They had been dancing around each other since the day they met months ago. Most of their shared friends thought that they were either screwing or in a secret relationship. Neither was true. In truth Lexa and Clarke did harbor feeling for each other, they were just too afraid that admitting these feelings for the other would result in broken hearts and broken friendships. And because they weren't willing to risk it they respectively decided to consciously ignore their feelings.
That is until Clarke and Lexa had their usual Thursday night dinner, the night they reserved for each other, cooking and Netflix without the chill. But it wasn't their usual Thursday. Lexa had come over to Clarke's stressed out over some case that she was currently working on and in no mood to talk. All she wanted to do was to lie down and never get up again. Except that she knew that if she canceled on Clarke the blonde would come over to her place to try to cheer her up with corny jokes and puns. That is why she decided to put on a mask and just pretend that everything was okay and that she was having the time of her life. What Lexa didn't account for was that Clarke was able to read her like nobody else, not even Anya was able to read her as easily. The blonde knew as soon as she shed her jacket and boots and walked into the kitchen.
"What's wrong, Lex?" the concern Clarke felt was discernible in her voice. She knew that Lexa had the ability to never let anything business related get to her, while still giving her everything for her clients. Something just had to be wrong for her to be this distressed.
"It's nothing." She smiled reassuringly at her friend. "What are you making for dinner?" Lexa walked over to the pot and pan on the stove, feeling the blonde's eyes staring holes in the back of her head. She hated it when Clarke did that because sooner or later she would spill the beans, whether she liked it or not.
"Whatever it is smells heavenly, Clarke"
"Lexa, cut the crap and tell me what's going on so we can eat without it, whatever it is, looming over our heads. Thursdays are supposed to be our relaxation day. Which I can't do if an angry raccoon is sitting in front of me. By the way I've been meaning to tell you but you have to lay off the eyeliner a bit."
"You're kidding, right? Because the chicks totally dig my style." She asked slightly concerned because she hasn't changed her make up in years and surely some of her friends would have told her if it was too much, right?
Clarke couldn't fight the smile spreading across her face anymore. The brunette was so cute when she showed her insecurity, it was a sight even she rarely saw. "I'm sure they do. You look stunning." Okay that was not what she wanted to say. She should have said something witty and funny but it seemed that wasn't her brains plan. They were both just standing in the kitchen, staring at each other not saying a word. It got awkward really fast, especially considering their red cheeks at Clarke's admission. Coughing to dispel the awkwardness a bit Lexa turned around stirring absentmindedly she chicken, at least she assumed it was chicken. She didn't know what was wrong with her today, normally she would tease Clarke for her slip but today she couldn't find it in her. Maybe sharing her troubles with Clarke would help them get back into their usual routine.
"It's this case at the firm, you know?" Lexa heard Clarke hum in acknowledgement behind her. "I mean you know I usually only handle the corporate cases but Indra thought it would be good for me to take this one because she thought I'd to for the client what nobody could do for me." Another hum from behind her but this time a little closer.
"Anyway, I met the client today and I guess it just brought memories back that I thought I had buried for good. She's resilient I can tell, I could see it in the way she walked and behaved in my presence. When she told me how she was beaten by her foster parents, how they didn't give her any food for days when she misbehaved…I could feel his hands on my body, the ropes chafing my wrists and I just felt so defenseless. It's stupid, I know because he can't actually hurt me anymore but it's…I'm…ugh…" she had started pacing without realizing, only stopping when Clarke gently touched her wrist. It was only a brief, barely there touch but it brought her back to the presence. She smiled gratefully at Clarke. There was a time in their friendship, hell even in Lexa's life, when she would have been ashamed to show her emotions so freely but ever since she's met Clarke her outlook on life had changed a lot. Even though, she didn't have a problem with showing her emotions anymore she still had a problem with being touched, after she thought about her past anyway. The blonde knew that, so instead of pulling her friend into a hug like she so desperately wanted to she looked her in the eyes, conveying her feelings into that one look, knowing that Lexa would understand.
"Do you maybe want a glass of water?" Lexa smiled at the question because it was such a Clarke thing to ask. Almost everybody she knew would either hug her, thinking it would help or offer some kind of alcohol to dull the pain her memories brought but no, Clarke offered her a glass of water because she knew that alcohol wouldn't help in the long run. It was her way of showing Lexa her support and her way of saying that the only way to deal with the pain was to face it head on and not just bury it.
"I would love some. Thank you"
Giving her the glass of water Clarke smiled at her, those brilliant blue eyes shining as bright as the stars in the night sky. "You're welcome, Lex. Come on let's eat."
After their delicious dinner Lexa did the dishes, as always when the blonde cooked. It was all domestic as fuck but they chose to ignore it, just like their obvious feelings for the other.
"I think Anya and Raven are sleeping together. They've been sneaking off together whenever we're all hanging out together. I don't think anybody else has noticed but you know how caught up Lincoln and Octavia and Bellamy and Gina are in each other, it's disgustingly sweet." Clarke said while playing with the rim of her wine glass. Thinking about how she and Lexa could be like that had things been different. It was something she thought about more often than she liked to admit.
"I don't even know what to say….I guess it's not that big of a surprise because we're always hanging out together and everybody else is in a relationship so it's kinda inevitable" Lexa scrubbed the plate in her hand harder to get the stain off it, hoping that Clarke wouldn't point out that not everybody in their group was taken. It was to no avail because the next thing Clarke said made her almost drop the plate.
"Not everybody is in a relationship. We aren't but maybe we could change that..."
"Wh-..What do you mean 'change that'?" Lexa stuttered, her heart almost leaping out of her chest.
"Well, we're both fairly attractive, if I dare say so myself and it probably wouldn't be very hard for either of us to find a date and get laid. I don't know about you but I could use the stress relief. I mean it's not like it has to be something serious but casual dating sounds pretty good if you ask me." Had Clarke been looking at Lexa and not the wine swirling in her glass had she realized how hurt the brunette had looked.
"It's been so long since I've dated anyone that I'm not sure how to do it and then there's work. I barely have enough time for all of you, how would I handle everything? Would I even find someone?"
"Of course you would, Clarke. Anybody would be lucky to call you their girlfriend. You're incredibly smart and beautiful and kind and humble and funny and have I mentioned beautiful?"
Clarke bit her lip, there was something she wanted to ask Lexa but she didn't know how to. Meanwhile Lexa continued to compliment her "…and you're such an amazing artist, I can't even draw a stick figure and you're always helping all of us without even thinking about yourself and …." Lexa continued but Clarke interrupted her. "Lexa"
As if woken from a trance Lexa shook her head and blinked a few times, staring confused at the blonde that was now standing beside her and not sitting at the kitchen island. She was standing so close that she could feel Clarke's body heat against her skin. It made the hairs on her arms stand up. She heard Clarke lean in to whisper sadly into her ear.
"If I'm such an amazing person how come that the one person I'm interested in, have been interested in for months, hasn't asked me out yet?" They both knew who Clarke was talking about but that didn't stop Lexa from panicking for a moment. When she felt the blonde's fingers ghosting over her arm she swallowed thickly. Clarke's fingers continued their journey to Lexa's shoulder blades, gently tracing the protruding bones.
"Lexa?" she couldn't answer the blonde, not when her voice was so husky and close to her ear, not when she tried so hard to maintain her composure. She already had to deal with the ever growing bulge in her pants. Clarke's other hand settled on her hip bone, pulling the brunette into the blonde. Lexa's back was now pressed against Clarke's full breasts. They could feel each other's ragged breaths. When the hand that was on her shoulder moved to her ribcage, outlining every single rib before it settled on her breast.
"Clarke..." she moaned and leaned her head back against the blonde's shoulders. "We really shouldn't"
"Tell me one valid reason and I swear I will stop" Clarke said while her left hand wandered down to Lexa's pants, stroking the bulge over the denim of her jeans. It coaxed a moan out of Lexa "Claarke…"
"I'm waiting Lexa."
Taking a deep breath to clear her brain she tried her best to speak in a calm and confident voice, they voice she used on her clients. "If we do that, we can never go back..."
"You're not really helping your argument, Lex" the stroking got firmer.
"…We can never be just friends, do you want that, Clarke?" her pants were becoming tighter and tighter, she would have to put a stop to this before there would be no turning back.
Clarke sighed loudly before she said what's been on her mind for a while now, "I'm not sure I can continue with how things are right now, I- we can't continue like this. It just hurts too much to see you every day, to cuddle with you, to fall asleep with you on the couch while watching Netflix." the blonde's hands started to retreat.
"Clarke…" she whispered sadly.
"No, don't. I know that you want to, I can feel it and not just now but I feel it every Thursday. Either admit it or continue to ignore everything that is between us but know that if you do I will walk away right now. But please don't do that to me because it would break my heart and I'm not sure if could put it back together." Clarke was glad that Lexa couldn't see the tears streaming down her face even though her voice probably gave her away.
Lexa didn't say anything for a while and Clarke took that as her answer, so she awkwardly took her hands off of the silent brunette and walked away. She tried her best to hold her sobs in but as soon as she crossed the threshold sobs wrecked her body, her legs not able to support her weight anymore gave out under her and she slumped to the door.
She no longer cared that she wasn't alone, that the person responsible for her breakdown was still in the same room, still unmoving. All she wanted to do was lie in her bed buried in blankets and sleep until it stopped hurting.
At first she didn't hear it but then it got louder and she heard the desperate call, "Clarke!"
Lexa had come out of her fear induced stupor, thinking that her friend had left for good, not thinking about the fact that it was Clarke's apartment. She turned around quickly to sprint after the blonde if necessary but found her crumpled on the ground instead. It broke her heart to see her like that, the usually so strong and confident blonde curled into a small ball on the ground.
She made her way to Clarke as slowly and quietly as she could. Wiping her own tears out of her eyes with the sleeves of her pullover, not caring one bit for the clothing article.
"Clarke, please look at me" she whispered hoarsely but all she got in response was another round of heartbreaking sobs. "Come on, please just look at me, babe" the pet name just slipped out. Never had the seriously called the other 'babe' or 'baby' or anything else, when they said it it was always a joke but right now it definitely wasn't a joke. Lexa was as serious as one could be.
Realizing that Clarke wouldn't or couldn't listen to her unnerved her a bit so she gripped the blonde's chin as gently as possible so that Clarke had to look up at her.
"I will never leave you again, I promise." Lexa said with as much conviction as she could, fully intending to keep her promise. "Come on let's get you to bed" without waiting for any kind of acknowledgement she pulled Clarke into her arms and carried her bridal style into her bedroom.
The blonde was so still in her arms, except for the occasional sobs. She hadn't resisted against Lexa when she picked her up, nor had she helped in any way. Once they arrived in the bedroom she positioned Clarke in the middle of her bed and started to undress her. The blonde hadn't responded to her when asked if it was okay for Lexa to undress her so Lexa just went ahead and did it as non-sexually as possible.
When she was finished and the blonde in a loose shirt under the blanket she lay down next to her but on top of the blanket and said "Clarke, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me? I don't know what I'd do without you. Please just say something" she pleaded with tears streaming down her eyes.
"Okay" it was barely audible but Lexa had been waiting for it and was incredibly relieved to her the affirmation. What exactly Clarke was affirming was irrelevant, all that mattered right then and there was the fact that she was speaking to the brunette which meant that she didn't hate her, completely.
"Okay" Lexa said and let out a small but happy laugh. She pulled Clarke against her so that she was nestled into her said with the brunette's arm protectively wrapped around her back.
Soon after Clarke's breath evened out, once she was sure that she was fast asleep Lexa kissed the top of her head and whispered "I love you".