Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Star Wars, the hexrpg website, or the original poem. I do, however, lay claim to the insanity of this take of an old Christmas poem.
Author's Note: I took this as a challenge on the website. It takes the form of "Twas the Night before Christmas" poem. If you don't understand the references of Salazar Claus, or John or HermionePotter, just know that they are admins on the site, and Salazar loves Star Wars as much as HP. He is also, apparently, our Santa. Enjoy!
Twas the night before Hexmas, and all through house,
not a Kreacher was stirring, not even a mouse…
The house stockings were hung by Knockturn Alley with care,
In hopes that Salazar Claus soon would be there;
The children had to be wrestled into their beds,
So visions of Tori Action Figures could dance in their heads;
And HermionePotter in her 'kerchief, and John in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long-awaited winter's nap,
When out on the Quidditch Pitch there arose such a clatter,
John sprang from the Headmaster's office to see what was the matter.
Away to the Great Hall John flew on his broom,
To look up at the ceiling and view the night sky room.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of Quidditch weather to the tables below,
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny Death-Eater-deer,
With a spry menacing driver, so lively and without pause,
John knew in a moment it must be Salazar Claus.
More rapid than eagles his Death-Eater-deer came,
And Salazar whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Lucius! now, Avery! now, Nott and Jugson!
On, Greyback! on Goyle! on, Bellatrix and Gibbon!
To the top of the Astronomy Tower! to the top of the Entrance Hall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild Diagon Alley shoppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount brooms to the sky,
So up to the Astronomy Tower the Death-Eater-deer flew,
With the sleigh full of prank items, and Salazar Claus too.
And then, in a twinkling, John heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As John drew in his wand, and was running around,
Down the shifting staircases Salazar Claus came without sound.
He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with burn marks and soot;
A bundle of Rares he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a young orphan just beginning to unpack.
His eyes -- how yellow! his dimples how scary!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin, well there wasn't any you know;
The remains of a candy cane he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke from his charred suit encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and not but a skinny belly,I
t didn't shake when he laughed; John thought it silly.
He wasn't chubby and plump, is he really an elf?
And John laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself;
A glance of Salazar's eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave John to know he might need to dread;
Salazar spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And raising his hands up towards nose,
And giving a nod, up to the Astronomy Tower he went, using the force, I suppose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his Death-Eater-deer gave a yell,
And away they all flew like the ring of a bell.
But John heard Salazar exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Hexmas to all, and to all an evil night!