Sibbie's back! w00tw00t! I haven't been back here in so long posting stories, so I'm hoping to try to get back into the loop with this story.
The Elfling Prince Song (named for the parody in the prologue) doesn't really kick off until the first chapter, however the prologue is also important because a lot of things are set up. So just consider that as you read ;.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python, but Mistress Glockenshpiel is a creation of my own twisted and devious mind, and the beat-up boombox in the corner comes courtesy of my last ongoing LOTR fanfic (2003-2004, may it rest in peace). Readers are supposed to use their common sense when I make allusions (allusion- (n) reference to a famous person, place, or event) to know that I don't own any subjects of these allusions either. In other words... DON'T SUE ME, PLEASE! I ONLY LIVE AT A BOARDING SCHOOL BECAUSE I GOT A SCHOLARSHIP, OTHER THAN THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!
Thank you...
The Elfling Prince Song
Prologue
"Father, I really don't want my portrait taken…" Legolas's eyes went wide as Mistress Glockenshpiel strode into the room, with her broad stance (for lack of nicer word), haughty posture, and tiny, fluffy, pink hat.
"Ach, my son!" Thranduil robustiously pounded Legolas on the back. "Why shouldn't you want a portrait? Just think of it… the Prince of Mirkwood… Thranduil's son… a famous war hero? Friend of Elendil? Peacemaker with the dwarves?"
"But Father, all this fame… don't you think there's been too much publicity already? I really didn't do anything…"
Thranduil ignored his son's pleading and climbed up onto a nearby table, readying himself to strike a pose at any given moment. "Why, I'm just so proud of you, my dear boy! They even wrote a famous ballad about you!"
Legolas cringed in fear, "Not the ballad! Please, not the ballad!"
"Why don't we all sing the ballad?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But Legolas's cry was drowned out by the mass assembly of male elves who gathered in formation around Thranduil and began dancing. A beat-up boombox laying around to the side began playing "The Lumberjack Song"… only there was a bit of a swing twist to it…
The music paused. Thranduil took the solo opportunity. This was his favorite song to sing solo, and since he was king he had first dibs on singing parts anyway. "Ohhhhhhh… I'm an elfling prince and I'm okay. I sing all night and I fight all day."
"He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he fights all day," piped up the chorus of elves around Thranduil.
Thranduil was lifted up by the elves behind him as he sang, "I talk with trees, I drink a bunch, I go to the lavatrine. Sometimes I go orc hunting and still have time for my tea."
"He talks with trees, he drinks a bunch, he goes to the lavatrine. Sometimes he goes orc hunting and still has time for his tea," the chorus of male elves chimed.
The group spun as a whole in formations of circles, stars, and smilie faces with Thranduil standing in the middle as the hub of all the action. "Hahaha, yes!" called Thranduil.
"He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he works all day," sang the elves in reply.
Thranduil lifted his arms as the elves set him down on the ground. A sudden spin later and he was in a suit a black jacket and tails, a fedora hat, and tap shoes. Thranduil grinned a winning grin and sang, "I talk with trees, I skip and jump, I stop to sniff the flowers. I take off all my clothing!"
"Woo!" squealed the elves mid-step of their backup dance.
"And find Gandalf in the baaaars!" Thranduil finished his verse Frank Sinatra style.
"He talks with trees, he skips and jumps, he stops to sniff the flowers," sang the elves while doing hop-skipping dance steps. "He takes off all his clothing and finds Gandalf in the bars. He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he fights all day."
"Now, I'd like a volunteer from the audience!" Thranduil grabbed a random mike and drawled in an Elvis voice. After a chorus of screams from the lady elves in the room, he picked a blonde and asked, "Hey, baby, what's your name?"
"Like, OH, MY, GAWD! I'm, like, Betty!" the elf giggled madly.
"Aw, Betty baby, this one's just for you," Thranduil pecked her on the check. As Betty fainted due to RFGS (Rabid FanGirl Syndrome), Thranduil sang, "I talk with trees, I click my heels, I try on Sauron's bra. I bring home Theoden's girly just for my dear papa."
The elves began forming a line, singing, "He talks with trees, he clicks his heels, he tries on Sauron's bra. He brings home Theoden's girly just for his dear papa."
"That's me, you know," Thranduil drawled as an aside to the audience of female elves. "Now, come on, you know the words now, final chorus, let's have EVERYBODY SING!"
Thranduil danced with his fedora hat as the line of elves behind him started a kickline. Everyone in the room began singing, "He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he works all day. Now he's an elfling prince and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay….."
There was a pause in the music. "THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!" Legolas screamed.
"He sings all night and he fights aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!" Thranduil and company sang in finale. Confetti fell as all of them took their bows. In the corner, Mistress Glockenshpiel began applauding very enthusiastically with her golf clap.
Legolas stood silent for a moment. It had been months since he had returned home from Minas Tirith, and still people were lauding his name for ridiculous things, like saving hairs of Aragorn's so that he could use them for DNA cloning, for example. And now… this… ditty of sorts… was only making things worse. Now girls were asking him about how well Sauron's bra fit when he tried it on and wondering why he picked Gandalf over someone like, say, Gimli. Guys would be even worse. "Of course Eowyn isn't in Mirkwood Palace chained to Thranduil's bed. And no, we aren't letting you in just so you can check." Legolas was so sick of correcting people. So, it was for these reasons and more that he decided he couldn't take it anymore.
"I can't take it anymore!" Legolas yelled out loud. He fled his father's Great Hall and ran to his room.
--
In a pile with his other belongings he found his cloak, bow, and arrows. While putting these on and scanning the room for other things he would need, he spotted…
"OLLY!" Legolas squeed. He snuggled up to the olliphaunt plushie, making muffled noises against the soft material.
"Oh, yeah, baby! Keep it coming, keep it coming!"
"Wha-???" Legolas jumped, dropping Olly on the woodwork floor.
"You know, you look so lovely with your eyes all wide like that," Mistress Glockenshpiel purred.
Legolas was scared. How did she get from the Great Hall to here so fast? How did she get into his room without him noticing? Had she really been following him this whole time? Legolas tried to act like he had any composure left, "Scuse me, ma'am, you startled me."
"Really?" Mistress Glockenshpiel laughed a laugh that would put anyone in mind of Rita Skeeter. Legolas's spine tingled. "Why, sir," she continued, inching up to Legolas, "excuse ME for being taken aback by the way you shake so. My, my, war hero indeed, I would think you'd be used to this kind of thing."
A sulky 5-year-old stomped his foot in the back of Legolas's mind. "I am TOO a war hero!" Legolas pouted. "And I NEVER quake in the face of danger! Uh…." Mistress Glockenshpiel inched a little closer. Legolas stuffed down a 2-year-old scream.
"Hmmmm… yes, I can see that…" Mistress Glockenshpiel murmured. "Perhaps we just need to… get to know each other a little better…"
Legolas backed up slowly. His mind was blank at this point. "I… uh… I… I'm sorry, but I…" He groped behind him desperately, hoping that there was something to grab back there that would help him.
Mistress Glockenshpiel pressed herself up against Legolas's body, rearranging her face to a Renee Zellweger pout. "Aww… baby, don't tell me that Gandalf has you all booked."
"Ummm… yeah! Yeah! He does! But if you sign up early I can guarantee you a time on my next round!" Legolas swung around his hands. In one he was holding a piece of paper. In the other hand he was holding a rubber chicken. Mistress Glockenshpiel frowned until Legolas added, "Free gift for the first person who signs up!"
"How come this says 'Royal Invitation to the Edoras Jamboree'?" Mistress Glockenshpiel asked.
"Meeting place," Legolas coughed. Note to self, he thought, don't go to the Edoras Jamboree this year.
"Okay!" Mistress Glockenshpiel grinned. As she was distracted signing her name in floppy letters, Legolas grabbed Olly and ran for his life.
--
Mirkwood Forest was always dark no matter the time of day. Legolas grew up never seeing the light past the leafy canopy in the trees. He never knew what light was like until his father commissioned him to travel to Rivendell at Elrond's request. Now, running through the dark woods, he longed for a bit of light to shine on him like it did the day Sauron fell, just so it would feel like there was at least one bright spot on his mind.
Thinking about this made Legolas stumble and fall into a hollow in the ground. The last thought Legolas remembered after that was, "Oh, shit, knew I should've brought a flashlight."
To quote from The Producers...
"If you like this please tell everyone but
If you think this stinks, keep your big mouth shut!"
In other words, you can give me constructive criticism (I'd like to hear how to improve), but nothing along the lines of "Go away and die" or "This sucks ss!" Good reviews make me happy .