In seventeen years - seventeen long and eventful years that are the product of my life until this very day - I've never even once questioned my sexuality. To be quite honest, I haven't so much as thought about it before. I have just assumed that I like girls. Everyone assumes that boys like girls and I never questioned it. But as I find myself staring into those round, blue eyes, I realise I've been wrong all along, because there is simply no way that I am straight.
It's an epiphany, a revelation I didn't expect to witness, much less experience. It could change everything; everything I knew about myself and everything others knew about me. Like I could see the world from a different pair of eyes. As if I'd lived every moment until right this second as a caterpillar and just now became the butterfly. The absolute.
But it's nothing like that. All it takes is a single look at him, and I know. I just know. And I'm fine with it. I accept that I'm not like I thought I was, because what I'm experiencing in this moment just can't be wrong. It feels so pure and so, so right.
It is not the first time I see him. Far from it. I've seen him, probably hundreds of times, passing in the corridors, dining in the Great Hall, reading in the library. Most times in my peripheral vision, a few times by unintentionally getting eye contact. Heck, I've even talked to him before, when he's hung out with Rose or, more seldom, my own little brother. But I never paid attention. I've seen him, but I never actually took the time to look at him.
I do now, though. I look straight into those ice blue eyes, round with surprise, and I see him. It probably does make sense, considering that we just walked straight into each other - literally walked straight into each other - right outside the library door. In a matter of seconds, his books have fallen out of his grasp and down onto the cold stone floor and the two of us have stumbled backwards, now regaining balance after the collision.
"Oh, I'm so sorry", I exclaim, falling down onto my knees to fetch the books.
He imitates my motion, kneeling down, hands collecting a few of the books before he looks up at me. "No, no, it's my fault. I should have watched where I was going."
It's at that moment everything changes, when I look up into his eyes. It's like I see him for the very first time. And what I see is beautiful.
There is such a balance when it comes to his looks. His skin is pale and smooth, like porcelain, white as snow. Its paleness makes the blue eyes and the pink, thin lips the main focus. The hair, that keeps falling in his eyes, has such a pale blond tone that it almost looks white. He looks so innocent, so harmless. Pure.
I know it's not love. I know such a thing takes so much more than this, but it is an instant attraction that I simply cannot deny.
I shake my head and look down quickly, feeling my chest tighten. "'Twas an accident, is all", I mutter and reach for the book closest to me. The title simply reads Advanced Arithmancy. "Arithmancy, huh?" I ask and let my gaze fall on him again.
"Yeah", he says with a nonchalant shrug, his cheeks taking on the faintest shade of pink. "I'm aiming for an O this year."
"You have such high requirements on yourself, have you not?" I ask. "How are you still sane? Rose is exactly the same. She'd cry if she saw my grades."
He lets out a small laugh. It may sound cliche, but the sound is like music in my ears. I feel the corners of my lips crook upwards involuntary as I watch the beautiful smile on his face. I must look like a fool, but I can't help myself. I wasn't prepared for this.
"I'd doubt that, James", he says as his laughter dies out. "From what I've heard, you're actually quite an extraordinary wizard."
I straighten up a little. There's a nervous tickling feeling inside of me, in my stomach and in my legs. "People talk about me?" I stutter, confused. He nods.
"Why wouldn't they?" he said with a soft, kind smile.
It's impossible to stop staring at him. I just can't tear my eyes off of him. Captured by those blue eyes, I imagine myself falling in love with him. It doesn't feel unrealistic. I imagine the two of us together, fingers entwined, my lips against his earlobe as I whisper I love you.
I could love him. I see the potential in myself to fall for the shy and clever and adorable boy. But that is also the problem in this possible situation - he is a boy. No matter how hard I'd fall for him, he would never, ever fall for me.
Still, he had picked up information about me. He listened when other people talked about me. That could simply incline that he is just a nice and friendly boy, but I like to think it could mean that maybe, just maybe, he can feel the attraction as well.
I snap back to reality when his voice calls my name yet again.
"Uhm, what?" I say, blinking rapidly a couple of times to regain my focus.
There is a worried frown on his face, wrinkling his forehead slightly, and his eyes are narrowed. His head is tilted to the side and his lips are pursed. He looks genuinely concerned.
"I asked if I could get my book back?" he says slowly, eyes not leaving mine.
My cheeks heat up and I clear my throat awkwardly. "Oh, yeah, of course", I say and reach the book out to him. He takes it from me, our fingers brushing ever so gently. My hand retreats quickly from his touch, and I'm sure I am full-on blushing now. "Sorry."
"Are you alright?" he questions, still looking concerned. He doesn't get to his feet. Instead, he moves a little closer and puts a hand on my shoulder. My heart beats so loud. I'm scared he'll hear it, though I know it's impossible.
Yeah, I think, I'm just totally attracted to you all of a sudden. You know, no problem, right?
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just zoned out, sorry." I smile apologetically.
He removes his hand. "You sure?" he asks as he gets up.
I follow his example, nodding as I do so.
With a small shrug and a lopsided smile, Scorpius Malfoy says, "Oh well, okay. I better go now - I was supposed to see Rose in the common room a while ago, she's probably still waiting. Nice meeting you though. I'll see you around, James."
He waves before he turns around, leaving me standing alone outside the library without even remembering why I came here to begin with. All I know is that I can't fall in love with Scorpius without breaking my heart in a thousand pieces in the meantime.
Author's Note
I'm not quite pleased with this, as it didn't turn out as I had imagined. Anyway, I hope you like it. I do have plans to continue it, but that is only if people have an interest to read more. So please do review and tell me what you think and if you think it's worth continuing. It would mean the world to me! (:
And for those who are hoping for a Momentum update - I'm working on it, I am! I'm so, so sorry that you have to wait!
xx