Heavy Plays Chess
By Jurgan
Disclaimer: Team Fortress 2 and all its characters are property of VALVE and are used without permission and with no expectation of profit. This is an act of love. Please let me know what you think.
Spy: Gentlemen, I have called this meeting because I feel our team is lacking. Our skills in weapons are without parallel. However, our use of these skills is in dire need of improvement. Strategy and tactics are areas that, as your leader, I insist we develop.
Soldier: Balderdash! Why I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War, I've studied the campaigns of Robert E. Lee, Napoleon Bonaparte-
Spy: Then perhaps, my friend, you can explain why, during last week's battle, you were prepared for a perfect ambush, yet gave away your position to fire rockets at a sentry gun?
Soldier: All war requires risk and sacrifice! No one can win through timid behavior!
Spy: But you fired on our own sentry.
Soldier: Unfortunate but necessary collateral damage.
Spy: We will develop our minds through the noble game of chess. L'echecs is a game of strategy and tactics. It is a game for the mind. A strong mind will make you a strong man. It will give you power over your enemies. It will increase your potency to levels unheard of-
Scout: Hey, ladies, how's the sewing circle going?
Spy: Good of you to join us, Scout. You gave us a perfect example of how not to use one's talents last week when I was injured and you told Medic to run through the defense network and get the intelligence while you operated the Medigun.
Scout: Hey, no one saw that one coming! Keep 'em on their toes- be unpredictable-
Spy: It had a completely predictable outcome. And get your hands off my cane. But I have yet to mention our greatest recent blunder, one which falls to you, Engineer.
Engineer: Now I know you ain't got nothing on me, hoss. Every machine I build-
Spy: -works beautifully, no doubt. Your catapult in particular was a modern marvel. Shooting flaming boulders that explode into shrapnel- utterly brilliant. But this invention requires careful calibration, precise aim, and above all- since our troops were running to meet theirs in the center of the battlefield- perfect measurement of the range of the target. Pourquoi, then, would you ask Demoman to operate the controls?
Demoman: [looks up from adjusting his eyepatch] Ach, did I miss something?
Spy: I will play you all in chess and evaluate your strategy. Through this, I will gain insight into your minds and assist you in strengthening your weaknesses. Learning to coordinate your pieces will in turn teach you how to coordinate our efforts as a team. So, who will be first? Soldier?
Soldier: Your game is for the weak! It's not true combat unless you can smell the blood of your enemies!
Heavy: I will play game.
Sniper: You?
Medic: Um, Heavy, do you know how to play this game?
Heavy: Silly doctor, all Russians know chess. My father taught me when I was a boy. We also wrestled, but once I outweighed one hundred kilograms he put a stop to that. It has been some time since I played.
Scout: Oh, this'll be fun.
Spy: Scout, must you lean over my shoulder so close? Your breath is unbearable- where are we getting onions?
Heavy: I am white, so I move pawn forward first.
(1. E3)
Spy: Timid. I move my own pawn two spaces.
(1… e5)
Heavy: Oh, yes, pawn can move two spaces on first move- wait, is it my first move or pawn's first move?
Medic: Its first move- you can move any of the other pawns two spaces.
Heavy: Ah, yes. So now I move queen's pawn two spaces.
(2. D4)
Spy: By doing so, you have allowed it to be captured.
Medic: Right, remember pawns capture diagonally.
Heavy: Da, and I recapture. Father told me a pawn has a shield in front and spears pointing sideways, so it can stab to the diagonal.
Medic: That's… actually pretty clever.
(2… exd4 3. Exd4 d5)
Heavy: Now I move Knight forward, so to attack pawn.
(4. Nc3)
Spy: A fine, aggressive move. I will defend with my Bishop.
(4… Be6)
Heavy: Ah, you have fallen into trap, Spy! I take Bishop with Knight!
Spy: … I'm sorry, what?
Heavy: I take Bishop with Knight.
Spy: You are unable to do that.
Medic: Right, remember, Knights move in L's.
Heavy: Three spaces forward, two to side- is L!
Medic: No, only small L's- two spaces and then one.
Heavy: What? That is foolish- how can Knight only do that?
Spy: The Knight is a short range piece, good for attacking and defending but only in close quarters. Much like Pyro. Whereas the Bishop is more like Sniper, attacking across open lines from far away. You, my brobdignagian ami, are perhaps like the rook- powerful, able to clear open lines, yet somewhat clumsy.
Scout: Yeah, yeah. What are you, one of the little dinky ones?
Spy: Naturelment, I would be the King, since not only am I the leader, but I am often underestimated and am surprisingly powerful in close quarters.
Sniper: Hang on a tick, wouldn't the intelligence be the King, since losing it loses the game?
Spy: You do have a point. Perhaps this is not the best analogy.
Heavy: Fine, then. I cannot take with Knight, so… you say I am rook, da? Well, then, let us get rook involved. First, move pawn out of the way.
(5. h4)
Spy: I will bring forward my other Bishop.
(5… Bb4 6. h5 Nf6 7. Rh4)
Heavy: And now Heavy Weapons Rook is ready to dominate!
(7… O-O)
Heavy: Wait, what did you just do?
Spy: I castled, of course. One of the most useful moves in chess, protecting your King and developing your Rook simultaneously.
Heavy: You are confused, Spy. You cannot move two pieces at once.
Spy: You can in this case, with a King and a Rook.
Heavy: How can that be?
Spy: It can be done by moving the King two spaces towards the Rook and then the Rook jumping the King.
Heavy: I have never heard of this move. Is he right, doctor?
Medic: Yes, that's a real move.
Heavy: Very well. I should do this myself, but there are pieces in the way.
(8. Qf3 Bg4)
Heavy: Now I move Bishop-
Medic: Watch out for your Queen!
Heavy: Ah, thank you doctor.
Sniper: God save the queen.
Spy: For that joke, you have latrine duty for the week.
Sniper: Oh, bugger this. [Sniper storms off] Wanker.
(9. Qg3 Qe7+)
Spy: You seem to now be in check.
Heavy: Ah, the first check of the game. Well, I block with Bishop.
(10. Be3 Nf6)
Heavy: And now, I can castle King- why are you looking at me funny?
Spy: You cannot castle now, because you cannot castle through check.
Heavy: Through check?
Medic: The bishop- it's covering a square you'd have to move through.
Heavy: Who cares for through check? The King would not end in check, so why would it matter?
Spy: That is the rule, and we must play by it.
Medic: Remember, the Bishop's a sniper- he's a really fast shot.
Heavy: Fine, then, I make other moves.
(11. f4 Rd8 12. Qh2 Rd6)
Heavy: And now, I castle with other Rook.
Medic: What? You can't do that.
Heavy: It is two spaces away so I castle it.
Medic: No, it's only on the rook's starting square.
Heavy: Fine, then.
(13. Qg3 h6)
Heavy: Now I move Rook back and move pieces and THEN castle.
Spy: I am afraid that will not work either. You cannot castle with a rook that has moved.
Heavy: But you said on starting square- it will be on starting square!
Spy: It does not matter- once it has moved it cannot castle, even if it returns to its home.
Heavy: What is the point of that rule! Fine, Heavy is bored- I take Bishop!
(14. Rxg4 Nxg4 15. Qxg4 g6 16. hxg6 Rxg6 17. Qxf3 h5 18. Qxd5 Rh6)
Heavy: Now I can castle, da?
Spy: Yes, in this case, you may do that.
Heavy: Finally!
(19. O-O-O h4)
Heavy: Aw, isn't that cute? Tiny pawn is attacking me!
Spy: It is nothing to scoff at.
Medic: He's right, you know. If it makes it to the other side, it can promote to another piece.
Heavy: WHAT?
Spy: If a pawn is able to reach the other side of the board safely, it may turn into any other piece.
Heavy: Why are there so many of these strange rules? You're saying if I make it to other side of Red base, I can change to any other class?
Spy: Oui, mais seulment if you are a pawn, the weakest piece.
Heavy: Oh, so if Scout makes it to other side of the base, he can become any other class.
Scout: Hey, watch it, man. I'm a freakin' animal out there! I'd be like the most powerful piece on the board!
Spy: That would be the Queen- unsurprising.
Scout: What- I- no, it's- how- huh?
Heavy: Well, if that is the case, then I should get my own pawn running!
(20. g4 hxg3 e.p.)
Heavy: What in hell was that!
Spy: I captured your pawn- en passant.
Heavy: En passant? Spy, save your French-speak for Scout's mother! Now you are just making up rules!
Medic: No, it's a real rule- the pawn can capture another pawn when it passes. Like the spear thing you talked about- he stabs it in passing.
Spy: It replaced the former rule of Passar Battaglia.
Heavy: What, more French-speak!
Spy: Italian, actualment.
Heavy: Italian, French- I thought Russians invented this game!
Spy: Actually, it was Indians.
Scout: Indians, huh? What'd they make the pieces from- buffalo chips?
Spy: … why would you think that?
Scout: You know they used every part of the buffalo, right?
[Spy's eyes widen and his hand starts to shake. Slowly, he takes a very long drag from his cigarette, then extinguishes it on the back of Scout's hand.]
Scout: Ow! Damn, what was that for?
Spy: It was less painful than your stupidity, I assure you.
Heavy: Well, then, check, damn you!
(21. Qg5+ Qxg5 22. fxg5 Rh5)
Heavy: Ha! Now I capture your Rook en passent!
Medic: No, Heavy, that only works for pawns.
Heavy: It is pawn!
Medic: I mean you have to be taking a pawn.
Heavy: My pawn has spear! Rook passes, I stab it with spear! Of course I do that!
Spy: That is not the way the rule works.
Heavy: Well, then, I make up new rule, too! Is called "Sasha shoot pieces off the board with gun!"
Spy: Isn't that a bit redundant?
Heavy: What is redundant, another made-up rule? Perhaps your pieces get special powers when they stand on their heads! Maybe Rook and Knight breed and create whole new piece of their own! I tire of this game- I am going to my room. Come with me, doctor- and go get checkerboard.