Emptiness.
The sun set before him slowly as the light turned orange and then slowly faded away into the blackness. He stood before it motionless, a lone figure, his shadow shrinking into nothingness as the ball of fire was hidden away for the night. But it would be back tomorrow, the sun would always rise for another day.
He stood in the darkness longer than necessary, feeling the blackness engulf him, turn him, like the sun, into nothingness. For a while the darkness had been his greatest companion, keeping him hidden from the world and the demons. But only for a while. Sometimes he despised it and wanted to walk through the daybreak illuminated in the suns glare; at night it often seemed the moon avoided him.
He began to walk again, careful with each step even if he knew the path. He had to be extra careful, being back here, for there were sure to be eyes peeking through the darkness for him. But still here he was, the danger or fear couldn't keep him away any longer; he'd stayed hidden for too long - it was time to come out into the open again. Even if was for just one night.
It had been so hard to go, not only because he had to leave everything behind, but because he was forced to do so, he'd had no choice. He wasn't a coward and he'd never ran from a fight before. Until now. Part of him still regretted running from the Chinese, he should have let them kill him, at least he would've die with his pride. But no, he hadn't been able to do that, as much as a coward he felt, giving himself in would have been defeat.
It had been a no win situation, much like the one he was in now. He needed to come back, he had to, there was no choice about it. Being away, isolated and alone with nothing but the guilt to accompany him was slowly tearing him apart. Just one night, he had prayed, just let me have one more night with my family. Even if they don't know I'm there, let me see them one last time.
He knew he could never go back and see Kim again, unless his name was somehow cleared. It wasn't something he would hold his breath for, the Chinese would never let it go. Re-appearing from the dead to leave again would only cause her distress. She had probably done mourning for him now, he couldn't and wouldn't rip open healed wounds; he'd hurt her enough. Audrey was a different matter, he loved her and he missed her but he could never be with her again. Not only because of his death, but because of the problems he had caused her during his last day. Knowing she and Kim would be okay didn't make it any easier to live without them though, if anything it was worse; to know they were happy but he could never share that happiness with them again…
Prayers were useless, he knew, and rarely answered if ever. He wouldn't wait around for a miracle, he couldn't. He didn't have the time to spare, his sanity was slowly slipping away. He had set off on foot, it had taken a long, long time to get here. But it was worth it, he knew, just to be in LA at all made him feel better. Somehow he felt stronger, as though the familiar streets were curing the home sickness he had been plagued with since he ran, eight long and lonely months ago.
He had somewhat settled into a little shack like motel just over the border. The area was isolated but not small enough to cause him discomfort, everybody kept to themselves, hell, he didn't think anybody noticed his arrival never mind his disappearance. He had worked a few odd jobs when his money supply had been tight but he didn't have to do so. He did it more for the activity, it helped to pass the time, some days seemed never ending.
He'd met a few guys throughout the time working, he even went out for a drink with them once, in one of the towns three small bars. He had expected the company to be pleasant but he was on edge, he barely spoke and drank too much. After a while one of the men, Jared, had offered him something to help 'cool him off,' as he had put it. Jack had listened mildly interested until he realised it was heroin.
He had almost ran from the bar in fear, before throwing up when he reached his room. He had shook with nerves, he hadn't even considered doing drugs again since his death. He had tried to shake away the thoughts, but he knew why he had reacted so frantically. Heroin would pass the time and take away the edge. It could eat up the guilt over leaving his daughter, it could dim the vision of Paul's dead body, silence Audrey's screams.
It would make things so much better and this life would be easier, which is why he couldn't take it. Part of him rationalised that the pain of becoming a junkie again, the loss of self respect and strength would be a suitable punishment to make up for the pleasure he would receive. But it wasn't true. He would embrace the numbness until one day he'd take too much and it would be over. He didn't deserve to feel nothing and he couldn't die now. Not after his friends had gone to so much trouble to keep him alive. It would be giving the Chinese what they wanted, he had told himself; that was the only thought which stopped him from doing so.
He had almost laughed the next morning when the memory of the bliss and peace heroin created hovered in his mind. He knew why he wanted it so badly but he also knew why he wouldn't give in. He didn't deserve it. He finally had allowed himself to laugh out loud at the revelation, 'I don't deserve to be a junkie, how pathetic am I?' But it was true. He deserved nothing, not even the label of a druggie, and smack head; it would be too good for him.
He had left the following day, knowing what he had to do. It was the only way he could stop himself from doing something stupid, maybe even stupider than starting back on the heroin, if there were such a thing. He had decided to walk, knowing it would be a hard and physically exhausting journey. It also meant he'd be out in the open for a long period of time; this way he would have to concentrate and focus - his mind wouldn't be able to sink into the guilt as it normally would. Maybe he'd be able to go a full day without breaking down, allowing himself to think of a life where all of this could be reversed.
He didn't believe it, it was false hope and he knew it. But that couldn't stop him from dreaming the selfish dreams which came to visit him only when he allowed it to. Only if he allowed them, he knew he didn't deserve hope. He hated himself for being so miserable, he had been given the gift of life, how could he be so caught up in himself that he could sometimes wish it away?
He grimaced as he trotted on down the street, hands buried deep into his jacket pockets, the bag containing his meagre possessions slung over his shoulder swinging in line with each step. He was almost there, he could almost smell it. He knew he couldn't stay or announce his presence, he would watch and then leave. He already felt welcome, as though the air seemed to notice his arrival and did its best to make him feel wanted. He knew it was all in his mind, he was setting himself up for another fall. He'd often questioned himself for the journey he was taking, surely it would only make the deal he'd been given even harder to accept? How would he be able to walk away knowing she was here, so close, almost in his grasp?
It didn't matter, he would find a way. He'd see her, smile, maybe cry a little and then leave. 'Be grateful you got the chance to see her, store the picture into memory then move on.' Move on to what, he didn't know. It didn't matter either, as long as something was found. He'd been given a life to live on a day where many others had it painfully snatched away from them; he couldn't waste it. It was hard enough to live with himself at all, without more unneeded guilt added to it.
He reached the road, the house was in plain view. Little picket fence and everything, he noticed with a smile, Tony wasn't kidding when he said they had it set up nicely together. He crawled through the lawn on his stomach, mindful of the flower bed, he didn't want Chase to think there had been an intruder.
He sat on his back amidst the bushes that rounded off the edge of the lawn, in plain sight of the living room window. The light was on but it was empty, he had a clear view of the entire room through the scuffed one eyed binoculars he had picked up on his travels. He put them down as he waited a moment, wanting to be sure his position was concealed. He picked the instrument up again and stopped, was it wrong to be doing this, spying on his daughter like some stalker? No, he thought, it would be the last vision of her he would have before he left to try and start again. Not that he could ever forget the memories he held from this life…
His breath caught in his throat as his daughter entered the cosy room with a little brown haired girl in her arms. Angela, he knew, but it still hurt to see Kim in such a motherly role, she looked so grown up and serious. He had to look away for a moment to compose himself, she was here, he could see her again, without tipping her life upside down. He looked again as he saw Chase enter the room, they were laughing and smiling, the picture of happiness.
Tears rushed to his eyes as he watched them, he knew he had to leave, the tug at his heart told him he could do something stupid if he didn't leave now. He couldn't to this to himself. He slowly made his way from the lawn after stealing a last glance at his smiling daughter; one he would never forget. He pulled himself into a standing position and began to walk back down the road as he patted his clothes down and sniffed back his tears, he didn't deserve to cry.
He took refuge in an old bus shelter to calm himself down. He closed his eyes and pictured the image of the three of them together, happy; they had moved on from the nightmare. He had to do the same. He felt better immediately and knew he needed to keep moving. Where to, he didn't know. His heart started to sink again when he realised he had nowhere to go, and the only place he wanted to be was right around the corner. Shaking his head violently he started to move again.
He'd head back down south, see if he could find anything worth staying for there.
Walking back on himself he wasn't as aware as he should have been, he was being careless and a part of him questioned why he should care. He knew why deep down but couldn't accept it. He had hoped this visit would help him close what had been Bauer's life and help him return to the life of Walker.
But he was Walker now, there was nothing of Bauer which belonged to him. Other than the guilt and the painful memories, he would never be Jack again. He tried to make himself accept it as he walked on through the night, he had to get the dream of Bauer from his mind. He cursed himself for coming back, it was dangerous and stupid . How could he just walk away from what he had seen, knowing he would never be welcome to join it again?
Oh God, he thought, was the cycle never going to end? Would he ever be able to accept this new life he'd been forced to undertake? No. But then he shouldn't accept it either, he thought angrily. He was so angry, at what he didn't know. Himself, for running instead of facing the consequences. If he were dead Kim would feel the same as she did now but he would be free of this recurring nightmare.
He was certainly angry at China for not dropping the matter, he hadn't even fired the God damn bullet which struck the Consul. Didn't they realise he had saved there lives? Jesus, he thought as the urge to tear his hair out overcame him, what the hell were they thinking coming after him? He closed his eyes as his feet continued to hit the concrete, he deserved it, that's why. They didn't ask to be saved from the war head, despite how willing to co-operate they would have been if they had known of the serious weight behind his actions, instead of dismissing the idea at all.
He continued on through the day break, no longer angry at the Chinese or the government for not facing them strongly enough, even though they willingly let him take the fall for them. The anger had slowly filtered away and been replaced with pity as he realised he was mad at himself. Mad at Bauer for ever allowing this to happen. He should have minded his own damn business at CTU and he'd never be here. So much for being a hero and trying to save lives.
It was punishment, he realised, for his sins. That was the only explanation. Instead of killing him he'd been forced to accept something worse then death. A new life, where he could not possible resurrect the old one. All he had were the memories, and the pleasant image of Kim in her home. It wasn't enough to keep him going but he deserved nothing at all. Certainly no the knowledge that his daughter was healthy and happy with a man who loved her - a good man, one he'd trust with her life.
He'd just have to keep moving onwards, running from the life he could never have. He may never be happy, but he questioned, did he deserve happiness? No, not at all. He didn't deserve anything, except maybe the painful cycle he was trapped inside; the cycle which would serve as a life for him from now on. He was resigned to the fact that this was all there was going to be. Endless motel rooms, scattered jobs and the inability to meet people who would know who he really was.
Who was he, he wondered. He wasn't Bauer but he certainly didn't feel like Walker either. Nobody, he thought with a smile, I'm nobody. He thought it was quite fitting, certainly a deserved title.
END
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