THE NOSE KNOWS
"You're going to try again, aren't you?"
Erwin sat at his desk in shock. Levi was the last person he had ever expected to see after the heart rending disaster of a couple of weeks ago. Moreover, the man had simply barged into the office without knocking, walked right up to his desk and asked his rather obscure question. Erwin looked into the smaller man's expressionless grey eyes. "What?"
"That scouting formation; you're going to try it again, right?"
Erwin leaned back in his chair. "I'm hoping too soon. I just need to get the go ahead from General Zackary. Why?"
"Because I think it would work, barring unnatural weather phenomena, that is. It needs to be attempted again."
"You really think that storm was unnatural?"
"I know it was!" Levi replied, still showing no expression on his face; in fact, he looked downright bored. "Every time something comes up that might help us make some real headway against the titans, something else comes along to destroy it and it's never given another chance."
"Not this time, Levi. We'll be going out again in just a few weeks; the end of next month."
Erwin was not the only one in the office when Levi barged in. Zoë Hange and Mike Zacharias were also present, and, thus far, completely ignored by Levi. Mike was known throughout the Corps as having an exceptionally good nose. Many said it rivaled that of a Blood Hound. He also had a habit of getting a good sniff of everyone he met. Needless to say, with Levi's ideas about personal space, this didn't go over too well.
As Mike was just getting close enough to get a decent whiff, Levi dropped down, spun, swung his left leg around and took Mike's feet out from under him. "Back off, Sniffy! I'm not a goddamned daisy!" He then turned to Erwin. "Let me know the exact time so I can ride out with you." Levi then spun on his heel, looked down at a still very surprised Mike, let out a "Tch!" and left the room.
Zoë was laughing her head off the moment Zacharias hit the floor, and Erwin was just sitting at his desk with a dumbfounded look on his face.
Six weeks later, the Corps was again waiting in Shiganshina for the gate to open. Levi was actually waiting with the main group near Zoë's squad. Levi turned his attention forward as the gate began to rise and the Scouting Regiment thundered out into the world beyond the walls – titan country.
Levi immediately took up a position out in front. This was going to be a success if he had to do all the work himself! He'd made a point of asking Zoë about Mike Zacharias and his sniffing habit, and was informed of the man's uncanny sense of smell. The man could smell titans from kilometers away. Time to put that to the test! As the column broke out into the full scouting formation, the test was on.
Levi fell back to Mike's position on the far left of the center column in the first row with Erwin. "Listen, Sniffy. I need your help," Levi told him. "I need you to tell me about any titans you can smell out around the fringes of the formation. I'll go eliminate them before we have to change direction."
Mike was intrigued but did not immediately agree. "What do I get out of helping you?" he asked slyly.
"The guaranteed success of this mission, you idiot!" Levi snapped.
"I was thinking more along the lines of you allowing me a proper sniff," Mike responded.
"What?! Go to hell!" Levi rode off, but was back a moment later. He really wanted this mission to succeed. They'd failed so miserably in the past. "Fine. I'll put up with one 'proper' sniff, but that is it! After that you keep that nose away from me!"
Mike had a smug look of victory on his face. "Excellent. There are two titans approaching from the southeast."
Levi immediately rode off, and, just as Mike had told him, there were two titans approaching the formation. They were dispatched quickly and Levi returned to Mike for the next location. "Okay, Sniffy. Where's the next batch?"
"Due west; about a mile, three. Be careful. Something doesn't smell right about one of them. May be an abnormal." Mike warned.
"Got it." Levi turned and spurred westward, and again, exactly as Mike predicted there were three titans, including an abnormal. He dispatched the three with no problem and returned again to Mike's position. Erwin watched in open fascination as Levi rode back and forth across the formation, always returning to Mike, and then riding off again.
Levi changed horses twice, so as not to wear out his on mount, Firestorm. He would remove the replacement's saddle (he never used a saddle) and then take off to continue slaying titans. The result of all of this running back and forth was that the column only had to change direction twice.
That night, it was time to pay the piper. Levi was resting in the back of the cave in which the scouts were taking shelter for the night. Zoë was right next to him as he set up their blankets atop a stack of crates (they looked cleaner than the damp cavern floor). Mike strode up to them. "I'm here to collect my debt."
Zoë's eyes widened as she saw Levi visibly stiffen. "Fine. Just hurry up and get it over with!"
Zoë tried (and failed) to suppress her giggles as Mike got well within Levi's personal space and proceeded to take a good long whiff. Here comes the sneer! She thought. The sneer never came. Instead, she was surprised to see a baffled expression on her long time friend's face. He leaned in for a second whiff.
"Hey! I said one 'proper' sniff! Not two!" Levi protested loudly as he jumped back.
"You smell . . . different." Mike was still wearing a confused expression.
"No shit!" Levi replied as he drew back and sat on a crate next to Zoë. "As I recall no two humans smell alike!"
"No, no! I don't mean like that!" Mike wasn't sure how to explain this. "Yes, everyone's scent is unique, but there are certain underlying smells that are common. Like all females have an underlying common scent due to their hormones and pheromones; same with men. Moreover, there are certain chemical signatures that are common to all humans." The man's face suddenly lit up as an idea hit him. "It's kinda like cake!"
Levi raised an eyebrow, and Zoë's mouth fell open. "Cake?" the both asked incredulously.
"Yes, cake! You see, chocolate cake and vanilla cake and spice cake all taste completely different because of their flavorings, but at the same time, they all taste the same in that they are all sweet!"
"Okaaaaay," Levi said slowly, his tone saying 'I think this guy's nuts!' "So what's that got to do with me smelling different?" As creepy as this conversation was, Levi couldn't suppress his curiosity.
"Your underlying scent is different. Some of it is similar, but not just like everyone else's. Some of it is not like anything I've run across before! Moreover, your scent is barely detectable at all!" Mike was still very confused.
"Wow, Levi! You're special! He usually just sneers after sniffing someone!" Zoë laughed.
"Tch! Give me a break! I know you two are just trying to mess with me and it's not working."
"But, I'm serious," Mike said.
Levi ignored him as he settled onto his bedroll atop the stack of crates for the night. Zoë climbed up and settled in next to him. "Good night, Sniffy." Levi growled.
Levi was more than just a little surprised when he woke up the next morning and had to extricate himself from not only Zoë (which was normal), but also from Mike. The man had taken a spot on the other side of Levi from Zoë. Levi struggled to get free of the two. "Get off! I'm not a goddamned body pillow!"
"But you're so comfortable!" Zoë moaned sleepily as she tightened her hold on him.
"You were right, Hange. He really is pretty comfortable!" Mike mumbled.
"What the fuck?! GET OFF!" Levi kicked and flailed until he practically fell to the floor. "What is wrong with you two?!"
"Everyone wants a nice warm place to sleep, don't they?" Zoë yawned. "So I invited Mike to share our spot!"
Levi growled as the two looked drowsily down at him. "I repeat, I am NOT a body pillow!"
"He's right," Mike agreed. "More like a nice hot water bottle!" He hopped down from the makeshift bed atop the crates and walked over to a scowling Levi. He placed a hand on each of the small man's shoulders and looked him in the eye. "My friend, I do believe this is the start of a magnificent friendship!" With that, Mike leaned forward and kissed Levi on the forehead.
Levi grunted in surprise and immediately swatted Mike away. "What the fuck?!" Levi rubbed the spot on his forehead where Mike had kissed him. "Let me guess. You're from Saddle Creek."
Mike laughed and scratched the back of his head. "Guilty as charged!" In the area in and around Saddle Creek, a lumber town in Maria, the people's culture used the more intimate kiss in lieu of a handshake or a pat on the back. "Why do you ask?"
"Because if you'd said 'no' I would've beaten the shit out of you for kissing me like that."
Mike stood, his eyes wide, Zoë laughing hysterically behind him, then roared laughing himself.
Levi growled again, glaring daggers at the two of them before turning and walking away to find some breakfast.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was a couple of months after the first successful deployment of the long range scouting formation, that a meeting was called for all the top brass of each military branch for the purpose of explaining the new ODM Gear and how to use it. Levi was irritated at being summoned. "It's not as if I need lessons on how to use my own gear! I'm the one who designed the modifications in the first place," he'd grumbled when Erwin told him about the meeting.
"That's precisely why you need to be there. You can clear up any questions we may have and you know firsthand how the equipment works," Erwin explained.
About half of the attendees were in the room when Levi and Zoë arrived together. Mike sniffed the air, then blurted out, "You two just had sex!"
Zoë missed her chair completely and sat hard on the floor with a yelp. "GODDAMMIT, SNIFFY! JUST BECAUSE THAT OVERSIZED HONK OF YOURS KNOWS DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ANNOUNCE IT TO THE WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD!" Levi shouted, unable to prevent the flush of red creeping up his ears. Poor Zoë just sat on the floor laughing herself to tears.
Mike just sat across the table, arms crossed and a smug look on his face, while the rest of the room sat in open mouthed shock. "And besides, what makes you think anyone else in this room really gives a damn what we've been doing?!" Levi continued. "At least I don't have to pay to get sex!"
Mike's smug look evaporated. "Ouch!"
"Levi!" Erwin scolded.
"What?! He started it!" Ugh! Great, now I'm sounding like a shitty little brat! "Fine, I'll drop it." Levi sat down, his usually bored expression returning to his face. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like Zoë chasing them around." He had meant it as an underhanded potshot at the other men in the room.
"Awwww! That's so sweet!" Zoë exclaimed as she finally made up into the chair.
"Tch!"
Once everyone had arrived, the meeting began. It didn't take long for Levi to become truly bored. It was kind of amusing to see the civilian manufacturer in front of the group trying to explain the modifications in the new equipment. He was a very round man, looking like an overdressed pink India rubber ball, and he was definitely not used to talking in front of a crowd. Levi found out just how bored he really was when he discovered how amusing it was that the piece of chalk the man was using kept rolling off the chalkboard sill and onto the floor. Why doesn't the halfwit just put the piece of chalk on the podium in front of him?
As the man turned and bent to pick up the chalk for what must have been the twentieth time, a small tear appeared in the man's already too tight pants. Levi's eyes widened slightly while the room remained in shocked silence as the nervous man put the chalk back on the sill and continued talking, clearly oblivious to his wardrobe malfunction. Oh, now this is getting good! Levi thought to himself. Each time the man bent over to pick up the obstinate piece of chalk, the tear got a little larger. You'd think the dipshit would have noticed the draft by now! Or at least heard the stifled giggles around the room! And why the fuck isn't he wearing any undergarments?! I know what everyone in this room will be having for nightmares tonight! Geez!
It finally became too much for Levi to bear. Why the fuck isn't anyone saying anything? I mean, sure it's funny to watch him literally make an ass of himself, but come on! Levi stood and with his voice calm, even and expressionless, he said, "I apologize for the interruption. However, I believe, that since you seem to have an aversion to the wearing of undergarments that for the time being, at least, you should refrain from bending over."
There was a collective gasp in the room, accompanied by a few failed attempts to suppress snickering. The man looked at Levi blankly for a moment, then reached back to feel the widening gap in his trousers. He let out a gasp of horror, grabbed some papers to cover his shame and dashed from the room. As soon as the door closed, the room erupted into laughter – all except for Levi, of course. He looked out the window behind him and watched as the mortified man clambered into his coach. "I don't think he's coming back."
Several others went to the window and watched the man's carriage race out of sight. Erwin sighed. "I guess that, as the designer, you'll have to finish the presentation, Levi."
"Like hell!"
"Levi, you're the only other person here that knows how this works."
"Fine." Levi stood in front of the group, his dry expression never changing. "Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. The only thing that is different about this new design is that it uses less gas and less space. It handles exactly the same way as the old gear. That's it. Meeting adjourned."
With that, Levi left the room, only pausing long enough at the door to say, "Did your nose see that one coming, Sniffy?"