There was blood everywhere, like paint that's being thrown onto an empty canvas. A body lies on top of the blood pool; a crowd has gathered around it and murmured to themselves about the tragic scene before them. A nearby investigator picks up a wallet that stuck out from the victims' pants' back pocket and examined its' contents. The victim was female and is about 24 years old. If you haven't figured it out by now, that 24-year old female is me. My name is Raven Roth and this is my story...
4 months ago...
"You know, you really need to get out more Raven. You can't just stay home." My boyfriend Robin said me one weekend when I invited him over to my place for a movie marathon. The feature presentation was one of my personal favourites: "Pride and Prejudice". Now I wouldn't say that I'm a huge romance movie junkie, mind you; but I suppose you can say that I'm a romantic at heart. I thought about what Robin just said and I know that I need to get out more but where else can I go? I've been to every corner and surface of the city and now I'm always at home staring at my laptop, write in my journals and read my favourite novels. I then thought back to a conversation that I had with my parents about a few weeks ago. My mother said that she hates seeing me at home and wants me to get out of the house and find a job and that I don't have any friends to hang out with and that I'm nothing but a little flower in a greenhouse(which translates to a sorry-ass nobody in Mom-speak) that's never going to amount to anything except end up in a restaurant somewhere as a waitress getting minimum wage while my father sat across from me on the single seat looking glum and did not say a word because deep down, he agrees with my mother. I stood there, in front of my mother, head bowed and broke down to an emotional wreck. All the confidence that I had to keep myself from falling into severe depression shattered like glass into a million tiny pieces. A part of me just wanted to end it all and never look back; but another part of me tells me that Death is not the solution to my problems. I wanted to believe that; but what choice do I have? All those times I suffered from inner struggles, trying to somehow convince myself that Death is not the answer to everything but that didn't seem to help, so now it is the answer to all my problems. I was brought back to the real world when Robin called my name to get my attention. I turned to look at the love of my life and I felt guilty and saddened that someday I'm going to leave him behind because of my selfish attempt to end my agony.
A few agonizing months followed after the visit from Robin; and after enduring more harsh, cold words from my once loving parents (though they weren't exactly loving in the first place), I decided right then and there that I have had enough and wanted nothing more than to end my life. I decided that a quick and painless death would be sufficient. I planned the date of my death to be on my 24th birthday, April 17th. The weapon of choice would be a knife. I will leave letters for my boyfriend and family to find, hoping against hope that somehow Robin will understand why I needed to do this. As for my parents, they don't need an explanation, they wanted me dead ever since I brought home average grades and average report cards. Though I kept most of the emotions to myself, there's still the cold harsh truth that nothing I did is good enough for them. They wanted me to be the "Perfect Daughter", which in my opinion is a mindless robot who obeys her parent's every command and is used as a money tree to fuel said parent's plans for retirement.
The day came at last, April 17th, my 24th birthday, the last day that I will spend on this Earth. It was somewhat a day of happiness and celebration, as it was a birthday, after all. Friends,family and of course, Robin came to celebrate the day with me and as I watched from where I sat in the backyard where the party took place, I thought about how it would feel like to slowly slip into Death's cold embrace. Would it be filled with pain? Or will it be nothing but darkness? Everything around me seemed to slow down and dissolve into a blur as if I was dreaming the entire thing as I was drowning within the pools of my sub-conscious mind.
After the party crowd has dispersed and everything brought back to the way it was before, I slowly made it upstairs to my room and started to compose the letters that would later be found by my parents. After sealing each envelope shut, I took out the knife that I have hidden in my dresser which I took from the kitchen, placed it on my desk and proceeded to find something to barricade my bedroom door. I found an extra collapsible chair and placed it at an angle underneath the doorknob. Once I am certain that no one will be able to enter unless they were to break down my door, I went back to my desk and retrieved the knife. I then raised the knife, held in my hands, above my head and aimed it at my chest, then with one quick movement, I thrust the knife into my chest, thus piercing my heart and ending my life. I fell backwards onto the carpeted floor of my room in slow motion as I slowly slipped into the darkness; and the world as I knew it was no more...
The next morning...
There was blood everywhere, like paint that's being thrown onto the empty canvas. My now lifeless body lies on top of the blood pool; a crowd has gathered around it and is murmuring to themselves about the scene before them. Robin was among the sea of people and wanted to rush to my side but was blocked by the infamous yellow crime tape and is saddened and angry to see me leave everything behind. A nearby investigator picks up a wallet that stuck out from my pants' back pocket and examined its' contents: A learner's license, a bank card and school IDs. The on-site medical examiner pronounced time of death to be around 11pm last night and the cause of death is a knife wound to the chest that is consistent with a suicide. The investigator then took a look at the ID's that were taken out of the wallet that was being examined and saw the name of the girl that lay dead on her own bedroom floor: Raven Roth. He then walked over to my parents, who were standing outside my bedroom door and said, "I'm deeply sorry for your loss, Mr. and Mrs. Roth." My parents just nodded in thanks for the investigator's sympathy as they took one last glance at my dead body as it was being carried out and brought to the city morgue, with tears streaking down their faces.
The funeral was small, not many people attended, just some close friends,some distant relatives and my Robin. As the priest finished the eulogy, the mahogany coffin which had roses carved onto the corners and a phoenix on the lid that contained my lifeless body, is slowly lowered into the ground below. The gravestone was made from the finest marble and on it bears the inscription: Raven Roth, 1989-2013, Beloved Daughter, Loyal Friend. You will be remembered always. After the funeral, my parents got into the family car and drove in silence back to the house in which I once occupied.
The letter I left my parents was found later that night after I was buried.
Dear Mother and Father,
By the time that you have found this letter, I would already be dead. I'm sure that you are glad that I am out of your way for good. All those times you lectured me, diminishing any confidence that I had. You always compared me to other people who are better than me, smarter than me, more mature than me; and even though it appears that I am just taking it all in; the reality of it is, I was slowly sinking into depression. Why can't you be proud of me once in a while?! Why must I become the perfect daughter who's a genius with perfect grades and beauty to boot to fulfill your every demand?! Why is it that nothing I do is good enough for you?! All those things that you've said to me all these years made me realize that I am never going to reach your standards even if I tried, because it will never be good enough for you, because you wanted more. If you ever wondered why I was so distant towards the both of you is because I hated you with everything I have and even in Death I will continue to hate and loathe you. I have suffered through depression and melancholy for way too long; and now, I have chosen Death, to end my suffering once and for all. Please give the second letter to Robin, the only person who actually cares for me.
Your average, good for nothing Daughter,
Raven Roth
The letter to my Robin was found after my funeral which was given to him by my parents the next morning.
My dearest Robin,
I am deeply sorry for leaving you like this; but I had no choice, I just can't take it anymore. All those times that my parents yelled and lectured me was too much for me so I sank into depression and my mind was swimming with negative thoughts. I hope that you will never have to go through what I went through and suffer the same fate as me. Find the joy in Life and cherish it with everything you have and never head down the Path of Agony like I did. I will always be with you, even though I'm not physically present.
Love, always and forever,
Your Raven
Some say Death is the ultimate suffering; but they don't know what it feels like to live in loneliness.