Right! Soooooo ... This is the first fanfic that I have EVER decided to share with other people other than my friends. So yeah ... scary! Hope you like it and hope it's not too sad but well ... in my defence I was listening to some pretty sad music while I was writing this ... so really I can't guaranty you a tear free experience ... sorry *shrug*
Also, as you all know: I do not own Merlin or any of the Characters that are in the t.v series Merlin (Although if I did ...*ponder*... oh the possibilities!) *grin*
So without further ramblings from myself ... I hope you enjoy ...*pause*... Oh and comments are always welcome! :p
Bitter Sweet Promises.
The sun shown brightly down, it's rays making the frost sparkle as if thousands of tiny diamonds had been strewn all over the ground. The lake glistened with the same beauty as Merlin looked on at the picture perfect view that lay stretched out before him. His breath came in great puffs of steam and his cheeks and nose were red from the cold. He sighed heavily as he started down the slight slope towards the waters edge, his feet creating slight crunching sound every time they connected with the pristine frost. How long had it been since he was last here? Five year? Ten? Maybe even Fifty, he couldn't remember. All he knew was that he had to come back, was drawn back to the place that he had been avoiding for so long. He knelt down on the stony shore, getting as close to the water without actually touching it and looked out onto the great frozen expanse and to the island that lay beyond.
When Arthur had died all those years ago, Merlin thought his world would end right then and there. Truly, his heart had felt like it had been ripped from his chest and torn into tiny pieces. He had been so full of sorrow he had not been able to do anything but sit on the waters edge for days. Percival and Leon had found him sitting there, his arms wrapped around his legs, his face buried in his knees. His face, stained with mud and streaked with tears had been all the evidence they had needed, their faces soon mirroring the same sorrow that had masked his own. They understood what had happened, and they did not speak, only sat down on either side of him and stared out at the waters with him.
They had tried to get him to go back to Camelot with them, but Merlin had refused. He had told them that he could not abandon Arthur, he could not leave him alone out on those dark waters. Gaius had come to the lake also, begging him to return. Even Gwen had tried to convince him, telling him that this was not what Arthur would have wanted. Her tears had ran down her delicate cheeks as she tried to show him that everyone was hurting and that he should not be alone. But again he refused, choosing to block her words of comfort, he did not deserve them. How could she possible understand what he had been feeling? It had not been her destiny to protect Arthur! It had not been her who had failed him!
In the end it had been Gwen who had made up his mind, not that she had known it. Would never have know it in the end either. He had left Camelot the very next day, she had been right, there was no way Arthur would have wanted Merlin to sit and waist away by his grave side. So he had left, but he had not been able to bring himself to return to the Castle. He couldn't face all those people, all those memories, all the feelings that he had left hidden for far too long. Feelings he would now never be able to voice. With every step he took it brought him farther and farther away from the lake and Arthur. However with every step the tug in his heart tried to make him return, and so, it was with a heavy heart and a tear stained face that he ventured over the borders of Camelot and out into the world.
He had not returned to Camelot for many years after that. He had not even returned when, somehow, they had been able to send word of Gaius's death. He had not returned when he had heard that Gwen had re-marrying or when people spoke of the new Prince, her son being born. He had not returned even when an illness had struck Camelot, killing many of the townspeople the King and the small child in the process. He had found out much later on that she had named the child Arthur and this had broke his heart all over again. Queen Guinevere passed away less than a year later and everyone had whispered that it was due to grief, but still Merlin had not returned to Camelot. No, he had not returned for many many years. Not until Camelot had fallen into rack and ruin and the land that once was called Camelot was swallowed up by other kingdoms and the story of King Arthur, The Once and Future King was nothing more than a fleeting memory.
When he had finally returned to the last resting place of his king it had been a hundred years at least, probably even more. He had stopped counting a long time ago. But even with all that time it had still hit him hard. The sorrow and pain he thought he had concurred years ago washed over him with the same ferocity as if everything had happened just the day before. All the things he had wanted to say to Arthur. All the things he had wanted to show him but had not had the time. They all came rushing back and he had found himself curled up by the waterside unable to stop the sobs that had enveloped him. He had been begging for forgiveness, but he still didn't know who he had been asking forgiveness from.
He stayed by the waters edge for many years after that. He had even building himself a little cottage so he could be near the lake at all times, spending most of his mornings standing on the shoreline and staring out at the dark waters. But eventually he had felt the urge to leave again. So he had left, got up one day with nothing but a small pack and kept walking. He never stayed away as long as he had that first time, but he never stayed as long either. So here he was again, kneeling on the same spot he had stood on many times before.
Merlin sighed as he returned to the present, his eyes stinging slightly. He shook his head,
"I'm so tied," his words ghosted into the air followed by a thin trail of steam, "I'm so tired Arthur." his voice hitched in his throat and he had to swallow a couple of times before he could speak again.
"I couldn't protect you. I tried ... damnit I tried so hard to keep you safe!" his eyes were red from unshed tears, "Why does it still hurt? Will it ever stop hurting?" a sob left his throat, even though he tried hard to stop it.
"Why did you leave me behind?" he asked the water, "I want to see you so badly. Why do I have to wait so long?" he paused slightly, his next words nearly a whisper, "I need you Arthur." A tear slid down his cheek.
"I'm not strong Arthur," he said to the water, "I never have been. I miss you so much. The only time I was ever brave was when you were by my side." another tear broke free and rolled off the end of his chin to land in the water before him. He sniffled a bit,
"I'm so tired," he sighed, "I can't remember their faces. None of them. Not Gawain, not lancelot, not even Gaius. I can't even remember what their voices sounded like! I'm forgetting Arthur, I'm even forgetting you. I woke up one day and I couldn't remember what colour of eyes you had! I don't want to forget any of you. Not Leon, not Percival or Guinevere. Hell, I don't even want to forget Morgana! But most of all, I can't bear the thought that one day I might forget you." he sobbed his tears falling freely now.
"Please," he begged, "I need you Arthur. I need you with me again, please. I'm so alone. I have nothing left to live for."
He waited for what seemed like a lifetime. He felt so defeated and there was nothing he could do to fix it. If only he hadn't failed Arthur all those years ago.
"Merlin, you idiot!"
Merlin spun around on his heels, loosing his balance and fell backwards into the water, his eyes blinking like an owls in the daylight. Was his mind playing tricks on him?
"Arthur?" he asked, his voice barely a tremor, fresh tears coming to his eyes. He held his breath, waiting for a reply, a sound, anything. No, Arthur was dead. He couldn't possible have heard him calling his name. He exhaled getting to his feet shakily and looked about, he didn't even feel the cold of the water.
He turned his eyes back to the lake and sighed deeply. At that moment a breeze grazed his cheek, and he heard it.
"Merlin, why are you crying?" The voice was faint and sounded far away, but it was there.
"Arthur?! Where are you? Please, tell me I'm not dreaming? Tell me this is real." he looked around frantically, trying to see anything that would prove him right. That was definitely Arthur's voice! There was no mistaking it, it had to be him. With the voice came hundreds of memories Merlin had almost forgotten. A Smile that seemed brighter than the sun, a laugh that made his heart race and a firm reassuring hand that rested on his back and made him feel like everything was going to be alright.
"Of course it's real you big girls blouse. I've always been here." There was a pause, "I'm sorry I had to leave you behind Merlin."
Fresh tears sprung up and rolled down Merlin's face,
"Arthur, please. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Merlin began, sinking back down to his hands and knees, trying to think of everything he never got to say before, "I never meant for it to end the way it did. I wanted to save you. I would have gladly died in your place. Please don't leave me alone."
A breeze brushed against his face again, almost like a caress.
"Shhhhhh, Merlin, please don't cry. I can't stand to see you crying when I can't do anything about it. You have nothing to be forgiven for, none of it was ever your fault. I'm sorry I left you alone for so long, can you ever forgive me?"
Merlin tried to stop his tears,
"There's nothing to forgive." he said sobbing again but forcing a smile to his tear reddened face, "I've missed you so much Arthur. Please don't go where I can't follow. Don't leave me behind again."
"I've missed you to Merlin, But I'm afraid I can't do what you ask," Arthur's voice sounded just as sorrowful as Merlins now, "But I'll be back soon, I promise. I know my request may sound selfish to you now, but promise me you'll live. Promise me you will smile again, like you used to before everything went wrong. And please, promise me you'll never forget me."
With that a warm breeze grazed against his cheek for the third and final time. Merlin sobbed as he felt the cold of the winter air return and the freezing temperature of the water was now bitting furiously at him and he shivered. Arthur was gone, he could feel it. He held his right hand over his cheek where the warm breeze had caressed it, trying desperately to hold onto some of it's warmth.
"I'll wait." he sobbed, "I'll wait for as long as it takes and I'll never forget you. I promise."
The End.