It was times like these that I felt most at peace. I felt genuinely happy and carefree. It was a rarely sunny day in Forks, the first one in months. I was currently lying down on the sand with Jacob's head resting on my stomach. His eyes were closed as I ran my fingers through his unbelievably perfect silky hair. I knew he secretly loved when I did this; yet again he loved any type of physical contact with me. He would always find excuses to hold my hand for just two seconds longer or brush his hand across my cheek. Of course I didn't mind, I actually craved Jacob's touch. I needed constant physical reminders that he was actually there and that he wouldn't suddenly disappear as Edward had.

Thanks to Jacob it no longer pained me to say Edward's name. Sometimes I would repeat his name in my head a billion times to see how many times it would take until I self destructed. I never did. I could even listen to music now, one year and four months later. I knew I owed it all to Jacob. But how exactly do you pay someone back for saving your life and reviving your heart? Jake constantly told me that all he wanted was me but I couldn't continue my pattern of selfishness and be with him. Jake deserved to be with someone complete, a beautiful girl who could offer all of her heart to him and make him happy. How could I ever make him happy by putting him in constant danger and having him always worry about saying the wrong thing that could cause me to snap and bring me back into my previous unhealthy depression.

I felt Jake take his head off of my stomach and saw him propped up on one of his elbows. He placed his other hand on my waist. I could feel his burning touch where my shirt had ridden up a little bit.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, smiling.

"Just about… how happy you make me… and how I owe you my life" his smile grew even wider. I've seen some pretty crazy things but the power of his smile still stunned me every time. I had to smile back.

Jake looked thoughtful for a moment. "I could make you even happier you know." He whispered. I already knew where he wanted to take the conversation then -- A place I didn't want to go yet, especially not today. I knew one day he would get sick of picking up the pieces and his persistence would eventually wear off. I'd been trying to avoid that conversation for months. So, I gave him the look that said 'please don't go there' and prayed that he'd listen.

Jake sighed and sat up. "Do you wanna go in the water now?" he asked cheerfully, pretending the last five seconds didn't just happen.

"It's still too colddd." I whined, putting my arm over my eyes.

"Yea well you didn't mind being all close to a vampire with a temperature of negative one in the middle of the winter." A year ago that would've made me lock myself in a room for 3 weeks. Now, I just took my arm off my face and glared at him. He laughed and kissed me on the cheek. "Just kiddiiing" he said giving me the most innocent face he could.

"Riight."

"No, seriously, come. You know you won't be cold as long as you stay close."

"Wouldn't you just love that?"

"Yes, actually I would." He said laughing; I rolled my eyes and stood up. I could see him watching me from the corner of my eye as I took off my white shirt and jean shorts. I awkwardly stood there in my red bikini I had brought from Phoenix. I never thought I'd actually need a bathing suit in Forks but I brought it just in case. Jake looked at me seductively from head to toe. I was still amazed at the fact that he found me attractive at all, seeing as to how he was practically a god.

Jake grabbed my hand as usual and started walking toward the waves. I already felt the cool breeze coming from the ocean and immediately got goose bumps. Jake must have noticed because he let go of my hand and put his arm over my shoulders. I was instantly warmed. When my feet touched the water, I screamed like a 5 year old. I wasn't expecting it to be that cold.

"Come on Bells, it's easier to go in all at once. Soon, you won't even feel it."

"Um, No. I don't think..Ah!" before I could finish my sentence Jake lifted me and started running in the water. I tried holding on to him for dear life. "Jakeee! Wait! Stop!" All I could hear over my screams was Jake's booming laughter. Jacob jumped underwater and I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. When he came back to the surface he was laughing hysterically.

"It's not funny Jake!" he started to try to hold back his laughter and was able to after a minute or two. I tried to get off of him but jumped back up into his arms once I realized I couldn't touch the floor with my feet. It was then I realized how far we were from the shore. He probably did it on purpose, he knew I couldn't swim for long and would have to hold on to him eventually since he could still reach the floor.

"You just love to torture me don't you?" I asked.

"Why not? You torture me. Especially now, wearing this" He pulled at the string on the back of my bikini top and let it snap back into place.

"So what? You walk around half naked all the time. "

" No, trust me, I'm not complaining. And last time I checked you didn't seem bothered by lack of a shirt. I don't know what gave it away. Maybe the drool coming out of the side of your mouth or how you're not able to form a complete sentence or… "

I smacked his chest playfully. "I do not do that!"

"Yea right Bells. You know you don't have to torture yourself. I have gladly offered many times."

"Shut up Jake!" We laughed together like we have so many times. If only he knew how badly I wanted to take him up on that offer. There were so many times that I yearned to feel his lips on mine. I could only imagine their warmth and softness. There were so many times that I yearned to touch him everywhere and claim him as mine. But I just couldn't do it. Jake's happiness was my priority and doing that would only bring him inevitable pain.

We stayed in the water until my hands were pruny, laughing and talking as usual. I kept my arms around his neck and legs around his waist the whole time and he was not complaining. When we got back to the shore I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself. I didn't remember how cold it was since I was so close to Jake in the water the entire time. I sat down on the sand and I suppose Jake noticed my shivering because he sat next to me and wrapped his arm around me. I instinctively and very willingly leaned into him. He was already nearly dry. He looked down at me and smiled my smile, then I felt his soft, warm lips on my cheek. I wondered how they would feel on my lips or on other parts of my body. Ugh! Why did I keep having these thoughts? Then, I don't know what made me do it, maybe curiosity or how I felt complete and happy whenever he was next to me but as his lips were about o leave my cheek I turned my head, leaned up, and kissed him. He was kissing me back in less than a split second. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. His lips fit perfectly with mine. He placed one hand on the small of my back and the other behind my head. I locked both of my arms around his neck. His lips felt even better than I imagined. It wasn't awkward like I expected it to be, it felt completely natural, like this is where I was supposed to be. I felt his tongue tracing my bottom lip and quickly parted my lips to grant it entrance. I was overcome with anticipation and shivered involuntarily even thought I felt like 1000 degrees. Our tongues circled and danced around with each other. I fisted his hair in my hands. I had never kissed any one like this before. With that kiss, Jake showed me everything he had been trying to for the last year and four months. I felt all the love he had for me and I think he could feel how much I loved him back. I hoped he knew how much I appreciated him. Jake leaned us back until I was laying on the sand with him half on top of me. I was suddenly very aware that my towel was no longer around me because I let it go when I put my arms around his neck. But I didn't care I wanted to be as close to Jake as possible.

Our mouths never disconnected. I felt his hands running up and down my sides lightly but surely giving me goose bumps. I wanted to stay like this forever. Maybe I would. Maybe I could give myself to Jake completely and we could stay here like this until tomorrow morning and then do it again every single day. I knew Jake would happily comply. But I couldn't. I would not allow myself to get hurt again. I loved Jake too much to be with him. I didn't deserve him. What if he realized that when were already engaged or when we were married with two kids? Or worse, what if he imprinted on some one? My thoughts brought me down from my high and Jake felt me freeze because he lifted his mouth from mine and looked at me with a confused expression.

"What happened? Did I do something wrong?" he asked. I felt tears start to form in my eyes thinking about how I was about to hurt him again.

"No. Of course not." You could hear the tears in my voice. I saw realization come across Jacob's face. He knew what I was going to say. He pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes.

" Bella please, don't do this"

I just sat up, picked up my towel and started to gather my things to go. Jacob was sitting on the sand just staring at me.

"I'm so sorry Jake." I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. "I have to go, that can't ever happen again."

When I took my first step, I felt a hot hand wrap around my wrist. Jacob spun my around,

"Why not? You're the one who kissed me, you know? I know you didn't do it for no reason."

" I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. Can you please just let me go? We'll talk about it another day."

"No ! We're gonna talk about it right now. You've been putting this conversation off for months! Bella you know I love you more than anything and I know you love me back, I could tell by the way you were kissing me just two minutes ago, and how you touch me and look at me. I don't understand why you can't just give me a chance. I've been waiting for you for more than a year. I don't know what else you need me to do. I've been picking up the pieces Edward left behind and you still can't even spare a fraction of your heart for me. I've given you everything I have, it's not fair Bella. I'm not asking you for much. All I want is a chance"

"Believe me Jake, I am so grateful for everything you have done for me. Who knows where I would be now if it were not for you. And I do love you, much more than I love myself or anyone else. And I'm so sorry that I keep hurting you and if you feel like I'm just teasing you, I honestly don't know why I did it."

"You did it because you love me too. And Not just like a brother or your mom. I don't understand what's stopping you. You know I would never hurt you or leave you. That's what I've been trying to prove to you this whole time. Have I failed?"

"No Jake, I just think it's better this way.. as friends. " I felt his hand trembling and it killed me when I saw tears starting to form in his eyes. I had to go to before I gave in to his wishes and started another unhealthy relationship. I just wasn't ready. No matter how much I loved him.

"That's bullshit Bella! There was nothing friendly about how you just kissed me."

"Jake, please, just let me go. We can never be together." There was an awkward pause, I felt his hand tighten around my wrist.

"Fine." He said as he dropped my wrist. I turned around and started towards my truck. When I had only taken two steps I heard him say "Can I just ask you one question?"

"Ok." I said without turning around.

"If Edward were to come back today…would you go back to him?"

I turned around and saw him looking at the ground with his hands at his sides. He looked totally defeated and miserable and I was the cause of it as usual. How could I take the light away from the sun?

"I don't know Jake. He's not coming back so.." he looked up at me as if I had just betrayed him in the biggest way. It was the truth I didn't know if I would and there was no way to find out. Right now, I would like to say I wouldn't but if he was standing right in front of me right now and Jake was not present, who knew? Edward would always have a place in my heart no matter how much he hurt me. It's always like that with your first love. But, he was my first love, that didn't mean he had to be my only love.

"Thank You." He said in a small, low voice.

As I was half way home on the road to Forks I had to park on the side of the road because my tears were making it impossible to see the road. An accident right now is the last thing I needed. I couldn't stand any more pain. But who was I to complain? I'm the one who caused it.