The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters or anything else has gone off somewhere spending some money. This is just some more mad ramblings from my tiny little mind.
Another Day Of Amassing Debt
"For the last time, Ms. Archer," Cyril groaned. "Cases of alcohol are not a legitimate business expense!"
"They're not cases of alcohol Cyril," Mallory defended from her desk in her office. "They are expensive champagnes and spirits to entertain our elite clients."
"What clients?" Lana was in Mallory's office as well. "We haven't had any clients since the Double Indecency incident almost a month ago!"
"Well when we do we will have alcohol for them," Mallory said.
"Not if you keep drinking all of it!" Cyril snapped.
"We could sell one of these expensive bottles and I could get easily…" Lana figured. "At least a month's tuition for AJ. Or six months' worth of clothes."
"And Archer still has no idea that you used his bank account to pay for AJ's schooling?" Cyril asked Lana.
"Technically it's a joint account," Lana explained.
"Three guesses who else's name is on the list?" Mallory said icily. "Hint. It's someone in this room that's not either of you!"
"I pay my share," Lana defended. "When I can. I just have other things like food and clothes and diapers to pay first. It's just there's not that much money left over."
"Well you'd better get used to it Lana," Mallory told her. "Take it from me. Having children is basically a bottomless money pit. You keep throwing in your money day after day to take care of them. It never ends!"
"Mother…" Archer walked in.
"Case in point," Mallory sighed. "What do you need now and how much?"
"Please tell me it's not for that stupid car of yours," Lana groaned.
"No Lana," Archer barked. "It's not for my totally awesome car!"
"Which hasn't worked since the 80's," Cyril added.
"Neither has your tailor apparently," Archer snapped.
"I don't have a tailor," Cyril snapped.
"Well you can't get mine!" Archer said. "By the way Mother I need money for a tailor."
"Can't you just buy your clothes from a store like the rest of us?" Lana asked.
"Why? Mother doesn't!" Archer said.
"I would if I wasn't banned from the good malls!" Mallory snapped.
"Well who told you to pull a gun on that sales clerk?" Archer snapped.
"She was an annoying little snot who had it coming!" Mallory snapped.
"Let me guess," Lana sighed. "She was also Irish?"
"French actually," Mallory admitted. "Hence the rudeness."
"And we had to pay ten thousand dollars to keep you from going to jail!" Cyril snapped.
"Which by the way I need ten thousand dollars for my new tailor," Archer said.
"I am not paying for that!" Cyril snapped. "I paid for your mother's bail using the agency's money!"
"I'm not asking for your money Cyril!" Archer snapped. "I'm asking for hers!"
"I'll give you five thousand for clothes," Mallory said. "Not a penny more!"
"That means I won't be able to afford silk underwear!" Archer protested.
"You barely wear underwear half the time as it is!" Mallory snapped as she wrote a check. "If I can go without a new fur I'm sure you can survive with cotton underwear."
"This is California Mother!" Archer snapped. "The temperature barely dips below 70 degrees most of the time! You don't even need a fur!"
"All the more reason to have one," Mallory sniffed. "But if I have to make sacrifices so do you!"
"How noble," Lana rolled her eyes.
"It's not fair," Archer grumbled. "This will barely pay for a pair or tailored pants. Much less the entire suit."
"Maybe you could use a coupon?" Cyril asked sarcastically.
"Maybe you could shut up?" Archer snapped. "No wait, do they even have coupons for clothes?"
"Check the papers and see what sales are going on at what stores!" Cyril snapped. "Like the rest of us."
"Thanks a lot Mother!" Archer grumbled as he took the check. "You've reduced me to acting like Cyril! Thank you oh so much!"
"See what I mean?" Mallory sighed as Archer left. "It never ends!"
"Neither does the constant stream of bills that comes into this office," Cyril groaned. "Every day this agency amasses debt. We come into work. Amass debt. Go home and amass more debt. It never ends!"
Lana nodded. "Mostly because of Archer and his mother."
"Look who's talking!" Mallory snapped. "You've been arrested a few times since we got to this smog laden cesspool! Don't think that didn't cost us a pretty penny!"
"I was holding pastry!" Lana snapped. "That first time was a trumped up charge and you know it!"
"Not that the rest of the idiots are any help here," Mallory grumbled. "Cyril here can't even manage a fantasy league much less this gang of fantasy obsessed idiots."
"Hey!" Cyril snapped. "I was a pretty good president of San Marcos! Until the marines invaded."
"Cinder-Ray-Ella spends his time primping and preening for the ball," Mallory snapped. "Pam eats her weight in food every day. And then wrecks the plumbing when it comes out! And Carol is always screwing around literally and figuratively in one way or another!"
"And as for Krieger…" Mallory paused. "I don't know what he's doing in that lab. But I know it's something disturbing."
Meanwhile down in the lab…
"I'm never alone!" Krieger sang in a spotlight. "I never feel lonely! I'm always at home! With me!"
A Krieger Robot appeared beside him. "Got nothing to lose. I've got good times only!"
Another Krieger Robot appeared on Krieger's other side. "I won't get the blues with me!"
"Why should I be looking for company?" Krieger sang. "That will only make me cry!"
"Everyone seems to be looking for somebody!" The first Krieger bot sang.
"I've got myself!" Krieger sang.
"Myself has I!" The second Krieger robot sang.
Back in Mallory's office they could hear faint singing and music. "Again, God only knows what Krieger's doing down there," Mallory groaned. "And I'm positive even he turns a blind eye once in a while."
"Is he watching Fraggle Rock again?" Lana asked.
"Oh God," Cyril moaned. "Please let him not try and make actual Fraggles!"
"What the hell is a Fraggle?" Mallory asked. "No, wait. I think I'd rather be surprised."
"They're little furry singing and dancing Muppets," Lana explained. "Yeah Krieger would definitely try to make those."
"KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted.
"Yes?" Krieger's voice was heard.
"What the…?" Cyril looked around.
"He has the entire building on surveillance cameras remember?" Lana sighed.
"God only knows how much that cost," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
"Not that much," Krieger was heard.
"How are you hearing us?" Cyril asked.
"I installed microphones in the cameras," Krieger asked. "Which came free with the cameras so that was a bargain!"
"Krieger we really need to have a meeting about your boundary issues," Lana groaned.
Cyril let out an annoyed breath. "Krieger, are you making Fraggles?"
"No," Krieger said.
"You'd better not be!" Cyril snapped.
"I'm not!" Krieger said in an annoyed tone.
"You sure you're not making Fraggles?" Cyril shouted.
"I'm not making Fraggles! God!" Krieger snapped.
"Good because we have enough problems without copyright infringement!" Cyril snapped.
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Speaking of which…" Cyril groaned as the building shook.
"That wasn't me!" Krieger called out.
"KRIEGER!" Mallory shouted.
"IT WASN'T!" Krieger shouted. "I SWEAR!"
"Uh Mother…?" Archer walked in looking smeared and scorched. "We need a new microwave. I sort of forgot about the rule of putting metal bowls in it…"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF…" Cyril shouted.
"And I am definitely going to need more than five hundred dollars for my clothes," Archer added.
"TOLD YOU IT WASN'T ME!" Krieger shouted.
"What the hell were you making this time?" Mallory shouted.
"I wanted to try some of that gourmet popcorn and I thought I could just use a bowl to put it in," Archer said.
"You don't put metal bowls in the microwave to pop popcorn!" Lana shouted.
"I said I forgot Lana!" Archer snapped.
"Oh God I can still smell the smoke!" Cyril groaned. "Wait is there a fire? What about the…?"
Just then the sprinklers went off. "Fire alarm and sprinklers…" Cyril groaned.
"The alarm didn't go off," Archer said casually. "Guess we need a new one huh?"
"If only I could get a new son…" Mallory moaned. "Great. Now my Tom Collins is even more watered down than usual."
"On the other hand, that could really stretch the alcohol budget," Krieger was heard. "Too soon?"
"I wonder if it's too soon to burn this place down for real and collect the insurance?" Mallory sighed.
"We have to get insurance first, remember?" Cyril groaned.
"Oh right," Mallory sighed.