HY : Hi all, I have another LCDO fic. It's sort of AU and it's in my old writing style and this is a tragic story – it was something I wrote last year ago and after contemplation I decided to post it up here.

Normal font : Present time; italics : Thoughts

Italics : The past; normal font : thoughts

TRISTESSE

She stared at the crowd eagerly anticipating her performance – she, the wunderkind whom they admired because of her fantastic musical techniques, the way she breathed life into each song her fingers touched the ivory black and white keys.

They are waiting for me…she thought, amused. If only all of you knew what and who made me the person I am today…You don't know what I sacrificed…

No matter how far I reach…I can never reach you.

I can never correct my wrongs…

I can never apologise…

"Miss Rin, we noticed the songs you compose are always in minor keys. Is there – ," an eager beaver young reporter named Jim asked her when she was promoting her latest album. She had cut him off at that point.

"I like songs in minor keys." Straight to the point, leaving no room for Jim to continue with his prepared statement.

It was because of you that I love songs in minor keys…because my heart will always bleed.

"Oh, I see…Another question, Miss Rin, your special concerts are always held on the same date every year – "

"I'm sorry, Mr Jim, but I have no comment to that."

"I'll be performing a very new song I just finished composing which hasn't been recorded in the studio yet…"

The crowd would have cheered if it was a football match, but no, they were seated in a concert hall – performance regulations had to be obeyed. However, their faces filled with anticipation went up another notch.

"…It's titled Arrivederci mi amour…" She had a smile on her face which the audience thought made her look radiant, but in actual truth, the radiance in her heart had died a long time ago. Goodbye my love…The title's very fitting, isn't it, Ryoutaro?

Goodbye to you.

"Rin, promise me…," Ryoutaro hesitantly spoke from his bedside while Rin's hands clasped his.

"Promise you what, Ryoutaro senpai?" Rin was fighting her tears from spilling out.

I will promise you anything…

She didn't speak those words out – Ryoutaro had no idea she harboured feelings for him and she didn't want to tell him either for fear of rejection. Her relationship with Ryoutaro would remain strictly platonic – he her piano mentor and she one of his numerous mentees.

Rin Yuuji was a talented pianist – she worked hard on improving her performance skills, participated in concours every year…in short, a rising star in Brehmann's Music Academy. Her peers were envious of her competition success and the way her fingers moved to capture minute details in notes.

In honest truth, Rin was tired. Tired from all the pressure her teachers set upon her since she was one of the few gifted pupils – probably bringing fame to the academy – and familial pressure.

"Rin, you'll bring back the grand prize trophy for this category."

Or…

"Rin, your father and I spent a lot of money to send you to Germany to study music. Don't disappoint us."

If she was a robot with no emotions, she would willingly obey whatever her music professors and parents asked, but she had her own emotions to bear alone. Each time she spotted another music student playing certain ways which sounded better to her; she would rush back to her room and sit in front of her piano for hours until that skill was incorporated into her own playing.

But the more she learned and practiced, the more she began hating her own fingers which felt more like a curse to her than a gift. She started to slack in her practice and skipped her lessons, ignoring the angry voices coming from her music professors who rang her up to no end as well as her parents who threatened to disown her.

She paid them no heed, barricading herself in her room, her haven, her sanctuary.

Scott Joplin's the Entertainer woke her up from her sleep at 10am. Fuming at the disturbance of violin music since she couldn't sleep properly the night before, she stormed towards her balcony, wrenched aside her curtains and wanted to scream to the person playing down there to 'shut the hell up!'

Oh.

It was Ryoutaro Tschiura – final year piano major, violin minor student – who was the idol in Brehmann's.

Rin's scream was lost in her throat. What on earth is Tschiura senpai, of all people, doing here? She knew of him, seen him perform on the piano before – his rendition of Chopin's Tristesse had left a lasting impression on her…It was only his playing techniques she couldn't master. Tschiura senpai's style was unpredictable, he always played anything so easily with a smiling face…and won numerous accolades, which – obviously – was why the professors loved him and so did other female music students since he was rather appealing.

"Good morning, Yuuji-san! Would you like to have breakfast with me?" he asked when he saw her face appear at the window.

There was no way she could be angry with him for waking her up. One, it would be disrespectful to act like that in front of her senior, and two, to have the Ryoutaro Tschiura outside her apartment…maybe she could learn something from the way he performed, since she also admired him, albeit not romantically.

It was a huge mistake to have breakfast with Tschiura senpai. It was the start of one sided feelings being developed. Her side.

"Promise me that you'll love music again and become a great pianist…" Every word Ryoutaro spoke was slightly paused, indicating that he was controlling his pain.

Life is too cruel to you, Ryoutaro senpai …You would have had a great future if you didn't develop this…Rin couldn't answer him.

Of all the things you could have made me promise, why this? Why music, when my heart had died for it a long time ago and you revived it? I can't! It's too painful!

Ryoutaro coughed, startling her and making her more fearful.

"Alright, I promise, Ryoutaro senpai."

"You have great talent, Rin. I love your playing…" The smile on Ryoutaro's wan face was forced, but full of sincerity.

I love your playing…Okay, it wasn't exactly I love you…but even though Ryoutaro had complimented her playing which should have made her happy, her heart hurt.

"I-I'll visit you again tomorrow, Ryoutaro senpai."

Outside the hospital room, her dam burst and tears flooded her cheeks.

"Are you unhappy with the academy, Rin?" Ryoutaro randomly asked on day while both of them were browsing for music scores since he had to perform in a concert. It was the third time he had called up on her.

"Why do you ask that?" Rin asked, a little too coldly, not wanting to be reminded of the fact that she was a 'fallen' star to her music tutors' eyes.

"I used to hear you playing in the fifth music room everyday, without fail, until these past few weeks…" Noticing the look she gave him, he hurriedly continued, "…So I decided to just come over and ask you if everything was alright…Your playing is enjoyable to the ears, Rin. You are truly gifted."

She looked directly at him, feeling lost, feeling disorientated…she had been bottling up her feelings for too long. "How…how…," a sob was stuck in her throat, "…How do you do it so effortlessly?"

And then she broke down, sobbing directly into his chest while he gently patted her head.

Ryoutaro told her – he faced the same pressures she had from the lecturers although not that much from his parents. But the challenge he had most of all was fulfilling the goals he set for himself only because he wanted to. Those goals were higher than what his lecturers wanted, which was why he didn't feel any pressure from them.

He channeled all his feelings into whatever he played – that was simply the key to Rin mastering that technique. She needed to have feelings in what she played.

So, with Ryoutaro's tutelage during his free time – as he gave both piano and violin lessons to some students – Rin began to love music again.

Because he was her inspiration.

She returned to the academy, apologized to her lecturers and parents for making them worried about her and was back in tip top shape. She was happy, being able to spend more time with Ryoutaro, her 'pressurizers' were happy with her musical performance which reached a higher level than before. She returned to performing in concerts and concours but this time with happier feelings.

Because of him.

Life was like a wheel. One minute you basked in euphoria, the next minute it was the depths of despair like there was no tomorrow. At some point, Rin felt like Ryoutaro's time with her seemed strained – it wasn't like they were in an intimate relationship, their status was still junior respecting senior but now they were closer friends…still Ryoutaro seemed to be busier with students and he seemed exhausted each time he was with her.

"Hey, Rin…" came Ryoutaro's voice on her cellphone, making her heartbeat rate increase.

"Hi, Ryoutaro senpai!" Rin's voice was bright.

"Are you free this afternoon? Can you meet me in the fifth music room?"

It was the first time Rin heard Ryoutaro playing a minor piece – Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. The entire piece had Rin's insides churning. Something wasn't right, and it was making her fearful. Ryoutaro looked normal, slightly tired, perhaps, but his mood remained cheerful like he always was. So why…?

"I've just been diagnosed with brain tumour."

Time seemed to stop for Rin. The nonchalant way Ryoutaro spoke of his health condition was like he was telling her he had another concert performance to prepare. When Rin started to cry, he chuckled slightly.

"Don't cry on my behalf, Rin! I've already channeled my emotions into the Moonlight Sonata…" He patted her head as she was crouching on the floor in tears.

Why? Why is it that you're always so calm and composed? Do you even know what it means to have terminal brain tumour? And do you know how I feel for you?

Rin took a deep breath, trying to control her feelings while her hand rested on the door handle. It was time to put on a fake smile in front of Ryoutaro, like nothing was wrong with him, like she was just ordinary friends with him – senior and junior…

Until she heard those words…

"She's playing well, isn't she? Performing to your expectations, or maybe even exceeding your expectations…"

Wait…what…what is this I'm hearing? Rin was rooted to the spot.

"I think I've helped you enough, Professor Doherty."

Professor Doherty? The Head of the Music Department? Reasoning clicked in Rin's head and before she knew it, she flung the ward door open.

Amazingly, Ryoutaro wasn't even shocked as he ended the telephone call. Maybe it was due to the morphine which drugged his senses to even feel shocked, or being the person he was, who always had a rational head.

"You heard everything, huh, Rin?" His tone of voice was light like usual.

"They sent you, didn't they? How could I have been so stupid? I should have figured it out a long time ago. Brehmann's wouldn't want to lose one of their pupils which brought them fame, so they sent their student idol over with some fake comforting words…" Rin fought against her raging feelings by keeping her voice down since it was a hospital.

Ryoutaro was quiet, not denying anything. The way he looked at her hadn't changed from the times they spent together.

"So what else is a lie? Your brain tumour, perhaps? Just to evoke sympathy and make me promise to play music always for the sake of Professor Doherty and his colleagues?" She was hissing now.

Still his face remained impassive and unreadable. He was waiting…waiting for the death blow from her.

"So be it…if you all want me to play music so much, I will! I'll make all of you so satisfied even if it kills me in the process!" She stormed out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

It took a lot of Ryoutaro's effort to get to the door and close it before sinking to the floor and wheezing for breath. His trembling fingers brushed two stray tears which somehow squeezed themselves out of their ducts.

This was goodbye.

The G minor arpeggio signaled the end of the song before roaring applause came from the enraptured audience. There were shouts of encore and bravo. Seems like the applause is louder for this song compared to the other songs I've composed. I'm not surprised…People loved you when you were alive, and they love you too, although you're gone…

She gracefully stood up, bowed and left the stage. Her tears were flowing as she headed to her dressing room. This concert marked the 5th anniversary of Ryoutaro's death.

It's really goodbye, Ryoutaro.

It was three months after her graduation from Brehmann when she received a letter in familiar handwriting.

She hadn't returned to the hospital after her heated words which she took very seriously and did well during her final exams to obtain a scholarship to study and perform in Vienna – every musician's coveted dream. She graduated earlier than her peers in Brehmann, taking only two years out of a four year course.

Isn't this your handwriting? Why are you even writing to me?

Curious and yet not wanting to read the contents of the letter, she took her time in opening it.

The sheets of paper slipped from her fingers.

The truth had killed her.

Dear Rin,

I'm truly sorry.

I know I had hurt you deeply when you unintentionally found out what Professor Doherty asked me to do.

The only reason why I agreed was because I wanted to see your smile again. Maybe you never knew that I'd always been watching your performances as mine were flawed compared to yours. The way you worked hard to achieve what you loved, and then because of pressure you began hating what you loved and you lost your smile.

I was really happy when you started loving music again and each time you played the piano you never failed to mesmerize me.

Everything else I told you about myself was the truth.

Please don't return to hating music again, Rin, with all your hard work and talent.

Thank you for always being there for me as well as being a beacon of hope for me.

Love,

Ryoutaro.

HY: To all Tschiura fans, please don't get mad with me. I'm fond of his character too! If he was real, he'd make a wonderful boyfriend. What I was trying to achieve with this story was to see if I could write something that can evoke emotions. I'm not too sure if I'm successful with this story, though, so please do give me your comments on this piece.

Arigato gozaimas!