As I stand on the finals stage hugging everyone, I almost forget about the one person I need to hug the most. Beca. She's the reason we got this far and without her, I would have never been able to find the real me.
I quickly turn around and run down the steps of the stage. I see Beca in the distance. She is walking towards Jesse. I wonder why for a bit, but I continue to run towards her. This is it. This is the one moment I've been waiting for. I need to tell her how I feel. I need to tell her that I want her to be mine. I need to tell her that I love her.
My heart stops. My body freezes. I stand alone in the midst of the crowd. I see Beca. She is not with me. She is with Jesse. She is not hugging me. She is hugging Jess. She is… Kissing. Jesse. I feel my body drop. In a crowd of awe and happiness, I stick out like a sore thumb. I stand there and stare at Beca. Blood rushing through my head, not knowing when to slow down. My heart falls out of my chest and shatters like glass against the cold ground.
But then, a different feeling hits me. Pain. Aggression. Rage. Feelings I never thought would come near the words Beca Mitchell. Fire rising through my veins. My body starts to cringe as my hands tightly grip into fists, ready to swing at the next most vulnerable person. Someone more vulnerable than me.
I see Beca back away from Jesse. She smiles at him. What a deceiving smile. The same deceiving smile that whisked me away from day one has now plunged back into me, ripping me to shreds.
She looks at me. Her smile vanishes in a flash. Her eyes are wide open. Staring. She is staring at me like she has never stared before. It looks as if she doesn't even need to blink. I stand in the same place as before staring back at her with my hands in fists. My body, so heated, I feel like I could throw flames right through her. And in this moment, I wish I could.
She whispers something to Jesse, pushes him away, and quickly starts walking to me. I freeze with a mix of fear and anger. I slowly turn and walk away. I head straight for the first exit door. I want to leave, not just this place, but Beca. I want Beca to leave me. I want her to leave my mind forever.
She is still following me. I can hear her footsteps becoming more prominent by the second.
"Chloe, stop!" I hear her yell from a distance, getting closer and closer.
Slam. I make it out of the first exit door and run down the hall. My heart, beating faster than my steps. My body is enraged with betrayal. Slam. I hear the door close again, knowing that Beca is close. I feel like I'm in a dream. I can't tell that my body is running, moving. I just keep going without thinking. There is no time to think, only to escape. Only to leave.
The last exit door is so near, but so far. I can almost feel her from behind me. Her words becoming clearer and clearer. And all I can think to myself is how stupid I must seem. Putting myself out there for an ambiguous bitch like Beca. I thought I could help her. I thought I could change her.
The exit is a step away. I am ripped backwards and thrown. The hallway echoes with a loud boom as my back hits the sidewall. How could such a little girl have so much power and force. Her hands plunge into my shoulders and push me hard up against the wall. Beca is staring at me now. But this time with a mix of sorrow in her eyes. I've never seen her look like this before. Her eyes know she is wrong, but her head might think differently.
"Chloe, it wasn't what it-", Beca says trying to regain herself.
I cut her off midway.
"Oh don't you even try to start with your 'it wasn't what it looks like bullshit', Mitchell. It was exactly what it looked like. Now just get off of me and let me leave".
I struggle trying to get her to release her grasp. She pushes against me just as hard as I am trying to escape.
"No. I won't let you leave. Chloe, I don't want you to leave. I can't let you leave!" she bursts out, tears in her eyes, slamming me against the wall even harder than before. Her head drops. Tears fall onto the ground, looking like they would never end.
"That's not your choice, Beca. Why do I have to abide by everything you say? I'm not the one that fucked this up", I reply to her using a harsh tone.
She cries even harder now. I want to leave, but her tears make me want to stay. Conflicted. I'm always conflicted when it comes to Beca. I decide to give in to her pushing me against the wall. I don't fight back.
Beca can sense that I have stopped pushing against her, trying to escape. She releases her tension a little. She's still holding my shoulders. Tightly. As if she never wants to let go. As if she can't let go.
Another boom. She drops to the floor. Hands on her face, squatting down by my feet. She leans back and sits on the floor. She curls up into a ball, head in between her thighs, crying harder and harder. I look down at her. Tears start to stream down my face little by little. I can't just leave her. After everything I've had to do to get her here in the first place. I can't just leave her now.
She looks up at me. Water covers her face. Black eye liner and mascara stream down her, replacing the tears' paths.
"Ask me why I did it", Beca says to me through her deep intakes of breath and frantic crying.
"I know why you did it", I reply.
She starts to squint a bit, confused by my reply.
"Then why. Tell me why I did it because I have no fucking clue, Chloe!" she screams.
She's getting angry with her self. Her inner anger starts to build inside of me. I start picturing her and Jesse again and the flames within my veins arise once more.
"Because you can't fucking choose Beca! You say you want one thing, but then you go straight to the other. You're a bipolar mess to be around! Every other word you say is like the complete opposite of the one before", my voice gets louder and louder with each sentence as if I'm trying to jam the words straight back down her throat.
"You know what Beca, I always thought you could be one of those 'I keep everything to myself', 'I rebel against everyone', 'I want people to think I have no ability to feel', type of girls, but not for a second did I ever think it was true. Not until now. You are an incompetent, self-centered, user who thinks blocking the people who care for you the most out of your life will make it easier. But look at us now, Beca. Look at you now."
She stares at me. A stare that has been seen more throughout this confrontation than in her whole life. She slowly rises up off the floor. Staring at me through every inch of movement. She is eye level to me. Well, as eye level as she could get. She gets closer and closer to my face. I start to back up until my head hits the wall behind me. I can't move anywhere now. I can feel her breath against my face. Still staring deeply into my eyes. But with anger this time.
Beca chuckles deceptively.
"Well, Chloe. You're just a stuck up, talentless, slut who has been too busy trailing behind Aubrey's ass for four years than living an actual life. You're a worthless, insecure, bitch who can barely stick up for herself. And most importantly, the fact that you can't even admit to yourself that you've never. been. straight."
Every word she says pierces me like a dagger. My body moves uncontrollably. I grab her with such a strong force, I feel as if I could break her. I pull her towards me and smack her lips against mine. I kiss her with such strength, she freezes. I kiss her with all the betrayal and resentment she has given me throughout the year.
I rip her away. I push against her so hard, it throws her back a few feet. She stands looking at me with an open mouth and wide eyes. Her body hasn't moved an inch since I've shoved her off of me.
"Was that gay enough for you!" I scream at her. I scream so loud, I feel like the words were going to burst out of my ears.
We both stand on opposite sides of the hallway now. Eyes not moving away from one another's. Glaring. My body starts to tremble. So many emotions run through my mind.
Then I see Beca move. Everything feels like it's in slow motion now. She keeps moving. Moving towards me. My body becomes motionless as she gets closer and closer to me. I close my eyes, scared of what will happen. I feel one of her hands grip the back of my head and tug it inwards. Her other hand wraps around my waist and clutches the lower part of my back. I feel my body plunge into hers. Her lips collide into mine. My face is so close to hers. I can feel tears streaming down her face again. She continues to kiss me in between her intakes of breath and sobbing. My body is still frozen, but my lips continue to move against hers. I mimic her every motion because my thoughts cannot process through my mind and into my body. I feel a quiver start in my chest and roam into my arms and legs. My hands slowly travel to her waist. They crawl their way to her lower back. I pull her in, arms wrapped fully around her. The hand that once gripped my lower back moves up my spine and around my neck. I continue to kiss her back. I feel my soul travel out of my body. An immeasurable sensation of happiness engulfs me. I feel as if my whole life has expanded into these few seconds.
At the same time, we let go of one another. I open my eyes. Tears still rushing down the little brunettes face.
"I'm sorry, Chloe", she says trying to regain herself from her crying, "I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm sorry for shutting you out of my life. I'm sorry for fucking everything up. I'm sorry for never telling you how much you mean to me. I don't want loose you, whether you love me or not, I can never loose you."
I grab her hands and hold them tightly in mine.
"I never wanted to loose you. Beca, I won't let that happen. I'm sorry about never telling you how I really felt. I never wanted to leave you. Because I can't leave you. Because I love you too much. And I should've been telling you that from the beginning", I say assuring her that it's the truth.
Tears start to roll down my face too. I pull her towards me once more and hug her. Equally crying, our bodies grip each other, never wanting to let go. I feel her face go towards my neck. She rises up as far as she can to reach my ear.
"Promise me we'll be alright. Promise me you'll stay by me. And I'll promise you that I will only be yours. Forever" Beca whispers with one last breath before she buries the side of her face into my upper chest.
"You were always mine, Beca", I say to her while I rest my cheek on the top of her head.
Silence runs through the halls. Me and Beca stand still, holding each other while the silence flows around us.
"I love-", she attempts to say before I cut her off.
"I love you too, Mitchell."