Just leave us all alone."
When he comes that night, it's different from other nights.
"I didn't think you'd be waiting for me this time," he says, pausing as he makes his way across my window ledge.
I say nothing. I just look at him.
A long moment passes between us, and silence reigns. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Then he comes to me, takes my face in his hands, and kisses me long and soft.
"I can't…" I say quietly into his shoulder, his breath ghosting down my neck.
"It's okay," he says, sadly, pushing me gently down onto the bed. "I know. I know."