Goodnight

The night had descended quietly, much like it always does. Creeping down into the light blue sky, covering the world in darkness, much like how black ink spreads in water. I liked these times best. These times when the sleep was so heavy on my eyelids that I couldn't even comprehend the word night much less produce any coherent thoughts. Yes, these were the times I liked the best. When sleep had finally numbed me through, because when the sky was a vast black canvas, that is when I would hear him.

"Karkat?" ah yes, right on cue John. "Wanna sleep now?" he yawned lazily, flashing me a toothy grin as he fell back on our bed. I glared, hunched over my computer. The bags under my eyes were so puffy I could feel their weight pressing down on my cheeks, and yet I did not want to sleep.

"Fuck off Egderp." I spat softly, refusing to look the boy in the eyes. I never meant those things, never once. John made me realize this.

"Ah don't be like that Karkat." he said, pouting ever so slightly as he stretched his legs out and tangled them in the sheets.

"Don't be like what? A fucking insomniac? Cause that's definitely something I can help fuckass." my tone became harsher. It seemed, the less my words matched my true feelings the louder they became. I never could quite digest the hairball of paranoia and anxiety the universe had dropped in the pit of my stomach after being diagnosed with cancer. It made me sick with self-hatred until the word vomit had reached the likeness of a mighty waterfall. It was no one's fault but my own, and so the self-hatred turned to outward malice. Nothing could stop it. Or so I thought.

"I can help it." he smiled widely as he slid his glasses off, folding them and placing them gently beside his pillow. I'd observed long ago that John would do this when he was too embarrassed to look you in the eyes. With his sight blurred he could stare right at me but not see a thing. He was brave, even now, and never spoke a word of his insecurities. "Or at least, I think I can." he clarified softly, crawling over to where I sat at the edge of the bed with my laptop balanced on my raised knees.

He scooted right up against me and just, sat there. His messy black hair tickled my neck as he let his head fall on my shoulder. I tensed with the sudden contact, but quickly found my entire body going limp. Holy shit was I tired.

I slowly reached up, my fingertips brushing the edge of my laptop's screen. I glanced down at John, and he glanced up at me. With a small sigh I shut the device, the click of the plastic seemed to echo throughout our shared bedroom. I ruffled John's hair before motioning for him to move so I could set the laptop on the floor. He did so, after some coaxing. Without a word, it was obvious, he detested sleep as much as I did.

Once the laptop was safely on the ground, I rose back up. John was looking at me. John wasn't smiling. I wasn't smiling. I was looking at John. It was impossible to tell who moved first, but before I knew it we had fallen on our sides in lazy yet firm hug. I breathed in his nerdy musk as I held him tight, memorizing it, burning it into my mind like shitty overcooked pie in an old pan. That shit never comes off.

He didn't have to say it, I didn't ever want him to, I could see it plain as the make-up on Gamzee's fucked up face. John was just as tormented as I was. When he said 'I can help you' I knew what he really meant to say was 'You can help me.'

John's father had died not even a year ago. It had wrecked the boy, completely destroyed him, though he never showed it. Then I was diagnosed, and suddenly the rest of John's world was hanging by a thread, or so it seemed. I'd like to think John had better things to worry about than me, even if I longed for such affections. I had beaten the cancer to bloody fucking pulp, but there was always that chance. The slightest possibility that it would return, and this time, claim my life the way cancer often does with lives.

I could feel it now, as his body quaked slightly in my arms. We were both quite broken, but this I was good at. So long as words weren't involved. I heard a soft raspy breath as John's small hands took fistfuls of my turtleneck sweater, his face pressed to my chest.

It wasn't every night, but many nights I would find us in the same place. This was one of those many nights. I rubbed John's back, whispering a light 'shoosh' as he held onto me. I had to fight the tears welling in my eyes now too. Fuck you, it's hard to see the one you love in so much pain.

I reached blindly behind me, roughly throwing the blankets over us. John's breathing evened out as the warmth enveloped him, his hands loosening their death grip on my sweater. I adjusted myself, laying on my back instead of my side and sure as hell brought John with me, his head lying on my chest. I ran a hand gingerly through his hair.

"I love you Karkat." he mumbled before the winds of sleep carried him far away into the night sky. I smiled, something the light of day would never, could never, see.

"I love you too, John." I said, closing my eyes. The weight of John's head on my chest seemed to ground me that night like a rock would hold down a piece of paper in the wind. My thoughts settled and an odd calm fell over my entire being. We both together, as two broken beings, were able to fill the holes left by our tormenting pasts. Together, we were whole again. Together, we could find sweet sleep once more, one night at a time.

"Goodnight."

Author's Notes-

I have trouble sleeping most nights. Wrote this to cheer myself up a little. Hope you enjoyed.

~AppleLove