"Haruhi, it's getting late. We should go back," Kyon complained as he and the other three slaves trudged behind her. How can you blame him? He skipped dinner, didn't do his homework, and now was up at eleven on a school night without his parents' consent…all to please that obnoxious, tyrannical deity.
Haruhi swept the beam of her flashlight across the endless field of wheat, which apparently grew in every inch of soil available in Japan. "There has to be a good crop circle spot somewhere," she murmured. "Hey, Itsuki, how's the stereo you brought?"
The esper smiled and held up the machine, flashing its gay rainbow flowery-ness design. "Still intact," he said.
"Good. The perfect spot has to be anywhere now. So no dillydallying, girls! Keep searching."
Kyon's grip tightened around his flashlight. "Don't call me a girl," he grumbled under his breath. Itsuki chuckled softly, and Kyon shot him a glare.
"M-m-miss Suzumiya, I still don't know wh-what we're supposed to be looking for," Mikuru quavered. "A-are we supposed to find an alien…?"
"If you don't know, then you're an idiot," Haruhi said. The truth is, Haruhi, nobody knew what they were supposed to be looking for except for you. Wait, scratch that. Haruhi doesn't know either. The only thing about this whole expedition are five idiots wandering in a gigantic field looking for UFO's that enjoy violating property.
A few minutes passed, and Yuki pointed her flashlight at a particular spot in the field. And no, it had no obvious traits to differentiate it from all the other spots they walked. "That one," she droned.
Haruhi clapped her hands like a child. "Yes, that's perfect!" she exclaimed. "All right, Itsuki, set up that stereo."
Without question, Itsuki walked to the spot she pointed to with a saccharine look on his face. After turning it on and inserting one of the CD's from the stack (dear Lord, please don't say they're going to stay there till morning), Haruhi ordered the Brigade to gather around the machine.
"Now we just have to wait for the aliens to come," Haruhi told them. "Hmm, this pop music is actually really good. Hey, Yuki, you like this music too, huh?" The introverted girl didn't answer; just continuing to bob her head in unison to the beats.
"I can't even understand the lyrics," Kyon said. He grabbed one of the CD's and studied the foreign symbols. They were obviously English words; he could recognize them from the few times he stayed awake in language class.
"That's because they're American songs, idiot," Haruhi snapped. "Don't you know anything about aliens? There has to be a reason why there are so many UFO sightings in that country. It's because America has catchy songs."
"Aren't our songs catchy too?" Kyon said, but decided not to say more. If Yuki Nagato likes it, then it must be true.
Right when he was about to set the CD down, a delicate hand tugged at it. "Oh, you want to see it? Okay then." He handed Yuki the CD. She stared at it, face vacant of any expression, and soon she had the whole pile sitting in her lap. As she studied each one, the other teenagers sat together in silence, listening to the music or looking at the stars. It was actually rather peaceful for the SOS Brigade, minus the whole sitting in a wheat field in the middle of the night thing. Haruhi and Mikuru went off to see if the aliens were anywhere, making it even more peaceful.
Kyon was taking a nap when Yuki tapped his shoulder. "What?" he groaned.
"Who is this human?" she asked, holding a CD in front of his face. Its cover had a ten-year-old-looking boy on it with a weird hairstyle. Little girls probably found him to be very attractive, considering how most ten-year-olds, unlike him, are ugly. But to older people, he looked so gay even gay people were scared of him.
Kyon sighed. "I don't know. I kinda remember seeing it before, maybe in my sister's room. I think he's called Justin Beaver or something?"
"That was very close, but still incorrect. Actually his name is Justin Bieber," Itsuki butted in, thrusting his face into the group and invading the air space between them. Wait, didn't he just fall asleep?!
"Should I be disturbed you know that?" Kyon asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Not at all. English is my second language," Itsuki said calmly. When he realized nobody was convinced, he added, "Well, that would be how I was able to purchase the music for this excursion."
"What does the human sound like?" Yuki said. Although her voice was flat, her eyes were sparkling. Itsuki shrugged.
"Perhaps we could change the music and find out." And with that, he swapped CD's and started playing Bieber's music.
What came next was the most horrifying experience anyone could ever imagine…and it wasn't even a visit from aliens. The music coming out the stereo raped the members' eardrums in such a way that screams of bloody murder filled the air with it.
Kyon clasped his hands over his ears. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! KOIZUMI, YOU BASTARD! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING THIS SHI-?!"
"I-I'll turn it off, okay?" Itsuki said, moving his hand to the off button. But a certain humanoid interface slapped his hand away with violent force.
"NAGATO?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TRYING TO KILL US?!" Kyon yelled.
Yuki ignored him and turned up the volume twice as high. Shudders racked through the other twos' body. Once again, she ignored their pain and noddded her head to the music.
"THAT GODDAMN HARUHI! IF SHE DIDN'T GET THAT IDEA THAT ALIENS LIKED AMERICAN SHI-"
"ACTUALLY IT'S CANADIAN. I ONLY BROUGHT CANADIAN MUSIC JUST IN CASE REAL ALIENS CAME," Itsuki said, massaging his hand.
"SAME DAMN THING, APPARENTLY!"
"Nagato, could you please turn it off? How about I give you the CD and you can listen to it at home?" Itsuki suggested.
"I like to listen to it now."
"C'MON, NAGATO, PLEASE? I-I PROMISE I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST PLEASE TURN IT OFF! PLEASE!" Kyon pleaded.
"Allow me to listen to one more song then."
Kyon smiled and let his whole body collapse before her. "Oh, thank you, Nagato…" It certainly would bring more pain, but at least they wouldn't have to listen to the CD all night.
But the next thing they knew, the English lyrics were slicing through their ears with a higher excruciation rate than the previous song. "Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooohh…"
"GAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M SORRY, NAGATO, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Weak with pain, Kyon pushed himself up and inched his way toward the gay stereo from hell. The power button…just…a little…closer…
Yuki's seemingly frail hand clasped Kyon's wrist. She pushed him face down in the dirt, holding both his hands as if she were cuffing a criminal that just been arrested. Stereo next to his head, the music tore into his brain as he imagined the girl bobbing her head to the crappy beats.
"Let me go, Nagato!" Kyon demanded as he squirmed under her weight. Damn, aliens were strong.
"…"
"I swear I won't touch the power button, just-"
"You have broken your first promise. My trust for you has been terminated."
"Look, you don't have to do this!"
"…"
"Goddammit. Koizumi, help me out for God's sake!"
"Thought you'd never ask," Itsuki said, the smile in his voice as obnoxious as the song. He was watching Kyon suffer as he did nothing, didn't he?!
"JUST MAKE HER LET GO OF ME!"
"Very well," he said, sparks of red light appearing in the edges of Kyon's vision. Some force-like thing hit the area between the human and alien. Yuki's hands lifted off of him for a brief second, then returned with a crushingly new pressure.
"Modifying strength level." Yuki said. "Initiating defense mode." Suddenly, she clasped Kyon's arms painfully, and started pulling on them.
"Koizumi!"
"Oh. I'm sorry," Itsuki chuckled. "It seems my powers are limited even in this area."
If Kyon wasn't stuck in the grip of a Superman-esque alien, he would've punched him right now.
"May I try again?"
"Do anything."
Sparks aimed toward them again, all hitting Yuki square in the hand. It seared through her hand, burning Kyon's skin.
"You're making it worse, damn it!"
"I'm doing my best," Itsuki said.
"SHE'S TRYING TO TEAR MY ARMS OFF!"
"I'll do something else then." More sparks of light hurtled in their direction, but instead of hitting the two teenagers, it collided with the stereo. The stereo slightly damaged, its music buffered for a moment before playing again. Damn it. Bieber's voice was even worse now that it wasn't smooth.
"Initiating pissed off mode," Yuki mumbled, not sounding angry at all. Releasing the human she almost amputated, she hoisted herself up and began to transform. Cold purplish-blue light burned around her, and her eyes turned into a flaring red. Now if she grew twenty more feet and lost all her facial features, she would look just like a Celestial.
The wheat around her ignited in the blue flames as she slowly moved toward Itsuki. Beams of red light shot out of Yuki's eyes, which Itsuki dodged like a ninja. How many powers do these two freaks have?!
"Kyon! Turn the stereo off!" Itsuki hollered as he jumped over a laser aiming at his feet. Okay, now he's worried about turning off the music? "Hurry while she's distracted!"
Ignoring the pain in his forearms, Kyon crawled toward the stereo and pressed the power button. Never had he felt so much peace. He'd love to just collapse on the ground and sleep for an eternity.
Yuki seemed to calm down too, despite the commotion she had just caused. The aura around her had disappeared, and her eyes returned to its normal gold color as she crumpled in the seared wheat. The boys walked up to her hesitantly.
"Nagato?"
"I am fine. The glitch I had recently experienced has been terminated," she said as Kyon helped her up. Thank God she's back to normal.
"It seems Suzumiya's theory has triggered a defection inside Miss Nagato whenever certain music plays, such as this one," Itsuki mused. "That would explain why she had attacked Kyon."
"Yeah, I think we all know that, Captain Obvious," Kyon said, but relieved all the same. "Well, at least my body parts are still in the right place."
"What really confuses me is how it was Canadian music. Nagato?"
"My desire for the music was beyond my control. The sensation was similar to being hacked."
"Well, it is definitely Haruhi logic," Kyon said. "She probably listened to Canadian music and assumed it was American, or something stupid like that."
"Probably so. But it could also be that Suzumiya considered American music to be from both Canada and the USA. I should've known better when I brought the CD's."
"Well, anyway, let's make sure none of this happens again." He really wasn't in the mood for forming Haruhi theories right now.
Suddenly, they caught sight of a light coming toward them. It was the other girls.
"What happened?! Did you see an alien?!" Haruhi panted in an exhilarated tone. "Mikuru and I saw a bunch of lights, so we tried to come back as fast as we could. Well, I did anyway, because Mikuru kept stalling and being a-"
"You must've been hallucinating," Kyon said. "It's probably from the lack of sleep. Let's go home."
"Hey! Why isn't the music turned on?! And you call yourselves Brigade Members!"
"Haruhi, no!"
"Shut up, Kyon! There's no way we can attract the aliens if- ew, this CD sucks! I'm changing it!"
Yuki clenched her fists.
"Suzumiya!" Itsuki gasped, pulling the stubborn girl away from Yuki's attack. Instead of hitting flesh, Yuki's fist went straight into the ground, knocking the stereo over.
"Yuki! I didn't know you had such strength!" Haruhi said, her eyes sparkling in awe. That moron, didn't she realize Yuki almost killed her?! "How did you do it?! An alien really did come, didn't it?! Did it give you that power?! Did it turn you into an alien?!"
"Initiating pissed off mode," Yuki said during Haruhi's barrage of questions. Itsuki grabbed hold of Haruhi and Mikuru's hand, dragging them away from the rage that was about to come.
"Woah! She's glowing and shooting lasers out of her eyes! This is even better than an alien visit!"
"Miss Suzumiya, you must run faster!"
"WAAAHHH!"
"Shut up, Mikuru! You know this is the most interesting experience you could have in this lifetime!"
Meanwhile, in Kyon's perspective, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Oh crap, he thought. Nagato is really going to hurt somebody now. If Haruhi gets killed, the world could be destroyed with her. I have to do something about this…but what? Nagato's practically Superman. She could kill me too. What should I do? Wait a minute…is this déjà vu I'm feeling? It's faint but…something's familiar about this. The way Nagato's destroying everything in her path; the way Koizumi drags the ecstatic Haruhi away from danger… That's it! I know what I must do!
Gathering all the bravery he could muster, Kyon raced toward the lethal Yuki Nagato and faced her, praying no laser beams would hit him in the face. He'd have to be fast.
"Everything I said was a lie! I really do have a glasses fetish!"
This stopped Yuki's brain for a moment. Her eyes dulled, returning just a ting to its usual color. "I see," she murmured, slightly dumbstruck.
"Before you stopped wearing glasses, you turned me on so much it was as if you really did have breasts."
"Ah," she said emotionlessly.
And with that, Kyon planted his lips onto hers, ignoring the blue light licking his hands and face. If she was so in love with Justin Bieber, maybe he could reverse the love to him and save the world. Also, for a nerdy alien robot girl, she was a pretty good kisser. Bonus points!
"Kyon, you bastard!" Haruhi shouted.
"How could you?" Mikuru sobbed.
"Tsk tsk tsk," Itsuki said, shaking his head in disappointment.
And then he remembered, with terror, that Haruhi's rage was many times worse than Yuki's. Oh crap, that was a stupid decision! In any minute, the universe would-
BOOM! And the universe imploded.