Always Watching
By TheAprilFool
Disclaimer: If you think I'm J.K. Rowling and own Harry Potter then you've never read my stuff. Harry Potter is just too sane to have been my work.
Albus Dumbledore, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was glad to say that he was perfectly normal, thank you very much. He was the first person you would expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because he was a wizard, which made him likely to deal with the strange magical phenomena that occur around magic. Albus Dumbledore also was rather famous for his defeat of the great evil wizard Grindlewald. Grindlewald had been a nude supremacist who desired for witches and wizards to shed their robes and feel the wind, which would become his slogan during the war. He fell to Albus Dumbledore who was respected and beloved throughout the magical world from that day forth. However, Albus Dumbledore had a secret. He couldn't bear it if anyone found out that he was a pervert.
Being a pervert, for Albus, was something that he had come to accept, like taxes. However, he knew deep down that it was wrong. For years he had fought it due to the influence of his very influential parents: James T. Dumbledore and Samantha S. Dumbledore, previously Samantha Slitwrist. Between the family pastime of spankings and barbeque, James T. Dumbledore had taught Albus that being naked was very, very wrong. Therefore, Albus knew it was wrong. He never questioned his parents, even when he caught them having sex late one night. After a nightmare, Albus had crept into their room only to find them fully clothed and avoiding eye contact as they procreated. James T. Dumbledore did not even stop procreating as he turned to look at his son, disappointment clear in his very descriptive eyes. At that moment, Albus felt true shame in his heart.
As he grew older, Albus' brother, Aberforth Dumbledore, tried to seduce Albus into looking at magazines like Playboy or random pornography that he found in the field near their home. However, Albus did not budge. He was determined to never look at a naked woman in his life! The only exception was his sister Ariana, who had an explosive allergy to clothing and could not wear anything lest she burst into magical flames. She was the only exception to the ever clothed Dumbledore family, except for Aberforth who was constantly getting naked and bringing half-naked women home. It was no wonder that Aberforth eventually was arrested in that love affair with the goats. After all, it was a slippery slope and that was the obvious end. See a naked breast, see a fully naked woman, touch that naked woman, have sex with that woman, practice inappropriate charms upon goats.
As time passed on, Albus could not help himself. To his deepest shame, Albus found himself staring at a naked sixth year student at Hogwarts one day. It all started when Albus found himself the new headmaster. He was determined to do the job right, so he installed security cameras all over the castle. The first day he turned on the system, he found his eyes drawn to the Ravenclaw bathrooms where a beautiful girl was stripping her clothes off. Albus could not pull his eyes away as she removed her bra and her breasts bounced into view. At that point Albus gasped and leapt back, covering his eyes as if the very sight were a fire threatening to burn his sight away. As he leapt, he tripped on a convenient banana peel and fell on his bottom. Tears began streaming down his not-yet-old face.
"Alas, what have I done?" he cried. "I have shamed my family!" It was at this moment that James T. Dumbledore flooed into his son's office.
"Son, I'm so glad you got the headmaster position! To share in this momentous occasion, I have bought you a bunny!" James T. Dumbledore held out a cute fluffy bunny to Albus. But, as Albus reached out to take the bunny, James T. Dumbledore yanked it back. "Wait a moment! You wouldn't happen to be looking at naked students now would you?"
"N-n-no," Albus cried! "I-I know b-better!" He scrambled for the remote and managed to turn off the system before his father could spot any nudity.
"You'd better." James T. Dumbledore narrowed his eyes, threateningly. "For if you do not, you know where the slope leads."
"I DON'T WANT TO PRACTICE INAPPROPRIATE CHARMS ON GOATS!" Albus whined. "I-I just want to be n-normal!"
"Then live a normal life my son." James T. Dumbledore said, striking a pose and flying away through a window.
"You could at least given me the rabbit," Albus sulked, as he went to shut the window. With a sigh, he turned back to the monitors. "A second look couldn't hurt."
That was how it all had begun. Years ago, Albus became a closet pervert; a big closet pervert with access to a sophisticated security system in the largest magical school in the known universe (save for those that are bigger, but Albus doesn't concern himself with those,) which he frequently took advantage of. The years passed and Albus watched students come and go with satisfaction. He never got emotionally attached to his students, after all his closeness to them was his deep dark secret. That all changed, however, when he met Lilly Potter.
Lilly Potter, and her friends Katie, Sarah, Jennifer, Lucy, Alexis, and Susan, came to Hogwarts at age 18. Also joining her was her husband James Potter, who has a big secret that nobody can ever know, especially not his wife. When Albus took an interest in them, the group of elder students stood awkwardly amongst the eleven-year-olds at the opening feast, completely out of place.
"Why are we even here?" Lilly asked, incredulously. "We went to school at Vlad's Vocational School of Vampiric Magic already."
"I don't know," Her pale bat-like husband answered, his long sharp teeth shining in the light. "All I know is that I am definitely not a vampire!"
"Sure dear." Lilly said, patting James on the head. She did not sound very convincing in believing her husband's lie of truth.
"GET OUT OF THE WAY MUDBLOOD!" screamed an eleven-year-old boy with long greasy black hair. "I HAVE TO BE SORTED!"
"Okay." Lilly stepped aside, as Severus Snape ran up to the stool where the Sorting Hat waited. Lilly felt a little hurt about the insult, but then she remembered what her mother had told her.
"Dear Lilly," her mother had said, as she injected Lilly's blood with mud. "This is going to hurt you more than it does me."
Maybe Lilly should have objected to the experiment, but her mother had promised that she wouldn't have to wear makeup ever again. That was also why Lilly had cat ears grafted to her head… and a big long cat tail just above her bum… and whiskers on her cheeks.
"Hmmm…" The Sorting Hat thought aloud, as Snape had jammed it on his head impatiently before his turn had even arrived. In fact, the sorting itself hadn't started yet. "You are not of-age or female, so our esteemed headmaster would have no interest in you. SLYTHERIN!"
"What does the headmaster's interest have to do with the houses?" James wondered aloud.
"Beats me," Lilly replied with a shrug; Katie, Sarah, Jennifer, and Susan were all seductively posing in the background for no reason.
"Well, now that has been sorted," an old lady named Professor McGonagall began. "Let's begin the sorting. ABERFOAM KINGELSTON."
Albus breathed a sigh of relief, as he had believed for one brief instant that his brother was once again coming to haunt him. Aberforth loved to come over once a week or so and attempt to get Albus to join "Team Hentai". Albus had no idea what hentai was, but he assumed he it had something to do with goats. Aberfoam Kingelston happened to be an exquisite 18-year-old girl in a pink bathing suit complete with frills. So, Albus took out his telescope to get a good look at the globs of fat that had gathered somewhere near her heart in a sexy way and not a dangerous life-threatening way.
"HUFFLEPUFF!" The Sorting Hat cried.
"Oh poo!" cried Aberfoam, as she tossed the hat back onto the stool. "I wanted to be in the Harry Potter Harem House!"
"Harry who?" a random and confused Victor Krum asked.
"I don't know, but I have a strong feeling that he has a harem for some reason!" As she spoke, Aberfoam jiggled her chest, as if she were putting on some kind of webcam show. "A sexy harem with lots of girls! Not the creepy kind where Harry is all yaoi with Draco and Snape!"
"BUT HE HAS SUCH DREAMY EYES!" Snape gasped. "HOW CAN YOU NOT INCLUDE ME!?"
"Shut up loser creep!" Aberfoam threw a bag of glitter at Snape, missing due to him sitting far away from where she stood. Instead she covered random Ravenclaws in glitter, which restarted the war of the houses after many long years of peace.
"Well, be that as it may," said Victor McGonagall, "we need to continue the sorting."
"Oh, sorry!" Aberfoam squeaked, jumping back for no reason. Before she went to sit down, she randomly pulled her top up and flashed the head table.
"WHOO! SPRING BREAK!"
As Aberfoam ran to the Hufflepuff table, she fit her breasts back where they had come from. Meanwhile, Albus was suffering from some sort of heart attack. The heart attack kind of heart attack. He slipped and fell to the floor and might have been pronounced dead. However, due to the magic in his magical pants of magic, he was instantly revived.
"Continue the sorting." He said calmly, as gallons of blood dripped out of his old wrinkly nose.
"James Potter," called Professor McGonagall. James took a few hesitant steps towards the old dusty hat. First he sniffed it. Then he licked it. Then he began to do naughty things with it that disturbed everyone in the great hall immensely, with the exception of Albus, who was quite enjoying the show in secret.
"Oh just put me on your head!" the Sorting Hat cried, after taking much abuse from James' pelvic thrusts.
"So that's what I do with it!" James realized. He looked at the hall, showing his fangs as he caught his breath before asking pointedly: "Vampires would know that wouldn't they?"
"No! Now put it on!" Victor Krumagall exasperated. James put the hat on his head and after many long seconds it screamed out: "GRYFFINDOR!"
"Yeah!" James did a fist pump and cartwheeled over to the Gryffindor table. Unfortunately for all, except Albus who secretly liked this sort of thing, he had forgotten to put his pants back on and gave everyone a great view of the family jewels.
So the sorting went on and on and on, until it came down to the beautiful Susan, who posed seductively with the Sorting hat covering her shame tastefully.
"Hogwarts is just like Playboy!" she cried, a bright smile on her face, her cheeks bright red from the excitement.
"Yeah, whatever," the Sorting Hat muttered. "You're a RAVENCLAW by the way."
"WHOOHOOO! BOOKS AND LEARNING!" The naked girl exclaimed, throwing the hat away and going to sit down with her new friends. Somehow, in the two seconds it took her to go from posing in front of the whole hall to sitting at the table, she found some random clothes and was instantly dressed in them.
"Ahem, well now that the sexing- I MEAN SORTING! Is over…" Albus caught himself just in time. "I wanted to make some announcements. The first announcement is that last year's 'Who can Masturbate in the Showers Longest' contest was a surprising success!"
"YEAH!" The school cheered loudly. A random Slytherin girl threw her underwear across the hall.
"However, the board of governors decided to shut down all sexual related school side activities that your previous Headmaster, Professor McPervertson, created. They claim that these activities are not beneficial to your magical education. However, they are very beneficial to growing the population, so they will be missed."
"Awwww!" A great number of students cried out, sadly. One Hufflepuff girl ran out of the room in tears.
"However, they have restarted that old violent sport of Qudditch! Now seven students from each house will be able to violently hurt each other over the stupid inter-house rivalry!" Albus cheered.
"HELL YEAH, VIOLENCE AND BLOOD AND BROOMS AND BLOOD, TASTY BLOOD! AND BALLS!" screamed James Potter. "I LOVE THE BLOOD!"
"James, stop acting like a vampire or I'll sex you in front of everyone!" Lilly threatened James.
"But non-vampires can't be sexed in front of everyone!" James shrieked, quaking in fear. "AND YOU ALL KNOW I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!"
The following few years at Hogwarts were not some of Albus' fondest. Between finding a new love of accepting favors from of-age female students in return for raising their grades, Albus found himself falling in love with 87 different students.
"Maybe I'll send them Valentines' day chocolates," he had mused to himself. However, Albus never got around to it. Instead he chose to focus on Katie, one of Lilly's best friends. Katie was a beautiful girl with ice-white skin and long Pepsi-black hair. Unfortunately, before Albus could make his move, Katie met with an unfortunate accident. After delivering a message for Albus as a favor to raise her grade in Arithmancy, she seductively jumped off of a balcony that was seven stories from the ground and splatted sexily all over the grass.
"Mmmm" Albus said as he looked over the scene, his tongue escaping from his mouth to lick his lips. "This is such a tragedy."
"WAHHH!" Lilly cried, covering herself awkwardly in her friend's blood. "I WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU KATIE!" She turned to her husband. "LET'S HONOR KATIE'S MEMORY BY HAVING SEX RIGHT HERE ON TOP OF HER REMAINS!"
"Let's not! Instead, let's wait until after a year has passed since her death before we have sex!" James suggested, patting Lilly on the head. "After all, sexing in her blood is what vampires would do."
"A w-wise decision…" Albus told them, sighing internally. Oh the things he would like to see Lilly and James Potter do… but not today… not today.
One year to the day, dear sweet Sarah, a hot blonde with breasts the size of tires and tires the size of breasts, decided that she needed a better grade in potions. She did this by sorting Albus' mail and winking at him. Sometimes she even pretended to have an orgasm for no reason at all! Even when Albus wasn't around! Sadly, on that day, Albus received an Avada KaHowler. When it screamed, it screamed death, but instead of Albus dying as intended, the poor girl was found lying naked on a pile of letters. The condition of her exhaust pipe led some to suspect Albus of following in his brother's footsteps and performing inappropriate charms on the girl, but, as it just turned out, she was half-car and a little rusty. James and Lilly were devastated and once again decided to put off consummating their marriage in honor of the event. Albus was left sad and upset for another year. His obsession with Lilly grew by the day, yet he couldn't see her doing that most interesting of activities: The sideways worm love.
Another year passed, and on the anniversary of Katie and Sarah's deaths, Jennifer, a beautiful clone of Lilly Potter, found a super special secret passageway that lead to the town brothel. There she met HanZ, a Mexican rapper who taught her the meaning of love and respect. He also taught her how to get down with her bad self and became her pimp. They made quite the profit off of Albus, who purchased the Peeping Tom Special, a special that only appealed to one other person in the world, the evil Tom Riddle. However, Tom Riddle wished to peep for a different reason than Albus. Albus was into the whole naked girl sexing thing and Tom Riddle was into the whole "I'm-Paying-For-Something-Wormtail-Wants-Without-Realizing-It" thing. On that cursed day, Wormtail forgot to pay the bill and accidentally stabbed Jennifer in the breasts with two De-Breast-ification machines. Her breasts disappeared in an orgy of blood, guts, and torn apart flesh. Luckily, everything that made up Jennifer was promptly consumed by James Potter. Unfortunately for James Potter, Jennifer had contracted a bunch of weird magical STDs and it took Madam Pomfrey an entire year to cure him. It's obvious at this point that Lilly and James did not consummate their marriage that year. James did, however, consider it worth it as the STDs were delicious.
Finally, during their fourth year at Hogwarts, Lilly's final friend Susan B. Kissime bit the dust on the same day everyone else had. The tests and exams at Hogwarts had taken their toll on poor Susan, so she happily went to Hogsmeade one weekend to visit Samantha Slitwrists Shop for the Depressed and Suicidal. She purchased a rope for hanging herself and a revolver. She had custom bullets mail-ordered from the Nymphadora Tonks line and set up her elaborate and diabolical plot! She trapped five students from Hogwarts, including her dear friends Lilly and James, into a game of life or death. This game was short, however, and ended with Lilly shooting Jennifer to save James' libido from being murdered with a rusty knife. As Lilly sobbed at her misfortune of choosing suicidal friends, James decided that it was time to reveal his deepest secret to her. It was exactly as everyone believed: James Potter was a Democrat. Albus arrived just as Lilly divorced him and his heart sank as he realized that he would never see those two having sex together, ever.
It took only a week for the two to reconcile their differences and get married again. They chose to leave Hogwarts forever, as they already had their OWLs and NEWTs anyway. Why bother? Albus only found out that Lilly was sexually active when they invited him for dinner one evening.
"Professor Dumbledore!" Lilly screeched like a barn owl as she wrapped Albus into a much enjoyed bear hug. Her jiggly chest breasts squished up against the old man.
"It is so good to see you, my dear." Albus told her, a smile on his face as they let go of each other.
"You too Professor," Lilly blushed slightly. This made her very attractive to Albus. She also happened to be naked, which also made her very attractive to Albus. She must have noticed as she caught him staring at her jiggly-puffs.
"Like my new outfit? I made it out of James' invisibility cloak." Lilly gave a twirl and the invisible fabric stayed as invisible as ever.
"It is… invisible." Albus stated simply.
"I know! Isn't it wonderful?!" Lilly ran off to the kitchen without waiting for an answer, determined to not let her rump roast get overly roasted. At that point, James entered the room and shook Albus' wise old hands.
"Good evening." He drawled in his Transylvanian accent. "Dinner should be done shortly."
"How have you been James?" Albus asked. "Your wife is very naked- I mean happy."
"Yes. I know." James drawled, swooping off into the living room like a giant overgrown bat. "Sit, sit."
"This is a quaint house." Albus took a seat on the coffin-couch. "It reminds me of my old friend: Count Dracola - King of Sodas."
"I knew of this man. All vampires know of this man and I am not a vampire, so I met some vampires who knew of this man." James over-explained. "He was truly fizzy."
"He also had impeccable taste." Albus' wrinkles began to smile at the happiness in the house.
But that happiness was not to last. In the middle of dinner, Albus' phoenix, Fawkes, burst into the room with a message for him.
"I'm afraid I must go." He said somberly. "Voldemort is attacking the orphanages of London."
"Why would he do that?" Lilly cried, tears dripping down her naked body.
"Because he was an orphan… and hated being an orphan." Albus too cried. "He believes the only way to stop orphans from being orphaned is to murderlize them!"
"The fiend," James leapt to his feet, his cloak billowing around him. "Let me help you, Professor Dumbledore! Orphans are a great source of fresh blood for those vampires I know of and certainly am not one of!"
"Very well," Albus smiled, grateful that he would not have to fight Voldemort alone that night. "Then I hereby induct you into the Order of the Playboy."
"Why do you call it that?" Lilly asked, her breasts bouncing for no reason.
"Because Fawkes just so happens to be a ladykiller." Albus gave Lilly the wink and the gun. Lilly, being the naïve, sexy, naked girl who she is, instantly believed him.
It wasn't long after when Severus Snape sold Lilly and James to Voldemort with no remorse. Snape had a very special hatred of those two as James had tormented him at Hogwarts, and Lilly had been his babysitter and had almost taken his virginity no less than fifty-seven times. At that point it was not common knowledge that Lilly gave birth to twin boys: Her firstborn Barry and his twin brother Harry. Unfortunately, Barry died of plot convenience in secret, Harry miraculously survived an attack by Voldemort, and a mysterious baby was delivered to the Weasley doorstep…
SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER...
Harry Potter, of the Potter-Potters, was very famous. He was The Boy Who Lived or even The Boy Who Won or The-Man-With-The-Plan-Who-Beat-The-Bad-Guy-Real-Bad. He had gone through many trials and tribulations throughout his life. He had lost friends and acquaintances, family and strangers, but today was a happy day for Harry Potter. Today, Harry married his fiancé of two weeks: Ginny Weasley. They decided to get married quickly after the war with Voldemort had ended because Ron and Hermione pressured them into it. For some strange reason Ron was very fond of telling Harry that "You need sex mate." Harry was a little freaked out by this, but decided to agree.
As their bonder, who also happened to be Ginny's brother and Harry's best friend Ron, declared their marriage legal and binding, Harry and Ginny kissed each other gently. The crowd at the wedding cheered and the two gave shy smiles to each other.
"I can't believe we're married!" Ginny whispered to Harry.
"I know what you mean." Harry whispered back. "It feels crazy getting married so quickly."
"Hermione hasn't even gotten her parents back yet." Ginny's brow furrowed a little at the thought, as the two were pushed onto a dance floor.
"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH YTEEAAHHH!" struck up a familiar song. The song they had they had listened to at the Yule Ball almost three years ago.
"CAN YOU DANCE LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF? MAMAMA! MAMAMA! MAMAMA"!
"I want to mommy your children." Ginny told Harry, as they began to dance. "Something about this music just… gets me…"
"Yeah, it makes me want to Mamama, Mamama, Mamama my children too." Harry grinned. As the song ended, the two kissed again just because they could.
The reception was lovely. Molly Weasley, Ginny Weasley's mother, was sure to bake a cake depicting Harry and Ginny in the midst of passion. The cake scared most of the guests, but they ate a piece to be polite. As everyone sat around doing absolutely nothing, Ron delivered his Best Man speech. It was a horrible speech about how Hermione had left him mere hours earlier due to realizing her unending love for Harry. It ended spectacularly with Ron screaming at Harry saying he could go rot in hell. Everyone laughed at Ron, including Ron himself, and especially Hermione who was still Ron's girlfriend and was not actually leaving him. For some reason, everyone just found the idea of Harry and Hermione being together quite hilarious. Topping off the evening, Fred and George Weasley, the twin owners of Weasley Wizard Wheezes, brought The Super Duper Fireworks Pooper, which was what they called their new fireworks delivery system. The fireworks burst over the celebration, which caused everything flammable to set aflame. A mass panic led to the death of half of the guests, including Harry's Aunt Petunia and his cousin Dudley Dursley. Harry's Uncle Vernon had been saved by refusing to come and associate with "Dem Freaks".
As the evening settled down, Harry and Ginny retired to their all-expenses paid hotel room, where they began to kiss. The kiss grew more passionate as they slowly overcame embarrassment. Harry awkwardly ran his hands over Ginny's body, unsure how to approach this, but feeling much more comfortable when she was just as awkward at exploring his body. Stepping back from the kiss, Ginny dropped her dress and Harry finally got to see Ginny naked. He reached out with one hand to touch the blushing naked girl, but before he could reach her there was a sudden whoop from the closet.
"Wh-What was that?!" Ginny cried, grabbing her dress and covering herself.
"I don't know! Stay there." Harry commanded, grabbing his wand and not the one in his pants. He pointed his wand at the closet and stepped slowly towards it.
"BOOO!" A disappointed muffled voice rang out from the closet. "Go back to the sex!"
"Who are you?!" Harry demanded, angrily ripping the door off of the closet. Ginny gasped and fainted, Harry stood frozen in shock. There, in the closet, to his shame, stood Albus Dumbledore.
"P-Professor? Bu-But you're dead!" Harry stammered.
"Yes. I'm dead. Now close the door and go have sex Harry. You've earned it." Albus smiled grandfather-like. His eyes a-twinkling as he reached out and grabbed the closet door, slowly pulling it shut. "And so have I."
"Wait- No!" Harry kicked the door open again. Albus' twinkling eyes stopped a-twinkling and he looked like a young child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"What are you doing watching us?!" Harry cried. "You died… Snape killed you!"
"No, my boy." Albus sighed, stepping from the closet. "I'm afraid that's not quite the truth. You see, I worked with Severus to go into hiding after creating a fake Dumbledore to die in my place."
"Why? Why didn't you help us? Why did we have to suffer so long?" Harry blinked his eyes rapidly as tears began forming. "Why did you make me face that monster alone? All alone! With the backing of everyone at Hogwarts, I was so alone!" Ginny dropped her dress and abandoned her embarrassment to cuddle against her husband and comfort him in his time of need.
"It is a very long story." Albus said, somberly. "A long, long boring and sexy story… and you've already put off having sex with this lovely young lady for long enough, don't you think?"
"NO!" Harry bellowed. "I LOST EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING EXCEPT GINNY! I LOST REMUS! WE LOST FRED! WE LOST FUCKING HEDWIG! YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL!"
"A good hell." Albus suggested.
"THERE IS NO SUCH THING!" Harry screamed at the crusty old man, who felt much more crusty today.
"Begin talking, before I hex you." Ginny spat at the ex-headmaster. Harry choked out sobs and buried his head in Ginny's chest.
"It was so hard! So, so hard," Harry sobbed. "All I had, when Ron left, was Hermione's soft body for comfort!"
"You had sex with Ms. Granger?!" Albus cried. "HOW DID I MISS THAT? I WAS WATCHING THAT TENT!"
"No. They were clothed. They just slept in the same bed after things got too hard to be alone." Ginny answered, glaring at Albus while Harry sobbed. "They both find each other disgusting sexually. That's why Ron's speech tonight was so funny!"
"Wh-wha-what she said!" Harry sobbed. "H-h-hermione's disgusting!"
"Well, that makes everything alright." Albus smiled, the grandfather-like twinkle appearing in his eye once more. "Now, off to bed Harry."
"You haven't answered a damn thing!" Ginny growled. "Start talking or I'll chop your bits off!"
"No! Not my bits! How will I complete my Kibble without them?" Albus gasped, horrified. "Fine, I know when to concede defeat."
"It was a long time ago, my boy, when I first met your parents. Lilly and James were two of the most attractive students at my school. On the first day, James gave me quite the view of his assets-"
"You mean his bank holdings?" Ginny asked. "Does all of this have to do with money?!"
"No, Mrs. Potter, I am talking about his ding dang diddly ding-dong." Albus admitted. "Now, after getting an eye-full of your father's wibbly wobbly wing-wang, I much desired a view of his wife's jiggly juggly chest melons."
"Oh Merlin," Harry moaned. "Dumbledore is talking about my parent's privates… I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Unfortunately,"Albus continued, ignoring Harry's interruption. "Your parents refused to have sex from that point forward. As I am a bit of a closet pervert, this made me very, very sad. Lilly was beautiful, perhaps the most beautiful woman to ever grace Hogwarts with her majestic boobies."
"Great," Harry sourly choked out. "Just great."
"When Lilly died, I just knew you would be attractive. However, you turned out to be male, which I didn't notice when I left you with the Dursleys." Albus explained.
"You didn't realize when you heard the name Harry?" Ginny asked, skeptically.
"I admit, I overlooked that logical step. My libido was my undoing." Albus sighed. "I knew when you came to Hogwarts that you were not female and not as attractive as I'd hoped."
"Hey!" Harry cried, very offended.
"Harry's right Headmaster," Ginny pointed out. "He looks like a beautiful woman with a little makeup."
"I apologize for any slight against your character, Harry." Albus wrung his hands together in shame and embarrassment. "After you came to Hogwarts, I realized you were not to my liking, so I decided to try and turn you into a Veela."
"What? How does that make any sense?" Ginny puzzled.
"A Veela is born when, what is known in Japanese mythology as a Bishonen, dies mid-coitus." Albus explained. "The Bishonen and his mate are reborn, much like phoenixes, into beautiful sexy women. Since I had no idea of your sexual preferences, Harry, I organized two best friends for you, a male, and a female, so that you would be tempted on both sides. Unfortunately, I underestimated the non-existent libido of eleven-year-olds. Your friends cost me quite a lot of money too. Buying friendship is not cheap."
"It's true Harry." Ron popped his head out from under the bed. "I got paid every day to be your friend. I made a killing!"
"Me too!" Hermione popped out from the hotel fridge. "And I was told to sex you at every chance possible!"
"What? You never tried to sex me, neither of you." Harry gasped out. "W-Why?"
"Because we were too busy saving the world of course," Ron shrugged. "We figured that saving everyone was more important than dying in sex."
"Even if it would give us cool Veela powers," Hermione added, smiling brightly.
"Great, just great," Harry moaned. "Is my whole life a lie?"
"Pretty much," Albus sighed. "Each year, I set up a dangerous and life threatening task for you, but none of your friends would sex you near them. Not even Collin Creevy. The only taker was Professor Trelawny, but you rejected her so badly that I had to erase that memory, lest you go insane."
"Oh Merlin!" Harry ran to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before vomiting.
"In the end, you persevered, overcame all of the challenges, and ended up saving the magical world from a threat that I was determined to ignore, completely by coincidence." Albus smiled proudly at the bathroom. The sounds of Harry violently removing the wedding cake in his stomach was the only response.
"You mean you weren't fighting Voldemort?" Ginny asked, shocked.
"Oh, I was." Albus corrected. "But I only fought him after he returned. Even then, I was determined to see Harry sexed by a beauty like yourself. Nice breasts."
"Yeah, nice breasts sis," Ron gave a thumbs up.
"They are nice." Hermione admitted begrudgingly, grabbing her own lack of breasts and frowning.
"Eeep!" Ginny squeaked. She grabbed her dress and pulled it on again as quickly as possible.
"Why did you compliment her breasts Ron?" Harry asked, entering the room again. "You're her brother for Merlin's sake!"
"Not really." Ron laughed. "I'm actually Voldemort's illegitimate son who Dumbledore rescued. We went over it in therapy three years ago."
"You were with Dumbledore in therapy three years ago?"
"No, I was with Voldemort." Ron corrected. "I had some daddy issues to work out."
"But you're Ron Weasley." Harry protested. "RONALD WEASLEY! EMPHASIS ON THE WEASLEY!"
"That's my name." Ron grinned.
"Perhaps I can shine some light on Mr. Weasley's mysterious past." Albus offered.
"It was a few years after you were put with the Dursleys when I discovered the Heir of the Heir of Slytherin. Determined to see his snake-like sex skills, I placed him with the Weasley family to ensure he would go to Hogwarts and be sorted into Gryffindor. After he arrived, I told him the truth and he and Hermione have been sexually active since their third year, much to my approval," Albus explained.
"Oh my god," Harry put his head in his hands and fell into a chair near the bed.
"It was also around that time when someone reported a baby crying in Godric's Hollow. I went to your parent's house and found your twin brother Barry, whom everyone thought was dead."
"I have a brother?!" Harry cried, unsure how to take this news. "A-Alive? A living brother?!"
"No, not technically," Albus cringed. "Technically you have a sister. Hermione Granger, once Barry Potter, changed genders spontaneously and the sheer magic of it made everyone think she was dead."
"YOU TRIED TO SET ME UP WITH MY TWIN BROTHER?!" Harry leapt out of the chair, anger written as clear as day on his face. "WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT HE EXISTED!?"
"No," Albus corrected, "I tried to set you up with the sister you never knew existed."
"UGH!" Harry ran to the bathroom again.
"Sorry bro," Hermione called out. "If it makes you feel any better, I find sex with you as disgusting as you do!"
"Professor, why was it so important to do all this?" Ginny asked. "Was it really just because Harry's parents didn't have sex where you could see it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid that is the truth. That is also why I developed the prophecy which got them killed. I'm always watching Hogwarts, you see… always watching. Every broom closet… every empty classroom… every shower. Yet, Lilly and James evaded them all." Albus frowned. "It was unacceptable."
"And every danger Harry has faced, with some small exceptions, has been to get Harry to have sex and die during it… to turn him into a Veela, so you could watch him have more sex?" Ginny summed up.
"That is a good summary."Albus smiled. "Five points to Gryffindor. I'll give you a hundred more if you make the sex with Harry good."
"I think I need to visit Samantha Slitwrists." Harry cried from the bathroom. "I can't go on like this!"
"Come on, Harry." Ginny jumped up, angrily staring at the old man before her. She went to the bathroom and pulled Harry out. "I'll take you there myself."
"Wait, aren't you going to have sex?" Hermione asked. "I already made popcorn."
"She made popcorn Harry." Ron gave a pointed look.
"The popcorn cannot be ignored Harry." Albus said sagely.
"Alright, fine! First I'll sex Ginny and then I'll go off myself!" Harry threw up his hands in defeat.
"Hooray!" Everyone else cheered, even Ginny (after all, she was about to be sexed).
"It's a happy ending!" Ron cried as Harry hung his head in shame and prepared to do what must be done.
THE END.